# The Death of a Knitter



## yover8

White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:

1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)

The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse. 

So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


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## yourmother306

I think he's jealous of your hobby


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## kiwiannie

What a controling son of a gun your husband is,i wouldn't give up my hobbies,i', sure he won't give up his hobbies for you. :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown:


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## smontero237

And your thinking of giving up knitting? Sounds like he is a big baby. I guess that is why I am divorced.


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## Urith

Don't give it up, he'll have won. I have a H like that, I will not give it up, I've learned to shut him off, and just go on my merry way, Knitting!


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## In Memory of Scottybear

I'm afraid I wouldn't give up my hobby without a fight. Sorry but he sounds like a control freak.


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## chrshnsen

If you enjoy knitting, DO NOT give it up. Train him. He can learn to tolerate your hobbies. He married you as you are, so stay as you are. Just don't bother to make anything for him.


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## MzKnitCro

Sorry to hear about your troubles. I hope you don't quit.


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## Jessica-Jean

No. Do not raise the white flag! If you can't or won't ditch the heartless man, then just tell him it's cheaper than psychotherapy ... and that maybe _he_ should begin seeing a shrink!

I sympathise with you, but really do not think that you should throw in the towel. You are being bullied, as much as a 16-year-old girl who lets some brainless hunk dictate to her what clothes she wears, where she goes, who she sees. However, you are more experienced that any teenager. You *are* _able_ to stand up for yourself. Please, do so.


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## pb54116

What were you thinking when you said "I do"? Have someone with you for protection when you tell your "relatively new" spouse that if he really loves you, he wouldn't expect you to give up one thing you love (knitting) for another thing you love (him). He sounds like a controlling, selfish you-know-what.


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## ladysjk

I was, the key word is was, married to a man like this. My hobbies were a waste of my time, yet he played video games. My friends only used me for what they could get, yet I had to force him to get off his lazy butt and get a job, or there would be nothing for him to eat etc, My family hated him therefore I could not see them, that was not true at the point he said it..if we went to the store, or anywhere I couldn't look at anyone of the opposite sex or I was flirting...lots more..that marriage last less than 2 yrs. Did I give up my hobbies, friends, family or vision..Heck no...I gave him up. I think I would have killed him if not for my hobbies, this is emotional, and mental abuse..you are who you are, don't try to change that or you will become bitter, and hateful. If he loved you enough to marry you the way you are, then why is he trying to change you?? You are still the woman he knew and loved. This needs some serious discussion between the two of you with no accusations, or fault finding. Just a good ole fashion conversations about what is REALLY bothering him, what the REAL problem with you is...Good luck


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## bobctwn65

urrr i hate controling men...glad i am a widow


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## Jessica-Jean

ladysjk said:


> I was, the key word is was, married to a man like this. My hobbies were a waste of my time, yet he played video games. My friends only used me for what they could get, yet I had to force him to get off his lazy butt and get a job, or there would be nothing for him to eat etc, My family hated him therefore I could not see them, that was not true at the point he said it..if we went to the store, or anywhere I couldn't look at anyone of the opposite sex or I was flirting...lots more..that marriage last less than 2 yrs. Did I give up my hobbies, friends, family or vision..Heck no...I gave him up. I think I would have killed him if not for my hobbies, this is emotional, and mental abuse..you are who you are, don't try to change that or you will become bitter, and hateful. If he loved you enough to marry you the way you are, then why is he trying to change you?? You are still the woman he knew and loved. This needs some serious discussion between the two of you with no accusations, or fault finding. Just a good ole fashion conversations about what is REALLY bothering him, what the REAL problem with you is...Good luck


 :thumbup: Not what the real problem with _you_ is, but what the real problem is with the *relationship*.


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## no1girl

shame on you...he has to go.................far far away.

I am not kidding. no food for him fr the next week.

he is very lucky he does not live with me!


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## gagesmom

I really do hope that you do not give up your knitting for him. It is a part of who you are and he should get over it.


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## jmcret05

My solution:


1. Get a pair of metal ones --hell appreciate the wood.
2. No knitting in public if he is along. Go without him.
3. No knitting with company. Ask relatives to please speak English because you are listening not knitting.
4. Hide all of them you are not currently working on.
5. Point out that a lot of knitters are just trying to keep the mind working and sharper and it keeps you younger
6. OK, you can cut back on that one -- a little
7. Stash them with the projects, out of sight
8. Clean up the stash by giving away to some worthy cause all of the odds and ends and organize the rest . You could put them in vacuum-sealed bags and they will look like less.
9. Buy less and spend more per project.
10. Take a walk together and give him some me-time, especially at a time he wants to rest. Put down the knitting and ask him to do something with you until he crys uncle.
11. Dont make him anything--thats anything. Point out how much you save on gifts.
12. Turn on the ballgame, fight, whatever he likes to watch and knit away.

By all means, keep those needles going and tell him it keeps you sane and its better than being out looking for a divorce lawyer.


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## gagesmom

jmcret05 said:


> My solution:
> 
> 1. Get a pair of metal ones --hell appreciate the wood.
> 2. No knitting in public if he is along. Go without him.
> 3. No knitting with company. Ask relatives to please speak English because you are listening not knitting.
> 4. Hide all of them you are not currently working on.
> 5. Point out that a lot of knitters are just trying to keep the mind working and sharper and it keeps you younger
> 6. OK, you can cut back on that one -- a little
> 7. Stash them with the projects, out of sight
> 8. Clean up the stash by giving away to some worthy cause all of the odds and ends and organize the rest . You could put them in vacuum-sealed bags and they will look like less.
> 9. Buy less and spend more per project.
> 10. Take a walk together and give him some me-time, especially at a time he wants to rest. Put down the knitting and ask him to do something with you until he crys uncle.
> 11. Dont make him anything--thats anything. Point out how much you save on gifts.
> 12. Turn on the ballgame, fight, whatever he likes to watch and knit away.
> 
> By all means, keep those needles going and tell him it keeps you sane and its better than being out looking for a divorce lawyer.


Ya, what she said :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## AmyKnits

I have a husband that has a similar list of complaints. I don't think he is controlling or abusive. He just doesn't "get it". No matter how much time I spend trying to explain, I just don't think he will ever understand my love of knitting.

He complains about the money I spend... although we can well afford it.

He complains that I am not spending "time" with him.... even though I am sitting right next to him, watching the game or the TV show with him. I don't get HIM... if I was reading, (I always read excessively before I found knitting) I would be spending LESS quality time with him as he is just watching TV anyhow and I cannot read and watch at the same time. Makes NO sense.

I have always been a hyperactive person. Knitting is the ONLY time I have been able to sit still for more than a minute. WHY on earth wouldn't he want me to knit? He has been asking me to sit with him for the past 20 years! Now he has me sitting and isn't happy that I am knitting!

He complains when I take my knitting out in public....sometimes we have to wait in line or sit in doctor's offices, etc. Would you be embarassed if I was reading a magazine or book or doing a crossword puzzle?!

He says "You could be spending that time better". On what... the house is clean, the laundry is done, dinner is prepped for tomorrow..... AND..... YOU said YOU wanted me to sit with you while you watch TV!

I haven't quite figured it out yet.... he is very proud of the items I make, yet he "picks" on me for knitting all the time.

I thought it COULD possibly be jealousy.. that I have a hobby that I love and enjoy. We have hobbies that we enjoy together, (exercising, biking, yoga, golf, skiing) but this one is mine alone. He doesn't have a hobby of HIS own and I am encouraging him to cook as he is a "health nut" and is very interested in nutrition. I could be wrong about the jealousy, but I am hoping the new cookware I bought him for Christmas will spark some culinary creativity. LOL

I guess that the bottom line is that I do it for the enjoyment, the challenge and the "thought" that goes into my gifts (since I give all my knitting away). This is no reason for me to quit knitting. I will just keep TRYING to explain until he gets it. That might be never, but he loves me and it is just his way to complain.... I guess. I still don't really understand.

Anyhow..... do ANY men make sense?!


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## insanitynz

surely you are not going to give in to him he sounds like a spoilt little kid who if you don't give him your full attention he throws a paddy

sorry to say it but if he was mine he would be told to pull his head in or pack his bag that is not love. how can you say you love someone when you don't allow them to do what gives them pleasure


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## Homeshppr

I would hope that this issue could be resolved through compromise if it's something that means a lot to you. You don't seem too upset to let your knitting go, but you shouldn't have to give in if it hurts to do so. 

I like Amy Knits' perspective on the same issue. I'm sure this is a rather common issue among couples, and I'd hope others could reach that middle ground where both parties could be at peace with a compromise.


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## no1girl

some men have issues..............some men never grow up.

thank heaven mine is terrific and helpful with anything I do,


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## Karen Liebengood

Wow he sounds like a bully. Keep on knitting, we all need a release and something we do just for ourselves!


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## Glennis

Oh he needs a hobby urgently..Tell him to find something of interest. Maybe woodwork in the back shed with his own TV.in there too LOL....
You need your hobby as well. Do not give up something that you love doing & is your therapy..
Good Luck. I am sure you can work something out that suits you both. Ask him to think about a hobby for himself.
I am very lucky, my husband supports my knitting. He loves to see what I am making from a ball of yarn...he is fasinated by it all.


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## peachy51

Hmmm ... haven't read all the replies ... BUT if it were me? I would toss the husband the keep the knitting! :mrgreen:


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## Dianeks2

Instead of repeating everything that everyone else has already said, I am just going to say "Ditto!"

Please do not give in to his mostly inappropriate and irrational complaints. You need to continue to take care of yourself emotionally in order to not giving in and hurting him with your pointy sticks.

I am taking a guess but I believe that you are not surprised at the responses, and I believe that you needed to hear them because listening to him was making you unsure. 

Ok that was more than just "ditto", but you have the support of many of the knitters here and I hope that you can let that in.

Diane


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## Grannybaba

scottybearNSW said:


> I'm afraid I wouldn't give up my hobby without a fight. Sorry but he sounds like a control freak.


Hear, hear, definitely! Am actually lost for words that men like that still think they have the right to say things like that to their wives...or anyone for that matter. Feel most angry on your behalf!!!


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## Cathryn 2ed

If I were you I would pack it all away. Don't give it away until you are sure he won't be sorry when he has a wife with nothing better to do than bitch at him about all his faults.


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## Jessica-Jean

Cathryn 2ed said:


> If I were you I would pack it all away. Don't give it away until you are sure he won't be sorry when he has a wife with nothing better to do than bitch at him about all his faults.


I imagine that once you _do_ begin to "bitch at him about all his faults", he'll wonder what in Hades happened to change you so! With any luck, he'll realize that your knitting was shielding him from your rants and re-supply you with needles and yarn!


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## juliacraftylady666

What century is this? Okay pack away the wool and shower him with attention,like every minute you can,ask lots of questions,sit next to him and talk talk talk.
Fill all his complaints and every minute you can with youre prescence,he wont last long!!!!!
Otherwise fire him,controlling sod!


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## Clickers

He needs to grow up.


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## Valjean

I know what I would be giving away and it's not my wool! Or neddles!!! Life is to short to put up with that treatment.


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## Valjean

AmyKnits said:


> I have a husband that has a similar list of complaints. I don't think he is controlling or abusive. He just doesn't "get it". No matter how much time I spend trying to explain, I just don't think he will ever understand my love of knitting.
> 
> He complains about the money I spend... although we can well afford it.
> 
> He complains that I am not spending "time" with him.... even though I am sitting right next to him, watching the game or the TV show with him. I don't get HIM... if I was reading, (I always read excessively before I found knitting) I would be spending LESS quality time with him as he is just watching TV anyhow and I cannot read and watch at the same time. Makes NO sense.
> 
> I have always been a hyperactive person. Knitting is the ONLY time I have been able to sit still for more than a minute. WHY on earth wouldn't he want me to knit? He has been asking me to sit with him for the past 20 years! Now he has me sitting and isn't happy that I am knitting!
> 
> He complains when I take my knitting out in public....sometimes we have to wait in line or sit in doctor's offices, etc. Would you be embarassed if I was reading a magazine or book or doing a crossword puzzle?!
> 
> He says "You could be spending that time better". On what... the house is clean, the laundry is done, dinner is prepped for tomorrow..... AND..... YOU said YOU wanted me to sit with you while you watch TV!
> 
> I haven't quite figured it out yet.... he is very proud of the items I make, yet he "picks" on me for knitting all the time.
> 
> I thought it COULD possibly be jealousy.. that I have a hobby that I love and enjoy. We have hobbies that we enjoy together, (exercising, biking, yoga, golf, skiing) but this one is mine alone. He doesn't have a hobby of HIS own and I am encouraging him to cook as he is a "health nut" and is very interested in nutrition. I could be wrong about the jealousy, but I am hoping the new cookware I bought him for Christmas will spark some culinary creativity. LOL
> 
> I guess that the bottom line is that I do it for the enjoyment, the challenge and the "thought" that goes into my gifts (since I give all my knitting away). This is no reason for me to quit knitting. I will just keep TRYING to explain until he gets it. That might be never, but he loves me and it is just his way to complain.... I guess. I still don't really understand.
> 
> Anyhow..... do ANY men make sense?!


To your last question NO.!!!!


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## shanni

Keep the stash, and warn him that he can always be traded in on a new model, I have large tubs of stash (7), books, patterns, projects etc everywhere and my DH doesn't comment, the only thing he has said is that he doesn't need any more pullovers because he's run out of room to store them so I just knit for other family & friends


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## no1girl

I suggest (INSIST) that he reads all these posts about his miserable little life!


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## bettyirene

I know exactly how you feel! My hubby is also "unhappy" with me knitting all the time, and complains that there "is rubbish" lying around (my WIP)...so I told him too bad - you do what you like, and I'll do what I like - take it or leave it (and me)...so far so good - not "many" complaints any more.


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## Granalou

Seems like you should change your title to "Death of a Marriage". There is no changing a selfish, lazy, verbally abusive person like that.


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## Donnathomp

good Heavens! that is sad. but don't give up on a marriage for it. Try to compromise. Knitting while you have company really could be considered a bit rude unless everyone is knitting. This may sound old school but talking it out in a heart to heart is the best way to solve problems. but for goodness sake! Don't give up knitting. As Jessica-Jean said, it's cheaper than psychotherapy . Bonne chance.


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## Qiangel

You need to feel that you can be yourself ... give up knitting and what will be the next demand?

I hope you find a way out of this bullying ...


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## Sharon SA

I think he is jealous of the joy and satisfaction that you get from you knitting. Please carry on and don't let him win by "destroying" you. 

Sharon SA


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## mileysmum

do not give up, if you do you will be miserable and he will only find something else to complain about, those sort always do. stand your ground. we are all b ehind you. good luck, chrisxx


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## marilynann

He's a spoilt and selfish child and needs sending to naughty step/room! On a serious note if you give in on this what will be next, why not suggest one night out a week together; where you're not knitting and he's not moaning!


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## nitnurse

Does your hubbie not have any hobbies that you consider to be a waste of time? No games on the computer? No mindless tv viewing? How can he deny you a hobby that you find relaxing? Can you not negotiate one day per week where you will knit and if he does not like it - he goes out with his friends and leaves you in peace? How dare he turn his nose up at your knitted gifts? These and so many more questions! We all need something that is just for us and if you let him take that something away then he is being very controlling and the warning flags should be going up - just my opinion.


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## EileenED

I wouldnt take any notice I think you have two choices earplugs or poke him with your knitting needles :thumbup:


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## inishowen

He sounds like a bully. Maybe you should compromise a little by tidying everything out of sight, except the thing you are working on. I do this anyway, as I don't want the house to be full of storage bags etc., Then, knit mostly when you are alone, but still knit sometimes when he is around. If you dare, show him all our responses. He won't like it!


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## cydneyjo

Having tried out two husbands, reading this, I am so glad that I have only myself to answer to. No hiding yarn when I buy it. No making excuses for starting something new when I have a (many) WIPs. No apologizing for collecting sets of interchangeables. I make my own money and I spend my own money. Some boys never grow up.


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## vannavanna

You have a real whiner there, what a wuss.(spoiled brat) Either use ear plugs or show him the door but do NOT give up your hobby for your own sanity.


