# At Peace With Myself



## Lilysmom567 (Nov 8, 2011)

After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
Any thoughts or comments? Thank you for reading.


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## Xiang (Sep 3, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> Any thoughts or comments? Thank you for reading.


I never bothered with what people thought of me when I was young, but it has always bothered me how some people treat others. I still don't really care what others think of me, I have always been a fairly insular person, not really aware of others, until quite recently (last 5 to 10 yrs). I'm same age as you


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## Lo'L (Jan 21, 2011)

Wiser words have never been written!!!!

Could not Agree more!!!


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## meshreck (Jul 22, 2011)

A wise someone told me a long time ago..."You would never worry about what other people think of you, if you could only realize how seldom they do"


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## RookieRetiree (Jan 27, 2011)

As we get older, I think we become more aware of "our power" and how to use it and not use it. If we let someone else hurt us by their words or actions, then we give away our power to them. What we should do is just take stock of the situation - determine if it is a learning moment and if so, do so -- otherwise move on.


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## leoanne (Feb 7, 2011)

In your 20's you worry about what people think of you.
In your 30's you don't care what other people think of you.
In your 40'2 you realize people weren't thinking about you at all!!


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## leoanne (Feb 7, 2011)

Sorry typo 40's


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## nanacari (Aug 22, 2011)

And at 70, you just don't give a damm


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## JusNeedles (Nov 20, 2011)

I'm going to be 65 in a few months and have just in the last few months decided that I LIKE me as I am and if others don't I'm sorry, they just don't recognize quality ! LOL !

Being raised in the deep south to be a "lady"; being raised in a foster home where I had to please everyone and then being married to a very controlling man, I've spent a lot of years trying to make others like me for me ! To compound the whole issue I worked for many years for a large corporation that were "Christian" oriented and again you had to be the perfect shining example of what they thought their employees should be.....wonder I didn't lose my everloving mind....wait, maybe I did !

Got out of that marriage in 1993; got away from that corporation and finally got to figure out who I am ! I ain't bad !

I still work a lot on self esteem but I don't try to go out of my way to please anyone. I used to stress over whatever I was making as a gift would be loved and accepted by the recepient (sp?) doesn't matter anymore, I only give to the very few that I know will love and appreciate whatever I give them ! My middle child actually asked me to make her something for her birthday last month.....gee, I would have never thought that....I really thought that a gift for her had to have name brand ! So you never know !


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## Colorado knits (Jul 6, 2011)

nanacari said:


> And at 70, you just don't give a damm


Where's the Like button?


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## flockie (Nov 14, 2011)

I'll be 58 next June, and I agree with all of you. I never cared what other people thought of me, so long as I was aware that my actions or thoughts did not hurt others.


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## gagesmom (Oct 14, 2011)

jorens53 said:


> Lilysmom567 said:
> 
> 
> > After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> ...


i know i posted the other day a question regarding what type of dog it is in your avatar. i cant find that post to see what your answer was.


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## JanRxxx (Aug 12, 2011)

It used to bother me when I was younger, I too am in my 50's now and more at peace with myself. However, I think we all have an achilles heel and every now and then someone presses the right button


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## janayoga (Jul 13, 2011)

One of my favorite sayings is: "No one can hurt me without my own consent." Another: "What you think of me is none of my business."

I can feel hurt by someone's comment, but then I must step back and examine why I bought into their statement. Was there some truth in it? Then address that. Am I just needing to please all people at all times? Then disengage and change my mind to a more rational course. Were my hurt feelings an echo of some distant event that still haunts me? Then look at that incident and accept it, forgive it, or dismiss it.

Other people are not responsibile for my feelings. Only I am

I don't mean to sound harsh. But I feely strongly that growth (and therefore peace) only happens when we accept responsibility for our perceptions.


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## Lilysmom567 (Nov 8, 2011)

Thank you all for your comments and replies. I liked them all- and yes, where IS that like button Colorado Knits? When I was young my mother constantly worried about "what would Mrs Jones next door think?", or "what would so and so from church say"..that I developed this worry about "THEM". Now I don't care...I like me. Thanks again.


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## pug retirement (Jun 5, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> Any thoughts or comments? Thank you for reading.


I call the way you are with people being contented in my own skin. Please just take me as I am and if I offend you well I'm sorry by I only say what I think. Pug


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## Dreamweaver (Feb 1, 2011)

For myself, I'm not a fan of confrontation and would prefer to have people think well of me. However, if I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I did not intentionally hurt another, that I have met my own criteria and standards, then I'm OK. If I am truly hurt, I will avoid that person or circumstance, but I won't lash out and compound the situation by being combative. Life is too short and I have no need to prove myself to anyone. My favorite motto lately is ... It is what it is.... You either accept me or your don't. I'm happy with my own company.


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## GMADRAGON2 (Apr 20, 2011)

nanacari said:


> And at 70, you just don't give a damm


At 71, I have stopped caring what others think. There is not enough time in life to really care ... only to live to your fullest. Each day brings something new. At the 'older' age, we are sometimes challenged in many different ways ... and it means facing a world where opinions are not valid any longer ... only loving kindness and compassion.


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## mavisb (Apr 18, 2011)

There is a saying "while people are talking about you, they are leaving someone else alone". I don't care what people say about me I know who and what I am and I like me nearly all the time except when I jump in with two big feet.


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## kiwiannie (Jul 30, 2011)

i quite agree with you hence the saying you cant put an old head on young shoulders


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## Schoeneckwren (Apr 11, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> Thank you all for your comments and replies. I liked them all- and yes, where IS that like button Colorado Knits? When I was young my mother constantly worried about "what would Mrs Jones next door think?", or "what would so and so from church say"..that I developed this worry about "THEM". Now I don't care...I like me. Thanks again.


The ironic thing? Mrs. Jones was too busy worrying about what your mother thought about her to care about what your mother did. LOL.


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## patty1 (Nov 15, 2011)

I have always felt if people don't like me it is their loss


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## Beverle (Dec 9, 2011)

I am new to this forum and while I enjoyed this discourse I have to admit that I was even more impressed with the spelling and grammar. So many times I am disappointed with the lack of care some give to the "face" they present on the internet with misspellings and pitiful syntax. Thank you for caring enough about yourselves...and me.


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## SherryH (Apr 4, 2011)

I no longer worry much about what people think of me, although I still work very hard at not being a "people pleaser." However, age isn't necessarily the ticket...my dear mother in law, fusses continually about things like "I need to get outdoor lights and ornaments, the others are putting theirs out." She lives in a 55+ community and always worries what someone will think. By the way, I'm 54 and my mother in law is 78.


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## Wheatie (Sep 19, 2011)

I was also in my 40s before I decided that people would have to accept me as I was and that my interests were different from theirs. I was much happier after that. Now I am 85 and have decided that "If I don't want to I don't have to" on most anything. However that is mostly things like getting out to go somewhere on a cold morning, etc.If iy is really important I will do it.


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## CraftyHorse (Mar 30, 2011)

One of my favorite sayings is

Be who you are & say what you feel
Cause
those who matter don't mind & those who mind don't matter!

I am 48 and I never worried too much about what those outside of my family thought about me, my mom always said if they are talking about me, they are leaving someone weaker alone!


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## flitri (Jun 13, 2011)

I always say that if someone is talking about me that they are leaving someone else alone, not many know my business so they have little to talk about. I suppose that they could always make something up though.


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## nuclearfinz (Feb 23, 2011)

I have to thank all of you. I am 51 and had struggled somewhat with self esteem issues all my life. I figured it was justme. I didnt have many woman friends growing up so I didnt get the benefit of another woman's wisdom. When I turned 50 , it was like a switch turn off in my head and many things that used to bother me, dont anymore. I still dont do very well with arrogance but thts ok. I justwalk away. But Thanks for sharing all of you.


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## farmgirl (Jul 19, 2011)

I agree...I used to get all wrapped up in the "Oh my God she said what about me? And why does this person hate me?" Then like you said, it magically happened in my 40's, I stopped caring. Funny, it works with the dh too. He used to really be able to upset me sometimes but now I can just blow him off. At first it baffled him but now he actually likes my thick skin.


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## kyriakoulla (Jul 11, 2011)

I know exactly how you felt. Age gives us wisdom to know what is worth worrying about and what isnt. My husband always told our children to put themselves in others shoes and treat them as they would want to be treated. I thank God his wise teachings gave us 3 wonderful children and 11 beautiful grandchildren.
God bless.


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## silvercharms (Mar 29, 2011)

I just wish that other people liked me treating them the way I would treat myself- it don't always work!!


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## ceciliavillabona (Oct 2, 2011)

Onestitch said:


> I'm going to be 65 in a few months and have just in the last few months decided that I LIKE me as I am and if others don't I'm sorry, they just don't recognize quality ! LOL !
> 
> Being raised in the deep south to be a "lady"; being raised in a foster home where I had to please everyone and then being married to a very controlling man, I've spent a lot of years trying to make others like me for me ! To compound the whole issue I worked for many years for a large corporation that were "Christian" oriented and again you had to be the perfect shining example of what they thought their employees should be.....wonder I didn't lose my everloving mind....wait, maybe I did !
> 
> ...


Beautifully said, Onestich, I am happy for you and where you are now. May you have many more years to LIKE/LOVE yourself and get the best of it.


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## patocenizo (Jun 24, 2011)

Yes, I grew up with lots of criticism but now that I am in my 60's I have learned to set them aside for two reasons...either their jealous or they have nothing better to occupy their mind or time with.


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## knitty (Apr 4, 2011)

good for you you should be really proud overcoming all those obsticles.Been married to the same controlling man for 42 years,prob always will be and i too was brought up to try and please everybody! seems the only person I haven't pleased is myself ...maybe someday!The young women of today hav gone too far and only seem to please themselves


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## siouxann (Mar 5, 2011)

It is very hard to turn of the tapes running through your head. I was brought up as a people pleaser, to always be concerned with what others thought of me, to never make waves. I found this poem years ago which really turned on the light bulb over my head. Hope you like it.

http://www.msubillings.edu/BusinessFaculty/larsen/MGMT353/Man%20in%20the%20Glass.htm


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## kerrie35094 (Jul 2, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> Thank you all for your comments and replies. I liked them all- and yes, where IS that like button Colorado Knits? When I was young my mother constantly worried about "what would Mrs Jones next door think?", or "what would so and so from church say"..that I developed this worry about "THEM". Now I don't care...I like me. Thanks again.


"Don't try to keep up with the Joneses - bring them down to your level." What is that magic age where we see things as they really are? I still get upset with people but not for myself, for others. Another person today "translated" a statement for a gentle, shy person and then called her "grandma." She later came back and tried to add a little humor but I really thought the whole conversation was unnecessary.

I think liking ourselves has to come with age and maturity and learning (for me) how to forgive ourselves for past stupidity and learning to look outwardly, not dwelling on ourselves. There are still times when I get stung and think my ego is rearing its ugly head. For instance, I made eight tiny knitting bags with skeins of yarn and knitting needles or crochet hooks in them for Christmas ornaments for a group I belong to. How many even acknowledged getting them? Two. That takes the wind out of my sails but I have to ask myself why? Was I hurt because they didn't say anything or was my ego bruised because they didn't tell me how wonderful and talented I am? And you know, every one of them would be astounded that those thoughts even crossed my mind. And so I reach for the needles again and get on with life.


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## PauletteB (Mar 10, 2011)

When I was young I never cared about what other people said. In my middle years it began to bother me some. Now that I am almost 70, I don't have time to be concerned about what they say only that I don't say anything hurtful to another.


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## Dlclose (Jun 26, 2011)

My sister said just this same thing three days ago- maybe worded it a little differently. I think we arrive at this point at different times in our lives. For example, I'm 63 and not quite there yet but getting closer every day. Thank you for your thoughts.


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## Gwen Webster (Nov 1, 2011)

I agree entirely. I am 71 and as the time has passed I realized how little a lot of things matter. Better my naughty pup than an unkind word from a stranger. Better a sunny day than all the fancy lights in the world. Better one dear friend than all the social functions in the city. One husband more than all the world. And he's been gone since January of this year. Fifty lovely, laughter filled years vanished. One unkind word would not start to make a dent in the deep hole in my heart. So young ones - listen and take heart. Karma is an awful thing. Every hurt you do someone else comes back to bite some day. Sorry if I rambled - I'll do better once the coffee is done.


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## Gwen Webster (Nov 1, 2011)

beautiful


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## i knit (Jan 17, 2011)

life is to short be happy...a great motto to live by i do try!


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## knitty (Apr 4, 2011)

are you my twin that describes me to a T


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## Beverle (Dec 9, 2011)

I'm so sorry for your loss! My sweet husband is my best friend and I can't image a minute without him...even when he is annoying me.


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## Lilysmom567 (Nov 8, 2011)

kerrie35094 said:


> Lilysmom567 said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you all for your comments and replies. I liked them all- and yes, where IS that like button Colorado Knits? When I was young my mother constantly worried about "what would Mrs Jones next door think?", or "what would so and so from church say"..that I developed this worry about "THEM". Now I don't care...I like me. Thanks again.
> ...


I understand this totally...I sent an early Christmas present (A cookbook) to a friend out of state. I know she loves cookbooks. Mail delivery confirmation tracking told me the package got there...but no phone call, email, or text to thank me. I started to let it get to me...and as soon as I dismissed it and told myself I gave it because I wanted to...not for thanks....the "thank you" phone call came.

:mrgreen:


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## pleezed2pleez (Jun 14, 2011)

It has been said, people may not remember what you do, they may not remember what you say, but they will always remember how you make them feel.
We should be more concerned with hurting someone's feelings than with being hurt.


