# Knitting Jokes



## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

A piece of yarn walks into a bar and orders a beer, but the bartender snarls, "We don't serve your kind here!". The yarn is forced to leave. 

While sitting on the curb feeling sorry for himself, the yarn is suddenly hit with a brilliant idea. Working quickly, he ties himself into a knot and unravels his ends. Taking a deep breath, the yarn marches back into the bar and orders a beer. 

"Hey!" says the bartender. "Ain't you that piece of yarn I just threw outta here?" 

"Nope," replies the yarn, "I'm a frayed knot."


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

How do knitters travel? 

By cable car!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Why did the hog farmer give up knitting? 

He didn't want to cast his purls before swine!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Why did the sheep avoid going to bars? 

She didn't like being carded!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

How did the knitter knit a suit of armor?

She used steel wool


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Knitting and driving 
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. 
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window...... 
"Pullover"!! 
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. 
The priest asked Who created the Earth and man?" 
The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, GOD! 
The Priest looked at him and said, That's right. 
Then he asked Who is God's son? 
Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, Jesus Christ! 
Again, the priest said, Correct. 
Finally, the priest asked, What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children? 
The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off! 
The priest smiled and said, That's right.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

The moment of absolute horror...

When you realize you forgot to bring your knitting!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Another one!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Another


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Another


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

LOL


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Love it!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

LOL


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

So sad....


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

WOW


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

True?


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

LOL


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

I really like this one!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

LOL!!!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

??


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

LOL


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## SilverWeb (Aug 20, 2011)

Love them - keep them coming!


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## knittingcanuk (Nov 12, 2012)

ROFLMAO!


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## BiDDi (Dec 21, 2012)

Oh Yes OH Yes!! Laughing to myself. Now back to knitting. Thank-you for your painstaking research. :lol:


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## vayankee (May 5, 2011)

Those are great! :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## iShirl (Jun 30, 2012)

~


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## Glo54 (Aug 29, 2012)

Enjoyed all of them and the kitty.


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## kiwiannie (Jul 30, 2011)

:thumbup: :thumbup:


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## mgrsis01 (Nov 7, 2011)

Funny!


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## nitnurse (May 20, 2012)

missyern2 said:


> A piece of yarn walks into a bar and orders a beer, but the bartender snarls, "We don't serve your kind here!". The yarn is forced to leave.
> 
> While sitting on the curb feeling sorry for himself, the yarn is suddenly hit with a brilliant idea. Working quickly, he ties himself into a knot and unravels his ends. Taking a deep breath, the yarn marches back into the bar and orders a beer.
> 
> ...


I have heard this joke a while back, but the piece of yarn was a piece of string and there were three of them. The first two getting thrown out for being a piece of string and the last piece doing the frayed knot thing!


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## nissa (Jan 5, 2013)

Lol. Their really good jokes thank you.


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## Keeweegirl (Oct 3, 2012)

Very good!!


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## wjeanc (Nov 15, 2012)

LOL, thanks for giving me all the smiles this morning. Made my day.

I especially like the golf one.


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## linda09 (Dec 21, 2011)

Please, STOP!!!! My ribs ache.


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## maybelle01 (Jan 2, 2012)

What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? 

A wooly jumper.


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## yooperdooper (Jan 3, 2013)

ty for the morning laugh


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## Emell (Apr 30, 2011)

Thanks for starting my day off in the best way possible - a good laugh. :thumbup:


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## Windbeam (Jul 31, 2011)

Funny, love the hold on cartoon!


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## Oldhenwife (Nov 4, 2012)

missyern2 said:


> Why did the sheep avoid going to bars?
> 
> She didn't like being carded!


I don't understand that, will someone explain it please?


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## Oldhenwife (Nov 4, 2012)

Oh - and I do know what carding is, we do it manually and with a drum in this house.


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## Emell (Apr 30, 2011)

Oldhenwife said:


> missyern2 said:
> 
> 
> > Why did the sheep avoid going to bars?
> ...


Proof that someone who wants to drink is of legal age.


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## Oldhenwife (Nov 4, 2012)

missyern2 said:


> How did the knitter knit a suit of armor?
> 
> She used steel wool


That's not at all out of the way. 'Knitted' so-called chain mail is still seen at re-enactments. It's done with grey cotton and looks abominable.