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## Janelise

12 complaints over one hobby from a "relatively new" spouse? As we say down under - he is a pain in the arse!!! I think you will understand from all the replies that HE is your problem - not your hobby. Get rid of him before his complaints seep through to every other aspect of your life. I don't see much happiness in your future with this whinger! (sorry - like others here: "been there, done that" - got rid of the 'B' and haven't regretted it for one moment)


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## Janelise

12 complaints over one hobby from a "relatively new" spouse? As we say down under - he is a pain in the arse!!! I think you will understand from all the replies that HE is your problem - not your hobby. Get rid of him before his complaints seep through to every other aspect of your life. I don't see much happiness in your future with this whinger! (sorry - like others here: "been there, done that" - got rid of the 'B' and haven't regretted it for one moment)


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## joannav

Donnathomp said:


> good Heavens! that is sad. but don't give up on a marriage for it. Try to compromise. Knitting while you have company really could be considered a bit rude unless everyone is knitting. This may sound old school but talking it out in a heart to heart is the best way to solve problems. but for goodness sake! Don't give up knitting. As Jessica-Jean said, it's cheaper than psychotherapy . Bonne chance.


Hey Donna-the family is speaking a language unfamiliar to YOUVER8-that is rude too !! Knitting is therapy on so many levels--physical, mental-(ie)math etc. and of course the peace of mind and heart !! Hubby needs to remember why his heart first fell for his lovely wife !! 
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE--don't give up -it would be the death of oneself -- I like the compromise comments--life always is a compromise when in a relationship !! take care !!


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## davidw1226

You alone know what your home situation is, but I think if I were in your shoes, I'd get some boxes, go to the kitchen and start boxing up all the pots and pans. When the husband asked why, I'd say:1. Cooking is too expensive; 2. There is too much clutter, the cupboards will be much tidier without them: 3. I am not available when I'm cooking; 4. It's rude to cook when company comes over; 5. It's too noisy with all that chopping; ....
Seriously, this man sounds very controlling. Don't give up. You are his wife, not his property. You will be in my prayers.


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## Abi_marsden

Give him up not knitting.tell him knitting was there befor you and it shall be there way after you.did he not fall in love with you that's all of you not just the bits he wants.


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## Qiangel

This has certainly got a reaction! So much sound advice too!


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## darowil

You say relatively new spouse. It takes a very long time to get used to each other. His relatives forget to speak English in front of you- this tells me that maybe he comes from a different cultural background which means different expectations of what a wife will do. He can't be expected to change quickly. Compromise on both sides is needed, and for some people this is very difficult to do, especially if goes against cultural understandings of roles. Therefore I'm going to suggest be patient with him, don't stop knitting altogether, but choose your times and as you have a good stash only buy when you a project you need new yarn for such as a present for someone not just because you like it. Spend some time each day with him without needles in hand- clearly it gives the message that the needles mean more to you than he does. But don't give in totally as you also need to remain yourself and not a clone of what he expects from you. Let him know how important knitting is to you, but that he is more important. Is there anything that he does that you are trying to change? Maybe discussing how you can work togehter on the issues could help- but men most want to be respected so show him respect- while not becoming a doormat either. And if it comes to it and this is the only area he is controlling you in what is more important your marriage or your knitting? And only you can answer this. Marriage is very hard work and for well nigh everyone there are times when we wan tto get out. 
In my case the times I have most wanted to get out I have blamed DH but looking back I can see that I was as much at fault as him but just couldn't see it at the time. We are still together nearly 30 years later, but it has been very hard at times, and if I wasn't convinced that marriage is for life I don't know if I would have preservered, but now I am glad we have worked through the issues- and one of the issues was him wanting me to do what he considered 'right' such as what I listened to it had to be 'good' music. and still to this day as far as I can tell'good' music is what he likes; or read worth while books. I did this one for years but never really enjoyed much of what I read. But now I listen to and read what I want (normally when he is not around- the listening as he finds it very distracting to have any music on even stuff he likes) but he now puts up with the football and cricket on. So make some sacrifices for the sake of your marraige.
Note that I am not advocating staying if it really is mental abuse, but I don't think it is from the little you have said.


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## elsiemarley

Valjean said:


> I know what I would be giving away and it's not my wool! Or neddles!!! Life is to short to put up with that treatment.


Exactly my sentiments. If you are not willing to leave him -- go to a counselor, NOW! This kind of behavior ususally escalates. At this point it is emotional abuse -- it is not the way people should treat someone they love.

Take Joy,


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## Mee

Do Not give up knitting! You make over $80,000 which can set you up in a nice home and you can then find someone caring and loving - who loves you for who you are and what you do! Seems to me that you are allowing him to control your life by giving in. If this is what you want so be it but it will only get worse and if he sees that he can make you do what HE wants it will be all the time. 

He is a bully for sure and extremely rude. Why do they speak a language unfamilar to you? Because he is bullying you!!!
Keep your stash and throw out the jerk!!

Leave the whining fool and maybe his relatives will take care of him!


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## Jessica-Jean

EileenED said:


> I wouldnt take any notice I think you have two choices earplugs or poke him with your knitting needles :thumbup:


Thanks for the smile! :-D


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## inishowen

I was just thinking, if you make compromises, he must make some too, and maybe you can meet in the middle. Don't be a victim please.


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## margaret15

My husband was diagnose with prostate cancer 3 year ago, and was told he had 5 year to live, he has had treatment and hormone injections for the last 3 year and he has had 3 good results back, they now say providing it dose not come back he will live for another 25 yr,MY POINT IN TELLING YOU THIS IS ; my husband says the same, im making dolls clothes at the moment, but he just takes himself of onto the computer and surfs the net,if he wants to watch a movie that i dont i just sit quietly and knit,had this been 3 yr ago i would not have been knitting i would have been spending all my time with him, making sure every waking minute was precious, now i know i have him for a good few years more my needles came back out, why dont you teach your husband to knit, or just tell him its your hobby and deal with it,
men are sometimes so annoying.


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## vannavanna

Why make sacrifices? All those years being a wimp! Equality is the word. Plus, life can be bliss without a domineering other half.


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## eneurian

Donnathomp said:


> good Heavens! that is sad. but don't give up on a marriage for it. Try to compromise. Knitting while you have company really could be considered a bit rude unless everyone is knitting. This may sound old school but talking it out in a heart to heart is the best way to solve problems. but for goodness sake! Don't give up knitting. As Jessica-Jean said, it's cheaper than psychotherapy . Bonne chance.


that's not a marriage it's slavery. he does not own you! as you say he is a relatively new model if you still have the receipt perhaps you could return him for a refund. and buy more yarn.

yes it is scary but tis also better to be alone than abused and disrespected. it has been my experience that if you give up knitting for him it will soon be something else you must give up 'for him' until there is nothing left. not even your self.

don't cave he obviously isn't worth it!!!


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## molly'smum

I take it he feels as you are relatively newly weds he is missing out on your attention. Tell him to knit and unwind makes for a happy wife. Find out what he is interested in and encourage him to do that for an hour or so.Don't give up your hobby or supplies just have a rest from buying for a few weeks and see if that makes him any happier I feel he resents the money you spend.


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## margaret15

i like all these posts, but do you think it could be a new title for the knit one kill 2 books lol x


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## KaitlanBlackrose

He is a prick, in every since of the word. I am so glad my husband accepts all I do. I usually have for or five WIP and my loom worped up and he just walks around them. And really how much noise do knitting needles make. I don't ever hear mine click. What he really wants is the time you take knitting for yourself and lavish it on him to change his diaper or something. My grandmother, when my grandfather retired, told him between 9-5 he had to stay our of HER house so he build a shop and did woodwork. It worked. My husband found his own hobbies and that works for us to stay out of each others hair and we have stuff to sell on etsy or ebay. 

Tell him to get a life outside of the living room and to deal or throw his backside out.


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## vannavanna

Come on girls, let's tell him what for!! He doesn't stand a chance--Tee Hee I am loving all this.


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## Joyce19

I am afraid if you give into him over the knitting he will then move on to something else to complain about.

Is there any way you can compromise eg you mention knitting whilst his relatives are there (even if they are not speaking to you in English), if you promise you will not knit in their company (to save face - very important in some families) so long as you can knit when they are not there.

Good luck with whatever you end up doing.


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## grandmatimestwo

I have to admit I would be more than a bit concerned if my husband, or anyone else, tried to control my hobbies. I would be wondering what they would want to control next...my family, my friends, etc. That would be the flag for me, and it would be red, not white.


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## grannygrey

Your knitting is obviously your sanity - Don't Give It Up!!!


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## vannavanna

Agree, agree, agree!!!!!


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## greatgran21

Do not give up as you say you earn good money and it is your valuable hoppy valuable because you knit for your family that love what you make, just think what they will be missing if you give up,
maybe if you started picking at everything your hubby does he may see the point you are making.

good luck


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## Babette Accorti

People only do what you allow them to do. Get a pair of ear plugs. When he finds he is getting no response he'll go on to something else to complain about.


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## vannavanna

ps, I don't want my location to be in hiding---how do I install it please?


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## barbcarroll

Sounds like he isnlooking for attention and needs a friend or a hobby. he sounds very culture orientated


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## pamgillies1

Don't get mad get even. What does he like? Start to criticise everything he does, give it to him with both barrels.
DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR HOBBY for a SELFISH, SELF CENTRED MAN.


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## marycolleen

Years ago my husband complained about me reading too much and I almost gave it up....I didn't ....he learned to live with my reading, cross stitching, knitting, and about a dozen other hobbies.....don't give up what you love.


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## Yazzy

Please - don't give up your knitting. Once that is gone - what will he demand you give up next? You have rights too and doing something you enjoy is one of them. What if you demanded he give up watching TV - would he agree to that?
NO - don't do it!


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## Jessica-Jean

_My_ darling (41 years and counting) tried sometimes to control me. Still tries from time to time. He's Syrian; I'm American (no Arab blood in me). His background expects wives to do as told. Not all Americans accept that; I sure don't! My mother fully expected our union to fail; she even opened a joint bank account with me, so that I would have some ready access to cash when - not _if_ - I left him. It's outlasted her! Compromise and conversation - yes, plenty of both and some bending/changing on both our parts. The knitting has never stopped, nor have cats vanished permanently from our home.

By all means, vent here. Most of us are women, and - to judge by the responses - most of us have some experience with the opposite sex. We may or we may not have the answers you need, but we're a great collective anonymous sounding-board, and there is _always_ someone here.

Take care of yourself; you'll be no use to yourself _or_ him if you don't.


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## ole chook

I read this to my hubby, and he was shocked at your hubby's attitude, He needs to wise up, at least he knows where you are and can still socialize with you while you knit - heck you could be out on the town gambling or worse.


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## WelshWooly

I'm sorry for you, but if it was me the husband would go not the knitting.


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## Englishknitter

Do not give up knitting. Do not give your yarn and needles away. This happened to a friend of mine - she got rid of everything to make her man happy - he left her in the end and she is so depressed she cannot get back into knitting mode as he has killed the spark in her. Once the knitting has gone, he will find fault with other things - your cooking, your ironing skills, how you handle money, the way you talk, the way you breathe, your dress sense, your relatives, etc. This man is controlling you and I actually wonder if he has changed his mind about you. It is as if he does not love you at all now he is married. You need to tell him how you wrote it down for us to read though really you do not have to justify why you want this hobby. I am so sorry it has turned out like this but a lot of us have been through this. If you feel you need to go down the road of giving your yarn and needles away then give them to your best friend to keep for you as you will want them back in the future.


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## lindakaren12

Life is short. Live it with someone who respects and loves you as you are. You sound financially and mentally stable so.....


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## Mariaemarsh

He sounds like a real control freak to me he should go not your knitting !!!


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## swampygirl

OMG!! He is one selfish, controlling, jealous person.
I get the impression that if he can't have your attention 100% when he wants, and get his own way, he underminds and slags off your hobby because he has no control.
I wouldn't give up my knitting. He needs to learn everyone is entitled to relaxation and you find peace when you knit.
He needs to get a life and accept your hobby. You're not doing anything wrong.


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## pamgillies1

Vannavanna. Go to My Profile at the top of the page and click on it. You can change things there.
Pam


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## westieworld

It sounds like your husband is jealous of your hobby and is trying to bully/control you by making you have to defend yourself. Your hobby has not reached the point where it has taken over your home/life, so I'd suggest that you talk with your husband. Tell him how it makes you feel when he says such negative things or squashes your desire to express yourself in such a healthy way. You could be into so many things that are really problematic, he should be happy that your hobby brings you pleasure. And, if you're happy, he's likely to be the recipient of your happiness. If he doesn't like the things you make, don't make anything more for him. There are so many other people who appreciate the time and effort that goes into knitting. If you give up knitting because he has made you feel badly about doing something that you love, you will always resent him and it will drive a wedge between the two of you. If he really loves you, he will appreciate what you do and even encourage you. I really hope you don't let him bully you into putting down your knitting needles. Good luck


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## avalonpam

Noooo.... You will be far too miserable without your knitting think long and hard.
Blessings and hugs x


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## jditlin

If you quit knitting he will just find something else to complain about. He needs to get a life and find something to do in his free time. My DH complains until I start working on something for him and then he is ok with it for awhile. But part of his complaint is there are days that all I do is knit and then I have problems with my thumbs.


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## barbcarroll

Hsounds very controlling; and possibly his family is telling him how to "control" you Believe me, I know! I moved 1200 miles away and he followed me! This was after being seoarated for 5 years! He had walked out on us ( aminor child was involved ) and tried to ruin my credit and slander my reputation just so I couldn't survive without him! he was also a selfish, insecure mammas boy! stand your ground! Good Luck <3<3<3


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## LaurieK

This is not a knitting problem, it is a marriage problem!


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## 8 Furry Kids

what will he make you give up next?? think about that. This is just the beginning.


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## 8 Furry Kids

sounds like a great income, only hope you are "stashing" some for your future !!Seriously !


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## SandraM

I agree, a crabby control freak. I certainly would NOT give up knitting for him - no way.
One must have a hobby it keeps us sane, helps us relax no end.
He would not last a week with me he'd be out on his ear!
I have been happily married since 1966, and both of us have a hobby that we enjoy! 
Best of luck its your choice and life. xx


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## bjmoody

DO NOT QUIT KNITTING. He isn't going to give up what he loves so don't let him win....only person you have to deal with 24/7/365 is YOU


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## Jmklous

I was that 16 yr old girl 20 yrs ago and know exactly what you mean and it's so true


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## Betsiann

Your knitting is your salvation. DONT give it up. God Bless


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## Betsiann

Your knitting is your salvation. DONT give it up. God Bless


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## sandyP

vannavanna said:


> ps, I don't want my location to be in hiding---how do I install it please?


My profile at top of page, scroll down and edit your profile where it says location.


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## Lynda M Otvos

He sounds like my second husband-now ex. Control freak over every square inch of the house and the money. Maintain who you are throughout life no matter who you are in a relationship with, I learned that the hard way. This husband has remodeled the kitchen so I have a place to build quilts in our 542 sq ft house: that's the right husband for me !~!


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## Chainstitcher

davidw1226 said:


> You alone know what your home situation is, but I think if I were in your shoes, I'd get some boxes, go to the kitchen and start boxing up all the pots and pans. When the husband asked why, I'd say:1. Cooking is too expensive; 2. There is too much clutter, the cupboards will be much tidier without them: 3. I am not available when I'm cooking; 4. It's rude to cook when company comes over; 5. It's too noisy with all that chopping; ....
> Seriously, this man sounds very controlling. Don't give up. You are his wife, not his property. You will be in my prayers.


An inventive Hoosier solution, David! This thread was 6 pages long already when I received mine this morning! There are lots of excellent suggestions. I can't add a thing. I learned through experience that you can't save a marriage by giving up who you are one piece at a time.


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## taborhills

This marriage needs out side help. He shows the classic signs of the abusive husband/partner. The controlling behavior never satisfies an abusive husband, so it escalates. This is dangerous.

Be as reasonable as you can in asking him to go with you to counseling. Then if he won't go, go by yourself. You need help. I am serious. The patterns you describe can be dangerous. And start putting the money you have putting into yarn (and more) into a separate and secret bank account. And tell your pastor and/or a close friend what is going on. Not to whine, but to protect yourself.


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## hazelbut

Whoa there girl! Knitters never give up - they get even!!