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## nascargranny48jj (Jul 30, 2011)

I couldn't have said it better myself. That's exactly how I feel/felt too.



Lilysmom567 said:


> After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> Any thoughts or comments? Thank you for reading.


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## Woolyarn (Oct 19, 2011)

Hi Lilysmom.....I also enjoyed all of the replies....you are BANG ON....the GOLDEN RULE is always the right path to take.....have a wonderful weekend !!


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## sarge409142 (Jun 23, 2011)

I am 70 years old I no longer have time to worry about others. I try to be kind to all, take me or leave me , I really don't care. I well go on, the young just worry to much about thing but words can't hurt any one.


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## Dorene Boutwell (Aug 29, 2011)

I am 58 also and I have finally realized life is too short to worry about what people think of me. I have always put others feelings before mine. When someone hurts your feeling stop and think a few seconds about something nice, then go on as if nothing has happen. This make life a little easier.


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## Carlaallaire (Mar 5, 2011)

At 61, I don't give a darn! I wasted so many years trying to look and act perfect and all it did was make me tired  It is very liberating to find this truth. I wish I could have had it 20 years ago, maybe I wouldn't be in this physical condition


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## weaver1510 (Oct 2, 2011)

You are all singing my song. I, too was raised on the "What will People think?" mentality. I struggled for years trying to please everyone-parents, husband, children, family, etc. I don't think I did so well, and it took a broken marriage to force me to believe in myself and who I am. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It just helps me realize that I'm OK-no better than OK. (in my 60's).


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## Lilysmom567 (Nov 8, 2011)

I am continuing to read and enjoy all of your comments. It probably is somewhat a generational thing...to worry about what "they" think about us. But the wonderful part is that we reach a place where we can accept ourselves...and really believe that we are OK the way we are. And how about the friendship of women? We can reach across miles, countries even...in friendship. I think we could teach world leaders a few things...agree?


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## inishowen (May 28, 2011)

The worst put down I had was when I was a young mother. We had to go for dinner with my husband's boss and his "career driven" wife. She asked what I did and I told her I was bringing up my two children. She looked aghast and said "what shall we talk about? washing dishes or ironing?" I was too unsure of myself then to think of something clever to say to her! Now in my fifties I no longer care what anyone thinks of my life choices. I am me.


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## jbweaver (May 5, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> Any thoughts or comments? Thank you for reading.


I can't help but think that people who are unkind to others are very unhappy people themselves. They must feel miserable every day so they try to make other people miserable too. I try not to let people's negative comments bother me. If their comment is directed toward me, I do a quick self-check to see if I may have actually done or said something to provoke the remark. If I don't feel that I have, I just carry on with my day, if I did say something unintentionally that may have hurt someone I will try to rectify it.


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## kayrein (Aug 24, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> Any thoughts or comments? Thank you for reading.


Lilysmom, everything you said is exactly the way is is with me! It's like I wrote it! I am in my 50's, and frankly have never felt more comfortable with myself. I also find myself being much more forgiving of others than I have ever been. I see other's insensitivities as their ignorance and not a reflection of me. The only thing that bothers me is, why does it take us so long to grow up?


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## jditlin (Mar 13, 2011)

I too used to think about what others thought of me. I wouldn't relive my childhood for anything. I was raised being told I was nothing, worthless,etc. and abused regularly. I wanted kids but was terrified I would 'pass on' the abuse to my children. I wasn't the wall flower, I was the wall. I have a wonderful husband who appreciates my worth and I have bloomed with his (34+ years) love. Raised 4 wonderful boys (2 step and 2 of our own). Been thru the loss of a child and grandchild. And I really don't care what others think of me. When we lost our son I realized I wanted to live my life that if I died tomorrow there was nothing I would leave undone (except for my pile of WIP). And that is how I live, take me as I am or leave me alone. I don't have to please or answer to anyone other than my creator.


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## DonnieK (Nov 23, 2011)

My husband used to say "To have a friend, you must be a friend". My friends love me, my sons remember me when I was young and struggling, and they love me, mistakes and all, and my sister loves me. But, most of all, my little spitz loves me and trusts me to do anything to her that must be done. People say animals and babies REALLY see you for who and what you are---I have never met an animal or baby who would not come to me. I try to be kind to everyone, if they allow it. If not, I just figure they are the losers. God Bless you all and may your Christmas be full of thoughts for the reason we celebrate Christmas to begin with.


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## kayrein (Aug 24, 2011)

jbweaver said:


> Lilysmom567 said:
> 
> 
> > After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> ...


jbweaver, what you said is also sooo true. I have finally learned to admit, accept and apologize when I have opened my mouth and stuck my foot in it. Really, the ability to say "I'm sorry" has given me freedom to be more "me" in all of my glorious imperfection!
ps I have a friend who is one of those endlessly miserable persons. I have had many soul-searching talks with her and she has concluded that she will never be truly happy. Breaks my heart.


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## kayrein (Aug 24, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> I am continuing to read and enjoy all of your comments. It probably is somewhat a generational thing...to worry about what "they" think about us. But the wonderful part is that we reach a place where we can accept ourselves...and really believe that we are OK the way we are. And how about the friendship of women? We can reach across miles, countries even...in friendship. I think we could teach world leaders a few things...agree?


I always thought that if women ran the world there would be no wars...just a lot of chicks with sticks!!! (and of course a few men with sticks as well.)


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## Edith M (Aug 10, 2011)

I, too, at age 40 realised that I had wasted at least 30 years trying to please others. First my parents for whom nothing I did was quite good enough. "You could have gotten an A if you tried a little harder." Then my husband," I've been ready for half an hour. What takes you so long?" He gets himself dressed in the clothes I laid out for him while I have to dress 3 children,sometimes twice for the baby. And THEN I get to me.Well, one morning after crying into my coffee, I finally had enough. At first no one noticed but after a week it was, "Are you feeling OK." Soon he noticed I was a lot less stressed and getting more done cheerfully. My explanation stunned him. "I never realised." he said. He's been gone 20 years and I still miss him. As far as friends and strangers are concerned, they owe me nothing and their opinions are just that. I have mine, they have theirs and we get on just fine or part ways. At almost 82 years of age I have finally learned to like me and hope only not to hurt anyone on my way through life. Edith


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## Junelouise (Apr 29, 2011)

patocenizo said:


> Yes, I grew up with lots of criticism but now that I am in my 60's I have learned to set them aside for two reasons...either their jealous or they have nothing better to occupy their mind or time with.


They are jealous! Unless you have called them a b** to their face..they have no reason to say or do anything to you except out of jealousy. My daughter has dealt with this her whole life. I wish she would develop a "thick skin" as someone said!


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## heatherh (Feb 2, 2011)

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 

Eleanor Roosevelt


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## weisense (Jun 1, 2011)

Lots of good thoughts here. I'm glad I happened upon this this morning.


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## weisense (Jun 1, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> Thank you all for your comments and replies. I liked them all- and yes, where IS that like button Colorado Knits? When I was young my mother constantly worried about "what would Mrs Jones next door think?", or "what would so and so from church say"..that I developed this worry about "THEM". Now I don't care...I like me. Thanks again.


I like you too!


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## inishowen (May 28, 2011)

My lovely husband used to tell people he could pack for a holiday in just 10 minutes. What he didn't tell them was that I had washed, dried, and ironed every item of clothing he might want to take, and folded it on the bed. Many times I forgot to sort myself out, as long as he was ok. Packing for myself and the kids was something that took days.


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## nancibt (Jun 21, 2011)

I agree with all of you, especially the person who said she spent her early years trying to conform and please parents, bosses or a controlling husband. I am also "recovering" from such situations and have come to realize that I am just fine. I am under no illusion that everyone will like me, but I know I have many friends and acquaintances who love and admire me -- because they tell me so. BUT how does one deal with a DIL who seems to have a preconceived notion that all MIL's are mean, hateful women and is constantly on the alert for any words or deeds that can be misinterpreted as hurtful? I was ready to welcome my DIL into my life, but it seems impossible. She will even phone me for the sole purpose of telling me that 18 months ago I said something or other that hurt her feelings (something that would be totally uncharacteristic and out of character for me to have said and that I have no recollection of saying). Her attacks have such a chilling effect that I feel I can't communicate to her unless it is in writing so I have a record! Normally such a person would simply be "excused" from my life. But this is the wife of my son and the mother of my grandson. I can remind myself that what she thinks of me has nothing to do with me, but It remains a painful situation even though I know I am a good person and would be a good MIL.


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## beejay (May 27, 2011)

And at 80 you REALLY don't give a hoot!!


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## grammatat (Jun 8, 2011)

I am now 73, don't care much what others think of me any more, but care deeply that others aren't hurt by careless things others say and do.


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## beejay (May 27, 2011)

And at 80 you really don't give a hoot!!


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## Kathi11 (Oct 27, 2011)

I feel the same as you. I was 49 when my husband died after a long, difficult battle with cancer. There was no conscious effort to come to the realization that most problems and irritations are really pretty insignificant in the whole realm of life. Now 16 years later, I am calmer and more comfortable with living and myself.


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## ulrika (Jul 2, 2011)

janayoga said:


> One of my favorite sayings is: "No one can hurt me without my own consent." Another: "What you think of me is none of my business."
> 
> I can feel hurt by someone's comment, but then I must step back and examine why I bought into their statement. Was there some truth in it? Then address that. Am I just needing to please all people at all times? Then disengage and change my mind to a more rational course. Were my hurt feelings an echo of some distant event that still haunts me? Then look at that incident and accept it, forgive it, or dismiss it.
> 
> ...


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## ulrika (Jul 2, 2011)

janayoga said:


> One of my favorite sayings is: "No one can hurt me without my own consent." Another: "What you think of me is none of my business."
> 
> I can feel hurt by someone's comment, but then I must step back and examine why I bought into their statement. Was there some truth in it? Then address that. Am I just needing to please all people at all times? Then disengage and change my mind to a more rational course. Were my hurt feelings an echo of some distant event that still haunts me? Then look at that incident and accept it, forgive it, or dismiss it.
> 
> ...


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## 7953Princess (Sep 20, 2011)

I posted this in a prominent place so all could read it upon entering and exiting my home. For the most part - it works.


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## Ronie (Jan 21, 2011)

well this is a popular subject. I don't think I have ever been thin skinned.. I can recal several times through out my life where someone else would say.. doesn't that bother you?? and had no clue what they were referring too. I have worked on getting upset over loosing battles.. I am much calmer now at 55 than I was at 52... I'm a bit of a control freak and I want things done my way.. but I have over the last few years gotten over most of that too.. I read a post a few years back now that said..."Would you marry you?" and that got me thinking that I had been a bit too grumpy lately and no I wouldn't. That statement helped me to do some soul searching and feeling better about me...


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## joanieo (Aug 19, 2011)

Hi - We have so much knowledge reflected in this subject. Tomorrow is my big day - I turn 58 (thanks Mom and Dad) and I have to admit that I too feel that I like myself enough that I can brush off what others think, I think that comes with age.

As long as I like myself and the people I love like me, life is good!

Enjoy yourself and love life - Life is too short to worry about people think when you could be crafting!

Joanie O


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## Joanie 5 (Apr 12, 2011)

Amen and thank you


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## Ronie (Jan 21, 2011)

Give this time. I have been married for almost 22 years. My mother in law did not open her heart or home to me. She actually tried to talk her son out of marrying me. That was painful and she's not a very easy person to get along with. But it changed.. I don't know what changed or how but it did.. a few years after my mom passed.. she looked at me and said " I"m the only mom you have left now".. and she was so honest and heartfelt that we have been doing very well ever since... I know that in the comming months or years the relationship will get better between the 2 of you.. just be patient.. and let most of what is being said not bother you. its just fuel that will ignite if you let it... theres a baby and son that is being affected by this too... let your heart be overjoyed with them.. she will come around eventually..


nancibt said:


> I agree with all of you, especially the person who said she spent her early years trying to conform and please parents, bosses or a controlling husband. I am also "recovering" from such situations and have come to realize that I am just fine. I am under no illusion that everyone will like me, but I know I have many friends and acquaintances who love and admire me -- because they tell me so. BUT how does one deal with a DIL who seems to have a preconceived notion that all MIL's are mean, hateful women and is constantly on the alert for any words or deeds that can be misinterpreted as hurtful? I was ready to welcome my DIL into my life, but it seems impossible. She will even phone me for the sole purpose of telling me that 18 months ago I said something or other that hurt her feelings (something that would be totally uncharacteristic and out of character for me to have said and that I have no recollection of saying). Her attacks have such a chilling effect that I feel I can't communicate to her unless it is in writing so I have a record! Normally such a person would simply be "excused" from my life. But this is the wife of my son and the mother of my grandson. I can remind myself that what she thinks of me has nothing to do with me, but It remains a painful situation even though I know I am a good person and would be a good MIL.


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## Junelouise (Apr 29, 2011)

patocenizo said:


> Yes, I grew up with lots of criticism but now that I am in my 60's I have learned to set them aside for two reasons...either their jealous or they have nothing better to occupy their mind or time with.


They are jealous! Unless you have called them a b** to their face..they have no reason to say or do anything to you except out of jealousy. My daughter has dealt with this her whole life. I wish she would develop a "thick skin" as someone said!


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## Designer1234 (Aug 9, 2011)

'and so I reach for the needles again and get on with life'

I think this has been the most difficult for me. I have made many things for many people over the years -- most were appreciated but once in awhile there would be no reaction and I was so hard on myself -- should I have given it to them? why didn't they like it? did I overstep? Maybe they don't like me? and on and on. 