But not for long.

And it's not chain mail, it's simply mail, a mail coat for instance.


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## Oldhenwife (Nov 4, 2012)

Emell said:


> Oldhenwife said:
> 
> 
> > missyern2 said:
> ...


How?


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## leo56 (Oct 29, 2012)

Being carded is showing your ID, driving licenses, etc. to prove your legal to drink alcohol. The bartender and the bar/resteraunt could loose thir license to serve drinks.I'm not sure but I guess the sheep's wool is carded after they are shorn, not a country girl.


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## Emell (Apr 30, 2011)

Oldhenwife said:


> Emell said:
> 
> 
> > Oldhenwife said:
> ...


Driver's license or other document that shows date of birth.


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## Emell (Apr 30, 2011)

Whoops, just saw leo56's reply. Much more comprehensive.


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## Oldhenwife (Nov 4, 2012)

leo56 said:


> Being carded is showing your ID, driving licenses, etc. to prove your legal to drink alcohol. ..


Oh I see, thanks. It's not called carding in UK - as far as I know.


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## regencylover (Sep 27, 2012)

Sheep's wool is carded before being spun into yarn.


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## regencylover (Sep 27, 2012)

Thanks for a cheerful start to my day. Luckily I am the first one in the office or else people would be coming with the strait jacket I was laughing so hard.


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## Donnaj65 (Sep 26, 2012)

They are all really good.


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## Ronique (Jan 5, 2013)

Thanks for the good dose of tonic! Really had a good laugh.


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## silvercharms (Mar 29, 2011)

Enjoyed all the jokes, missylem, thanks for the laugh and all that posting!!

Also the cute 'laughing' kitty photo ..

(It reminds me of HennaLadyKim's avatar, the singing kitty - anyone heard from her lately?)


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## Bombshellknits (Feb 2, 2013)

You are hysterical!!


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## scottishlass (Jul 12, 2012)

Double wow great one liners and jokes LOve it ................


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## Grandma M (Nov 18, 2011)

Oldhenwife said:


> Emell said:
> 
> 
> > Oldhenwife said:
> ...


Show Photo ID with bd on it


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## Grandma M (Nov 18, 2011)

Have had a good laugh this morning.Keep it coming.


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## MissMelba (Jun 9, 2012)

Thanks for the chuckles. The cat on the chair with the blue yarn reminds me of the night my husband came to bed and said 'the cats got your yarn'. They not only got a WIP but they also got the skein and discovered the benefit of center pull. And no, my husband did not stop them so they had the whole night to wreak havoc :::big sigh:::


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## Oldhenwife (Nov 4, 2012)

Grandma M said:


> Oldhenwife said:
> 
> 
> > Emell said:
> ...


Yes, someone else explained it but thanks. I asked Spouse if it meant anything to him, while we were having lunch just now. He wondered if it were being banned from a nightclub, akin to being showed a coloured card in football, but he didn't know.

It's just a difference in our use of language.


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## Grandma11 (Jan 21, 2012)

Those are great!


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## JAMEYALSO (Nov 28, 2012)

Love it Quirky Mykind of humor


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## Nelly 58 (Oct 30, 2012)

All really good. Where did you find so many knitting jokes?


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## headlemk (Feb 16, 2011)

Oldhenwife said:


> missyern2 said:
> 
> 
> > Why did the sheep avoid going to bars?
> ...


In the USA, when you want an alcoholic beverage they ask for your ID card for proof of age. It's called "being carded".


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## SheerahAurora (Nov 24, 2012)

hehe tnx for sharing!! xx


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## VikingPrincess (Jan 31, 2013)

Thank you for the laughs today. I needed that!


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## Suo (Jul 25, 2011)

Very, very cute!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

"Really, all you need to become a good knitter are wool, needles, hands, and slightly below-average intelligence. Of course, superior intelligence, such as yours and mine, is an advantage." ~Elizabeth Zimmerman


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## Suo (Jul 25, 2011)

missyern2 said:


> A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting.
> The priest asked Who created the Earth and man?"
> The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, GOD!
> The Priest looked at him and said, That's right.
> ...