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## Yarnie.One

You canNOT give in or give up! 

Your occupation says that youre an intelligent, educated person. Surely you realize just how ridiculous his complaints are. 

I do have two questions. First: Is this a new behavior? Maybe he should see a doctor for an evaluation. Maybe he has some kind of hormone imbalance or other health problem. Secondly: If your knitting is bothering him while hes at home watching TV or reading or whatever, then why doesnt he have time for a hobby? Maybe those things hes doing are his hobby!! So, if your noise bothers him, go do it in another room while hes doing his hobby. Find a quiet corner in some other room where you can put a comfortable chair to retreat to.

Realize that YOU hold the key to this situation and your reaction to his demands is in your control. He cannot get under your skin unless you let him. When hes complaining, start humming in your head -- la la la la la la la la. Do not respond to his negativity -- thats rewarding him for it. Do not discuss your purchases with him. Do not bring up the topic at all. If he ever doesnt complain, thank him and let him know how you appreciate him being kind and tolerant of something thats so important to you. 

Lots of people have given you good suggestions, so I'm going to try not to repeat any. And I'm not going to address every item on your list, because for many of them, you've already received great suggestions.

These are some things Id try.

-- Read about Eleanor Roosevelt and her knitting habits -- and share it with him. Print up a nice page-sized sheet about it and frame it. Put it over your knitting chair. Hand out copies to those in his family who will be able to read and share the information with other family members.

-- Encourage him to do some sort of charity work. Its very helpful for depressed people -- and that could be the at the root of his problem -- to extend themselves, to feel useful.

-- Start doing some projects for charity. That will help you feel better, but also might make him back off -- who can criticize a person whos doing charitable work?

-- If you do discuss knitting with him, point out that men invented it. That it was used as physical therapy for wounded soldiers during WWl and WWll. Share this site with him: www.menwhoknit.com/ . Northern fishermen used to spend the long , boring parts of the journey knitting their own sweaters. Maybe hed like to learn so that you two could have a hobby together. Remind him that Rosie Greer did needlepoint and that Jim Brown (football player) is a knitter. David Arquette. The Prince of Wales knits, Edgar Allen Poe did it. Lots of celebrity women knit -- look it up and see if any who he admires are among them.

-- Point out that for hundreds of years, women did it in every spare minute -- like when they had company, even -- to make things to keep their families warm. Hardly mindless or a waste of time.

-- Get a few plastic tubs to put all of your supplies in and put them out of sight -- in the garage, the attic, the back of closets, etc. If you have wool, be sure that it's in something that moths can't get into.

-- Join a knitting group and just be gone once a week to be among other knitters, enjoying yourself and relaxing.

-- Encourage him to join Masons or some other lodge where he can go be with the guys -- and as he gets involved, it will take up more and more of his time, doing special projects, etc. with them.

-- Keep your current project in your car. Stop at a park or library on the way home from work and spend an hour knitting. Have little projects that you can take in to work with you -- maybe chemo caps or items for the Pink Slipper Project. These same projects can go with you on flights, dentist appointments, etc -- again, who can criticize someone whos knitting for charity? In fact, people may talk to you about your knitting, you can mention that what your doing is for charity, and he can hear them say how great that is of you.

-- Look up info on how knitting helps stave off dementia and share that with him. 

Realize that if you do give up this, then he will just find something else to gripe at you about, because it isn't knitting that is the root of these complaints that he's making. 

Whatever you do, do not give up knitting -- if for no other reason than that you absolutely need to have this joy in your life to survive living with such a person who behaves in such an unkind, thoughtless way toward you.


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## judi wess

Sounds like it is time for what we in the mountains call a "prayer meetin". You sit him down and tell it like it is. Sounds like he is jealous of your interests.


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## rujam

Surely he knew you knitted before you were married. My hubby didn't have any hobbies but it was an unwritten rule that I didn't knit after 8.30pm


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## journey7

I agree with Jessica-Jean, do not throw in the towel. 
He sounds very controlling and verbally abusive.


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## rose haft

After you give that up, he'll start on something else, then something else after that. That's how those controlling kinds are.


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## EllenCrafts

You and your hubby need to sit down and talk. Your knitting is not the real problem. You need to dig deeper as to what's going on. Ask him what he thinks you would be doing if you weren't knitting. Maybe set aside one night a week where you have a date night. Remind him that if you don't have knitted gifts to give away, then you will need to go shopping during some of the 'new' non-knitting time! 

As for knitting with company over...tell him you would be more than happy to put your knitting down - IF they agree to speak in English! It's very rude of them to speak in a foreign language if you don't understand it. I could even see you leaving the room. 

Divorce should be considered only after trying to work things out. your choice shouldnt have to be knitting or him. Good luck. If he truly loves you he will give you your space. He may not understand your love of knitting and that's ok.


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## elaineadams

Put that white flag away...hide in his underwear drawer. Do not give up because that is what he wants, but reduce the amount of knitting you are doing, and much as it pains me to say this, do our knitting when he is off doing other things. I have an ex who was like this, and I used to keep a project bag in the bathroom, in the dirty linen box, which he never looked into, so whenever I was in the bathroom, I managed to knit a few rows. I also kept a project in work, and would knit in my lunch break. There are ways around it, and you'll find them. What you could do with right now is one of his friends (if he has any) asking something like "how's the latest project going....goodness your lesser half does not know how lucky he is married to a person who can create such wonderful things from a pile of string (men are not tuned into skeins and yarn words), wish my wife was so clever". The other way I got round the not visibly knitting at home was when he was watching his blessed snooker, I used to make lots of noise fidgeting with books, papers etc, so much so that I used to get asked to leave the room so he could have some quiet to watch his favourite sport.....up to the bathroom collect project bag and into the bedroom I'd go. I'd switch on the radio very low volume, sit in the old nursing chair, and knit for an hour, then go and make a bit more noise giving him coffee and biscuits, just so he knew he was not forgotten.


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## thumper5316

DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT!!


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## Lemonstarburst

He's an abusive jack ass. That list you gave about what you could and couldn't do are classic items on an abuse checklist - they ask women if their partners do these things when trying to assess level of abuse at shelters. This is bad enough right now to leave, but you can be sure that it will most likely get worse.


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## cydneyjo

I'm truly saddened by the number of women who feel that they have to "sneak" to engage in things that give them pleasure. Maybe it's not the men who haven't grown up; maybe it's us. Still little girls, hoping for Daddy's approval. Yikes! I thought this was done in the 60's.


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## thegrape

You really shouldn't have to resort to hiding things to be able to continue knitting. If you do either you really do have a problem or he really does have a problem and I suspect it's him. And if you have to give up knitting to make him happy assuredly it will not be the last thing you give up. There will always be something he wants you to change or give up so that you are behaving in a manner he finds acceptable. Bamboo needles make a noise? Yikes!


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## taborhills

You need help. Please get counseling for the two of you or for you yourself. His patterns can be very dangerous. Please see this as a symptom, not a problem. Best wishes.


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## ihmacs

You are not a victim - we all have the ability to make choices - hope you are strong enough to make the right ones. To happier days ahead. Sincerely, Selma


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## Junelouise

davidw1226 said:


> You alone know what your home situation is, but I think if I were in your shoes, I'd get some boxes, go to the kitchen and start boxing up all the pots and pans. When the husband asked why, I'd say:1. Cooking is too expensive; 2. There is too much clutter, the cupboards will be much tidier without them: 3. I am not available when I'm cooking; 4. It's rude to cook when company comes over; 5. It's too noisy with all that chopping; ....
> Seriously, this man sounds very controlling. Don't give up. You are his wife, not his property. You will be in my prayers.


ROFL!!!!!!!!


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## M2SMRTFORU

And after you give up your knitting what will be next. There will be something else. He wants to be in control of your life. You are being abused. Hopefully he hasn't become physically abusive yet as he sure is doing a good job of mentally abusing you. Keep yourself very aware of what is happening.


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## MargaretEllen

He kept that well hidden until you married. If you give in on that he will completely rule you eventually. Kick him into touch or kick him out.


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## Tanglewoodfarm

Do not do this. You are giving up everything, and he is not giving up a thing. Ditch this guy before you become his dishrag. If he is not willing to let you have this little pleasure, he is not a man(if you can call him that) with whom you need to spend any more time. He sounds like an extremely controlling and selfish person. Get out while you can from under his thumb.


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## Knitish

Thought: what will you replace knitting with that may even be more of a nuisance to him? Are you thinking of taking up smoking or hanging out at bars or checking out guys, now? Above who said you need to talk is right-you both need to talk. There is more going on here. After the knitting goes, then what?? Knitting is an ancient art and clothing skill of very high value to the family and community. At one time, only men kept this skill. He needs to be proud of you. Are you proud of him? Try using aluminum needles for speed and quiet. Be willing to compromise. He needs to not be intransigent. Maybe joining or even starting a knitting group would be helpful? Here, there is a group meeting on Wednesday morning at the local Starbucks, 50 miles away. Of course, if you work, you do not want to spend more time away. He needs to be grateful.


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## jan m

I'm with Jessicajean. Do NOT give it up or give in to his riduculous 'complaints'! 

Knitting is part of who you are, something you love and enjoy; it's unfair/selfish/immature of him to demand you abandon it.

Somewhere in your knitting supplies, is there a pair of long, straight, very sharp metal needles? Just asking...


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## Pup lover

cakes said:


> some men have issues..............some men never grow up.
> 
> thank heaven mine is terrific and helpful with anything I do,


 :thumbup: :thumbup: same here!!


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## Hudson

You can see what a cord you struck with us KPers by the pages of comments. I don't understand him but I do understand why you would be WORN DOWN by all these things he says to you. Does your knitting remind him of someone unpleasant from his past? If peace in this relationship is more important than knitting, can you knit when he is not around or knit in a group that meets elsewhere? Would it matter if you worked on an item for charity?

All my good energy I send to you. This sounds miserable and I am sorry. I know where I would draw the line in my own marriage but you have to decide. How much resentment will build up in you if you quit? And my last thought is..what will he belittle you about next?


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## patocenizo

So, put down the needles and talk non stop to him, do the nagging thing and so on and so on until he asks you how come you are not knitting???? :lol: :lol:


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## Justme

I would sell the sweaters you made him. then show him how many $$$$ someone did not like the sweaters and go out and by myself something very nice or more yarn.


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## NanaFran

Tell him that you knit so that you won't kill him. (I love that avatar, by the way!)


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## Hiedi

I agrea tell him to get his own life and stop ruining urs as my dad says you should enjoy life as u only get one x


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## MawMaw12

judi wess said:


> Sounds like it is time for what we in the mountains call a "prayer meetin". You sit him down and tell it like it is. Sounds like he is jealous of your interests.


I agree! Time for a sit down. Explain that you are not his child, his maid or his slave. You are his wife, an EQUAL in the marriage. If he would like to make a list of his requirement , you will do the same (make it a nice long one). Exchange list and tell him if he does ALL of yours then you will do ALL of his, otherwise each of you can start marking off what you are willing to compromise on. We did that years ago and found we could make lots of compromises. We have now been married 55 years, had lots of arguments, made lots of compromises and loved each other through it. It's called marriage. I don't know any perfect ones or perfect people but if you work on it, YOU can make it good. After all you loved him enough to marry him and likewise on his side. In the heat of being upset we often do and say things we wish we could change later. When one or the other is no longer there we think about that but then it's too late. That being said don't give up knitting, work it out with love.


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## taborhills

Yes, "work it out with love" -- but have Plan B (bank account, gas in your car, your name on title, etc.)


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## familydaycaremama

I can't encourage you strongly enough to start the process of healing. This man will either heal with you or not, but that's his problem & his responsibility. The sooner you detach from him with love, the better for your mental health. 

You'll probably find that his critical attitude doesn't subside once the knitting is gone but moves to some other aspect of your life. 

As long as you stay enmeshed with his negative personality you will be unable to heal because all your focus will be on his personality problems. Only facing and healing your own personality problems will give you the strength & clarity to figure out how to move forward. This is about you & not him. It's about how & why you go to this point of unhappiness.

Family members will always be effected by your healing & strength. Some will come along. Some will not. In health you'll be able to figure out how to deal with that. All the advice from others about what to do is useless until you find your touchstone of inner strength.

I speak from painful experience. My process of healing took my through a couple of different therapist (each useful in their own ways), a lot of self help books, an ever evolving spiritual practice, and Adult Child of Alcoholics meeting. It was absolutely the BEST thing I ever did for myself & the hardest. It turned my past problems into golden lessons & now my life is full and rich.

Give yourself the gift of healing. It's a beautiful life long process.


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## amc7519

It sounds like the problem has nothing to do with knitting. If you give up your treasured hobby to please him, he will only find something new to take away from you. When you allow a controlling person to get away with that behavior, they only get more and more controlling. Please remember that you are doing nothing wrong here and if he keeps up the complaining, suggest marriage counseling.


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## China Doll

Leave it for a few months - see how the marriage goes - and DO NOT get rid of your yarn and needles. There will come a time when you will be able to enjoy life again !


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## SherryH

Please don't give up your hobby! Help him find a hobby he enjoys, and find a hobby the two of you can enjoy together. If that doesn't work, unfortunately I would say the "controller" needs to go. Fortunately, you have a position which would allow you to take care of yourself.


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## LBush1144

You aren't serious about giving up knitting, are you? You should encourage him to get a hobby, but whatever, you do, don't give up knitting. My husband reads and naps all of the time he is home. I would never give up my hobbies to watch him do what he does.


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## wilbo

gagesmom said:


> I really do hope that you do not give up your knitting for him. It is a part of who you are and he should get over it.


My thoughts exactly! Knitting is part of your being, your passion, and you must not give it up. Knit in another room with the door closed if the sound of the needles bothers him. Stand your ground. He is childish and selfish.


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## Eager Beaver

Keep your knitting. Better to poison your husband.

Lots of love to you.


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## Miss Caty

I am sending a prayer up for you...thinking this through and make sure you are choosing what is good for you!!!


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## elaineadams

PS: I used my ex's taunts about my knitting in my divorce, he never denied it, even told the judge only "toothless old women knit"....the judge told him he was insulting and out of order. The divorce went through, I was given a huge settlement which purchased my current home, and a monthly allowance for the children...both boys, who I taught to knit, sew, and cook. I also made sure they were able to their own washing and ironing and never to take a girl for granted....result two adult sons who currently are girlfriendless, one has a child, my adorable grandson, from a previous relationship (his partner went off with someone else because she wanted a bit of excitment she didn't want to be a mum anymore), but suits me, and I can knit any time or any where I want to now.


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## JudyRett

Please do not give up your knitting!!!! It's what makes you you! Besides it relieves stress and you certainly need that! Take him to a hobby shop and get him started on a hobby immediately!!!!! Good Luck!


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## taborhills

If you can, find a couple of Alanon meetings and/or get their literature and consider how it applies to your situation.


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## Geri D

DONT DO IT!!!!! Keep knitting, I married a control freak. It wont stop at the knitting! Keep your sanity and the knitting. Take a stand


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## Rosette

Please do not stop knitting. That could be the first step on the path to losing your sense of self, resentment, bitterness, perhaps divorce. You need to find out the reason for his behaviour. Do you earn more than he does? Do his relatives think you are not the sort of wife he should have? If his family do not speak English as their first language, then there may be culural problems and difficulties. These can be overcome if both parties are willing. You need to talk through your problems with him and discuss your plans for your future life together. I do not know how long you have been married, or how long your knew each other before you married, but this needs sorting out and soon. I knit and my husband plays golf, so my hobby is way cheaper than his. I remind him of this when I have to. Good luck and please keep us updated.


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## taborhills

"War is not the answer" but prayerful thought about your life. About what life is about. You need, like most of us, someone very patient or a group where you can safely be yourself as you think this through.


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## blbevard

Okay, does he watch football every Sunday? Would he be willing to give that up for you? Keep on knitting. If he doesn't like the sweaters you make for him, stop making them. Knitting is a relaxation. Don't give it up for anyone!


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## Junelouise

JUST SAY NO!!!


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## Junelouise

JUST SAY NO!!!


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## Junelouise

JUST SAY NO!!!