When I turned 60 I decided not to worry about things I had no control over and not to 'borrow trouble' . Now I don't feel I have to justify my actions even to myself if I know that I didn't do anything to deliberately hurt someone -- We carry a lot of garbage from our childhoods and sometimes it takes many years for us to accept ourselves as we are. I like this thread. It shows that we are all fragile human beings and we must all learn to love ourselves and accept ourselves.


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## cheri49 (Apr 27, 2011)

I believe our lives, the up downs, the intended or non intended hurts, shape us, and hopfulley we say I prefer not to be shallow and hurtfull to others.
I agree with you all. but as one said we do have an Achiles heel and some are quite intend on pushing it's button.

I'll be 63 in Jan and have a 2 difficult years with my son of 37.... he always said i was such a good Mom and how much he loves me; however after he married... I suddendly became a horrible mother it's take me a few years to realize I didn't change, he did by listening to a wife that hadn't been raised in a lovely ,c aring, kind home. It hurts that he doesn't speak and he believes that way; but I must realize that it's him whose view is altered.
sorry this situation just tears my heart out at this time of year....


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## carolcook34 (Oct 15, 2011)

I"m almost 78 (in March..."if you don"t like me or appreciate me, just stay away from me. Find someone else to torment. DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS"


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## 5mmdpns (Jun 1, 2011)

Colorado knits said:


> nanacari said:
> 
> 
> > And at 70, you just don't give a damm
> ...


 :thumbup:

The "like" button is just to hit the quote reply button below the posting you like and put a thumbs up smiley underneath it, like I did!


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## smee2 (Nov 2, 2011)

What a very good topic. Love the THINK poster. Peace to all those who agonize


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## Designer1234 (Aug 9, 2011)

5mmdpns said:


> Colorado knits said:
> 
> 
> > nanacari said:
> ...


 :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## Beatlesfan (May 28, 2011)

Dreamweaver said:


> For myself, I'm not a fan of confrontation and would prefer to have people think well of me. However, if I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I did not intentionally hurt another, that I have met my own criteria and standards, then I'm OK. If I am truly hurt, I will avoid that person or circumstance, but I won't lash out and compound the situation by being combative. Life is too short and I have no need to prove myself to anyone. My favorite motto lately is ... It is what it is.... You either accept me or your don't. I'm happy with my own company.


Oh, this is exactly me! I spent my childhood being very shy and in my 40s I had an awakening! I don't rewind my day in my head hoping I didn't say anything or do anything that would be misunderstood. When my kids get that look (the "your embarrassing me" look) I just smile.

:roll:


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## glnwhi (Jan 19, 2011)

A very wise person said "to thine onself be true and it must follow as the night follows the day;thou canst not be false to others" so we see we need to be true to our feelings then we do no intentional hurt to anyone.If we act so that when our head presses the pillow we dont have to worry about what we have said or done we are doing great.
Let me tell those of you who worry about what others think or say about you,place your hand in a bucket of water,then draw it out,the size of the hole your hand left in the water is how much they are really going to think about you any way.As that water goes back in place ,that sure they will go on to bad mouth someone else when you are gone from them so I get from this pour the water out and be true to me!


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## smc (Nov 27, 2011)

This conversation is so timely. Just this week my daughter and I had a similar conversation. She said that she is finally accepting who she is and is comfortable in her own skin.. She has had some difficulty in the past with some of her friends and is now getting new ones who have more of her values. After a divorce, it took me some time to realize I was OK the way I was and if you didn't like it -too bad. Told that to my present husband the first time we went anywhere and bless his heart he accepted it and we have been married happily for 17 years.


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## Dukesy (Dec 9, 2011)

I just turned 58 this week and I have had white hair since my 30's. I have been a knitter since my teens so you can imagine the insensitive remarks I have endured about being an old lady knitter. Although I don't have a wrinkle on my face people always assumed I was my son's grandmother. Not one to be bothered by the comments I just laugh them off and tell people I am finally growing into my hair.


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## Leanna2 (Mar 31, 2011)

I agree. I have reached that age (57) where I don't concern myself much with what others think of me. I know who I am now. I wish I had known earlier. lol


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## 5mmdpns (Jun 1, 2011)

Nancibt, when she has said an unkind word to you about you, have you ever looked her in the eye and slowly asked her, "why do you have to say and act so mean to others? Are you that superior to everyone else who loves you?" Behavior is learned and she has learned to behave like this. No one has ever likely got in her face to tell her what she is truly like. If she says something horrid to you infront of your son, then you really need to speak up. 

Your son will not do anything about HIS WIFE'S behaviour unless you bring it to his attention.

There are consequences to everyone's behaviours and so far it looks like she is getting no consequences for her behaviour. You can also be very clear to her by saying, "When you say things like that to me, my feelings get really hurt. Why do you act and behave like a two year old child? Did your mother not teach you to have manners??" You must talk to her on her level, since kindness to her did not work. It is not right that another keeps on abusing others. Only you can stop the verbal abuse being shown to you. Chances are she also talks to your son in this manner when you are not around.


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## granda (Feb 18, 2011)

Thank you for those wise words. I'm going to memorize this use it with my adult children. I have felt the same over the last ten years. Now I understand why people used to respect and seek the advise of their elders. With age, God brings wisdom.


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## LadyDi (Jan 31, 2011)

You are so right. I too am 58 and love life! I've learned to let go and move on. Surround myself with positive people and always extend a smile! Happy Holidays!


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## Bootheelknitter (Oct 2, 2011)

Same here, besides, no one can hurt your feelings, unless you allow them.
As the years have gone by, I find, I don't have time for that.


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## jleighton (Jan 23, 2011)

FIDO which stands for: Forget It and Dive On; or in our case FIKO: Forget It and Knit On!


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## chaos (Aug 30, 2011)

My Mum had a Mrs. Jones she talked about. I used to believe the comment but the older I get I realize who cares about Mrs. Jones . No longer does she direct my life !!!!


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## DorothyLWM (May 8, 2011)

cheri49 said:


> I believe our lives, the up downs, the intended or non intended hurts, shape us, and hopfulley we say I prefer not to be shallow and hurtfull to others.
> I agree with you all. but as one said we do have an Achiles heel and some are quite intend on pushing it's button.
> 
> I'll be 63 in Jan and have a 2 difficult years with my son of 37.... he always said i was such a good Mom and how much he loves me; however after he married... I suddendly became a horrible mother it's take me a few years to realize I didn't change, he did by listening to a wife that hadn't been raised in a lovely ,c aring, kind home. It hurts that he doesn't speak and he believes that way; but I must realize that it's him whose view is altered.
> sorry this situation just tears my heart out at this time of year....


I know just how you feel, that happened to me/my family. That DIL told my son horrible things to make him feel bad about himself, me, and WORST, about his son (that he had when he married her). He eventually divorced her because she is hateful and poisonous, and you know...I magically became the person I was before. How about that?

As for forgiving her: for what she did to me- poof, who cares? What she did to my son and grandson, the best I can do is to turn her over to God and let Him deal with her. Their father/son relationship has been forever damaged by her viciousness, but we work for the best in repairing it as well as possible.

As for the original post: I enjoyed reading your post, and you are SO right. The Golden Rule tells us to do unto others as you would have them do unto you, but perhaps we could add: ..and do unto yourself, as you would do unto others, since so many of us are kinder to others than we are to our own self.


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## cheri49 (Apr 27, 2011)

She doesn't speak to me... basically I need to play 20 qestions to get anything out of her....no this is all behind my back..... and yess I'm sure she gives my son the same treatment....she goes to her family for holidays and he sits home alone. what a bizarre relationship. I miss my GK tho and stay civil with her.


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## nancibt (Jun 21, 2011)

5mmdpns said:


> Nancibt, when she has said an unkind word to you about you, have you ever looked her in the eye and slowly asked her, "why do you have to say and act so mean to others? Are you that superior to everyone else who loves you?" Behavior is learned and she has learned to behave like this. No one has ever likely got in her face to tell her what she is truly like. If she says something horrid to you infront of your son, then you really need to speak up.
> 
> Your son will not do anything about HIS WIFE'S behaviour unless you bring it to his attention.
> 
> ...


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## knittykitty (Mar 22, 2011)

My feelings have always been Live and Let Live. I try not to judge others and let rude comments roll off my back.

What makes folks cranky? Sometimes their own past is the irritant that makes them that way. So, say a prayer for their peace, turn the other cheek and let it go.

knittykitty


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## 5mmdpns (Jun 1, 2011)

nancibt said:


> 5mmdpns said:
> 
> 
> > Nancibt, when she has said an unkind word to you about you, have you ever looked her in the eye and slowly asked her, "why do you have to say and act so mean to others? Are you that superior to everyone else who loves you?" Behavior is learned and she has learned to behave like this. No one has ever likely got in her face to tell her what she is truly like. If she says something horrid to you infront of your son, then you really need to speak up.
> ...


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## cheri49 (Apr 27, 2011)

:thumbup: we could be living parallel lives. sounds like my DIL thankfully we are living apart also.


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## cheri49 (Apr 27, 2011)

:thumbup: Dorothy


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## Heartigan (Aug 29, 2011)

Your individual perceptions are your individual reality. Good, bad, indifferent, it's all yours. You own them. It is what it is!


janayoga said:


> One of my favorite sayings is: "No one can hurt me without my own consent." Another: "What you think of me is none of my business."
> 
> I can feel hurt by someone's comment, but then I must step back and examine why I bought into their statement. Was there some truth in it? Then address that. Am I just needing to please all people at all times? Then disengage and change my mind to a more rational course. Were my hurt feelings an echo of some distant event that still haunts me? Then look at that incident and accept it, forgive it, or dismiss it.
> 
> ...


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## tielma (Nov 20, 2011)

Ha ha! Great thought. I'm 90 and sure don't give much of a dam any more!


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## cheri49 (Apr 27, 2011)

I have the above quote printed and posted in a prominate place so I read it many times a day.


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## ann bar (Jul 11, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> Any thoughts or comments? Thank you for reading.


Had lunch with a friend yesterday...we were talking about that very thing and how comfortable we were in our own skin. I think for most women it takes time to evolve into the confident person we become. I saw it in my mother and I now am experiencing myself. It's not that I wasn't confident and comfortable with myself...it is now a more peaceful acceptance of myself and others. I am way past menopause but wonder if it happens because of that...almost like a fine wine that improves with age. (thanks for a great topic)


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## weaver1510 (Oct 2, 2011)

cheri49 said:


> I have the above quote printed and posted in a prominate place so I read it many times a day.


 :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## gma11331 (Oct 18, 2011)

nanacari said:


> And at 70, you just don't give a damm


And at 80 you REALLY don't give a damn!!!


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## cheri49 (Apr 27, 2011)

:lol: I believe the topic, has allowed many of us to vent our feelings, of sitiuations we have changed, or would like to change, I agree as I get older the inner me understands. However our skin seems never to be thick enough to let every hurt, unkind, snide remark or treatment slide away without some residual damage. thank you all. Knowing that we are not alone in some of our situations, allows us to feel empathy for the others and heal our own bruises.


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## Edith M (Aug 10, 2011)

5mmdpns said:


> nancibt said:
> 
> 
> > 5mmdpns said:
> ...


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## julietremain (Jul 8, 2011)

5mmdpns......THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! ....You said everything that needs to be heard....and we can see how VITAL it is to confront abuse..in any form...and we can learn to do so in a non abusive but very effective manner...it is never a mistake to defend yourself....but you pay a high price if you don't...
julie


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## Sharney (Oct 2, 2011)

Many, many years ago my grandmother used to tell me, when I would have a fit of histrionics, "Just remember, Sharon, the universe does not revolve around you." The kids today have another short and pithy statement meaning the same thing, "Get over yourself". Dad told me, "Sharney, in order to survive in this world you are going to have to grow a thicker skin". Well, today, at age 72, I remember that I am just a bit player in someone else's play, and, my hide is so thick I resemble a rhino. Getting rid of the fear of what others think of me left me with a great big lot of energy to knit like a demon and make all sorts of lovely things that I enjoy tremendously. Life is short: live, love, laugh!


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## cheri49 (Apr 27, 2011)

:thumbup: :lol: :mrgreen: :roll:


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## ann bar (Jul 11, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> I am continuing to read and enjoy all of your comments. It probably is somewhat a generational thing...to worry about what "they" think about us. But the wonderful part is that we reach a place where we can accept ourselves...and really believe that we are OK the way we are. And how about the friendship of women? We can reach across miles, countries even...in friendship. I think we could teach world leaders a few things...agree?


When invited any where my mom would always ask what will "they" be wearing what will "they" think of this or that. As a young child I often wanted to meet "they". I actually thought it was a person. Thanks for helping bring some fond memories back to me this morning...


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## beejayil (Nov 12, 2011)

My self esteem lies soley outside myself. I am God's beloved child and, since He thinks so highly of me I must be more than just O.K. Not better than others, never that, but valuable to Him and to myself.


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## 5mmdpns (Jun 1, 2011)

I think (for myself personally) we women are "trained to suffer in silence, and that our rightful place is to barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen". It has only been in the last few decades that we women, have been given the right to have our voices heard at election time -- we have been given the right to vote simply because it is recognized that we are humans too. Sad to say, in many countries this is not the case. We must learn to recognize abusive, negative behaviour in all its forms, and we also must not allow words to interfer in the truly beautiful people that we are. We are all different, but we are also all God's creations. We had a little saying in SS which was "God doesnt make junk". Ladies (and gents) we are not junk, we are beautiful!! Like the song says "everybody's beautiful, in their own way...." Hey all you beautiful folks, wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself one beautiful hug!!!! Gentle hugs from me to all of you wonderful people. Smile and the whole world smiles with you!!