This one truly make me LOL. Reminds me of a woman I worked, whose last name was More, told me how her youngest brother got his name. After having 4 children in five years, her mother found out she was pregnant again. When the baby, a boy, was born, she immediately named him Noah without even consulting her husband. He asked her why Noah. Without blinking an eye, her response "Noah More".


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

This is hilarious!

This one truly make me LOL. Reminds me of a woman I worked, whose last name was More, told me how her youngest brother got his name. After having 4 children in five years, her mother found out she was pregnant again. When the baby, a boy, was born, she immediately named him Noah without even consulting her husband. He asked her why Noah. Without blinking an eye, her response "Noah More".[/quote]


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## Oldhenwife (Nov 4, 2012)

missyern2 said:


> .


My eyesight must be faulty, I can't see an asterisk.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

I REALLY like this one!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## angelus (Jun 15, 2012)

How do knitters get into Heaven? Thru the "purly" gates.


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## angelus (Jun 15, 2012)

How do knitters get into Heaven? Thru the "purly" gates.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

angelus said:


> How do knitters get into Heaven? Thru the "purly" gates.


lol


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Got just a little carried away with the pattern!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## judyr (Feb 20, 2011)

My goodness you have been busy - but I had a good laugh at all of them. You are something else, but we will keep you.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## shelindo (Jul 1, 2011)

Thanks for the smiles!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

.


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## Janeway (Nov 22, 2011)

All are too cute thanks for the laugh of the day!


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## Janeway (Nov 22, 2011)

missyern2 said:


> .


Would love this for Avatar or laughing kitty, but don't know how to put it in my Avatar so please help.


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## silvercharms (Mar 29, 2011)

Have saved the wool in cupboard one - just what I always say 
'Right colour, wrong weight' and 'Why did I ever..' and 'Forever saving' Planned for my avatar

Please say you have more....


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## gmarie (Feb 8, 2012)

missyern2 said:


> LOL


This is my DH and me! :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Cje (Aug 10, 2012)

I love the jokes! Just makes the day start off on a good foot! Cje


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## purplelady (Aug 23, 2012)

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!
QUOTING TEEGER..


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## purplelady (Aug 23, 2012)

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!
QUOTING TEEGER..


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## Gundi2 (May 25, 2012)

Thanks for the fun.


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## sandimac (Feb 11, 2011)

missyern2 said:


> A piece of yarn walks into a bar and orders a beer, but the bartender snarls, "We don't serve your kind here!". The yarn is forced to leave.
> 
> While sitting on the curb feeling sorry for himself, the yarn is suddenly hit with a brilliant idea. Working quickly, he ties himself into a knot and unravels his ends. Taking a deep breath, the yarn marches back into the bar and orders a beer.
> 
> ...


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## Zinzin (Oct 17, 2012)

Thank you for taking the trouble to post all the humorous jokes etc. It sure does brighten my day.


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## momeee (Mar 22, 2011)

All so funny and cute. Will be sharing them with my needlework group. Also I'm posting the knitting song. Hope you can access it.

Knitting Song

This is hilarious!

http://texicanwife.blogspot.com/search/label/The%20Knitting%20Song

sorry - the above link didn't work . Try this http://theknittingneedleandthedamagedone.blogspot.com/2013/01/a-hurtin-knittin-country-song.html


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## jmf6406 (Dec 13, 2012)

These are great. Must forward to others!


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## Johnna (Mar 27, 2011)

Love your jokes!


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## SFCMommy (Dec 14, 2011)

Oh, I'm rolling on the floor with laughter! These are SO funny! Of course, these jokes/cartoons are funny only if you're a dedicated knitter!!! Is there a book on knitting humor?


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## Redhatchris (Apr 21, 2012)

THANK YOU!!!! WONDERFUL, I LOVED 'EM ALL.


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## Lutie2 (Aug 24, 2011)

LOL


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## breeze075 (May 12, 2012)

Thank you for taking the time to post these....they're terrific!!!!


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## run4fittness (May 22, 2011)

enough! no, not really! very funny and can always use a good belly laugh!

thanks a bunch!


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## RachelL (Dec 18, 2011)

missyern2 said:


> This is hilarious!
> 
> This one truly make me LOL. Reminds me of a woman I worked, whose last name was More, told me how her youngest brother got his name. After having 4 children in five years, her mother found out she was pregnant again. When the baby, a boy, was born, she immediately named him Noah without even consulting her husband. He asked her why Noah. Without blinking an eye, her response "Noah More".