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## LunaDragon

Please do not give up! Husbands do not last forever, and he is very contorting. Knitting is also therapeutic, you may need those needles and yarn for when life is too much and you need to release stress. I am sure he has something he needs to give up that is unhealthy! Make a deal. He gives up a bad habit that will make your life easier and you can pass on knitting, but those should be replaced with something that will fulfill the need of the missing hobby. If he wont agree then I agree with the others on the relationship. If you have to start giving up now on little things how much more are you going to give up on. Respect, dignity? What else freedom of choice and dreams.


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## Gerslay

Please don't give up your knitting nor give up on your marriage.

Sit him down, hold his hand, look in his eyes, and ask him to tell you what you can do to make him feel more loved. Maybe he just needs a little more of you, of your time, of your attention. Maybe you need a shared hobby. Maybe you need to knit in another room so that he can 'concentrate'. 

Then you tell him that you are not giving up your knitting which you love second to him ...okay, this might be a bit of a fib, but say it anyway ...but that you will adapt your knitting to make him feel better.

For instance: He thinks knitting is old fashioned and hes embarrassed that he has an old fuddy-duddy of a wife so stop all public knitting when youre with him. Dont knit in front of company, on flights, or any other public places that make him uncomfortable.

However, he has to compromise on all at home and/or private knitting which you must not stop!

If you are a believer, pray for your husband every day.


----------



## Junelouise

Junelouise said:


> JUST SAY NO!!!


sorry..don't know how that came up 3 times!!


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## Tanglewoodfarm

While I generally agree that talking things out is the first thing, I have had enough experience with people like him that I feel there is a problem(on his side) that is only going to get worse. Don't waste you life, trying to fix something that, most likely, can't be fixed. People who have to control other people like he appears to need to do, usually wind up hurting folks physically. I say, heed the warning signs before they become reality. See a counselor, but don't stay in this relationship unless he is willing to change his behavour drastically.


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## christine flo

i feel for youi have no problems like that i would knit even more and find needles that are very noisy.


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## vpatt

I hope you don't need to give up knitting. I don't know if your hubbie is abusive or just being childish. But I hope you will figure it out and know what to do with the relationship.
You are the only one who can. If he IS being controlling I doubt he will change except for the worst. If it is a cultural difference I would think he would want you to quit your job and stay home....I could be wrong on that count.
You have plenty of people backing you here at KP. Take care of yourself. And either way get some real life backup.


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## taborhills

It's wonderful that there are so many wise and loving and experienced people on this site. Take comfort in their embrace -- and take seriously those who are telling you how ominous his behavior sounds. People can change, but to do so we all need -- and he needs -- to want to change and be willing to work on changing. You cannot change him. But you can make decisions for yourself.


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## missblu

Give up a hobby that you love. A relaxing hour out of your day. NO WAY woyld I give in. Don't give in to him. Be true to yourself. 
<3


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## RebeccaVM

My hubbie hated when I cross-stitched, crocheted, did cross-word puzzles, and knitted...but he likes when i work full time, clean house and cook. One day I asked him why he hated me doing everything that I enjoyed....he gave me a blank look. I gave him a detailed explanation of my statement. He shut up. Now I get to buy wool yarn and anything I want, with in reason. Of course I am a tightwad and won't buy anything at full price...but the quiet from him is wonderful.

Been married 25 years.


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## bellagray

Guess I am very fortunate as my husband doesn't mind me knitting, the clutter that has taken over the coffee table when I am working on a project, the "don't sit on or near my yarn" or "shhhh I'm counting" while I'm working on something...I saw a sign the other day, it said "take me as I am or watch me as I go". Maybe you should knit him a blanket with that on it???


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## pj gam

Just keep in mind-"Knitting forever, housework whenever".


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## Fishy

Dont give upnknitting it's so therapitichave a second hobby , buy a drum kit and play all day and night.then see which one he prefers.


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## louisezervas

Once a knitter, always a knitter. Don't give up.


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## Deboraj50

Get rid of HIM, not your knitting.


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## faigiezipper

Get a divorce. Keep the yarn. This guy is a looser.


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## evesch

I certainly would not give up my hard won skills for anyone. I HAVE to do things with my hands or go crazy. Actually you could use the idea that doing knitting keeps arthritis away and keeps you more engaged, other than when you are counting. I can concentrate much better while hands are engaged in work than if they have to sit idle. Idle hands are the Devils playground! My goodness I think he is totally off here! Why not challenge him to learn to knit to prove to you that it is such a mindless task. My hubby does not think it is a mindless task. And we won't even go into how much of the house, car, van, and computer are taken up with craft things and patterns, not to mention my time!!! And I only make around $10 thousand a year!! I cannot conceive what sort of trouble I could get into if I made that kind of income!


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## Granny8

Are you kidding??? Bad choice in relationships... step away, far, far, away....


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## Carol295

I can totally sympathize with you but please don't give up your knitting. Knit while he is playing his games; put it away while te relatives seak around you; knit on those flights & get him something to play his dumb games while in flight. Your knitting is keeping your sanity in check. If you give it up there will be something else to complain about. Cut back but please don't give it up.


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## LeighKnitOne

Oh you poor thing. I am very fortunate to have a husband who is very supportive of my knitting.


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## Margreet

Don't raise the flag since you have done nothing wrong.
Is it possible that there is something else the matter with your husband and that he uses your hobby to cover that up?
Perhaps he has problems at work or something else and he is using you/your hobby to get rid of his frustration?
Anyway, don't stop to knit, because there is a big chance that he will find something else to use as an excuse to express his annoyance. 
In a relationship both parties need there own space. Don't give away yours... Wish you lots of strength, in the past I've walked the same road...


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## Lil Kristie

My SO encourages my crocheting. He will even buy the yarn for me when he can. Both of us on limited income.

My ex was so controlling. If I was crocheting, he thought I was ignoring him. 

My late DH encouraged my crocheting also. Even asked me to make a vest he saw in a magazine for him. He wore it all the time. 

Never give up on your knitting. It is your joy and salvation right now.


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## Crumplin

Knitting is a part of your life - hold on to it! Tell him to find a hobby of his own and leave you with your creativity. Yes, indeed, in your shoes I would give up the man rather than the opportunity for creativity


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## nobelle1

You need to give him up, not the knitting. That is your "me" time. Tell him to get a life. Don't give it up!


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## PaKnitter

The man wouldn't be telling me!


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## jsbhva

After you give up knitting what will you have to give up next? A good idea would be him!


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## Ann DeGray

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


Don't you DARE surrender! This is not about your knitting. This is about control. If you give up knitting he will find something else to torment you about. You know that, don't you? Tune him out. Men seem to know how to do that instinctively, women may have to work on that a little before they get the idea.

This is not being written by a disgruntled, unhappy wife. My DH is very supportive and he would tell you exactly what I told you. This is not about the knitting, the amount of time, money, manners or distraction.

Knitting is your love. It's who you are. It gives you satisfaction (can he do that?), it is productive and provides joy to others (why did it take 3 sweaters before you realized he was never gonna wear them?)

You're not gonna change him (and he'd be the first to tell you that, wouldn't he?) so why should he think he can change you?

Now, get back to your knitting!


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## GANDY

Use your next paycheck for a divorce - not yarn. Life is too short to put up with that creap. Trying to solve the problem will only be a waste of time and effort that could better be applied to KNITTING.

GANDY


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## maxine pisterzi

I have been kniting or crocheting for over 50 yrs. My mother use to tell me it was stupid. I've met with some of the same complaints as you. In a world that is so stressful this is the way I relax. As far as I'm concerned, you could have worse hobbies. Keep going!


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## Candy

i totally agree with u, on this one,


kiwiannie said:


> What a controling son of a gun your husband is,i wouldn't give up my hobbies,i', sure he won't give up his hobbies for you. :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown:


 :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## Candy

also on this note, once u give up knitting, he will find something else to complain about, been there and done that, so do what you love to do and he will either learn to live with it or get lost, lol
Candy


Ann DeGray said:


> yover8 said:
> 
> 
> 
> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.
> 
> 
> 
> Don't you DARE surrender! This is not about your knitting. This is about control. If you give up knitting he will find something else to torment you about. You know that, don't you? Tune him out. Men seem to know how to do that instinctively, women may have to work on that a little before they get the idea.
> 
> This is not being written by a disgruntled, unhappy wife. My DH is very supportive and he would tell you exactly what I told you. This is not about the knitting, the amount of time, money, manners or distraction.
> 
> Knitting is your love. It's who you are. It gives you satisfaction (can he do that?), it is productive and provides joy to others (why did it take 3 sweaters before you realized he was never gonna wear them?)
> 
> You're not gonna change him (and he'd be the first to tell you that, wouldn't he?) so why should he think he can change you?
> 
> Now, get back to your knitting!
Click to expand...


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## EqLady

DO NOT GIVE UP! Sounds like you were a knitter long before you met him, so he needs to get over himself and go find something else to do besides criticizing you!


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## PatriciaGagnon

OHM Yover8... Leave the guy !! There is nothing else to say.


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## PaKnitter

maxine pisterzi said:


> I have been kniting or crocheting for over 50 yrs. My mother use to tell me it was stupid. I've met with some of the same complaints as you. In a world that is so stressful this is the way I relax. As far as I'm concerned, you could have worse hobbies. Keep going!


As a kid I was told I was to stupid to learn by my mother also. My father told me I had no talent with drawing because I have to 'see' to be inspired instead of using my imagination.

Well you know what...I am still doing both today at the age of 60. Ignore the negative people around you and keep doing what makes you happy.


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## autumngoose

Give up the new hubby before you give up your hobby !!


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## MrsC

Did he know about your knitting before you were married? This didn't start right after you said 'I do' did it?


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## Mem51

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


sounds like you should get rid of him first. it would be a lot less painful. you know that if you get rid of the yarn, there will be something else to complain about.


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## Ann Heistad

I'm very sorry to read your story this morning. It sounds abusive to me and very controlling. Good luck.


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## eveningstar

Several people have mentioned this might be because he came from a different culture. I was married for 53 years to a man who came from the Middle East to go to college in the US. Fortunately for me, he loved things American (including me). 
It wasn't until later when some of his family came to the US that I came to see how strong family ties were and how torn he sometimes was in his allegiances. It wasn't easy.


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## slnovak

My heart truly aches for you! Perhaps there is a local group that meets after work or on Saturdays where you can knit and relax with other knitters? Our knitting guild meets a few times a well, one being right after work.

I will think of you of and on all day as you must feel so sad.

What a giving and thoughtful woman you are to give to so many. My thoughts and prayers are with you in your struggle!

As for his sweaters, perhaps you can frog them and make something as I am sure your gifts are appreciated by many!

Stay strong!


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## nrc1940

I have one just like him -- NEEDY! Mine is also "fairly new" and would like to control my every move. Ain't gonna happen. I suggest passive resistance. But whatever it takes, don't give up something you love just to please him.


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## Bonidale

I had the same issue with a man who had problems with my vegan diet even though I cooked him meat. I gave him up. Don't give up something you love.


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## MaryanneW

The first word that came to my mind was in the first reply to your post....baby.


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## cgcharles

This is probably the first time I have read through all 12 pages of comments on any subject. I lived this life with my first husband. My current husband of 33 years does complain about my WIP's all over the place(which they are) but tells people it keeps me out of the bars, the stores and off the street(his little joke). I have no problem with his comment because it is true.


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## lilbabery

Keep fighting knitting is worth it. Dont let him win.


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## Marylou12

He is an abuser. He is verbally and mentally abusing you. Knitting is a passion for you and he knows it, so he picks on it because you care about it. If it wasn't knitting it would be something else. 
I know it's none of my business, but mental abusers can turn to physical abusers. Maybe you should think twice about this relationship.


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## Marylou12

He is an abuser. He is verbally and mentally abusing you. Knitting is a passion for you and he knows it, so he picks on it because you care about it. If it wasn't knitting it would be something else. 
I know it's none of my business, but mental abusers can turn to physical abusers. Maybe you should think twice about this relationship.


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## Marylou12

He is an abuser. He is verbally and mentally abusing you. Knitting is a passion for you and he knows it, so he picks on it because you care about it. If it wasn't knitting it would be something else. 
I know it's none of my business, but mental abusers can turn to physical abusers. Maybe you should think twice about this relationship.


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## regencylover

Don't give up. put it away for a while and see what he wants to do with the time. Give him a chance to show what he prefers and then you can work out a different schedule. It'll also tell you whether he has a legtimate complaint or is just a person who needs to control the other. 
A bit of compromise and not surrender. If the stash is tucked away out of sight for awhile you can see whether you can survive and whether he actually spends time with you. You may find that your nerves need the soothing rhytm of knitting for your health.
Do not act hastily. You'll regret it. IT may be you need the knitting more than the Husband. The gentle art of compromise is needed here. If he won't compromise when you give him the chance , then you have a different decision to make.
I used to spend hours writing, doing crosstitch or doing elementary knitting while the family watched sports which I dislike. They liked my presence . I put it down if they wanted to play Scrabble or Monopoly.


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## jersgran

My husband bullied me, too. If you give in to this, there will be something else, until you are a little robot. I lost him to death last year, and I can't even make my own decisions any more. My kids think I have made great progress, but each decision is agonizing. We were married for almost 60 years, and his control happened so gradually, I didn't even know it was happening. Now I think how different our lives would have been if only I had stood up to him the first time. I get angry at myself for letting it happen. Someone on this forum has below their replies "I do not need permission to be me" Be yourself, it is who he married after all.


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## Jenval

Don't give up your knitting if he loves you he should love whatever your hands make, my heart goes out to you.


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## EZ2

I cannot write my first reaction on this forum or I would probably get kicked off. Let it suffice to say it was something he could go do to himself!


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## peanutpatty

Hi, yovr8,
From what you say, I'm afraid it's not your knitting. If you give it up there will be something else he is not happy with. There will ALWAYS be something else, so don't be too ready to give up this one thing just for him.
It's a difficult situation nd really no one can tell you how to deal with it - you have to figure this out on your own. But remember to look out for your own interests and sanity because it sounds like HE sure isn't going to!


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## alwaysknitting

oh man, do not give up doing what makes you happy. We women try to please everyone - not possible - stop wasting your time knitting for him and make others happy with your gifts. He will get over it or maybe he won't - so be it!!


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## sharyna

Shame on him, sounds he does have a hobby, complaining. I'd stop knitting when hell freezes over. If you find something you enjoy, why not. Much better than pain pills or meds..
Maybe you should get rid of something else..just saying


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## Mystikerin

Take your projects to work so you can knit at work while on break. Maybe you have a friend who would not mind you storing your stash. I would not give up my hobby, it makes me scared for you about what your spouse will do next to control you. I am unemployed looking for work, but my husband has never minded me knitting or buying yarn. He has luckily never complained about the deafening clattering of my bamboo needles either. My DH loves video games/phone games, which I detest. 
In your case I seriously would consider losing the spouse.


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## srs

Do not give up your knitting.....he will only control you 
if you let him. Be strong and keep knitting.


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## CdnKnittingNan

Oh no, that is too sad! Instead of making it a final decision, why not just put it all away securely for awhile and see what he says! My bet he'll have something else to complain about. I'd put it away totally out of sight and say nothing!!! That's an investment you'd hate to have to try to recover. He may just change his mind when he sees you suffering in silence (and empty handed)!


----------



## brynmawr

cydneyjo said:


> Having tried out two husbands, reading this, I am so glad that I have only myself to answer to. No hiding yarn when I buy it. No making excuses for starting something new when I have a (many) WIPs. No apologizing for collecting sets of interchangeables. I make my own money and I spend my own money. Some boys never grow up.


Me too. 2 husbands later. I have been on my own for 26 years and guess what! I can do anything I want. And I don't have to hide my lys receipts anymore. I have stash tubs in my storage area, walk-in closet and in my guest room closet now. I may buy more yarn today if I want. When I moved into this house one of the movers said "Lady, if you buy 1 more Christmas ornament or 1 more ball of yarn, you should seek professional help". That it was the funniest thing!!


----------



## Blue_Carol

scottybearNSW said:


> I'm afraid I wouldn't give up my hobby without a fight. Sorry but he sounds like a control freak.


I agree. If you give up something that you enjoy (for him), he will find other faults/things for you to give up.