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## Beverle (Dec 9, 2011)

I read once that if you walked onto the stage in front of 10,000 people there would be 10,000 opinions of you and you couldn't do anything about any of them. The only opinion that truly counts is your own. Love yourself completely and without judgement - the way your dog would/does. (Not your cat, of course, they do judge :? )


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## lillyella (Aug 14, 2011)

I agree totally l am 57 in april and like myself more than ever.Words use to hurt me but not now.


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## moke (Oct 8, 2011)

well said, lilys mom..and i really think that everyone has so many things to deal with these days...that i am being silly to even give their unkind words a second thought....so i just move on.


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## inishowen (May 28, 2011)

Sharney said:


> Many, many years ago my grandmother used to tell me, when I would have a fit of histrionics, "Just remember, Sharon, the universe does not revolve around you." The kids today have another short and pithy statement meaning the same thing, "Get over yourself". Dad told me, "Sharney, in order to survive in this world you are going to have to grow a thicker skin". Well, today, at age 72, I remember that I am just a bit player in someone else's play, and, my hide is so thick I resemble a rhino. Getting rid of the fear of what others think of me left me with a great big lot of energy to knit like a demon and make all sorts of lovely things that I enjoy tremendously. Life is short: live, love, laugh!


My son uses a great expression when someone is moaning about their life. "Build a bridge, get over it". I love it.


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## Sherlock (Jul 19, 2011)

Here in France, we're 7 hours ahead of the east coast of the USA. I'm pleased to find this interesting discussion as night falls. 

I am in total accord that liking yourself does take time. I like the quote from LP Hartley's book `The Go Between' - `the past is a foreign country, they do things differently there.' For me it sums up much, most of what has been discussed here today. It's our past and how we've lived it that lets us learn, if we accept the challenge, to face our demons, move on and become rounded, caring individuals. Our eyes are in the front of our hear for a very good reason! 

My husband tells me that I'm my own person. Recently my stepson told me that I was his inspiration. I haven't shared these comments elsewhere and the reason I mention them is that DH & SS don't take prisoners and I value their loving feedback. 

At 61, I'm happy in my skin.

TYF this riveting topic. TYF for the THINK summary too.
Have a good weekend all!


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## DorothyLWM (May 8, 2011)

5mmdpns said:


> nancibt said:
> 
> 
> > 5mmdpns said:
> ...


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## knittingagain (Apr 12, 2011)

As I've read through this post, I can relate to many of you. My father was an emotional abuser, not just to me but to my Mom, who grew up in an abusive home. I grew up not being able to please parents very often, & my Mom is still living & I still have trouble pleasing her. If you ask her, she is my biggest fan. However, what comes out of her mouth when she is not thinking about it is usually negative. Hard to get over when it still continues. I also had a very abusive job, persecution every time I turned around. I never did develop the thick skin, so now that I've retired, I surround myself with positive people who like me as I am & that helps.

It helps me to know that happy people do not hurt others, only unhappy people to. So when someone says something hurtful, I try to think about how hurt they must be in their lives. I've also found a poem that I keep on my wall to help me:

REVELATION
by Betty Isler

I had thought you distant, perfect 
in your poise and self control;
Admired and envied you, apart
Until the merest pinprick hole
Appeared beneath one offguard word.
And through it in a flash I saw
Your own dark halls of doubt and fear;
Knowing now this precious flaw,
Identifying, I shall lend
You courage too. Hello, my friend.

I'm so glad we had this topic today, reading what others have done to get where they are today, helps me to grow, too. So thank you all for being friends!

Diane


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## Bea 465 (Mar 27, 2011)

janayoga said:


> One of my favorite sayings is: "No one can hurt me without my own consent." Another: "What you think of me is none of my business."
> 
> I can feel hurt by someone's comment, but then I must step back and examine why I bought into their statement. Was there some truth in it? Then address that. Am I just needing to please all people at all times? Then disengage and change my mind to a more rational course. Were my hurt feelings an echo of some distant event that still haunts me? Then look at that incident and accept it, forgive it, or dismiss it.
> 
> ...


I may have to develope some of what you say as my personal mantra.


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## jjane139 (Mar 16, 2011)

After 39 years with a critical, controlling husband, I have learned to speak up for myself. If I did that with him, he would fly into a rage for which I would suffer. Now I am married to a more reasonable man from whom I put up with much less nonsense, and he does not make me suffer for standing up for myself. Of course, I keep to the subject when I need something different from him and do not allow irrelevancies to cloud the issue. We have our moments of conflict but I keep firm control of my tongue so that we do not get into anything that does not belong in THAT discussion. I never had the courage to do this before. As to taking accout of what others think of me, I have my hands full making sure I don't hurt them. As someone else has said here, I can't control what others think of me (if they do at all); just let me walk through life doing as little harm as possible and may I be forgiven for the rest.


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## theresa141 (Mar 12, 2011)

I agree with you completely. I am 59 and also feel at peace with myself. If you just try to be the best person you can be then everything else falls into place. I think the vast majority of people don't say hurtful things purposely but just don't think before they speak. I love my daughter-in-law to pieces but whatever pops into her brain comes out her mouth and she can be pretty rough on people. But I know she is a good person and a wonderful wife and mother and just doesn't think about maybe offending people with her words. The world and the people in it are still a beautiful place. There are merely a handful of truly vindictive people--and karma will catch up to them eventually.


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## Bea 465 (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> Thank you all for your comments and replies. I liked them all- and yes, where IS that like button Colorado Knits? When I was young my mother constantly worried about "what would Mrs Jones next door think?", or "what would so and so from church say"..that I developed this worry about "THEM". Now I don't care...I like me. Thanks again.


My mother always worried about what the neighbors would think too. When I was married (by a Justice of the Peace) I got pregnant and then miscarried. Her first words were what will the neighbors think, not how are you, are you okay, I'm so sorry, etc.


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## Bea 465 (Mar 27, 2011)

farmgirl said:


> ...Then like you said, it magically happened in my 40's, I stopped caring. Funny, it works with the dh too. He used to really be able to upset me sometimes but now I can just blow him off. At first it baffled him but now he actually likes my thick skin.


I'd love to know what it is, because dh can still upset me. Sometimes I can blow it off but other times it's a lot harder to do.


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## theresa141 (Mar 12, 2011)

What a beautiful poem! And so poignant. Everyone has flaws and doubts and fears. The answer to how to respond to unintended thoughtlessness lies within ourselves.


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## michiganmilly (Dec 10, 2011)

I'm new to this site, and I really like the apparent friendliness of everyone's postings so far. I too sometimes think that we often perceive comments as rude or hurtful, where nothing of the sort was intended. I am electronically challenged, and definitely not up on all the new techology, much less the texting shorthand used (it took me awhile to find out what lol meant!), however, I feel that we all need to be cognizant of how we may come across to others. We are who we are, and can accept each other by looking for the best in one another. Hope that this doesn't sound too preachy! I too can be rather blunt, but hopefully not hurtful.


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## Phoenix (Oct 2, 2011)

I recently turned 59 and I get what you're saying about the older we get, the less we really care what others think of us. I've learned to let things roll off my back...take things in stride....and not care what others think.....in fact, I've learned to laugh at rudeness and unkindness....it tends to make the one doing the unkindness to either think about what they did and amend it or get so p***ed off they stalk off...either way, you're done with the worst of it. LOL


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## Hazel Blumberg - McKee (Sep 9, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> Any thoughts or comments? Thank you for reading.


Beautiful, thoughtful, and thought-provoking sentiments! I'm 58 years old, too, and I find that I care less and less about what other people think. I think that perhaps age brings this with it.

Anyway, thanks for writing what you did. It's lovely, and it's true.

Hazel


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## yorkie1 (Sep 5, 2011)

I'll be 78 in Feb.and to heck with what other people think of me I just try to do my best in everything and feel other people are going to have to do the same, "(somday)"


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## grandmann (Feb 4, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> I am continuing to read and enjoy all of your comments. It probably is somewhat a generational thing...to worry about what "they" think about us. But the wonderful part is that we reach a place where we can accept ourselves...and really believe that we are OK the way we are. And how about the friendship of women? We can reach across miles, countries even...in friendship. I think we could teach world leaders a few things...agree?


I happen to agree, I'm taking the time and reading every message myself. I'm a very sensitive person and got hurt many times by people. I think it all boils down we need RESPECT for one and another. My MIL was a teacher part of teaching was also listening that's what she said. Many students came back to me saying what a great teacher she was.


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## bethltheisen (Nov 18, 2011)

oh yes to you.....at 76 who gives a royal c....


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## Gwen Webster (Nov 1, 2011)

To the Mrs. Jones message - I nearly laughed out loud. MY Mother would say "What will THEY think of us/you/me/ whom ever." Well, I learned too, not to worry about THEY. Keep smiling it makes your friends happy and your enemies wonder what you are thinking!!


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## ann bar (Jul 11, 2011)

Ladies...this has been delightful...I have read every post. Now it's time for me to go grocery shopping...and run a very long list of errands. It's still early here...but next week will be busy with a lot of fun things...so Aloha for now. Thanks for a good morning.


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## Gwen Webster (Nov 1, 2011)

way to go Alaska has no time for fiddle sticks and as a Canadian I know we really don't either lol


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## Gwen Webster (Nov 1, 2011)

sigh - warm breezes, oceans soft swish wow I feel so sorry for you poor souls!. well no not re really Have a great day from just the start of winter in Ontario. Gwen


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## grammaneice (Mar 7, 2011)

What day in march? I will be 77 march 1.


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## Designer1234 (Aug 9, 2011)

""I know, too, that emotional abuse is very real, but as mothers we cannot solve all the problems our children and grandchildren run up against. But we can refrain from adding to the problem by "throwing more wood on the fire."[/quote]

I agree with you on this. If you interfere and fight with her you will put your son in the position where he has to choose. He has made this choice and unless he decides to stand up for himself, he will stay in that situation. It could cause great problems for you and your grand children .

I made up my mind that I would remain silent about anything that I didn't agree with as I had a dreadful MIL and promised to myself that I would NEVER treat my son's wife the way she treated me- and when and if nastiness comes my way, I just smile and say ' I am sorry you feel that way - I care about all of you" and let it go.We have managed to keep a good relationship with my son and his family even though we don't agree on lots of things in their life.

I feel that if he ever breaks up with his wife my relationship with both of them is such that neither can say I added to their problems. Especially with grandchildren involved.

just my two cents worth. I have come home very frustrated at times and so has my dh but we NEVER say a word about it to our son.


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## spiritwalker (Jun 15, 2011)

I agree that it doesn't worry me what other people think.
I was raised to believe that what others thought didn't count.
What God thought of me did. I was also brought up to treat
others with respect and kindness. Words spoken can hurt and can never be taken back. Its best to remain silent.


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## boncamp (Mar 11, 2011)

Yes, it takes a while to grow into yourself. Like everyone else, I used to care too much what other people thought of mr. Since reaching my 60's and finally fitting my own skin, I try to follow two rules: one, if someone I really care about says or does something to hurt me, I wait until my emotions are steady then confront them and tell them how their words or actions hurt me. Best to get it out in the open and not let the hurt fester, because nursing a grudge hurts self more than anyone. Two, if it is a casual friend or acquaintance, I simply ask them politely, "Why do you say that?" or "Why do you think so" or some such reply, and most of the time they can't justify their words. Just a few words from someone who has lived 80 years and still like myself fairly well. I know my faults, don't need anyone else to tell me, huh?


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## grandmann (Feb 4, 2011)

Alot of times we need to take our frustrations out in our knitting and crocheting. I know that is one of the reasons why I knit its sooooo relaxing and it helps to take our minds off our troubles.


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## Omagirl (Dec 10, 2011)

leoanne said:


> In your 20's you worry about what people think of you.
> In your 30's you don't care what other people think of you.
> In your 40'2 you realize people weren't thinking about you at all!!


I love this!!!


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## Anita H (Feb 4, 2011)

I was surprised to see this topic since I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I was the baby of eight kids, all of which were popular, smart, outgoing and good looking. I was so shy that it was unreal, not a great student and rather gauky in school, I was really insecure until I was in my mid 20's and joined the Air Force. I began to realize that I was one of the luckiest people in the world to have been raised in the most loving, supportive family ever, with the best 5 brothers and 2 sisters any one could ever have. I'm now 63, am confident and totally happy with myself and everthing that I have accomplished so far in my life. Now I can look back and laugh at that shy, gauky kid I use to be. I don't concern myself with what other people do or say and really don't worry about changing myselt to please other people. I try to treat everyone as I would like to be treated, be the best person I can and let it go at that. It sure took a lot of years to get to this point though and would not want to go through it again.


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## bethltheisen (Nov 18, 2011)

My old Irish grandma use to say (when you were putting someone down) "Others faults ar'nt many they have only two everything they say and everything they do" and then she would say I don't want to hear anything bad about them only good.


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## ddbigger (Dec 1, 2011)

and at 80+ even more so :-D


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## IrishRose49 (Nov 19, 2011)

I turn 63 in the Spring and agree, it's great when you hit your 30s and the "invisible audience" disappears. I had a hypercritical, cold mother who left me with such low self esteem that I married a man just like her. After leaving him (20 yrs and 3 kids later), I learned to love and accept myself as I was and then discovered I had a lot going for me after all. I've done a great job as a mother by NOT being anything like mine, but I've forgiven mine and now love her just as she is, too.
Peace to all.


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## MindyG (Aug 6, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> Thank you all for your comments and replies. I liked them all- and yes, where IS that like button Colorado Knits? When I was young my mother constantly worried about "what would Mrs Jones next door think?", or "what would so and so from church say"..that I developed this worry about "THEM". Now I don't care...I like me. Thanks again.