[/quote]

Reminded me of an oldie but a goody. 
A celebrity was being interviewed by a journalist. 
J: What was your childhood like?
C: Wonderful, lots of kids to play with.
J: Do you come from a large family?
C: Yes, 18 children.
J: Did your parents have so many children because they loved children?
C: No. It was because my mother was deaf.
J: I'm sorry; I don't understand how being deaf would result in having lots of children.
C: Well, every night before bedtime, my father would ask my mother if she wanted to go to sleep or what, and being deaf she always said "What?"


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## Mrs. Mac (Feb 10, 2011)

I love this quote! having read some of Elizabeth's written description of how she makes certain things, before the actual pattern, there is no doubt of her high level of intelligence, and creativity.



missyern2 said:


> "Really, all you need to become a good knitter are wool, needles, hands, and slightly below-average intelligence. Of course, superior intelligence, such as yours and mine, is an advantage." ~Elizabeth Zimmerman


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## chrisheskin (Dec 8, 2012)

missyern2 said:


> .


Please stop . . . I haven't time to knit cos I'm reading your funnies. :lol: :-D


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## tinykneecaps (Dec 6, 2012)

What a posting. Thanks for all your research for these very funny knitting/crocheting jokes. I have saved some for future use in my emails to friends who think I've gone off the deep end getting back into this hobby after 25 years and at my age. Turning 80 in May and feeling 50 again.


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## miko (Feb 23, 2011)

I saved some of these too. I thought I was the only one that never has enough yarn. LOL The yarngasm cracked me up.


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## miko (Feb 23, 2011)

LOL FUNNY VIDEO I didn't knit that for you. I had to share that on FB.


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## Bobglory (Jul 30, 2012)

Hilarious!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## purplelady (Aug 23, 2012)

the old woman sitting on the huge yarn ball is just hilarousss,,,
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all... great,,


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## Daniele1969 (Aug 12, 2011)

missyern2 said:


> I really like this one!


The one about 2 sticks and 2 eyes...

Does this one come I a tshirt?! I WANT ONE!!


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## Daniele1969 (Aug 12, 2011)

It DOES come in a tshirt!!

http://www.cafepress.com.au/mf/8929112/dont-mess-with-a-woman-who-knits_tshirt

Nevermind.... I'm in America and Cafe Press is in Australia.... Oh well.


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## janetj54 (Mar 12, 2011)

There are great love them all!


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## 9ewes (Sep 10, 2012)

Oh these are so funny and so much fun. Thank You


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## AmyClaire (Jun 3, 2011)

Go ahead and flame me, this is tasteless and hurtful:

Three pregnant women are waiting in the doctor's office waiting room for an prenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for their babies.

Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.

"What was that?" the other two ask, curiously.

"Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby," she replies, patting her stomach affectionately.

Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting.

5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.

"What was that?" the other two inquire.

"Vitamin tablet," she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby," she replies, and she pats her stomach affectionately.

All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting.

5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.

"What was that?" ask the other two.

"Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves."


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## Gram9 (Aug 7, 2012)

Thanks for the laughs everyone!!!!!!


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## headlemk (Feb 16, 2011)

AmyClaire said:


> Go ahead and flame me, this is tasteless and hurtful:
> 
> ................


You are right....blecch :shock:


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## Yarntherapy (Apr 3, 2012)

MissMelba said:


> Thanks for the chuckles. The cat on the chair with the blue yarn reminds me of the night my husband came to bed and said 'the cats got your yarn'. They not only got a WIP but they also got the skein and discovered the benefit of center pull. And no, my husband did not stop them so they had the whole night to wreak havoc :::big sigh:::


If your cat is anything like my Siamese then a mere man is not going to stop it. We are having an issue with mine sleeping on the top of a wood fireplace (don't want her to scratch it with claws). We have removed all things she can jump off of such as the coffee table and place a variety of things on top (vases, buckets of wool etc) so she does not have the room to jump up or sit. Today we left her a 6" square at the back of the piece and she still managed to jump up and worm around everything without moving anything. I am sure she is really Houdini re-incarnated. She woke up from a quick nap when we walked though this morning and meowed so we would not miss her where she is not supposed to be. The game is still afoot.