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## I am the Nan

Please don't give up your knitting. Just do it at different times for a bit, when your very picky and rude husband isn't around. Then slip back into your knitting/crocheting habits. If you don't, you'll blame him later and it'll be even harder to be around such a bully of a guy.


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## gigi 722

oh my, reeducation camp maybe? what a selfish person. I fear you have much to be sorry about.


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## Gabby knits

After 45 years of that kind of emotional abuse it wasn't my KNITTING I gave up! (I'm a slow learner!


----------



## Joan Thelma

bobctwn65 said:


> urrr i hate controling men...glad i am a widow


I'm happy that after TWO Divorces, I have remained Single - I can knit whenever I want - wherever I want!!!!


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## elizkay

Knit him a muzzle and ear plugs!!


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## elizkay

WOOP WOOP WOOP!!!!!!
Knitting is cheaper than therapy!


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## Milocat

It would seem that there are two strands of advice, 1. You need to modify your knitting and talk to him.2 He is an abusive control freak and this situation will only get worse.
The only person who can deal with this situation is YOU. However I would agree that he exhibits the classic elements of domestic abuse, criticising you for things that are Important to you, isolating you from friends and family. It is important that you realise that you are exhibiting classic victim behaviour, and that many women in this situation find it very difficult to either leave or to successfully resolve this without some professional help. I would urge you to seek some help before you make any decisions or before you have any sort of confrontation (however mild), there is always a potential for this to escalate. 
The friendship of your fellow knitters is very important, they all agree on one thing, giving up your knitting and giving away your materials will not help this problem, there will only be an endless list of other complaints. The problem is not with you, he is a deeply unhappy man and you are just there to be kicked around.
Best wishes, stay strong, seek help.


----------



## Gmfur

Jessica-Jean said:


> ladysjk said:
> 
> 
> 
> I was, the key word is was, married to a man like this. My hobbies were a waste of my time, yet he played video games. My friends only used me for what they could get, yet I had to force him to get off his lazy butt and get a job, or there would be nothing for him to eat etc, My family hated him therefore I could not see them, that was not true at the point he said it..if we went to the store, or anywhere I couldn't look at anyone of the opposite sex or I was flirting...lots more..that marriage last less than 2 yrs. Did I give up my hobbies, friends, family or vision..Heck no...I gave him up. I think I would have killed him if not for my hobbies, this is emotional, and mental abuse..you are who you are, don't try to change that or you will become bitter, and hateful. If he loved you enough to marry you the way you are, then why is he trying to change you?? You are still the woman he knew and loved. This needs some serious discussion between the two of you with no accusations, or fault finding. Just a good ole fashion conversations about what is REALLY bothering him, what the REAL problem with you is...Good luck
> 
> 
> 
> :thumbup: Not what the real problem with _you_ is, but what the real problem is with the *relationship*.
Click to expand...

I would have to agree here. There is a point of compromise. No one, you or your husband, should have to stop being YOU in a relationship. Assuming what you say is accurate he is being unreasonable. You could make sure to give him focused time each day and decrease your knitting,but something else is going on. I would wonder if he will find another reason to put you down if you quit knitting.


----------



## Swarff

Oh! how I feel for you. My first Hubby was like that in all aspects of my life. I divorced him 34 years ago and then re-married my present hubby 26 years ago. We have our ups and downs, but he loves my hobbies, and encourages and supports them. This is very much control, and the justifications he uses are excuses to keep you under his thumb. It is very hard to fight against this, and I feel your weeping inside. Don't let your knitting go, if you have to put it on a back boiler for now and look seriously at the relationship and get some help on what the problem is.
If he is like this with your hobby, it could escalate to friends, jobs, social events etc. So find help now, even if it is finding time to have a really good talk about it.
Don't forget, he might even be jealous of what you 'have' a comfortable, enjoyable hobby that brings you great pleasure. Jealousy raises it heads in many ways.

I do feel for you though, having gone through this myself so sending all my deepest support for you at this time, and wishing you good vibes in getting this sorted out so you can continue to knit and be 'HAPPY'


----------



## colonialcat

I would never give up a hobby that kept me from killing that person, it would be my salvation my time for peace he needs a hobby to do. do not give into this complaining husband he will only find something else to complain about that you do or don't do. what you do with your free time is what keeps you a whole person.


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## 22401

Don't give in! He'll try to control other parts of your life as well. Keep the knitting. I'm in heaven right now because my "DH" is out of town for a month. The kids and I are celebrating. It's party time!! Time to exhale.


----------



## eneurian

vannavanna said:


> ps, I don't want my location to be in hiding---how do I install it please?


click 'my profile' in the title section at the top of the page. scroll down til you can see you information: it will say location and then have an empty box. just fill in the box and save the changes.

i think you can also contact admin for help, there are info pages there.


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## DGreen

Can't stop thinking about your post. Married 34 years to the kind of man you describe. It is not about YOU. He's a control freak and if you give up knitting he will find something else to criticize and make demands about - this will continue if you permit it. He won't change and he won't give up and there will never be an end to his demands for you to do as he wants. Any man who would behave that way is displaying a fundamenal character flaw.

When I think of the years of my marriage I am overwhelmed by grief at the loss so much of my life. Run for you life but be careful because men like that can be dangerous, if not to your body, to your mind.

Second marriage to the finest man I've ever known. Happy beyond words - he has NO control issues and loves me for who I am. What a difference!

I will keep you in mind and heart and wish you well.


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## dshorty57

Shoot, just like I tell my DH...your not occupying my time and luckily I don't have another bad hobby like gambling...keep that hobby its the best in the world


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## sharyna

sounds like he does have a hobby, complaining!
If this is something you enjoy don't give it up ! I'd give up something else, I'm just saying. It's better than taking meds! My husband has never complained when I'm doing a project. If I've run into a problem and get lost in a patter, he'll even stop talking to me as I'm attempting to find my place. 
He's not an angel but he is compliant, sometimes anyway...lol
Even my husband agrees, get rid of him!


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## cckittenknits

Please do not give up on knitting because of him. When I bought my first knitting machine ($610) in 1986 and brought it home my husband was surprised. First of all I did not tell him I was buying it(I too was working) and when he found out how much it was he said "You will have to sell a whole lot of sweaters to justify that price". I looked at him and said "I don't have to justify anything-this is for my mental health!" Since then he has found me two more machines in the classified ads and he is so proud of my work. I can't imagine how it would be if he constantly harrassed me about it. Stay strong and don't give in. Suggest some things for him to do to occupy his time. You are his wife, not his babysitter.


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## Sherry1

I don't know what to say except "thank you God!"

It troubles me that you would even consider giving up knitting or any hobby for that matter. Your husband sounds like a narcissistic, immature bully.

While my husband doesn't show an active interest in every project I do, he shows interest when I show him a WIP. He is proud of what I do and says so. He often shows his amazement at what I can do with sticks and string. When I was having Chemo and my dad passed away I didn't knit for about two months. When I finally started knitting again, I overheard him telling someone on the phone that I was knitting again. He measures my health by it.
Honey, it's NOT YOU. if you give up knitting how will you feel about him?
Will you love him more and be content and happy or will you resent him and be miserable?
Show him this thread and suggest counseling. Good luck


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## bbbg

I must say, I have not read all 14 pages of replies, but here's my gut response. Knitting is not the problem, and changing your knitting habits will not solve the problem. You can't win, because it's not about you. Sounds like your husband will be critical of WHATEVER you do. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't sort of thing. There's a much bigger dynamic at work than your "annoying clicking." Keep yourself healthy, whole, and sane, and try to leave his "crazy" to him. You can't control him, but you can not buy in to the crazy. Best wishes, friend.


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## jkbrown595

As a husband to a wife that has many crafts and hobbies, none of which are crochet/knitting/looming - (she's a crafter and a cross stitcher etc..) After 28 yrs, I decided that I could make an afghan for my daughter since my wife doesn't do that and my mother quit, so I sat down and watched a video. And now after 32 years of marriage, she goes to her conferences and I go to mine! We still have plenty of time together. Some men need to get over themselves! Be real, be human! Take care my friend! And don't give up the sticks or hooks or looms!!!


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## taborhills

My husband and I discussed this this morning at breakfast. He said this is a problem of boundaries. And a chance to try to learn negotiating skills in your relatively new marriage.
You might need a coach! Best wishes from us both.


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## cckittenknits

Please do not give up on knitting because of him. When I bought my first knitting machine ($610) in 1986 and brought it home my husband was surprised. First of all I did not tell him I was buying it(I too was working) and when he found out how much it was he said "You will have to sell a whole lot of sweaters to justify that price". I looked at him and said "I don't have to justify anything-this is for my mental health!" Since then he has found me two more machines in the classified ads and he is so proud of my work. I can't imagine how it would be if he constantly harrassed me about it. Stay strong and don't give in. Suggest some things for him to do to occupy his time. You are his wife, not his babysitter.


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## Kathie

davidw1226 said:


> You alone know what your home situation is, but I think if I were in your shoes, I'd get some boxes, go to the kitchen and start boxing up all the pots and pans. When the husband asked why, I'd say:1. Cooking is too expensive; 2. There is too much clutter, the cupboards will be much tidier without them: 3. I am not available when I'm cooking; 4. It's rude to cook when company comes over; 5. It's too noisy with all that chopping; ....
> Seriously, this man sounds very controlling. Don't give up. You are his wife, not his property. You will be in my prayers.


I love this reply!

:thumbup: :thumbup:

It is about controlling you not about knitting. He needs help and so do you if you want to make this marriage work. Good luck


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## virginia42

Sounds like he may be from a different culture??? when you mention relatives who don't speak English in front of you....

If he's living in this country he should live according to the customs here. Don't women have equal rights here???
Kind of.....in most situations.

Anyway, stick up for yourself.


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## jaydee33

Hang in there. Tell him to "get over it"


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## grandmaof7

What on earth is going on at your house? Good grief. Who died and made him boss. Do not under any circumstances give up your knitting for that sniveling (man?). What a pathetic cry baby he is. He isn't worth listening too. Go about you business as if he doesn't exist. With the money you make you can certainly get an apt. somewhere and get away from him. He's a real downer on Your life, emotions and mental health. Find a back bone lady.


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## kknott4957

any husband that won't let you be yourself has some real control issues. If you give in on something as innocous as knitting, what else will he have you give up "in your best interests"? This behavior should be a big red flag. None of his reasons have any real grounds except #10. He doesn't have a hobby so you shouldn't either.


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## Katpw

I think I'd get rid of the hubby;-)


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## MAS

You have confirmed my log held beleif that my DH is the most wonderful man -- I cannot imagine my life without him.
He would go to extreme to help me get to the Hobby Lobby for an emergency yarn trip -- a blizzard outside? The truck has four wheel drive and a snow plow and he would plow his way there if he had to. lol You are joking about giving up knitting, right ???


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## Mneets

Do not..... NOT.... give in... you need your sanity and if you let him win this one it will start a precedent.... I had that same problem with every craft I did...... and my hubby of 52 years just has to deal with it the same way I deal with his habits that I dont like. I knit and quilt and do other crafts and every time I spend money (mine, not his) he complains. I just tune him out now. Good Luck.


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## helflo

Do You really need him? If it were me I would keep the knitting and give up him.he is trying to control you. I am single for that reason.


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## Grandma11

Key words. Knitting is relaxing and certainly NOT a waste of time!


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## Jean Keith

I've only read one page of 15 pages of advice to you -- Ha. I can imagine already what they say. I 'had' a husband that used to say that about my reading, before knitting. After he left me, he told our children the importance of reading. 

I hope that you do not give up knitting. It is part of you and no doubt a bigger part than the DH. You contribute a sizeable amount of money, Perhaps if he had a choice, he would choose to have you continue your hobby. I'm serious and at the same time very content that I don't have a DH.


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## helena962

You are obviously married to a control freak. My condolences.


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## JanetMM

Don't give up your knitting. He probably won't go to counselling, but even if he doesn't, you go. If you find someone good they can help you find different ways of handling his needs which could be very helpful for the future. There is something wrong in his life that he cannot bear you to pay attention to anything else, but this is not normal behaviour on his part. I don't know whether it pervades your whole relationship but it might begin to unless you can find some effective and different ways of deflecting his jealousy and what is emotionally abusive, Good luck with the problem. I hope you can find someone good to help you. Talk to your family doctor if you don't know where to start.


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## vermontmary

I doubt that knitting is the real problem ... Maybe you're so busy that he never feels he has your undivided attention. Can you create some "together" time that's separate from individual times? He sounds pretty insecure!


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## Catma4

I would never give up my knitting. The husband would go first!


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## jonibee

And..what does he do for relaxation sit in front of the "boob tube" and chomp away or is he just a pain in the posterior. Do not let his intimidation of you take away the thing that you so enjoy. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he has his time and you have yours and butt out. He'll stew for awhile but if you give in you'll will be always giving in. For a compromise set aside a certain amount of quality time for him and your knitting and let it be known that's the way it is going to be...don't be subserviant.


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## mmg

Say it isn't so!!!I don't know about you, but knitting brings me so much joy! Don't give it up!


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## weisense

Sorry to hear of your situation. When I get into something, I get into it "wholeheartedly", and I can understand why my husband would react negatively at times. A key word for me is BALANCE.


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## nab

I am so sorry that you are even considering giving in. You must really love him to do that to yourself. I do agree with the advise given here. Do not give in. Keep your stuff and see how he likes you without your knitting. I bet he won't. I get pretty crabby if I do not have something to work on. I also tend to get depressed. BUT, God blessed me with a very understanding and supportive husband. We have been married for 44 years and I would not trade him, but I will not give up my hobbies either. It is part of who I am.
Love & hugs
Nickie


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## scottishlass

I sympathize with you but you need to assert yourself its knitting now what's next I think hes a wanker and a big baby


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## Agathe-Jeanne

Love yourself enough to keep knitting if it make you happy
and it also teaches your children and grandchildren
that your a woman of worth! God bless you


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## craftyjoy

to: bobctwn65

I am sure you did not mean that you are glad you are a widow. I am one, also, and I am not glad that my husband suffered a fatal heart attack in 1988 at age 51. I lost a friend and mentor, and I am not glad that he is gone. 

Please be careful how you say things. You may give people the wrong impression.


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## 7914_Susie

Don't give up your knitting as he will likely focus on something else once you do. The best option would be for the two of you to go to counselling (if he will agree) in hopes of saving your marriage. You need to find out what is really bothering him to work things out. If you can't then you need to figure out what your next step will be.

Good luck.


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## Knitish

As a grandma, you need to know my sons and my daughter and g/daughter are delighted and proud that I knit for them and their friends! Knitting is universal.


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## michaelena

stick him with the needles.....oops, sorry, I shouldn't say that...how about the darning needle? lol lol lol lol


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## joycevv

And what exactly do you get out of this relationship??


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## SandraM

The pages are mounting to 17 and they all tell you the same thing, keep your knitting and get rid of your control freak before he destroys your confidence and you.
You have to live with him so it is your decision in the end. lots of love.


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## Peggyd

Hi Dok,
Don't quit. God gave you your knitting ability. 
My husband told me that knitting is not a career. I'm still knitting &#128522;
I say teach him how to knit, or do like I do, go in the parked car and knit, or to the library.
He's either jealous or mean. Keep on knitting.
I have 3 drawers full of knitting/crochet books.
Tell that man to get a hobby.
Blessings,


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## Fourel

Please do not give up your knitting. Your husband will only find something else about you he doesn't like. Look at other aspects of your relationship. Why did he marry you? What else doesn't he like about you? Do not lose yourself because of him.


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## maxine pisterzi

Thanks Linda, I still am "working on my projects". Over the years I've had great joy in various things that I've made. I'm due to have a new grandchild in April. One of the first things my son said was"don't forget you owe the baby a blanket" so, on I go!


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## familydaycaremama

Beautifully put



regencylover said:


> Don't give up. put it away for a while and see what he wants to do with the time. Give him a chance to show what he prefers and then you can work out a different schedule. It'll also tell you whether he has a legtimate complaint or is just a person who needs to control the other.
> A bit of compromise and not surrender. If the stash is tucked away out of sight for awhile you can see whether you can survive and whether he actually spends time with you. You may find that your nerves need the soothing rhytm of knitting for your health.
> Do not act hastily. You'll regret it. IT may be you need the knitting more than the Husband. The gentle art of compromise is needed here. If he won't compromise when you give him the chance , then you have a different decision to make.
> I used to spend hours writing, doing crosstitch or doing elementary knitting while the family watched sports which I dislike. They liked my presence . I put it down if they wanted to play Scrabble or Monopoly.