I'll be 60 in March and I agree with you 100% For me, it's a shame that it took until my 50's to finally be at peace w/myself and really like who I am. But the bottom line is that I got here! Thanks for this sharing today...you are all lovely people and I love this website. Happy Holidays to each and every one of you.


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## geewhiz (Jun 20, 2011)

A wise old lady once said to me "When someone points a finger at you, they have four pointing back at themselves". No one is perfect, espially the pointers so I don't worry much about what people think of me. I do my best not to hurt anybody, and if I do I am quick to appologise. That way I can get on with enjoying life. Gee


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## wilnita (Sep 7, 2011)

My saying is I like me who do you like
And
Oh well when they are talking about me they are not talking about some one else :thumbup:


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## Mary Smith (Oct 12, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> Any thoughts or comments? Thank you for reading.


I'm in my 70s. Wait until you reach the rewards of this wonderful age - you no longer feel "obligated" to anyone because of what they might think (within reason of course), you've learned how to say "no" when you just don't feel like doing something and you finally have learned how to sleep in if that is your nature. Can't beat the 70s. Now let's hear it from the 80+ and their new found freedoms. I'd love to know what I have to look forward to.


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## 3mom (Apr 20, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> Any thoughts or comments? Thank you for reading.


I think you are right. I'm 67 and I just chalk some things up to naiviety. Someone made a remark today because I don't have a TV, and said how she watches hers all the time, and I calmly remarked "You really are a clone, aren't you." Made me feel good, but her remark just showed me how ignorant she is. ( PS--I also go to bed at 7:30, but, hey, to each his own, right).


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## DorothyLWM (May 8, 2011)

"I am sorry you feel that way - I care about all of you"

This is a Great Answer, Designer1234! Thanks for sharing.


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## DorothyLWM (May 8, 2011)

Mary Smith said:


> Lilysmom567 said:
> 
> 
> > After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> ...


That is so neat! Thanks for sharing this viewpoint. I'm 66 so I have a few years yet to get there, and I admit I'm still a bit inclined to do things I don't really want to do, but feel I should. So, hopefully, in a few years, I'll cut that out.


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## weaver1510 (Oct 2, 2011)

cheri49 said:


> :lol: I believe the topic, has allowed many of us to vent our feelings, of sitiuations we have changed, or would like to change, I agree as I get older the inner me understands. However our skin seems never to be thick enough to let every hurt, unkind, snide remark or treatment slide away without some residual damage. thank you all. Knowing that we are not alone in some of our situations, allows us to feel empathy for the others and heal our own bruises.


 :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: Well said.


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## bethltheisen (Nov 18, 2011)

My dil use to make trouble....but I finally realized it was envy on her part...her family did not care as much about her as her husbands family cared about him. And she finally told me what a wonderful job I had done(by myself) They are divorced now and the children live with my son (and me) and she visits almost daily. We still do not have a really nice relationship, but I realize that it was her envy that caused the trouble.


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## 3mom (Apr 20, 2011)

bethltheisen said:


> My dil use to make trouble....but I finally realized it was envy on her part...her family did not care as much about her as her husbands family cared about him. And she finally told me what a wonderful job I had done(by myself) They are divorced now and the children live with my son (and me) and she visits almost daily. We still do not have a really nice relationship, but I realize that it was her envy that caused the trouble.


You are a very wise, intuitive person.


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## PittyPat (Jul 2, 2011)

BabyandBoo'smother.....I have a TV but I don't have a DVD player and don't want one. People don't understand when I tell them I have so many patterns to knit, books to read, etc I have no time or desire for movies. I still work as a nurse and I go to ed by no later than 8:30, sometimes earlier and read. I am 65 and still going strong as ever. 
I have enjoyed all the comments this morning. I had a horrible MIL and vowed I would never be as ugly to my DIL. My DIL tells me I am more a mother to her than her own mother was. I consider those words to be dear. PittyPAt


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## mtn meme (Feb 17, 2011)

You got it in a nutshell!


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## Beatlesfan (May 28, 2011)

PittyPat said:


> BabyandBoo'smother.....I have a TV but I don't have a DVD player and don't want one. People don't understand when I tell them I have so many patterns to knit, books to read, etc I have no time or desire for movies. I still work as a nurse and I go to ed by no later than 8:30, sometimes earlier and read. I am 65 and still going strong as ever.
> I have enjoyed all the comments this morning. I had a horrible MIL and vowed I would never be as ugly to my DIL. My DIL tells me I am more a mother to her than her own mother was. I consider those words to be dear. PittyPAt


I love having a DVD player because I watch how-to DVDs. I am into a lot of crafts and like to watch how other people do things. I get how-to DVDs as gifts...I love that! I watch movies and that is when I get most of my knitting done! That and waiting rooms....LOL


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## 5mmdpns (Jun 1, 2011)

I do think that the ones who had the opinion to butt out of the abusive relationship really do not understand what it is like to be horridly abused. The one being abused very much feels isolated and alone. They bear the shame of being "not good enough". Often it is only the mother who will understand this and her son needs to hear it from her lips and not try to shove the abuse under the rug hoping that to ignore it will make it go away. It will not. No longer is it the right thing to stay in an abusive relationship. 
I have some questions for all those who have gotten out of an abusive relationship -- would you still want to be in that relationship? why not?? are you too good to stay there and be abused?? (yes, are you too good??) These are some questions that seriously need to be answered. The human psychi and ego is a fragile thing, if it wasnt, then no one would ever feel hurt and this topic would not have come up. There is no one who leaves an abusive relationship on their own, they all needed assistance to get out of it. Unless you have truly been abused, you can not begin to imagine the pain and fear of what daily life is like for the abused person/s. You can have your theory of "turn the other cheek" but it will never ever change the abuser. As one who has been repeatedly abused, I do know of what I speak of and I do understand. For those who have not been abused, you can never walk a mile in our shoes no matter how much you try.


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## bethltheisen (Nov 18, 2011)

That and not all abuse is physical


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## 5mmdpns (Jun 1, 2011)

bethltheisen said:


> That and not all abuse is physical


 :thumbup:


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## DorothyLWM (May 8, 2011)

5mmdpns said:


> I do think that the ones who had the opinion to butt out of the abusive relationship really do not understand what it is like to be horridly abused. The one being abused very much feels isolated and alone. They bear the shame of being "not good enough". Often it is only the mother who will understand this and her son needs to hear it from her lips and not try to shove the abuse under the rug hoping that to ignore it will make it go away. It will not. No longer is it the right thing to stay in an abusive relationship.
> I have some questions for all those who have gotten out of an abusive relationship -- would you still want to be in that relationship? why not?? are you too good to stay there and be abused?? (yes, are you too good??) These are some questions that seriously need to be answered. The human psychi and ego is a fragile thing, if it wasnt, then no one would ever feel hurt and this topic would not have come up. There is no one who leaves an abusive relationship on their own, they all needed assistance to get out of it. Unless you have truly been abused, you can not begin to imagine the pain and fear of what daily life is like for the abused person/s. You can have your theory of "turn the other cheek" but it will never ever change the abuser. As one who has been repeatedly abused, I do know of what I speak of and I do understand. For those who have not been abused, you can never walk a mile in our shoes no matter how much you try.


Your assumption is incorrect. To believe there is only YOUR way to respond to abuse, and everyone else is wrong, is a form of bullying itself. (putting others down for not areeing with you)

I know very well what it is like, having grown up with emotional abuse, limiting my life opportunities because of a damaged self-image, suffered for many years at a husband's emotional abuse, limiting the number of friends as I didn't believe anyone would really like me, working for several cruel bosses, and then having a vicious daughter-in-law take advantage and poison my son and grandchildren against me.

I understand the isolation and the feeling of unworthiness Very well. The fact that so many people got away with mis-treating me is an obvious indication of a poor self esteem. There were many days when I thought about driving into a tree on the way home.

I also understand abusers well enough (have certainly known enough of them) to know that you will not change them, and could very well make things worse by confrontation. I know this from experience the first time around, and chose in the following relationships not to throw fuel to the fire, as it can explode badly and even become dangerous.

If you need to save yourself, then do that. It has to be the victim's decision, because someone else's advice and help could come back to haunt them, with blame once the victim starts missing that abusing person. Don't think that can't happen. If the victim doesn't want to leave on their own accord, they will likely go back, or find another person just like them.

In the case of a son or daughter in law, I repeat MYOB. An interfering mother in law makes things WORSE. I had one. I will Not be one. And though my ex-daughter in law loves no one, my three sons in law do love me for not trying to run their lives, even when I have not appreciated some remarks and actions.

Unless you are dealing with a maniac, a soft answer WILL turn away wrath. If you are dealing with a maniac, then Get Out, Quickly.


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## 5mmdpns (Jun 1, 2011)

DorothyLWM, I meant no disrespect to anyone. I am going on my own experiences and that is all we have. I do know that a soft answer will turn away wrath, as that is what I did for nearly 2 decades. It did absolutely nothing except prevent the abuse from happening IN THAT MOMENT. Things really spun out of control. If I had someone give me a soft word of understanding, I would never have put up with all the years of abuse I did go through. If any of my in-laws would have at least warned me about the things that he did with and to his first family, I would never have married the guy. No one told me because they all butted out when they should have been actively involved before we got married. They knew what he was doing to me and my son and did nothing. By doing nothing they were condoning his abuse and agreeing that I deserved this. Remember, you have your experience and I have mine. In my case, it had nothing to do with not wanting to leave but everything to do with I could not leave. Remember as well, some people who are in abusive relationships have zero self-esteem and usually commit suicide, they dont just think of it. They see no way out because no one has offered them an extended hand and said, come with me and I will help you out.


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## hilary (Apr 5, 2011)

Would just like to say I agree with all the above. Am 60 now and feeling very liberated........ live alone, pleasemyself and am at last forsaking relationships (mainly failed)~ and living for me and giving time to those less fortunate than myself as in bad health or lonely.


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## bethltheisen (Nov 18, 2011)

And no one can know what you have been thru.....without walking in your shoes.


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## bbkcgpchoo (Sep 22, 2011)

Love this!


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## Tanglewoodfarm (Nov 22, 2011)

Like many of you, I used to try to be "perfect" and please everybody. I have reached an age where it just does not matter to me what anyone thinks, and I do pretty much as I please. I have a much better self image now, and am also a lot happier with my life. Stressing over what others think, just is bad for your health, so don't do it. Be kind to others, and treat them the way you want to be treated is my motto and I'm sticking to it. There are folks out there that are just plain mean and I just won't associate with those. Makes life a lot easier and much more pleasant. BTW, I have found that animals don't do a lot of the bad stuff that people do. They also accept you for what you are, not what you "should be". Enjoy life, it is way too short.


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## bbkcgpchoo (Sep 22, 2011)

Love this more!


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## monel (May 10, 2011)

nanacari said:


> And at 70, you just don't give a damm


I LIKE THIS!!!


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## Gidget'smom (Jul 31, 2011)

Wow, you are SO Correct on eveything that you said!!! Thank You for saying it.


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## julie windham (Feb 21, 2011)

nancibt said:


> I agree with all of you, especially the person who said she spent her early years trying to conform and please parents, bosses or a controlling husband. I am also "recovering" from such situations and have come to realize that I am just fine. I am under no illusion that everyone will like me, but I know I have many friends and acquaintances who love and admire me -- because they tell me so. BUT how does one deal with a DIL who seems to have a preconceived notion that all MIL's are mean, hateful women and is constantly on the alert for any words or deeds that can be misinterpreted as hurtful? I was ready to welcome my DIL into my life, but it seems impossible. She will even phone me for the sole purpose of telling me that 18 months ago I said something or other that hurt her feelings (something that would be totally uncharacteristic and out of character for me to have said and that I have no recollection of saying). Her attacks have such a chilling effect that I feel I can't communicate to her unless it is in writing so I have a record! Normally such a person would simply be "excused" from my life. But this is the wife of my son and the mother of my grandson. I can remind myself that what she thinks of me has nothing to do with me, but It remains a painful situation even though I know I am a good person and would be a good MIL.


My take on this is that your DIL has problems that did not originate with you. Sorry this is happening to you.


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## Designer1234 (Aug 9, 2011)

5mmdons -- I am so sorry you had such a dreadful time. 

I agree with you that in cases of abuse people should step in. I can only speak for myself. I lived in an abusive home when I was growing up and I wished so many times that someone would help us. I agree - each of us has our own background and life and what is good for one is not good for another. I spoke only about my son and reading it over it seemed judgmental which is not what I intended. I am so glad you got out. I think it is all our 
responsibilities (especially those who know about abuse in their family) to alert someone like you, and to stop it before you got into the situation- even if it is necessary to get outside help. 

I would not want you to think I am excusing this type of abuse in any way and I am sure the others aren't either. My thoughts are with you and will continue to be with you. I am thankful you are out and I hope you are okay. Shirley


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## Rossi (May 15, 2011)

I read in the paper the other day, that some research show that people get happier as they get older. I think this may have some truth in it. I used to worry all the time when I was young. Now I feel content with my lot. I have my family, my friends and have regained my health. I find I appreciate life much more and am thankful for it.

I hope this doesn't sound too complacent, I know people have worries and problems but as we get older I think we cope better. Does anyone agree?


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## Lilysmom567 (Nov 8, 2011)

kayrein said:


> Lilysmom567 said:
> 
> 
> > I am continuing to read and enjoy all of your comments. It probably is somewhat a generational thing...to worry about what "they" think about us. But the wonderful part is that we reach a place where we can accept ourselves...and really believe that we are OK the way we are. And how about the friendship of women? We can reach across miles, countries even...in friendship. I think we could teach world leaders a few things...agree?
> ...


For sure!! Amen!!