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## regencylover (Sep 27, 2012)

There is a cafe Press in the USA. I have ordered from them.


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## dwilhelm (Dec 29, 2011)

Too true~


missyern2 said:


> True?


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## LunaDragon (Sep 8, 2012)

lol


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## felix (Jul 13, 2011)

I think these are terrific....i see you are new to this site....you are going to be a great addition...i especially love the cat hat>>


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## ginger c (Apr 8, 2012)

Love these jokes. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## ashblondie (Dec 18, 2011)

missyern2 said:


> So sad....


Love 'em, love 'em, love 'em!! Thanks for sharing.


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## ashblondie (Dec 18, 2011)

missyern2 said:


> I REALLY like this one!


I want one of those buttons


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## Janie Brockett 40 (Feb 1, 2013)

Absolutely fantastic and funny!!!!!! Keep them coming!


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## josephinemiller (Jul 12, 2012)

I loved all of them, they are so true. I also loved the laughing cat.


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## Sarah Jo (Nov 6, 2011)

Love the jokes. Thank you very much for sharing.  :lol: :wink: :thumbup:


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## BobnDejasMom (Jun 2, 2011)

silvercharms said:


> Enjoyed all the jokes, missylem, thanks for the laugh and all that posting!!
> 
> Also the cute 'laughing' kitty photo ..
> 
> (It reminds me of HennaLadyKim's avatar, the singing kitty - anyone heard from her lately?)


A few weeks ago. She and her kitty had moved. That reminds me, I should give her a "howdy" and find out how she's doing.


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## ksfsimkins (Jan 18, 2013)

As a spinner I can explain this one: Before you can spin any fiber you have to use Cards which are like like large combs for detangling the fibers. This action is called CARDING. And humans are CARDED at bars and other establishments where you show your ID so they can tell if you are underage or not for that venue. Confused yet?
I really love the sheep humor: We used to raise sheep.


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## ksfsimkins (Jan 18, 2013)

The name of the knitting song is CAST ON BABY. It is on You Tube or you can go to the link you listed and then check the site for Cast On Baby. It is great!


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## Oldhenwife (Nov 4, 2012)

AmyClaire said:


> Go ahead and flame me, this is tasteless and hurtful:
> 
> "Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves."


I first heard something very similar to that from a thalidomide 'victim', years ago. She said it was armless fun ...


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## regencylover (Sep 27, 2012)

If your cat is anything like my Siamese then a mere man is not going to stop it. We are having an issue with mine sleeping on the top of a wood fireplace (don't want her to scratch it with claws). We have removed all things she can jump off of such as the coffee table and place a variety of things on top (vases, buckets of wool etc) so she does not have the room to jump up or sit. Today we left her a 6" square at the back of the piece and she still managed to jump up and worm around everything without moving anything. I am sure she is really Houdini re-incarnated. She woke up from a quick nap when we walked though this morning and meowed so we would not miss her where she is not supposed to be. The game is still afoot.[/quote]

WE had a Siamese cat when we had to stay woth my M-I-L once. There was a big mirror over her mantle. M-I-L also kept a vase and some candles on the mantle piece.
The cat jumped up on to the mantle-- thinking it was a wide open space because of the reflection in the mirror-- banged her head on the mirror, flailed around a moment , disoriented, and knoocked the vase and candle stick to the floor where the vase broke.
I had to laugh which did not endear me to my M-I-L. That cat was so funny when she ran into the mirror.
This same cat defected to East Berlin . We were in an apartment near the wall, when she ran out the door . We never found her again so have to believe she defected . 
The wall dividing east and west Berlin was close enough for us to see the man in the guard towers with machine guns.


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## knitwitconnie (Jan 3, 2012)

love the jokes!


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## cabbagehome (Dec 23, 2011)

missyern2 said:


> The moment of absolute horror...
> 
> When you realize you forgot to bring your knitting!


Yup! That's me.


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## cabbagehome (Dec 23, 2011)

iShirl said:


> ~


Love the cat.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

That is hilarious!


regencylover said:


> If your cat is anything like my Siamese then a mere man is not going to stop it. We are having an issue with mine sleeping on the top of a wood fireplace (don't want her to scratch it with claws). We have removed all things she can jump off of such as the coffee table and place a variety of things on top (vases, buckets of wool etc) so she does not have the room to jump up or sit. Today we left her a 6" square at the back of the piece and she still managed to jump up and worm around everything without moving anything. I am sure she is really Houdini re-incarnated. She woke up from a quick nap when we walked though this morning and meowed so we would not miss her where she is not supposed to be. The game is still afoot.