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## kgiles326

Yeah, putting in my two cents, I'm glad I'm single too -- wouldn't have it any other way -- no one to answer to for my decisions or how i choose to spend my time. I say Don't Give Up. It's who you are and what you love. He needs to accept that. Like someone else said, maybe a good old fashioned conversation and/or some marriage counseling. it does sound like there's a deeper issue going on there. Good luck and hang in there.


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## laurie kinnunen

OH NOOOOOOO!!!! Just ignore him. Take really good care of yourself. Watch your diet and exercise. OUTLIVE HIM!!!! Get regular check ups.


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## conniesews

I gave myself away in my first marriage until there was nothing left. I could have used Alanon back then. Instead I turn to drink and went to AA for help. I hated myself for being such a fool. For trying so hard to please a man who could not be pleased. I found out that you can not please all of the people all of the time, so you might as well please yourself. I find people accept me as I am if I accept me for who I am. No anger needed. Just self confidence. An older gentleman said recently that I was not shy. I answered that if he meant be that that I had self confidence, he was right. I am alone and loving it. Free to be me. God Bless


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## oleganny

When my DH & I were first married he was like that too - mostly about my sewing. No one in his family did anything except play cards & bingo & he could see no value in my work - not even that I could make a dress for myself for a dollar - way back then fabric was .25 a yard in the dime store. His appreciation came slowly when people discovered that I could sew & I began charging for it. After that he was proud of what I did & even carried around pictures & tried to "market" my work. I told him please dont - I did sew for others (the most thankless job in the world) when my children were small so I could stay home with them. Maybe your DH has never had any experience with talented women - mine sure didn't. Maybe you can get him to help you with something related to your knitting - ask his opinion on something - pattern/texture/etc. He might be trainable.


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## katlvr.74

HOW SAD!! in my opinion, he'd either have to get a hobby,or quit complaining about "MY STUFF". But I'm old and alone in the male dept. & don't want another 1. I have 2 rooms in my dds dbl wide that I am pleased abt. The sil and I don't speak when he has days off work. He more or less stays in the opposite end from me. I can watch TV 24/7 if I choose, knit till my fingers fall off, fall down bodily, no one would care to look in on me to c if i was o.k. Enough off my mind. Back to enjoying the rest of KP. katlvr.74


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## wolfmom6712

familydaycaremama said:


> Beautifully put
> 
> 
> 
> regencylover said:
> 
> 
> 
> Don't give up. put it away for a while and see what he wants to do with the time. Give him a chance to show what he prefers and then you can work out a different schedule. It'll also tell you whether he has a legtimate complaint or is just a person who needs to control the other.
> A bit of compromise and not surrender. If the stash is tucked away out of sight for awhile you can see whether you can survive and whether he actually spends time with you. You may find that your nerves need the soothing rhytm of knitting for your health.
> Do not act hastily. You'll regret it. IT may be you need the knitting more than the Husband. The gentle art of compromise is needed here. If he won't compromise when you give him the chance , then you have a different decision to make.
> I used to spend hours writing, doing crosstitch or doing elementary knitting while the family watched sports which I dislike. They liked my presence . I put it down if they wanted to play Scrabble or Monopoly.
Click to expand...

I completely agree!!


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## MTNKnitter

DO not give into him. You have every right to enjoy your knitting. Remind him it is cheaper than a shrink,(which he would be paying for if,) You have to live with him!


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## fstknitter

Find times to knit like lunch hour at work or leave early for work and knit a few rows to start up your day. I do my best thinking while knitting.


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## grandmatoodie

DO NOT QUIT! He knew you were a knitter before he said "I Do" - let him cope with it and quietly-tell him to put on his big boy pants and live with it.


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## mamastress

yover8: I am hoping this post is tongue in cheek and not for real. I had to reply. Please tell this man to kiss your a**. It is YOUR money and YOUR time. The trouble with some people who complain is that they will find something. Now the problem is your kintting, next it will be something else (weight, job, your family)


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## heredoggie

couples counseling could/would address the underlying issues. Good luck, I hope you find a workable solution soon.if you gave up knitting, I wonder what the next complaint about you would be . . .something to think about...what do you want your life to look like five years from now? Te answer to thst question might help you discover your next step now


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## finstock

What a selfish attitude he has,I thought marriage was give and take on both sides.My husband would support me in any hobby i did, as i would for him.
Maybe thats why my 37th anniversary is coming up,Explain to him how important it is to you.


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## Riley

I haven't read all 18 pages but this reminds me of my first husband. The verbal put-downs eventually led to him hitting me. I got out and have never been happier.


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## brain56

This is a form pf abuse.
If you allow him to control you in this, something that is important/matters to you; it will only be the beginning.

What could be next?
If a frank discussion doesn't settle the matter, in your favor, please get counselling, for your own protection.


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## scottishlass

I am so glad I have the husband I have he never complains about my knitting or thrift store shopping Guess I lucked out


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## beck25

dont give up what you love just because of your husband i wouldnt


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## Torticollus

No way would I give up knitting for my husband. If he doesn't love you and respect you for who you are, then he is the one who has to go. That is a form of control and it sends up a big red flag! You will be so unhappy if you are not knitting, that it, rather than not knitting, will cause the death of the marriage. In my opinion, the marriage is over already. What will be the next thing that he will want to control - that you are crunching on your snacks too loud, so no more snacks?


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## kathleen40

This is emotional blackmail. Please don't give up your knitting ( much and all as I would love your stash). What is he prepared to do for you in return?? not much I reckon. Be true to yourself. If you enjoy knitting then keep at it 
Best of luck


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## sinead

Cannot add anything to what has already been said - we are all of the same mind. What were you thinking of when you decided to give up knitting. . . no man is worth that . . . and his objections to your craft are ridiculous. Try to tune him out and increase your number of projects, buying of yarn etc. etc.


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## knitfan007

Better do a double check on the relationship - maybe some counseling to find out what really is going on.


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## kathleen40

No, scottishlass, you lucked in. Good for you


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## GlendaO

I'm not sure how long you've been married but learning to live with someone full time on a permanent basis definite requires work and give and take on both sides. I've now been married almost 35 years and there were definitely times when things weren't fantastic but we learned how to communicate better over time. Occasionally there are still issues but we've learned when to back off.......not back down!
You definitely should not give up your knitting! Perhaps you need to print out your initial post and leave it somewhere for him to read. Suggest that he go somewhere else if the noise is bothering him. Seperate seats on the flight......I could answer each point but you get the idea!


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## scottishlass

kathleen40 said:


> No, scottishlass, you lucked in. Good for you


Yes you have that right Thank You :thumbup:


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## gsbyrge

Get rid of the hubby. Knitting gives MUCH more pleasure.


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## Taillta

Stick with the knitting and lose the husband. He will only make you give up anything you try to do for yourself...its knitting at the moment, but it will be other things. Draw a line in the sand and keep knitting. Take the three sweaters you knit for him and donate them or gift them to other people and don;t knit anything for him again. He wants you dependent and utterly focused him. Do yourself a favor and don;t do it. Knitting gives you peace and nurtures your Spirit...don;t give it up. (sorry if this was a bit sharp. You are not the only woman I know right now who's husband is throwing tantrums becouse she has other interests. GRRRRRRRRRRRR!)


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## Etoile700

I am married to a contolling man, he controls me by pouting, he does not tell me what I am doing wrong in his estimation, but it is for me to figure out. That, of course is just as maddening as the other. I gave up worrying about it and stopped cooking for him, so now he is reevaluating the situation, at least I am gving him something to think about,if this does not work, I am leaving.


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## deborah337

Move your stuff to another room,all of it, that way, he won't have to see or hear you knitting, and he can sleep by himself. Don,t get mean just act like nothing is wrong. He'll get the message!


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## Strickliese

That is too bad. Do not - I mean under any circumstances - give up your hobby. Everynone should have some outside interests. It keeps us sane. 

I think he is jealous that you have interests other than your marriage to him. He want your undivided attention 24/7 or as much of it as he can get while you are not working.

Don't give in - please. Keep knitting.


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## nhauf001

Never give up! -- I know men find out buttons, but . . . I knit so I don't kill someone. I've seen it on a plaque somewhere, if anyone ever needed it you do! -- Honestly, he did say 'for better or worse' didn't he? Tell him he is lucky if this is the worse. 

I told my husband, if he tried to make me quit knitting, I would shoot him. I wouldn't really, but made him curious. after reading the list, he said he would clean out the under the stairs closet so I'd another spot to store some of my stash (I'd been searching for odd balls, making dead fish hats). He's a keeper.

Women have more patience than men. I honestly believe that you can train him, like someone else suggested. You might consider leaving the house each night for an hour to go knit, so you don't disturb him. You will be unavailable for an hour or so, but . . . at least he will be able to concentrate.

Hugs to you, sounds like you can use some.

Naomi


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## sczyx

So you give up knitting, what will be next? This could be the start of a slippery slope.


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## Sewbizgirl

Wow. I can see why this topic racked up 19 pages of replies in just one day.

I would say this marriage is not long for this world, so don't give away your knitting stuff. Just store it, if you will... Your husband is ultra critical of you and it won't stop when you give up knitting. That's not going to solve your very deep problem with him. He doesn't respect you as the unique and special person you are. I am really sorry to say this but I can't see a marriage working when there is a lack of mutual respect.

It isn't knitting that's the problem in your marriage... it's respect.


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## helenlou

Don't quit knitting for anyone. How dare he dictate what you can and cannot do. He will just find something else to complain about.


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## taborhills

What is a dead fish hat. please?


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## I. Heart Knitting

Sit him down and have him read all these responses! Hopefully he'll get the message and some help.

That being said, there are some seriously less dramatic suggestions on these pages. Just don't give up the knitting and don't let him control you. My heart goes out to you as knitting has virtually saved my life.... Perhaps you can find a professional to help you figure out how to take better care of yourself if he won't change...... Sometimes that's all we can do.


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## cheyenne620

I had(repeat had) a abusive controlling husband like that. The only good thing that came out of that marriage was my 2 children.