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## 5mmdpns (Jun 1, 2011)

Thank you Shirley. I come from a home in which it was expected that the woman got used, abused, and misused because it was "better for the family" to stay together rather than get out. The parents learned this behaviour from their parents, and those parents from theirs....and so the cycle of abuse continues. There are those who do look the other way instead of helping the abused persons get out. I will not ever be that way. If there is abuse, then I must say something. There is no excuse for abuse other than someone is allowed to take a power trip. It has to stop, and it will someday stop for everyone who is in an abusive situation. If only kind words to one another is ever said, then that will be enough to start with on the road to "peace among all men".


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## Johnna (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> Any thoughts or comments? Thank you for reading.


You're right. For years I told my kids and gkids that hurt feelings was a problem that they could solve because they allowed their feelings to get hurt. But, even so, words CAN hurt. However, as I have gotten older I realize that my feelings don't get hurt because I figure the other person is in a bad place or spoke in haste and I don't let it bother me.
Johnna


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## DorothyLWM (May 8, 2011)

5mmdpns said:


> DorothyLWM, I meant no disrespect to anyone. I am going on my own experiences and that is all we have. I do know that a soft answer will turn away wrath, as that is what I did for nearly 2 decades. It did absolutely nothing except prevent the abuse from happening IN THAT MOMENT. Things really spun out of control. If I had someone give me a soft word of understanding, I would never have put up with all the years of abuse I did go through. If any of my in-laws would have at least warned me about the things that he did with and to his first family, I would never have married the guy. No one told me because they all butted out when they should have been actively involved before we got married. They knew what he was doing to me and my son and did nothing. By doing nothing they were condoning his abuse and agreeing that I deserved this. Remember, you have your experience and I have mine. In my case, it had nothing to do with not wanting to leave but everything to do with I could not leave. Remember as well, some people who are in abusive relationships have zero self-esteem and usually commit suicide, they dont just think of it. They see no way out because no one has offered them an extended hand and said, come with me and I will help you out.


I Absolutely agree with you -- they should have warned you. Would they just watch while a person unknowingly walked off a cliff? or into a car? That was cruel, and much different than butting into someone else's marriage, when it does not include physical danger.

Emotional abuse is horrible, no argument, but I really believe the only person who can save you from emotional abuse is you. Physical abuse and danger is another matter. I don't think the first lady was talking about that kind of illegal situation, but just a snotty, negative daughter in law. Mine was worse than just snotty, but I still let my son deal with her.

So I think we are talking about two different situations, which need two different responses. If you're dealing with a maniac, you need to get out asap. There should be more avenues for women who are in danger. I had no place to go either, but he wasn't physically dangerous. Although who knows how it could escalate if you challenge a bully? Not safe to try.

And having been a young woman who wanted nothing more than to be a "Perfect wife" @@ and did everything I could to make him happy, while he ignored me or criticized me, stayed out every night drinking with friends, while I took care of the kids, and his parents coached him not to spoil me, and even when I saved his business by working it when he had an accident, they wouldn't help me, but came over to check on me - mind you, there was Never any reason for this suspicion - I feel very strongly about parents butting in when they do not have the right or enough correct information to make a judgement. When we meet in Heaven, I want them to stay away from me. But I'm not bitter....


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## Lilysmom567 (Nov 8, 2011)

julie windham said:


> nancibt said:
> 
> 
> > I agree with all of you, especially the person who said she spent her early years trying to conform and please parents, bosses or a controlling husband. I am also "recovering" from such situations and have come to realize that I am just fine. I am under no illusion that everyone will like me, but I know I have many friends and acquaintances who love and admire me -- because they tell me so. BUT how does one deal with a DIL who seems to have a preconceived notion that all MIL's are mean, hateful women and is constantly on the alert for any words or deeds that can be misinterpreted as hurtful? I was ready to welcome my DIL into my life, but it seems impossible. She will even phone me for the sole purpose of telling me that 18 months ago I said something or other that hurt her feelings (something that would be totally uncharacteristic and out of character for me to have said and that I have no recollection of saying). Her attacks have such a chilling effect that I feel I can't communicate to her unless it is in writing so I have a record! Normally such a person would simply be "excused" from my life. But this is the wife of my son and the mother of my grandson. I can remind myself that what she thinks of me has nothing to do with me, but It remains a painful situation even though I know I am a good person and would be a good MIL.
> ...


I must agree...your DIL has problems or issues that were there long before she was in your family. Be strong. Be there for your son and grandson if and when needed. And try not to let her get to you. Write if you like, or PM. Take care of you. Regards, Eileen


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## Lilysmom567 (Nov 8, 2011)

Rossi said:


> I read in the paper the other day, that some research show that people get happier as they get older. I think this may have some truth in it. I used to worry all the time when I was young. Now I feel content with my lot. I have my family, my friends and have regained my health. I find I appreciate life much more and am thankful for it.
> 
> I hope this doesn't sound too complacent, I know people have worries and problems but as we get older I think we cope better. Does anyone agree?


Agree whole heartedly!!


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## kerrie35094 (Jul 2, 2011)

Zoe, thank you for your posting. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 28 years and then one day a friend offered me her hand. Believe me, I jumped at the opportunity. He was involved in a relationship very quickly and the new lady asked a woman my ex worked with if she knew why his first marriage failed. She was told, if you really want to know, I'll be happy to tell you. Until then, the only thing I'll say is that I'm just happy we aren't visiting K in jail because she should have done him in long ago. The lady married him anyway and has cried on my shoulder many times. She had a fairly loud warning which she chose not to heed. I actually felt guilty for quite a while but no longer. Self esteem is hard to come by when you live with that kind of power being wielded on a daily basis.


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## Grammy Toni (Apr 30, 2011)

I decided several years ago that no one can hurt my feelings if I don't let them! It's my decision if I am going to be hurt by people who don't care what they say. That being said, it's hard not to feel hurt by your mother, your DH, or your children, but you can put what they say into perspective and decide if they were right, or partially right, and if so, is there is something you need to do to change that perception or not.


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## Cindy F (Jul 17, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> Any thoughts or comments? Thank you for reading.


It was my message you read. And yes, I understand what you are saying completely. After the initial shock, I came to the same conclusion. I'm a good person, and I don't seem to care too much what my DIL thinks. I wrapped the stocking and put it under the tree. On Christmas morn, our new baby Scarlett will have it and whatever her Mom chooses to do with it, I know I gave, with love, something for my newest little angel.


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## GrandmaMoses (Sep 1, 2011)

Amen!


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## Shdy990 (Mar 10, 2011)

I usually thank God that I'm not like them.


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## mzknitter1 (Jan 28, 2011)

I really don't care what people think of me, as long as G-d loves me.


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## bettyboop (Feb 10, 2011)

nanacari is right. I am 73 and really don't care. When I married my DH 54 yrs. ago, I was very quiet. In 1969 went to work for a freight company and found out if I didn't stand on my own 2 ft. those truckers were going to ride all over me and then that's when I got "mouthy". I guess I'm a great grandma with an attitude but that's ok. I don't like it when people hurt other people's feelings. Life is to short and at 73 mine seems to be getting shorter.


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## Ranger371 (Oct 29, 2011)

I am 57. I try to treat others as I want to be treated. I really care only what those closest to me think. It takes too much energy to try to please everyone!!! " to thine one self be true!"


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## onesoutherngal (Jun 6, 2011)

you know...i think we have days when we are strong...and days when we are more easily deceived into believing the negativity that the world can throw at us...

those are the days when we have to draw upon the happy memories of better times to carry us through...

i also believe that, "kindness creates blessings". a compliment, a simple smile, a note in the mail, or a positive text may be a lifeline to someone if they are trying to survive their own dark day.


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## kerrie35094 (Jul 2, 2011)

So true, onesoutherngal!


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## missylam (Aug 27, 2011)

Lilysmom, those are very wise words. I am almost 70 and I like myself the way I am. I was fortunate to have a very loving and supportive husband for 40 yrs. I have a lot more patience now than I did at 20.


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## kneonknitter (Feb 10, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> Any thoughts or comments? Thank you for reading.


When I hit 50, I started having the same thought processes. I started looking back on my life & seeing things differently & started letting go of lots of hurt & anger. I also realized the same thing you did...the only important things were the things I thought, not what others thought, including my husband & kids. The only way people could abuse me was if I let them do it. At 57 I had to have emergency surgery to have a pacemaker implanted. My feelings were cemented by this turn of events. The only one by my side at the time was my husband. I learned that if I am so un-important to the people in my life whom I considered important to me, I needed another attitude change. I am now 60 & am happy with who I am & how I feel about myself & others. If my life threatening situation meant so little to certain people, then so be it. I prioritized my philosophy about life & relationships & now feel no guilt or bad feelings when I say, 'gee. I'm sorry. Please keep me posted as to what happens.' Yes it does take us a long time to learn these lessons & change how we look at things, but, I am glad that I did.


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## MindyG (Aug 6, 2011)

Rossi said:


> I read in the paper the other day, that some research show that people get happier as they get older. I think this may have some truth in it. I used to worry all the time when I was young. Now I feel content with my lot. I have my family, my friends and have regained my health. I find I appreciate life much more and am thankful for it.
> 
> I hope this doesn't sound too complacent, I know people have worries and problems but as we get older I think we cope better. Does anyone agree?


Definitely..as I've gotten older, it's like I made friends with myself and started to get comfortable in my own skin. I like me now. And surprisingly, so do some other people, the others I just forget about.


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## MindyG (Aug 6, 2011)

Gwen Webster said:


> To the Mrs. Jones message - I nearly laughed out loud. MY Mother would say "What will THEY think of us/you/me/ whom ever." Well, I learned too, not to worry about THEY. Keep smiling it makes your friends happy and your enemies wonder what you are thinking!!


Good one!!!


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## jay macey (Sep 14, 2011)

I found a long time ago not to let things people say upset me, opinions are like backsides, everybody has one lol regards jay


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## josheli (Feb 23, 2011)

I always felt bad for those who were treated or I perceived were treated bad. I still feel the same. For myself, getting older (62) my skin has gotten a lot thicker. I never wanted to keep up with the Jones. Funny now since my in laws are the Jones!


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## tamarque (Jan 21, 2011)

Morning All---Yes, I agree with everyone here. When we are young we are 'socialized' into the kind of people others think we should be. And so sadly, it takes several decades to begin to find out who we really want to be. That is part of the wisdom of our croning years--finding ourselves and defining ourselves as separate from others. That is where and when we find peace.


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## hilary (Apr 5, 2011)

Thank you everyone for all your comments. This is all helping me to live with myself and accept where I am now. I appreciate your honesty everyone and sharing your feelings. This is so valuable.


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## 3mom (Apr 20, 2011)

5mmdpns said:


> I do think that the ones who had the opinion to butt out of the abusive relationship really do not understand what it is like to be horridly abused. The one being abused very much feels isolated and alone. They bear the shame of being "not good enough". Often it is only the mother who will understand this and her son needs to hear it from her lips and not try to shove the abuse under the rug hoping that to ignore it will make it go away. It will not. No longer is it the right thing to stay in an abusive relationship.
> I have some questions for all those who have gotten out of an abusive relationship -- would you still want to be in that relationship? why not?? are you too good to stay there and be abused?? (yes, are you too good??) These are some questions that seriously need to be answered. The human psychi and ego is a fragile thing, if it wasnt, then no one would ever feel hurt and this topic would not have come up. There is no one who leaves an abusive relationship on their own, they all needed assistance to get out of it. Unless you have truly been abused, you can not begin to imagine the pain and fear of what daily life is like for the abused person/s. You can have your theory of "turn the other cheek" but it will never ever change the abuser. As one who has been repeatedly abused, I do know of what I speak of and I do understand. For those who have not been abused, you can never walk a mile in our shoes no matter how much you try.


Yes, but not all (kinds) of abuse are from a spouse. Or even a MIL. Think closer, like a mother, father, aunt, uncle, grandmother or grandfather, etc. Sometimes it's impossible to remove yourself (at least effectively) from the relationship.


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## Lilysmom567 (Nov 8, 2011)

Ranger371 said:


> I am 57. I try to treat others as I want to be treated. I really care only what those closest to me think. It takes too much energy to try to please everyone!!! " to thine one self be true!"


When I was becoming a teenager I got an "autograph book" for a birthday gift. My mother wrote "To thine own self be true....." on the first page....and I have never forgotten that quote.(Even if I have forgotten it's meaning in my life a few times)


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## silvercharms (Mar 29, 2011)

I thank goodness I cut myself off from brothers and SILS who always looked down on me. 
That feeling is great! 
Not so good when you jump from the frying pan into the proverbial.... but at least I am better prepared to deal with the difficulties of a bad marriage. There are many consolations to be found, in Nature, in crafts, in learning to be yourself, in reading and so on.
But last week when I was wrongly and virulently attacked on the forum, and let down by another person I'd very diligently tried to help, again, through the forum, and found no help from anyone, including those at home, I really felt bad. 
People who are already dealing with heavy burdens will feel things like this more strongly


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## 3mom (Apr 20, 2011)

You are right, and I am so sorry this happened. Please try to remember, we are just human with a diverse mixture of people. There are always people that have a difference of opinion, and some state it more thoughfully than others. You are a very strong person, as you have demonstrated in the past.


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## bethltheisen (Nov 18, 2011)

The amount of happiness you have is measured by the amount of freedom you have in your heart


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## weaver1510 (Oct 2, 2011)

This has been such good therapy. Something we all need to hear to help each of us become whom we are meant to be-at peace. Thank you Thank you.