WE had a Siamese cat when we had to stay woth my M-I-L once. There was a big mirror over her mantle. M-I-L also kept a vase and some candles on the mantle piece.
The cat jumped up on to the mantle-- thinking it was a wide open space because of the reflection in the mirror-- banged her head on the mirror, flailed around a moment , disoriented, and knoocked the vase and candle stick to the floor where the vase broke.
I had to laugh which did not endear me to my M-I-L. That cat was so funny when she ran into the mirror.
This same cat defected to East Berlin . We were in an apartment near the wall, when she ran out the door . We never found her again so have to believe she defected . 
The wall dividing east and west Berlin was close enough for us to see the man in the guard towers with machine guns.[/quote]


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Thank you! Really nice group!



ginger c said:


> Love these jokes. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

This clock knits a scarf in a years time!


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## Oldhenwife (Nov 4, 2012)

missyern2 said:


>


That would be lovely done in gold yarn.

Where are my knitpicks ...


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Really cute idea!!!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

This is a cake!!!!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Another cake!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

LOL - can picture this in a garden!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Oh dear!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Love the look on kitty's face!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Is it possible to have too much yarn? LOL...silly question!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

This is too funny! See the knitting coming out right over his head!!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Something wrong with this picture!
Caption was "No more frozen chicken!"


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Snow sculpture


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

LOL


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

I'm thinking of Charlie Brown and Lucy with this one.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Nice!


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## regencylover (Sep 27, 2012)

missyern2 said:


>


WOW!


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## caroleliz (Sep 28, 2011)

Love the jokes. Keep them coming :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## artsyist (Jan 11, 2013)

:lol: 
Thank you for brightening my day-woke up mad at the world and your jokes sure cheered me up!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

I'm so glad!



artsyist said:


> :lol:
> Thank you for brightening my day-woke up mad at the world and your jokes sure cheered me up!


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## Suo (Jul 25, 2011)

missyern2 said:


>


This one in particular is just great!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Uh Oh!


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## silvercharms (Mar 29, 2011)

missyern - you should publish these, if possible! But copyright would make it impossible, I suppose..... such a pity.
Let's hope you have still more...


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## miko (Feb 23, 2011)

I saw this one yesterday on Facebook and saved it.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:shock:


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## BobnDejasMom (Jun 2, 2011)

That traveler's yarn reference is wonderful. I need to adapt that to a Thrift Shop advisory for my best friend.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:lol:


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## RachelL (Dec 18, 2011)

Haven't had so many 'laugh out louds' in a long time. What a lift to my spirit this post has been. Thank you so much.


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## Sarah Jo (Nov 6, 2011)

Oldhenwife said:


> Grandma M said:
> 
> 
> > Oldhenwife said:
> ...


Someone once told me that when you can understand jokes in another country you know you understand the language. In the USA we have so much slang that its difficult to understand a lot of jokes. :wink:   :thumbup:


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## JAMEYALSO (Nov 28, 2012)

I am trying to figure out how to put pics on line. Remember I am 93 andit takes me awhile to work things out lol


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:lol:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:roll:


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## silvercharms (Mar 29, 2011)

Oh, Dog, I wouldn't like to be in your paws when cat sees this. Maybe you'd better get off-side for a while....


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:mrgreen:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:lol:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:!:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:mrgreen:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:lol:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## silvercharms (Mar 29, 2011)

Instead of publishing them (fraught with problems) could you possibly have a corner of KP to save them to? Like a permanent thread, or somesuch. Do, PLEASE, ask Admin about this.
Hate to think of all these jokes just disappearing into the ether......


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

What a great idea! I'll send a note asking about that.


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## JoAnn12 (Feb 21, 2012)

Love your knitting jokes. Its snowing and blowing out and I sure needed a good laugh. Thank you.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

silvercharms said:


> Instead of publishing them (fraught with problems) could you possibly have a corner of KP to save them to? Like a permanent thread, or somesuch. Do, PLEASE, ask Admin about this.
> Hate to think of all these jokes just disappearing into the ether......