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## ninal46

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


~~~~~~~~~~
My heart goes out to you ... how attached are you to him? Sorry, just a thought


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## mumofkate

Oh dear, so sorry you are in the position. Many of us have these sort of troubles, but as has already been said, if he loved you enough to marry the person that you were then, he ought to be happy to be with the person that you still are.
This emotional blackmail and you shouldn't give in to it.
Please try to talk to him sensibly and if he doesn't like the way things are SHOW HIM THE DOOR ! Be happy, and keep knitting. Good luck. xx


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## M49

do not give up, this man is so insecure, and jealous and in time you will really resent his controlling.
good luck


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## karenwhipple

Sorry, but peole who have a personality to complain will do so. If you give up your knitting ,he will transfer his complaining to something else. I guess your best bet is how to deal with the complaining since it is not going to go away. I am sure he has some other endearing qualities .Please don't give up your knitting .I am sure you will regret it ,and internally be bitter towards your husband for making you do it


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## TexCat

Please, please consider counseling with him or Divorce. He is exhibiting all the symptoms of an abuser and it will only get worse. Many cut their spouses friends out of their lives then move on to harsher and worse actions.

Knitting is a HOBBY! His desire to control this part of your life if just a symptom of a control issue.

New relationships need time to grow and develop, but this soon in things aren't looking good.

Right now it may be your friends or knitting, but later it will escalate. I've seen two friends go through something like this. It took total isolation from friends and family and a 911 call for the one gal to wake up. (at this point she was so battered by an unprecedented beating that she almost DIDN'T wake up)

I'm not saying that's your spouse. I just saying you have to protect yourself and counseling is a good start.

Try getting him hooked on "Halo4" or some other mindless, worthless video game. LOL

Good luck and take care.


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## jacqui_c

20 pages of support, just about says it all.


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## MarionP

I agree with all of you all. He is a control freak. Don't give up what you love to do. He is jealous of the time you are spending doing your second love. My husband was like that for a while. I mean he came up with every excuse he could think of for me to stop knitting. Did I stop, NO! I told him if you don't like what I am doing don't watch, don't even be in the same room with me, won't hurt my feelings. He has stop making all of his comments, and has learned to live with it. Everything is fine now. Some men just get jealous of everything, whether it be another man, hobbies, it doesn't matter what it is. Hang in there. You are making more then enough money to afford your hobby without his help. Don't let him control you, that is not going to make you happy or him.


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## sandymac

Don't do it ,don't do it,give up the husband.


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## beejay

Bummer! How can you tolerate a bully like that. You appear to be able to be self supporting. I'd dump him and fast.After you give up knitting what will be next?


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## MindyT

Wow, for someone who makes $80,000 a year, you need to invest in a spine not more yarn, and some good marriage counseling. He sounds like a controlling, envious of your hobby type. People like that don't get better with age like a good red wine, they get more controlling the more you give in. An hour a day is nothing to give to a hobby, and if you two are not seeing eye to eye on that, my husband and I call it a " burnt bacon argument". Meaning you are not arguing about this morning's burnt bacon, it is totally about some underlying issue/s. my psychologist friend would say, "take a walk with him (men do better outside moving, instead of trapped across the table). Tell him you love him dearly, and you know things have been a little rocky recently. Ask him what he would like to do or have you do about the knitting. And then listen to his ideas with an open mind". You will get a good idea of where you stand right here and now, then ask yourself, if nothing changed from how it is today, could you live like this forever. That should help a lot and give you peace of mind one way or the other. Don't give up the yarn (or the relationship) yet!
MindyT


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## sandymac

Don't do it ,don't do it,give up the husband.


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## 1artist

In a kindly way, why did you marry him in the first place, he had to know you love to knit. so sorry for the discomfort he is causing but tell him to butt out and find a hobby of his own. an empty mind and hands are the devil's workshop. sounds like he is having a field day with your H (not DH)


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## junebjh

He is the one with the problem so needs a solution to it. If knitting makes you happy you won't be happy if you give it up. Perhaps show him this thread :wink:


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## bu1201

No do not give it up. It is your passion. Do not let anyone break your spirit!


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## dschwan

I would knit and I cord and strangle him with it !!! LOL


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## rkr

Dear yover8, you've obviously thought this situation out very thoroughly! This is a very carefully laid out manifesto... and you'll note that not a one of us has chosen a single needle or skein from your stash. They're yours! 
You earned them and they should stay with you, right where it sounds like you obviously have everything very carefully under control.. in fact, it sounds very very much as if you keep your stash under constraints, unlike many of us who have stuff tucked away everywhere. (And I'm wondering if this is part of your normal nature or part of what living with your Husband has turned the situation into?) 
In looking at this topic's page count, I see that I'm new-to-the-party and that there are now 20 pages of comments. I'll continue to read and see if anyone else has convinced you to have a long talk with your Husband about Relationships: yours, I think, is something you're asking us for affirmation of, as in - Am I out-of-line-here-in-my-thinking-or-is-he?
Fold away that white flag!

PS - I LOVE MindyT's response!!! And you only have to look at all of the bright red ONLINEs in our avatars to see how many of us are 'live' at any given time, in your corner and watching! We can only look in from the outside and hope we'd make a wise decision if this were ourselves, not knowing your particular circumstances. We wish only the very BEST for a knitting sister ~ Please keep us posted!
Bobbie
(PPS, and as another member wrote - In reading farther on both before my answer and after - I, too, hope now that this was just a bit of Halloween fun!)


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## sdkroos

Knit when he is watching tv, especially sports or worse sports analyzing shows. Point out that you consider that a waste of time. Once and only once, my husband suggested that all I really needed was one pair of needles and one ball of yarn. I repied ," Then all you need to golf is one club and one ball."
No further comment. You husband needs a hobby and when he complains about not doing things with him, drop your needles and say, "Great what did you have in mind? I'm ready." Odds are he has no clue and may get the point.


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## Junelouise

phamaluk said:


> Oh no, that is too sad! Instead of making it a final decision, why not just put it all away securely for awhile and see what he says! My bet he'll have something else to complain about. I'd put it away totally out of sight and say nothing!!! That's an investment you'd hate to have to try to recover. He may just change his mind when he sees you suffering in silence (and empty handed)!


Excuse me? Why should she suffer at all!! Just say NO! and if he gives you a hard time..tell him "don't let the door hit you in the butt on your way out!"

June


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## sandy2

Hee hee hee......... Show him what you can be like without the serenity of your knitting. You could become very edgy and irritable - enough that he'll beg you to pick up your needles again. ;-)


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## GudrunM

I was so sad for you when I read this. No one has a right to take your joy away. He gets to learn to respect you. 
I hope that you will always continue to do what gives you joy.


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## eraineuk

Hi,
OK so you give up knitting this week. What are you going to give up next week?
Yours, Ellen


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## dingo

Please don't give up your knitting. This is probably not the only thing he will want to control. If the knitting is gone you will be bereft.


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## yankeecatlady

The longer you allow yourself to be treated like this, the worse it will get.


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## loveseat

Hello,
PLEASE don't give up your knitting, it is a gift
from God that you CAN knit. If you give it up what will
you have to give up next??? Hang in there and re-read
all the replies again if you have to.
Loveseat from Michigan


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## priscillaphillips

A Southern lady in distress. My input is this, ask him if he prefers that you have a hobby outside the house such as bar hopping or the like. And tell him how much he means to you flattery always works with men. Never give up what you want don't let anyone define who you are but you.


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## U P Sue

If you give knitting up, what will you have to give up next to keep you under his control, did I mention I am single????! Please find some balance so you can enjoy your hobbies and life with him also. You deserve to be happy.


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## inishowen

You could the knitting away for a while, then start pacing the floor in front of him, sighing a lot, changing the tv channels continuously, generally acting like a spoilt, bored man. He might think twice about his ban on knitting.


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## 43MLMMcD

Unbelievable that you would let your hubby "win" over you love of knitting! He definitely has "issues" and might benefit from some therapy, which he would probably refuse to participate in. Life it too short to have to deal with such bullying all the time.


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## cjssr

Don't give up your knitting. Why should you give up something you love to do in "your spare time". If you give in on this subject, it will be the same for everything. Stand your ground girl! He's the one with a problem.


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## aruma3

I honestly hope you are just sending a little humor our way.


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## Sherilee

NO...NO...NO...
Lady - don't let him CONTROL!!!!! you like that...don't make him ANYTHING... if you give in, he wins. that's not right. If he doesn't have a hobby - heck, that's not your fault - that's his problem. You have a life to do things you enjoy...it makes me so upset that he is doing you like that.

DON'T LET HIM WIN!!!Let him know that is what you like to do and it will still be what you want to do... I know if he could see some of our rooms holding all our yarn, needles and patterns, he would leave you alone!!! HA!HA!

we will all be praying for you to do the right thing. Just enjoy yourself..God Bless You!!!


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## kathleen40

I think most of us agree that you need to compromise or get help good luck


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## grandheart

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


my daughter asked her father my ex just before he died " why did you leave Mom " he told her " I could not stand the sound of the knitting needles" funny if I had known that I would have maybe used them a different way. hahah


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## k1p1s1psso

Dump him, you'll regret if you don't. If you give way he will simply transfer his gripes to another topic.


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## ayjay

Oh I see the green eyed monster poking his head up!
How long have you been married?
I guess I am just stubborn, I wouldn't want to be controlled like that.
I would give up husband before I would give up my knitting(just kidding.) Can you go into another room and knit? I guess if he was my husband he would just have to come to terms with it.
Marry me, Marry my knitting. To loud, you have got to be kidding me. Other nationalities have complete control, maybe he isn't ready to be americanised. A funny thought just came into my head. "It is a real good thing he isn't married to my daughter!"


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## Cpautler

He married a knitter for Pete's sake! I wouldn't give up a lifelong love without a fight. What is HE giving up in all this, besides his wife's sanity?


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## Ronie

oh my gosh.... there are 22 pages in this post and I just woke up... 
I don't even know if you are going to be able to read this... but don't divorce your man over a hobby... in the long run how silly would that be.. I am sure the 2 of you love each other and he just wants to spend time with you and he feels like you are ignoring him...
Come now ladies how many of us would like to sit and have a nice conversation with our hubby's but they are entranced in a foot ball game??? or sitting on the computer playing games?? and we feel like if they loved us they would give us some attention... but its life.. we work hard and need to relax.
Yover8 is there anyway you could knit while he is busy? or at a time when he is not at home? I seriously would try to work it out.. you have known this man long enough to knit him 3 sweaters and have children that are in school... you must have some kind of communication... I wish you luck... Ronie


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## mlsolcz

Someone who loves and respects a person would support and nurture that person and her interests. Just sayin'.


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## pattibe

Kick that a-hole to the curb and get on with your life. My husband just laughs when yet another box of yarn arrives at the door. A set of $100 circular needles? You want them, buy them! You want to go to knitting camp? I'll miss you but I want you to have fun. That's my husband! Every knitter deserves one just like him. And it isn't just knitting. He loves me, children, animals and all the beautiful sweaters, vests and etc. That I make for him. I would nominate him for sainthood, but we're Jewish.


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## Knitwitgma

I hope that you do not give in to his controlling behaviors. He has no right to tell you what you can do or not do as long as it is not hurting anyone. If you give in to him this time, what will be next? Knitting gives you pleasure and relieves stress. It appears he is jealous of the time you spend knitting which is a very immature attitude. You do not need to change, he does. If you do not feel you can get through to him, get a third party involved, a friend, relative or someone unbiased...even a counselor. Do give up your knitting ...you deserve it and more


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## Lily Anne

7:30 a.m. and I am angry! Do not give up your knitting. Sounds as if anything you do, other than paying 100% attention to him, would be annoying to this person. 

Your life is your own to live; you earn your own way. I got the same thing for reading! Hang in and know that people all over the world, armed with needles, circular or otherwise, are behind you!


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## christiliz

He knew you knitted when he met you. Life's too short to be so unhappy and miseraable. You'll end up hating him. Keep the needles, ditch the spouse.


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## cgoodendorf

Keep the yarn. Get rid of the husband.


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## Susabella

He has you convinced that you are WRONG! Think seriously about that. Why are you wrong and not he? This is such a classic case of bullying. Don't allow it. Stand up for yourself!


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## Diana Blevins

Are you looking to sell your stuff?


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## brownc

I think you need to design a pattern, using bulky yarn & large needles for speed, of course, for a funeral shroud that would fit him. Nothing fancy, no cables, yarn overs, etc. And use a synthetic, for Pete's sake! :hunf:


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## Lore Bews

Please do not give up your form of relaxation and entertainment because of someone else. You have only 1 life to live so live it! And he should not be allowed to live his life and yours too!


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## koalablue

What is it your husband wants from you? what does he do after work? does he have hobbies? or is he one of those that sits on the couch and twiddles his thumbs, is he so bored that he has to pick on you? does he feel neglected, is there any conversations between you and your husband or is there frustration on his part for some other reason or is he the kind that loves drama? is it just plain jealously? He sees you at peace and happy and enjoying your hobby something he can't stand. NO, don't give up your knitting because of him if you do THEN WHAT? NEVER let a man control you go ahead and knit to your hearts content Let him burn in his own discontent HE"S the one that has a problem. You go girl be happy, life's too short.


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## Nance6

I too have this type of husband, hates yarn, knitting,crocheting, waste of my time. My sympathy to you, I refuse to give up my hobbies. Hope things work out for you.


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## jangmb

I had a lovely beautiful stong sister-in-law. She was married to the type of person you describe in your post. She kept giving in to his demands - she helped him repair his vehicles and ended up with "wrenches' in her face many a time. (that was his story and he was sticking to it). She met his first demands only to find that each cave in meant only one more demand. I now know how strong beautiful women become victims of abuse.


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## margie1992

Are you serious? You are allowing this man to emotionally abuse you.


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## poverbaugh

I'd probably try to give up the "not so" DH and keep the needles, yarn and patterns


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## Cathy60

OMG! Tell him to shut up! I also had a husband (more like big baby) like this, couldn't read, knit, do needlework etc. when he was around. He, however could do, spend, run, drink all he wanted. Once the kids got out of the house, save one, I left and I was nowhere near the earning power you have! There will always be something you do or don't do that will bother him/he won't like. So be the big girl you are and kick him to the curb or get out yourself. I think it would be funny if you mentioned his dislike of your knitting to his mother, see what she says/does. Seriously it's quiet around here.....lol


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## Scoot915

I have never been married but have lived with several men over the years. Each one of them objected to my knitting at first, but that ended quickly and they eventually accepted it.
All of then even ended up helping me at various times by winding yarn, holding parts while blocking etc.

With the exception of one time when after knitting in bed while watching TV I accidentally left a needle in the bed and it stabbed one boyfriend in the ass they all survived my knitting unscathed.

Don't give up you knitting for him. The overwhelming response to your post unanimously giving you the same advise should give you strength to do the right thing. 

PS: the guy deserved being stabbed in the ass and I sort of regret it was a accident and I didn't do it myself lol


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## charliz

So sad. Knitting is much more relaxing than a husband!!! So Whens the sale?


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## cathyknits

Wow! I haven't read all 20-odd pages but do you feel the support? One suggestion that may have come in from someone else... If he doesn't bully her, too, talk to his mother. Having her in your corner you may strengthen your position.


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## riggy

I have complete sympathy, I've got one like that too, and yes he doesn't have any hobbies. What is it with men that they are so intolerant


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## Knitry

I'm going to be blunt, without reading any of the other responses so far (23 pages):

*YOU are in an abusive relationship and it will only get worse. Get help and get out. There's no man worth it.*


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## Janet Odell

If you give up your hobby...something that brings you joy and serenity, you give up a part of yourself. No loving and understanding person let alone husband, should ask that of another. I am so sorry for your dilemma. You must handle it now...train him or get out of the relationship.


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## susan skipp

Do not give in .Iam married second time to a control freak,just like you got. But will be damn if I will give in if he had his way I will be like a sombie


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## dianaiad

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


You are thinking about giving up the wrong thing. it's not the KNITTING you need to kick to the curb.


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## VCenter

Please do NOT give up what you love. I know that knitting or creating is my sanity. You deserve to do what you enjoy, life is too short. Good Luck.


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## Gloria1008

yover8, life is to short to be TOLD what you can or can't do by a spouse. Let him know that the knitting is calming and allows you to be peaceful with his attitude towards you. Offer to teach him. Tell him you were a knitter before he met you and you'll be a knitter after he's gone. Besure heknowsyou love him as you tell him this also be knitting as you talk with him.


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## dkwolf

yover8, i was flapper~ghasted when i was reading this. darlin', i'm wondering if he is annoyed with these things, then is he also annoyed with other aspects of you? that seems wrong, just wrong. i know what it is like being with someone who insists they love you, yet twists all you like to be faults instead of appreciating the person YOU are. this is awful. please rethink your situation and know the problem isn't knitting. please, Please, PLEASE realize how very special and unique and worthy you are.


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## smclain

If you are giving away the circs I am very interested.


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## callmechicken

offer to teach him how to knit, so he can help you with all your pending projects. he'll end up loving it as much as you do. lots of men knit. show him the videos of men knitting on youtube.


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## John's old lady

Wow, this has grown 4 pages since I started reading it! Take your sisters' advice to heart. There are worse things than being alone; I don't see much future in this relationship.


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## Viking-knits

Seriously I'm not nosy but reading that his side of the family is speaking another language then you do, I start to wonder where he is from originally. It is * beyond * rude to sit and have a conversation in a language everybody in the group understands but your own wife, talk me about being set aside !!! *UNBELIEVABLE * 
There are countries where boys are raised to take control and women have no say. Sad as it is, that might be the problem.

If it is him wanting attention he needs to trade his pampers for a pair of grown man's pants. :hunf:


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## lynnwoodbabe

Tell him that you will trade in the needles for horses or another $$$ hobby


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## Mumah

That is such a shame your hubby feels like that. If he doesnt like your collection of stuff, then he wont like mine either .I have bags and bags of patterns, bags and MORE bags of wool,and to top that several projects on the go at the same time.My lovely partner puts up with my 'mess' cos he knows it makes me happy, and that's how it should be. Don't give it all up, do what you love doing :thumbup: :-D


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## Friederike

I am begging you....DO NOT GIVE UP KNITTING !!! If you give up knitting I suspect it will only be something else your husband will not like or criticise about you and what you do. It is quite possible that, no matter what you do, it will never be right for him. Him criticising you about knitting may, in reality, have nothing to do with knitting. I would NOT give up knitting ! I know what I'd give up !!!!! :evil:


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## FrannyGrace

You DO realize that once you give in to this he will just look for something else to complain about and because he knows you caved in to his whining before it will only get worse! I suggest counseling--for just you if you can't get him to go. You are in my prayers!


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## Juleen

This may not apply to your situation, but, the one time hubby said something about how much money I spent on yarn, I smiled sweetly and said, "not as much as you spend on golf!". Hasn't said a word since then!


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## bookladychris

Dump the husband, keep the knitting.


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## Lills