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## Johnna (Mar 27, 2011)

onesoutherngal said:


> you know...i think we have days when we are strong...and days when we are more easily deceived into believing the negativity that the world can throw at us...
> 
> those are the days when we have to draw upon the happy memories of better times to carry us through...
> 
> i also believe that, "kindness creates blessings". a compliment, a simple smile, a note in the mail, or a positive text may be a lifeline to someone if they are trying to survive their own dark day.


I agree. People are mean when they feel ill, when they hurt inside and when life is just too hard for them...a smile and a "how are you" can perk up their day. God says that we must look thru the layers to the part He loves as much as He loves us. True healing comes from within and the fact that we can start that healing with a smile and a hello is wonderful. Children, especially, need continual kindness. Kindness keeps the wheels of society greased!
Johnna


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## inishowen (May 28, 2011)

silvercharms said:


> I thank goodness I cut myself off from brothers and SILS who always looked down on me.
> That feeling is great!
> Not so good when you jump from the frying pan into the proverbial.... but at least I am better prepared to deal with the difficulties of a bad marriage. There are many consolations to be found, in Nature, in crafts, in learning to be yourself, in reading and so on.
> But last week when I was wrongly and virulently attacked on the forum, and let down by another person I'd very diligently tried to help, again, through the forum, and found no help from anyone, including those at home, I really felt bad.
> People who are already dealing with heavy burdens will feel things like this more strongly


I was going to pm you at the time to give you some support. I wish I had now. I too was verbally abused by a person who is giving her opinions on this thread. She is saying we should be nice to each other. When she was so nasty to me recently I didn't sleep for two nights. It was totally uncalled for. I hope she knows who I'm talking about.


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## Designer1234 (Aug 9, 2011)

It is sad that this can happen on a forum like this. Is it possible she didn't realize she was coming across the way she did? I hope, if she reads these posts she will be more careful what she posts. A personal note from her would be welcomed if it came in the form of an explanation or apology.

I have been involved with a group for years and in all that time only one person ever posted unkind posts and she was going through a horrendous experience at home at the time which we didn't know about. As I had started the group I had emailed her privately and explained that those kind of posts were uncalled for and not allowed. She phoned me and broke down and I realized that she was dealing with some really bad experiences. She emailed the ladies she had been nasty to privately, apologized 
and all was sorted out. She became one of our most active members and 
has told us that our reaction to her problems helped her solve the problems she was dealing with and that she was so thankful I had contacted her. 



I know how badly people's words can hurt and I hope you can let it go. Remember you both are not the ones with the problem -- The worst thing we can do to ourselves is take such type of remarks too personally and allow ourselves to be hurt to the extent we lose sleep over something someone said who we don't even know. It is so hard to let things like that go. 

My thoughts are with you both and I hope you will not allow someone's remarks to make you feel hurt and bullied, and 
be made to feel unwelcome by people who have their own agenda or problems. 

This is such a great group of helpful, kind people and one or two bad posts should not be allowed to spoil it for anyone. 

this is a great thread , and it is amazing how much alike we all are and how each of us has felt insignificant and uncertain and unloved - and each of us struggle with feelings of poor self worth. Onward and upward as my mother used to say when I told her my problems (after giving me a hug). My hugs go out to both of you. Shirley


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## DorothyLWM (May 8, 2011)

I don't remember seeing posts where someone was attacked. I hope no one feels I've done that. That was never my intention.

I've found, as one gal wisely pointed out, there are some situations you can't get out of, and it's safest to keep a low profile and don't fight back-because it will get worse.

In other situations, if necessary and possible, a person should extract their self, asap. 

I've been surprised, and saddened, to see so many posts about having felt unloved and unappreciated. I've felt that way too long in my life, and just now realizing I have more worth than I ever dreamed. I've watched "It's a Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart, and wished I could claim such a legacy as that character. I'm thinking we might all come closer to that than we ever dreamed possible, because we know abusing another person is so wrong, we know the damage it creates, and we're determined not to perpetuate the cycle.


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## bethltheisen (Nov 18, 2011)

DorothyLWM said:


> I don't remember seeing posts where someone was attacked. I hope no one feels I've done that. That was never my intention.
> 
> I've found, as one gal wisely pointed out, there are some situations you can't get out of, and it's safest to keep a low profile and don't fight back-because it will get worse.
> 
> ...


Sometimes we need to learn to look out and not in....when we reach out to help someone else we stop looking in and start looking out.


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## DorothyLWM (May 8, 2011)

bethltheisen said:


> DorothyLWM said:
> 
> 
> > I don't remember seeing posts where someone was attacked. I hope no one feels I've done that. That was never my intention.
> ...


?


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## 5mmdpns (Jun 1, 2011)

It means we put the needs of those who need our help and ask them what we need. We stop looking at ourselves and see what they really need. In other words, listen to what the other person is really saying. At times we can draw on our own experiences to guide us, and at other times we need to leave our own stuff behind as we extend a helping hand to others. This should be the guideline for us all.


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## DorothyLWM (May 8, 2011)

5mmdpns said:


> It means we put the needs of those who need our help and ask them what we need. We stop looking at ourselves and see what they really need. In other words, listen to what the other person is really saying. At times we can draw on our own experiences to guide us, and at other times we need to leave our own stuff behind as we extend a helping hand to others. This should be the guideline for us all.


I understand what it means. What I wondered is: since you add that to my latest note, are you telling me that I'm the one who needs to learn this?


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## 5mmdpns (Jun 1, 2011)

DorothyLWM said:


> 5mmdpns said:
> 
> 
> > It means we put the needs of those who need our help and ask them what we need. We stop looking at ourselves and see what they really need. In other words, listen to what the other person is really saying. At times we can draw on our own experiences to guide us, and at other times we need to leave our own stuff behind as we extend a helping hand to others. This should be the guideline for us all.
> ...


I was speaking to everyone, including myself. Please read my last statement in that answer. I was answering your "?" that you posted about it.


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## silvercharms (Mar 29, 2011)

Someone has already PMed me with the same fear, that it was something they said. Not so, and I myself have had the same worry over other complaints.

Really there is a problem with the anonymity that the forum seems to require. Not only does it enable the bully, but sheds doubt on innocent others.

I think, and I've said so before, that the answer lies with ourselves. This is OUR forum, and WE should decide the tone, bearing in mind that some of us are plainer-speaking than others without meaning any harm, and some are VERY polite! This where a 'stop and think' or PM might clear it up, and neither person need feel wrong.

But there are others who are downright and deliberately rude, who love to stir up a row and watch us all blame each other.
There are others with their private agenda, who view the world through a permanent red mist, and will 'misunderstand' because it gives them a platform for airing these views, sometimes very offensively. They can seem very credible to people who haven't read the whole post. Again, they enjoy turning us against each other - the plain-speaker v. the very polite!

We shouldn't fight each other on these trivial grounds.
We should fight against the malicious and wrong-headed. 
Ignoring just might work, as might a brief dismissive comment - 'Don't worry about this, she loves to stir.'

But where you are seriously misrepresented I think all our friends and readers on KP should come to your aid, and complain to Admin. Admin can ignore 1 or 2 or 3, but they can't ignore 23!

Just for the record, in case anyone else worries, the bad treatment I received, over a very trivial computer error (not even mine!) was in the thread on Quakers, of all things!



Thank you all for your sympathy, it has made a great difference


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## DorothyLWM (May 8, 2011)

To Silvercharms: Good post! : ) and &#9829;


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## nhauf001 (Jan 18, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> Any thoughts or comments? Thank you for reading.


I'm only a few months behind you in age. Maybe it is the age. I am finally beginning to do what pleases me instead of everyone else. When kids were at home, it seemed like it was all about them (and it was a lot of the time).

But I agree. I'm comfortable with who I am. And if that bothers some social circles, I'll find my own, thanks, and we'll both enjoy the company we keep more.


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## Heartigan (Aug 29, 2011)

The old adage; 'Sticks and Stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me" is So Very False" As this thread is now on page fifteen, we can see how words hurt as much as actions. Whether these words were intentional, or misunderstood, unintentional or heard through the mist of anger, danger, frustration, pain or loss words do hurt. But words can heal too! and that is a good thing! Love, Hugs, Congratulations, Well Done, Well Said, Beutiful, Wonderful, Smile, Happy! Make your own lists of words that uplift, heal, soothe, or caress someone's feelings, We will all live in a better place. As you knit or crochet today make each stitch with a different good word in your mind, and I can imagine the quality of your project will please you and in the end, really that's what it is all about, After all knitting crocheting and other fibre arts are fun.


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## Heartigan (Aug 29, 2011)

PS I really can spell just can't type! Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful! LOL


Heartigan said:


> The old adage; 'Sticks and Stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me" is So Very False" As this thread is now on page fifteen, we can see how words hurt as much as actions. Whether these words were intentional, or misunderstood, unintentional or heard through the mist of anger, danger, frustration, pain or loss words do hurt. But words can heal too! and that is a good thing! Love, Hugs, Congratulations, Well Done, Well Said, Beutiful, Wonderful, Smile, Happy! Make your own lists of words that uplift, heal, soothe, or caress someone's feelings, We will all live in a better place. As you knit or crochet today make each stitch with a different good word in your mind, and I can imagine the quality of your project will please you and in the end, really that's what it is all about, After all knitting crocheting and other fibre arts are fun.


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## DebNannyMom (Oct 10, 2011)

This has been an interesting thread. Where IS the like button?
God does not create mistakes and gives each of us special gifts to offer others. I enjoy finding those special gifts in others I meet.
I am quite unique. Some say I am about as nutty as they come. Halleujah! My signature Scripture is: "And Sarah said God has made me laugh so that all who hear me will laugh with me."
My poor husband often has to wear a paper bag over his head due to my outspokeness.
Please rejoice in your own special self. Be kind to yourself and to others. Share where and when you can in what ever way you can for you never know when you entertain an angel.


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## BGL (Feb 16, 2011)

I used to be pretty comfortable in my own skin (all of it, and there's lots of it, as I have always been "fluffy"), until the cancers hit. Now waiting for the surgeon appointment to see when the next problem is to be dealt with, hopefully the 20th. Self-confidence? None right now, but I think I can put on a pretty good face, if nobody asks me how I am. That, I can't handle now.
I hope and pray that this can be fully removed surgically, and that it hasn't spread to uncontrollable areas. Chemo doesn't work on my kind of cancer, and radiation has a 50% cnance of spreading it. 
So how do I handle life? Go on as normal, and try not to offend those who matter to me. 
The rest? They might be having a bad day, too, so I try to cut them some slack, and wish them Merry Christmas. Deep down, we all need others, there aren't enough caves for all of us to live in them, alone and angry at the world. 
Love the ones who matter, tell them they matter to you, and smile as much as you can. Friends, strangers, makes little difference. We all need that, and we never know what burden others are carrying.
Thanks to all of you who have answered this thread, you are an inspiration to me!


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## Sharney (Oct 2, 2011)

silvercharms said:


> I thank goodness I cut myself off from brothers and SILS who always looked down on me.
> That feeling is great!
> Not so good when you jump from the frying pan into the proverbial.... but at least I am better prepared to deal with the difficulties of a bad marriage. There are many consolations to be found, in Nature, in crafts, in learning to be yourself, in reading and so on.
> But last week when I was wrongly and virulently attacked on the forum, and let down by another person I'd very diligently tried to help, again, through the forum, and found no help from anyone, including those at home, I really felt bad.
> People who are already dealing with heavy burdens will feel things like this more strongly


I hope it wasn't I that let your down. If so, I apologise. Just remember that you are a princess of royal birth, the daughter of a King and puff your chest out and stick your chin up and don't let it get to you. I remember a time in my life when I felt that I had prickly spines sticking out all over my skin and it didn't take much to get them all vibrating and irritating me to the point of insanity. Let me assure you that this, too, shall pass. It did for me and will for you, too. Hang in there.


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## bethltheisen (Nov 18, 2011)

and when someone says something unkind put it in a little imaginary gift box and send it off on the wind, blow it out of your life and think the good words the other lady said.


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## jangail719 (Mar 1, 2011)

One more comment about worrying about what others think of us... I read once that 65% of people are busy worrying about themselves and their affairs and are too busy to worry about me and my affairs.


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## bethltheisen (Nov 18, 2011)

HEAR HEAR!!


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## heatherh (Feb 2, 2011)

Some Great Advice Here, my friends.
Heather


Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old. This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!!

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Change the way you think.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month..
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. Release your children when they become adults, its their life now
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay cheque.
10. When it comes for chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
16. Take a deep breath It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Just because you believe you are right, doesn't mean you are. Keep an open mind.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30.. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. Your job is to love your children, not choose who they should love.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield...
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'. 

I'm in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose.


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## Hazel Blumberg - McKee (Sep 9, 2011)

BGL said:


> I used to be pretty comfortable in my own skin (all of it, and there's lots of it, as I have always been "fluffy"), until the cancers hit. Now waiting for the surgeon appointment to see when the next problem is to be dealt with, hopefully the 20th. Self-confidence? None right now, but I think I can put on a pretty good face, if nobody asks me how I am. That, I can't handle now.
> I hope and pray that this can be fully removed surgically, and that it hasn't spread to uncontrollable areas. Chemo doesn't work on my kind of cancer, and radiation has a 50% cnance of spreading it.
> So how do I handle life? Go on as normal, and try not to offend those who matter to me.
> The rest? They might be having a bad day, too, so I try to cut them some slack, and wish them Merry Christmas. Deep down, we all need others, there aren't enough caves for all of us to live in them, alone and angry at the world.
> ...


I wish I knew what to say, other than that I hope your cancer can be stopped. You'll be in my thoughts.