Sent a note to Admin. Hopefully there is a way to do just that!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

JoAnn12 said:


> Love your knitting jokes. Its snowing and blowing out and I sure needed a good laugh. Thank you.


I'm glad it brightened your day! I'm so grateful we are not having snow down here. It would be so hard to work in the clay if it were!


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## Edith M (Aug 10, 2011)

Thanks! I needed that. While winter in Pa is not near as bad as in other places, at 83 years old it just seems too long. It began to snow about an hour ago so I closed all the drapes and turned to KP for comfort. AND FOUND IT!


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## JoAnn12 (Feb 21, 2012)

Yesterday it was wind and blowing snow. Today its -40 wind chill. Good day to stay inside and work on my knitting project. Spring can't come soon enough.


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## Oldhenwife (Nov 4, 2012)

It's glorious here - although a wee bit chilly.

No, damn cold, but invigorating.

Too invigorating for me so while Spouse is out flying I mixed a Simnel cake for Mothering Sunday. And licked out the bowl ... well if he's out enjoying himself I can stay in and do it. Already had an hour of knitting.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:shock:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-o


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:mrgreen:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-D


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## wi-shepherdess (Feb 20, 2013)

Aaah, they all made my day. But THIS sheep one is my favorite and really had me bust out laughing. I used to have a sheep that looked just like this ewe. Thanks for posting these. :thumbup:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:?


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:shock:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

What does a pirate knit with?
Yaaaarrrrrrrn!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Q. How many sheep does it take to knit a sweater? 

A. I didnt even know they could knit!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

How do knitters send messages to each other?
By CABLE!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-D


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:shock:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

An old lady walked into a butcher's shop and shouted at the butcher. 
"That leg of lamb you sold me last week, shrunk by six inches when I cooked it"

"That's funny" said the butcher "My missis knitted me a jumper, and when she washed it, it shrunk by six inches"

"Must have been from the same sheep"


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

What do you get if you put a sheep on a trampoline?

A woolly jumper!!!


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## tryalot (Apr 29, 2012)

Liked most of them, but the first was best.
Don't like the grubby jokes and certainly didn't like the ones laughing at Thalidomide victims


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## silvercharms (Mar 29, 2011)

I love the shrinking sheep one - such a pity you can't have a special corner for these, missyern, but still we can access them whenever we want by going to 'Watched'

I don't believe you can still keep 'em coming!!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

silvercharms said:


> I love the shrinking sheep one - such a pity you can't have a special corner for these, missyern, but still we can access them whenever we want by going to 'Watched'
> 
> I don't believe you can still keep 'em coming!!


I'm hoping I can keep finding them!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:shock:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-o


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

;-)


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:!:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:idea:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:wink:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:lol:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-D


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-D


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-D


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## silvercharms (Mar 29, 2011)

AND they're still getting better...!!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?
They both drop their needles.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-o


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:mrgreen:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:?


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Local police hunting the 'knitting-needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

A grandmother sat on her porch knitting three socks when someone walked by and asked, Why are you knitting three socks?
The grandmother replied, Because my grandson said hes grown a foot since joining the Army.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

A woman walks into a yarn store and asks for a length of wool yarn. The shopkeeper asks,"How long do you need it?" The lady, new to the hobby of crochet, thought it over, then responded, "I guess I'll need it for a pretty long time. I'm going to make a sweater!"


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

How can you tell when you've had too much coffee?
When you've just finished knitting your third sweater in a week, and you don't even know *how* to knit!!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

What happens if you dip a blue skein of yarn and a gray hook into the Red Sea?
They get wet!


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## Edith M (Aug 10, 2011)

The stupedest joke gets the biggest laugh!!!!


missyern2 said:


> What happens if you dip a blue skein of yarn and a gray hook into the Red Sea?
> They get wet!


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## Sharon SA (Jul 18, 2012)

missyern2 said:


> Local police hunting the 'knitting-needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


Sorry I missed this topic and have now read through ALLLLL these jokes and feel soooo much better

Sharon SA


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:mrgreen:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-o


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:shock:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:shock:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:shock:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late? Your spinning me a yarn here!


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## Deidra1066 (Dec 17, 2012)

I loved these jokes! They made rotflol! So funny they brightened my night so much! Thank you!


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## christine4321 (Jun 10, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Deidra1066 said:


> I loved these jokes! They made rotflol! So funny they brightened my night so much! Thank you!


I'm glad!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Great Yarn Bomb


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

I hope you will all humor me here. I love the photos I'm finding of yarn bombing. Since I find it humorous I hope you do as well.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-D


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-D


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:lol:


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## Edith M (Aug 10, 2011)

Love the bathroom but not sure about the sink. And the phone booth is just great.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:mrgreen:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:shock:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:?:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## Oldhenwife (Nov 4, 2012)

... and people here criticised the huge yarn stash knitting!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

LOL


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## regencylover (Sep 27, 2012)

The girl with the balloons is rather clever.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:shock:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-o


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-o


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

;-)


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:mrgreen:


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## Edith M (Aug 10, 2011)

WOW!!!!


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-D


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## headlemk (Feb 16, 2011)

I know some knitters and crocheters think yarn bombing is a huge waste of fiber...however, do they think that an artist's paintings are a huge waste of paint? I wish everyone could appreciate the work and artistry that goes into any piece of art....no matter what the medium.

This former art teacher is off her soap box now.


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## Deidra1066 (Dec 17, 2012)

These are absolutely amazing!!! The work that went into those yarn bombs wow! They look so awesome.


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## regencylover (Sep 27, 2012)

I can not even conceive of how they thought of this or how they did it.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

I know this has nothing to do with knitting but I thought it was hilarious!

EVERYONE NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH. HAVE A GOOD DAY!!!!!

Two little old ladies, Connie & Evalyn were sitting on a park bench outside the 
local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Connie, 
leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For 
$10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower 
show!'

'You're on!' saidEvalyn, holding up a $10.00 bill.

So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, 
streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. 

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, 
followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smilingConnie came 
through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

'What happened?' askedEvalyn.

'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement.. !'

Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh 
uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile !


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## purplelady (Aug 23, 2012)

That is my kind of humor!!!! made my chuckle aloud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bets


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, Mommy, I have to pee.

The mother said to the little boy, Its not appropriate to say the word pee in church. So, from now on whenever you have to pee just tell me that you have to whisper.

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, Daddy, I have to whisper.

The father looked at him and said, Okay, just whisper in my ear.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

When the graveside service had no more than terminated,
there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by
a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there and it is His problem now."


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why
did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn
so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new
business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars inside.

When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."

The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. I did, however,
throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that."

"I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying thecasket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.

One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful,wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?".

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the undertaker through her tears....

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name. After paying all of the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left. 

The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" 

The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And, of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

The widow replied, "Three carats."


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

Funny Tombstones
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.


In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no
place to go.


On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The
Good Die Young.


In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767


In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And
the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.


In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me
for not rising.


In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.


In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.


A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.


John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.


In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went
out of tune.


Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,
Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.


On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,
Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God


In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing
on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent ..
Until I know which way you went.


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-D


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-D


----------



## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-D


----------



## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-D


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

"WARNING: The constant rubbing of two sticks together may produce fire. If this occurs, you need more yarn!"


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## purplelady (Aug 23, 2012)

the red mittens are cool.
a;so liked the car a few days ago.

this ,, the humor,
car?
good colorss, not hodge podge.


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## headlemk (Feb 16, 2011)

"I told you I was sick!"



missyern2 said:


> Funny Tombstones
> Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
> 
> Born 1903--Died 1942.
> ...


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:shock:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:mrgreen:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:-D


----------



## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




----------



## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




----------



## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)

:lol:


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## missyern2 (Dec 17, 2012)




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## siouxann (Mar 5, 2011)

missyern2 said:


> This is a cake!!!!


This is just too cute! I'm sending it to my daughter as a not-so-subtle-hint for my next birthday, or Mothers' Day, or Groundhog Day, or best of all, for tomorrow!!


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## wjeanc (Nov 15, 2012)

missyern2 said:


> LOL


Love that one.


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## ceefive (Dec 11, 2013)

LOL! Read every bit from page 1! Thanks to all contributors!


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## margaretjab (Aug 1, 2012)

Loved all of these.


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## JanetLove2Knit (Sep 18, 2013)

So great!!!


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