Hazel


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## Gwen Webster (Nov 1, 2011)

For BGL: Sweet heart, my thoughts will be with you into the new year.At which time, I hope we all hear from you and that things are going well.
I have been on this side watching too many times and know what is on your mind. Think with a full heart and let all the love coming your way from all who have been following your path, fill you with strength and peace. Love and Best wishes to you Gwen


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## DorothyLWM (May 8, 2011)

Gwen Webster said:


> For BGL: Sweet heart, my thoughts will be with you into the new year.At which time, I hope we all hear from you and that things are going well.
> I have been on this side watching too many times and know what is on your mind. Think with a full heart and let all the love coming your way from all who have been following your path, fill you with strength and peace. Love and Best wishes to you Gwen


Amen. That goes for me, too. I can't improve on this comment, so I'll just say Amen.


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## Heartigan (Aug 29, 2011)

DorothyLWM said:


> Gwen Webster said:
> 
> 
> > For BGL: Sweet heart, my thoughts will be with you into the new year.At which time, I hope we all hear from you and that things are going well.
> ...


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## glnwhi (Jan 19, 2011)

I'll add my AMEN to the others and say that you are in my prayers. Hugs,Glenda


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## Designer1234 (Aug 9, 2011)

me too! Shirley


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## kidatheart (Oct 15, 2011)

I really enjoyed reading all the comments. I am 56 and still holding firm to my beliefs after all these years. After a certain age the years start to catch up and we have to take stock of what and who really matters in our life. But still every once and a while someone pushes my buttons and I get hurt feelings. Sometimes when I'm unhappy with my husband I will pull out of my 35+ year inventory with him and get mad all over again about something that happened many years ago.
We do eventually forgive but we never forget.


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## shula (Feb 20, 2011)

Lilysmom567 said:


> After reading a few of the postings on hurt feelings, and one regarding someones unkind DIL...I started to think about how unkind words affect us. I really feel that now that I am way over 50 (58 in January)...that a lot of these things bother me less and less. By the time I was in my middle 40's I started to really "like" myself more. I stopped worrying about what "other people" thought, like I did when I was young. It takes time...I think...to really develop into "who we are" and who we want to be. It doesn't happen all at once, and every yesterday becomes part of who we are today. We develop a confidence in our self that can't be shaken by someone's unkind words.
> Any thoughts or comments? Thank you for reading.


of course we all want to be liked, I think that is just normal. When unkind words are thrown at us it can be disheartening regardless of how confident we are with ourselves. The important thing to remember is not to hold onto negative words. Feel comfortable in who you are and always remember to not send words of unkindness to others.
shula


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## DebNannyMom (Oct 10, 2011)

BGL- God bless you. I think of Corrie ten Boom, the concentration camp survivor who thanked God for the fleas. The fleas were so bad that the guards left them alone and they were able to hold Bible class. Corrie's sister died in the camp, but Corrie never lost her faith in God no matter the struggles. She always found something to thank Him for.
When I was told I would be a quadriplegic with my degenerative disc disease and subsequent cervical disc surgeries with one sticking to the spinal cord and later requiring a skin graft on the cord and having a stroke on the table--God had other plans for me; praise Him. I have problems. But I am not paralyzed.
Cancer is a definite challenge. It has treatment that can be as difficult as the disease. Here is a hope and prayer you go through with success.


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## Sharney (Oct 2, 2011)

BGL said:


> I used to be pretty comfortable in my own skin (all of it, and there's lots of it, as I have always been "fluffy"), until the cancers hit. Now waiting for the surgeon appointment to see when the next problem is to be dealt with, hopefully the 20th. Self-confidence? None right now, but I think I can put on a pretty good face, if nobody asks me how I am. That, I can't handle now.
> I hope and pray that this can be fully removed surgically, and that it hasn't spread to uncontrollable areas. Chemo doesn't work on my kind of cancer, and radiation has a 50% cnance of spreading it.
> So how do I handle life? Go on as normal, and try not to offend those who matter to me.
> The rest? They might be having a bad day, too, so I try to cut them some slack, and wish them Merry Christmas. Deep down, we all need others, there aren't enough caves for all of us to live in them, alone and angry at the world.
> ...


BGL, I have been where you are. Look at this post and know that you have people all over the world praying for you and taking you to their hearts. We are all in your corner.


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## kneonknitter (Feb 10, 2011)

Sharney said:


> BGL said:
> 
> 
> > I used to be pretty comfortable in my own skin (all of it, and there's lots of it, as I have always been "fluffy"), until the cancers hit. Now waiting for the surgeon appointment to see when the next problem is to be dealt with, hopefully the 20th. Self-confidence? None right now, but I think I can put on a pretty good face, if nobody asks me how I am. That, I can't handle now.
> ...


My prayers for your good health are being said. Keep us posted.


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## BGL (Feb 16, 2011)

Thank you, all of you, for your good thoughts and prayers. They are appreciated!!
It is just so tough right now, knowing it is there, but not knowing how it is going to be dealt with, or what the odds are of it having spread to other organs or to the bone next to it. Sure makes it hard to reply when someone greets me in public - my normal answer is "Fat & Sassy", and I am still using that - no further explanations needed or given. 
I am comforted by all of you, and by my extended family and good friends who know about it. So much love has been sent my way, I feel I am depriving someone else of their fair share! 
Thank you all again,
Barbara


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## julie windham (Feb 21, 2011)

Even non-Christians know that prayer works, and remember throughout your day that prayers are being send up for you all over the world. So glad that you are on this forum for us to love.


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## jjane139 (Mar 16, 2011)

To BGL: Not the right belief about love! Love is the exact opposite of money: The more it is divided and shared, the more there is of it! No one is being deprived of love because it is being lavished upon you. There is more than enough to go around...and around...and around.


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## Fidget (Sep 3, 2011)

I'll be 60 this January, and no, I no longer care what other people think. We all want to be liked, I guess, but eventually we learn that our true self is either good enough, or it's not. Oh well! Happy birthday, if I don't "talk" to you in January.


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## boncamp (Mar 11, 2011)

BGL, don't worry there is no shortage of love to go around. I think your capacity to love and care grows the more you reach out to others with love and care. You have a strong sisterhood praying many prayers for your health. 
This thread has been amazing in the number of responses and the varying ways we all deal with problems.


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## hilary (Apr 5, 2011)

Its all been said..... and my thoughts and prayers go with you too. Hugs xxxxx.


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## silvercharms (Mar 29, 2011)

BGL I'll be thinking of you and looking out for a heartening reply soon. Keep fat and Sassy!


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## Gwen Webster (Nov 1, 2011)

My dear: Love given is not depleted it merely grows! so you deprive no one. You allow all of us to merely increase what we have to offer. Gwen


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## Lilysmom567 (Nov 8, 2011)

BGL said:


> Thank you, all of you, for your good thoughts and prayers. They are appreciated!!
> It is just so tough right now, knowing it is there, but not knowing how it is going to be dealt with, or what the odds are of it having spread to other organs or to the bone next to it. Sure makes it hard to reply when someone greets me in public - my normal answer is "Fat & Sassy", and I am still using that - no further explanations needed or given.
> I am comforted by all of you, and by my extended family and good friends who know about it. So much love has been sent my way, I feel I am depriving someone else of their fair share!
> Thank you all again,
> Barbara


BGL...you aren't depriving anyone of their fair share...there is lots of love and friendship to go around. We'll all be praying, and holding you in our thoughts and our hearts....Eileen


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## janayoga (Jul 13, 2011)

DebNannyMom said:


> BGL- God bless you. I think of Corrie ten Boom, the concentration camp survivor who thanked God for the fleas. The fleas were so bad that the guards left them alone and they were able to hold Bible class. Corrie's sister died in the camp, but Corrie never lost her faith in God no matter the struggles. She always found something to thank Him for.
> When I was told I would be a quadriplegic with my degenerative disc disease and subsequent cervical disc surgeries with one sticking to the spinal cord and later requiring a skin graft on the cord and having a stroke on the table--God had other plans for me; praise Him. I have problems. But I am not paralyzed.
> Cancer is a definite challenge. It has treatment that can be as difficult as the disease. Here is a hope and prayer you go through with success.


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## Silverstreak (Oct 14, 2011)

Onestitch said:


> I'm going to be 65 in a few months and have just in the last few months decided that I LIKE me as I am and if others don't I'm sorry, they just don't recognize quality ! LOL !
> 
> Being raised in the deep south to be a "lady"; being raised in a foster home where I had to please everyone and then being married to a very controlling man, I've spent a lot of years trying to make others like me for me ! To compound the whole issue I worked for many years for a large corporation that were "Christian" oriented and again you had to be the perfect shining example of what they thought their employees should be.....wonder I didn't lose my everloving mind....wait, maybe I did !
> 
> ...


Hi Onestitch - you speak the truth so clearly that I had to write an "Amen" to it. I've spent my entire career working for corporations and I see what it's done to me, both positive and negative. I am aging (very gracefully, I might say) and am OK with all of it! My friends and I lived through 9/11/01 way too close and personally, and that really made a difference in our perspective, so enough said there... Be at peace with yourself and you will be a gift to others.

By the way, your daughter IS getting a name brand gift - and it's your brand! I'm betting that it's a really good one, too.

Happy Holidays to all
MMC


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## Silverstreak (Oct 14, 2011)

Gwen Webster said:


> My dear: Love given is not depleted it merely grows! so you deprive no one. You allow all of us to merely increase what we have to offer. Gwen


Well said and another "Amen".

MMC


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## Carlyta (Mar 23, 2011)

I agree. A good friend of my mother's told me that when you turn 40 you learn to say "no" to what you really don't want to do and not feel guilty about it. She was correct. Like they say "With age comes wisdom." I can say no without worrying about hurting someone's feelings. Of course, I cannot say no to my 2 daughters and especially my 2 grandkids. Have a good week. :lol:


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## JohnnyG (Nov 23, 2011)

Well, I'm much younger (_I_ won't be 58 until February), but I too, care less and less about what others think, but, I am concerned more and more about how others feel. I try a lot more to avoid hurting others' feelings, but I care less whether they like me or not. I find, though, that I try to avoid doing stuff for which my Aunt Joann would take me to task. She's the only one left whose disapproval I actively avoid. And my wife, but she's used to me  So I knit and crochet. I'm also a ham radio operator and a gun owner. And I hold the door open for men and women alike.

I think you have your head on straight.

Happy Christmas!


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## cherrae53 (Nov 22, 2011)

I agree with all of you. I've been thru too many controlling situations in my life that taught me I was worthless. Now I find that I no longer believe those lies because I know I am more than that. I like me (for the most part) and what I don't like I can change. Thanks for sharing everyone. Helps all of us to know we aren't so different from others.


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## saintxmom (Aug 1, 2011)

I agree, I am 57 and don't worry about others as far as what I really like to do - for me!


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## Dsynr (Jun 3, 2011)

AMEN!


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## Dsynr (Jun 3, 2011)

leoanne said:


> In your 20's you worry about what people think of you.
> In your 30's you don't care what other people think of you.
> In your 40'2 you realize people weren't thinking about you at all!!


 AAAAHHHHMEN!
Most people are so worried about their own image, they couldn't care less about yours. I say try to think how somebody else will feel about what U say before U open your big mouth. Don't let hateful people make you bitter and hateful. If you let other people steal your joy in life, you deserve to lose it. If dancing in the rain makes U happy and hurts no one, dance in the rain. If knitting makes U happy, knit. Period.


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## Carlyta (Mar 23, 2011)

I totally agree. :thumbup:


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## PauletteB (Mar 10, 2011)

BGL, from one that has a simular situation, I can tell you it is not easy. Mine was breast cancer, caught in the early stage and was treated with radiation therapy. It really does not matter the stage the fear initially is all the same. My words to you would be this. Keep a positive attitude and follow through on your appointments. Speak positively and pray daily. My thing was that God had not brought me to something that he would not carry me through. I am 4 years cancer free and to God be the glory. The most important thing in going through is to always keep positive conversation no matter what is said to you. I pray for your healing and for a spirit of peace to be with you.


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## saintxmom (Aug 1, 2011)

I went through that 5 years ago also. It is such a scary place to be, and you feel so alone. God and my parish got me through it - along with my husband and sons! I pray for you to have peace - and keep knitting - it helped me tremendously!


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## shula (Feb 20, 2011)

BGL said:


> Thank you, all of you, for your good thoughts and prayers. They are appreciated!!
> It is just so tough right now, knowing it is there, but not knowing how it is going to be dealt with, or what the odds are of it having spread to other organs or to the bone next to it. Sure makes it hard to reply when someone greets me in public - my normal answer is "Fat & Sassy", and I am still using that - no further explanations needed or given.
> I am comforted by all of you, and by my extended family and good friends who know about it. So much love has been sent my way, I feel I am depriving someone else of their fair share!
> Thank you all again,
> Barbara


we are all cheering you on and with so many of us that is a guarantee.
shula


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## Ranger371 (Oct 29, 2011)

Love multiplies!! Praying for you


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## lindaknits (Mar 18, 2011)

nanacari said:


> And at 70, you just don't give a damm


I have a little magnet on my fridge that says:

"I used to care, but now I take a pill for that!"

I do care about a lot things, but not what other people think of me because at my age (67) I have come to realize that "they" don't think about me!

And I did enjoy comments on this topic.


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## shula (Feb 20, 2011)

lindaknits said:


> nanacari said:
> 
> 
> > And at 70, you just don't give a damm
> ...


that is rather a sad statement as we here at this site care about you. As far as being "at peace with oneself" of course that is probably the most important thing, but usually when that occurs there are others who see you as a caring and important human being too I care.
shula


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## soc (Apr 21, 2011)

you are a beautiful 58 year old woman. actually you are a beautiful woman, period. and the beauty is within as well, you ARE a knitter...


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