I'm so sorry you feel so brow beaten. I wonder if you could 'give' your stash to a friend to hide for you. Then sit and do nothing but sigh and interrupt him and his relatives with 'I'm sorry' you're not speaking English again - please translate for me dear'. Make yourself as big a nuisance as you can for a while. Perhaps he'll be delighted for you to knit if it gets you out of his hair! It's really hard to love someone who is very controlling, please try not to lose the essence of you into what may welcome nothing more than servitude. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN ALL THE CONTROL FREAKS. .. OR THE KNITTING. .. IN THE WORLD. Hugs for you and a sly kick for him! ;-) Please PM if you could use some support!


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## joy ann

Please don't give up what you love. You will only resent it and him later! You certainly don't sound like knitting is controlling you but someone else is trying to do that. PRAY PRAY PRAY for that man! Get ..Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie...read it than pray it....it works, I am a witness to it and have 37 years experience in this husband stuff!


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## emily'sgran

Please, PLEASE don't give up. I suspect you have been knitting much longer than you have known your husband. For me it is also a health matter as knitting actually lowers my blood pressure. If I didn't knit I probably wouldn't be here! If he loves you he must want you to be happy and healthy.


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## angelus

Please do Not give up ur knitting. My ex was an extreme control freak, & believe me I could kick myself for letting him get away with it. Ive always regretted letting him get away with it. I got rid of a lot of things that,i will never be able to recover, just to please him=made not one bit of difference! Please Dont get rid of ur knitting items. Will keep u in my thoughts.


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## RavinRed

you come with all your "baggage" too bad he doesn't like it - he should have thought about that before he married you! 

You are ENTITLED!!!! to your hobbies and time to do what you like. He is a boring old fart if he thinks otherwise. I am sure that if he played golf (you did not mention a hobby for him) you would not get in the way of his doing what he enjoys. Now I am thinking....maybe he should play golf ...that would be 4 hours of peace and quite where you could knit without being disturbed!


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## Maddy

Please do not give up something that you have enjoyed. I personally credit knitting with saving my sanity over the years and have brought that knowledge to many other non-knitters who agree that it is a calming influence in their lives. You say he is a relatively new spouse well when you marry you are supposed to accept the whole person, and that probably is what has made you who you are today. 

If I were you I would just continue on and just let his complaints wander where they may and don't accept them as a personal criticism. From what you were saying I could tell the fondness you feel for the art and everything about our wonderful world of knitting.

So, please continue on and banish those thoughts of giving away your treasures, only time will tell if he can just forget about his pettiness concerning your hobby, but after all is said and done, it is YOUR hobby and not his, Peace and Love to you, Maddy


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## Tessa28

If I get it right he is a relatively new spouse, when he met you, you were a knitter, he married you, you were still a knitter. If he complains now remind of those facts and tell him to shut it. My ex told my brother the reason he had an affair was that I prefered my crafts to him, he was sharply told that I only did my knitting, fabric painting etc when he was out and craft fairs when he was away on business. Life is wonderful without him, but I will not give up my Knitting for anyone. Life is good, I have just got in from having lunch with my best friend and we are going to see Lionel Ritchie in concert in a couple of weeks and December is busy with parties with friends several of them are knitters too. Do not let him win he is acting like a spoilt brat.


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## Browniemom

Please do not give up a hobby that you love. Do not let your husband's ignorance control you. What is his problem. Knitting is a life long love of mine. Would not give it up for the world. What will your husband gain by forcing you to give up knitting? What are his true motives? :thumbup:


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## Bingy

I think you need to control yourself and do what is in your heart to do. If knitting allows you to be your happy self, expressing your creative side, then, by God, do it. If you feel you cannot live without being controlled by this man, get help quickly, for you will lose who you are completely.


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## Babie

Sorry you have to contend with that bully. My deceased husband was like that also, but I didn't give up my hobbies. It's jealousy and he's bored. Please don't give up.
babie


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## LadyBecket

DO NOT GIVE UP!!!! DO NOT GO SOFTLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT!!! What kind of a jerk did you marry and when are you getting rid of him!!! Didn't he know you knitted before you married him?? My husband loves it when I sit and knit while he watches TV or reads the paper. Are you rich? Did he marry you for money?? It certainly doesn't sound much like love!


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## Babie

Please don't give up, because of that bully. It's a shame that he is so jealous and bored. My deceased husband was like that and I told him to take a hike and didn't give up anything. Stand your ground.


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## Celt Knitter

That's a dictator, not a husband! If you throw in the needles on this , you are setting the pattern for your future with him. You are an independent woman, the woman he married. If you give in, you are neither independent, nor the woman he married. :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## Billings

Would he rather you hang out in a bar? Makes me SO grateful for my DH. He admires my finished projects & supports my interest in needlework.


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## Peg I M4

Keep knitting. Trash the man!!!


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## KathieMT

I WAS married to a person like that. when he started in on the kids, that was the end of that marriage. He will start with small things that he wants you to change, then he will be onto bigger things. No matter how you change, he will not be happy with you.
Time for a marriage counselor! If he won't go, go by yourself. If you don't have a cell phone, get one and carry it at all times and keep the local branch of abused women hotline number with you at all times. He behavior will escalate! Been there and won't allow it again!


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## nannyberfa

I am sooo sorry!! Dont give up!!!! Just ignore him. Mine does similar, but I keep on knitting.


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## vlvanslyke

Relationships are our true tests in this life. I just want to say this one thing to you: do not let demons (negative speaking envious of you having joy and peace in your life people) take your joy. You enjoy the art and the joy that it brings to others (even if he's not one of the happy) so put your big girl panties on and just give one of those Betty Davis smiles and KEEP STITCHING. When you are given a gift of skill you do not let it go for nothing or no one. This is your treasure keep it.

Happy stitches my sister!


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## jumbleburt

Wow! As I was reading more and more pages were added - I thought I'd never get to the end! Anyway, even though I've never been married (and don't regret it) I go along with most of the responders that you shouldn't give in to his bullying. Only you can know whether it's worth trying to save the marriage, but don't let him feel like he can dictate every aspect of your life.


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## teignmouth knitter

I think you need to have a long talk to this person. 
I lived for 25 years with one the same, at 50 years of age I Divorced him and have never looked back.
DO NOT waste your life on this person.
You should be HAPPY in your life.


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## sockyarn

This may not be nice but he is a control freak and no matter what you do it will not be okay with him. If you want to live the rest of your life that way then so be it. But it might be more fun to call him on it and tell him that you are not going to give up your knitting and he can just live with it. See what happen then. I would not give up my knitting for anyone. It would be "Hit the road Jack and don't come back". Life is tooooo short to put up with that kind of C**p. Be a door mat if you want but it will not be much fun.


yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


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## landmansmom

I agree with both Jessica-Jean & with ladysjk.He needs to change his thinking as you may be married but that does not meen your life must stop & you must do his bidding.You need some relaxing time as well as some private time for yourself or life will be miserable for you. Do not give in to him or he will win & then there will be other issues that will come up of which he needs to be master.My heart goes out to you & I will keep you in my prayers.Chin Up girl.


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## julielacykntr

Reality check is needed. Does he complain about your job, paycheck, prepared dinners, house cleaning, etc.? You are not his mother. You are his wife, and he should be supportive, loving, and considerate of language.


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## sewquilty

Possibly he has other redeeming qualities (said with tongue in cheek). 

I couldn't figure out your relationship with him, in the sense of I don't know if he's your husband or just a boyfriend. If you're married perhaps there are some reasons to remain together. If not there's certainly a lot of red flags in the relationship and you might want to question your commitment to the relationship (and his as well).


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## jean-bean

Words fail me. Why on earth did you marry this man?


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## taborhills

You don't need to be nominated to be a saint! They come in all faiths, and we are all called to be one. Look at the generosity of spirit that this initial posting evoked!


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## sues4hrts

Please do not cave in! My husband loves to be in controll, but he does not put me down in anyway. In fact he is my biggest fan. He does like to put in his two cents, but I've learned to just ignor him. Just last night he said how much he admires my tallent. Your husband is lucky to have to take care of him...he need to seek some help. He has no right to berate you. Stick to your guns and tell what he can do with his barberack ways!!!!


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## SandraM

Pages 26 and jumping higher second by second. The writing is on the 'wall' do not be bossed around by 
your husband - stand up for yourself, you have a brain and a life too.
Heaven forbid!!!


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## MarilynKnits

This is a man who loves power and control. If he loved you he would respect your interests and not bully you. Keep on knitting if you enjoy knitting. If his bullying escalates to assault, call the cops and sign a complaint. LEAVE and take your stash with you. If you give in to each escalating demand you will not be you any more, just a chattel. But be careful, because men like this are the most dangerous when their victims try to escape. When you leave, do not let him know where you live. If he harasses you at work, call the cops and sign a complaint. And again, be very careful to protect yourself from being hurt or killed. A woman who commands a well paying responsible job does not warrant being treated they way he is treating you.


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## cathy47

selfishness is in his corner. I would never give up anything I enjoy doing no matter what. And a marriage is 50/50 you can spend "his" money at least 50% the way you want. needles are noise..he has a mental issue. knit when he isn't home. He wants a maid and mommy. Is that who you are? What is he giving up that annoys you?


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## karla knoll

With all due respect don't let this negative person defeat you. I bet he will find something else to gripe about after you give up knitting. He needs an attitude adjustment.


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## cathy47

MarilynKnits said:


> This is a man who loves power and control. If he loved you he would respect your interests and not bully you. Keep on knitting if you enjoy knitting. If his bullying escalates to assault, call the cops and sign a complaint. LEAVE and take your stash with you. If you give in to each escalating demand you will not be you any more, just a chattel. But be careful, because men like this are the most dangerous when their victims try to escape. When you leave, do not let him know where you live. If he harasses you at work, call the cops and sign a complaint. And again, be very careful to protect yourself from being hurt or killed. A woman who commands a well paying responsible job does not warrant being treated they way he is treating you.


 :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## tulliver

Jealousy is awful and to be jealous of something as harmless as your partner knitting speaks volumes about this man. 
So you do what he wants and give up on your hobby what then? give him a few weeks and something else will set him off could be something as small as your shopping habits, could be something big like your family do you give up your family for him....no sister you do not. 
We have been married 50 years and the reason we are still together is tolerance and sharing.....sorry but your partner is not tolerant and neither does he share. I am a big believer in working hard at marriage and I hate to say it but with him you have nothing to work at.
Look at the big picture you give up knitting what then - do you spend each evening just sat listening to this big ego or perhaps you just have to sit and look at him? 
Just what is it he wants of you blind obedience?
Going to be some long long winter nights sat just looking at one another as if you cannot do anything then he cannot do anything either - fairs fair

Women went through hell to get equality dont let him steal it from you..... 

as another poster said start packing the pans......and the clothes and the wool stash or if its your home then start packing the shirts trousers etc etc. time to move on.


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## taborhills

cathy47 said:


> MarilynKnits said:
> 
> 
> 
> This is a man who loves power and control. If he loved you he would respect your interests and not bully you. Keep on knitting if you enjoy knitting. If his bullying escalates to assault, call the cops and sign a complaint. LEAVE and take your stash with you. If you give in to each escalating demand you will not be you any more, just a chattel. But be careful, because men like this are the most dangerous when their victims try to escape. When you leave, do not let him know where you live. If he harasses you at work, call the cops and sign a complaint. And again, be very careful to protect yourself from being hurt or killed. A woman who commands a well paying responsible job does not warrant being treated they way he is treating you.
> 
> 
> 
> :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:
Click to expand...


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## crazyquiltmom

I agree with others who have said that he is controlling. Only you can decide how you respond to him, but (I hate to cast aspersions on your spouse.) do not let this bully win.

Knitting, even when it is frustrating & I have frogged for the umpteenth time & I am tempted to throw the project across the room, is therapeutic & cheaper than therapy.

Take care of yourself.


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## Calicolee

I agree with this one. I have a room I go to. Mine complains about everything.


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## taborhills

A restraining order may not be enough to protect yourself, so please think through your plan B very thoroughly and take the steps necessary. Gas in car at all times, a small innocuous-looking "suitcase" there with toiletries, cash, change of clothes. Trusted friends, not gossips. Separate bank account.


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## yarnobsession

Having worked with Victim Services for many years - the relationship sounds one sided and he is being very verbally and mentally abusive - please, please either find a councellor for the both of you or you have a big decision to make. Do not give up your knitting.


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## Calicolee

Amen to that one!!!!!!


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## mangosalsa

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> There is more going on here than your knitting. Do not give it up.
> Give him up. You are independent financially. This will not stop at knitting.
> I bet he was all sweetness and light before you got married.
> I have been happily divorced for decades.
> Take care of yourself and to hell with him.


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## domesticgod

You know what they say, "I knit so I won't kill people" Tell him if you ever stop knitting, his life isn't worth a plugged nickel.


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## doris m russo

Dear Knitter friend: Please do not feel discouraged. Remember the book"men from Mars, Women from Venus".

If this is a hobby that tends to make you happy, Do It. People do not like what you do? Which I think is not true. Oh well, you thought of them, you spend your precious time doing something for a dear one, that's what it counts.

I just don't undestand how he can hear wood needles.

I am a big traveler 3 or 4 times a year. I knit on the plane, or while I wait for board the aircraft. It is not embarrasing. Embarrasing is seeing many men waiting and speaking loud, to someone they don't even know, making fools of themselves, do you rember the saying "The Ugly American".

Keep on Knitting. Be happy, this is America, free country, you can do anything you want to do
Doris


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## MKjane

I was saddened to read your story. I'm not going to offer advice -- only you know the best way forward. I just want to offer my sympathy and understanding.


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## Dot Bowyer

HE NEEDS A HOBBY!!!


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## clippedwings

Maybe you should trade him in for more yarn!


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## elaine_1

Reply from my long suffering husband is "tell him to grow up, there are far worse things you could be doing" My answere would be pretty much the same, if neccessary take a long bath (knitting bag in tow ), but honestly I would tell hiim to get a life and grow up.


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## Babslovesknitting

he is very very jealous of your hobby, don't give up. And don't make him anymore sweaters, make him a mouth mussle.


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## Fluffysmom

If you give up knitting, he will have won! I learned after being married for too many years, that he was a controlling and manipulative man. Sounds like your husband. If you find another hobby, he won't like that either. He will just find something else to harrass you about.Don't give up your stash. If he earns less than you, he's probably jealous. Youhave every right to spend your money anyway you wish. A stash of 100 skeins of yarn, isn't big.


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## STITCH124

Ok -- you're b/day is Jan. 8, mine is Jan. 5. We are Capricorns and avoid conflict at any cost. But...in this case....I would stand up for myself and say....look here....I like my hobby....if you don't like it....tough luck. If he has no hobbies, then he's bored out of his mind and he's taking it out on you. That's unacceptable. 

I'd buy my husband a set of earplugs and tell him to wear them when I knit...or make myself a corner in my bedroom where I can get away from him and have some peace and quiet of my own...without his griping. If friends come to visit and they want to see my knitting, I'm always happy to share. If they want to knit that's fine too. If it's a social visit, then I'd refrain until they were walking out the door, then I'd grab my needles and start knitting again. I always try to keep my knitting projects bundled up and out of the way, only because I don't want the dog or the grandkids to get at them and unravel them out of curiosity. I learned that the best way to curb stash is to give away to friends what I won't use, and only buy yarn when I have a project that I plan to start on in a couple weeks or sooner. That saves lots of money, and gives me more time to 'window shop' online. Save that money and buy a retreat weekend away from hubby!!! Lots of things to get around his selfish behavior...and still produce lovely items all for you and your friends....no more for hubby....he doesn't appreciate your talent. 

Tell him to be careful where he sits from now on...he may find a sharp double-pointed needle the hard way!!!!


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## andietom

There were 25 pages in this thread when I first opened it, and while I have only read about half of them it's clear you have the sympathy of many kind and caring people. Do not wave the white flag--there are too many red flags flying, and they are serious. And they have nothing to do with knitting. 

Please take all the steps necessary to protect yourself. If you have joined finances, pull out what you have put in during your brief marriage and deposit that money into a new account in your name only. Contact a lawyer immediately to discuss options--including things that you share as a joint obligation--leases, mortgage etc. Please make certain that you have memorized the location of the nearest women's shelter.

Once you have a safety plan firmly in place, sit down with your husband and be open about your concerns. If what is going on is a sudden change in behavior--drastically different from they way he was when you met and decided to marry--encourage him to get a complete health evaluation.

Tell him you will be seeking counseling and urge him to go with you. If he refuses and flies into a rage because you have questioned his authority, get out. Call the police if you have been threatened or harmed, and then call your attorney. 

If he agrees to counseling, there is a chance the relationship can be saved, but please realize that cultural patterns are deeply ingrained and some people are simply incapable of being in healthy relationships. I am praying for you.


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## m2hvnfn

As Jessica-Jean said: You are able to stand up for yourself. Please, do so. #10 IS THE PROBLEM ... HE IS JEALOUS OF WHAT YOU CAN DO AND OF WHAT HE CANNOT ... If he really loves you he wouldn't criticize what is comforting for you, he would encourage you!! Please keep on knitting ... we are all here for you! I fortunately have a hubby that loves me for what I do ... something to think about.


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## sockknitter

I rarely post but this really spoke to me. Do not give up your knitting! It will not change this man. His controlling, verbal abuse is only a symptom. The underlying cause is much deeper than what you see and even he does not know The cause. If you love him and want to stay married, get some counseling. If the love is gone, go see an attorney and file for divorce. I would venture to say alcohol is involved. Honey, for your own sanity, get some counseling yourself. I am praying for you. I certainly feel your pain.


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## cathy47

I just have to say this. I was married for 5 years to a man that acted the same way. It became physical when I went and used MY money I earned on a piece of furniture. Lets just say to this day if any Male puts a hand on me in anger he is taking his life in his own hands cause I swore no male no matter who will not live to see the next sun rise. I left this fool and got on my own. Back then we didn't have the services we have now, the courts didn't listen to us no one did not even my family. So I was alone and put down for doing what I did. If you ever seen the movie "The Burning Bed" that's how close it came for my now x. Its scary to get out on your own but the survive mode kicks in you can do anything you set your mind to do. 

Once you give up "self" your life is theirs and you will no longer exist. You have two choices...its all up to you.

the vows do not state to be controlled by one. It states to honor respect. You are one but not all. My x also controlled if I could buy yarn and other such supplies.. Be strong fight back..he is a bullie little boy. He needs his mama send him packing to her.


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## clgray

hear the same complaints but refuse to give in ...he can go up to his computer...he spends all his time there anyway just comes down to complain


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## gclemens

As I recall from The Liberated Woman's Bible:

"Verily I say unto you, A Woman Needs a Man Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle. 

If he can rub your feet, nuzzle your neck, tell you daily you are beautiful, love everything you do with your hands, then maybe occasionally, dear sister, allow him to sit on the edge of your bed.

For unto you was given the fruit of the ewe and acrylics to shape into the beautiful gifts of all for the glory of Woman, or Man if he has such a beautiful soul.

Give up your scrubbing, sister. Give up your dusting. But never forsake your bread, needles or hooks for the cloudy visions of others."

But then I'm a little weird.

This is love we do and love we share.


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## Earlene H

I would ask him if he would rather I be sitting on a bar stool in the nearest bar sucking down suds.. That is what I tell my husband... He got the idea.


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## quiltnqueen

wow, I have read through 8 pages of this thread and can't believe how much this touched a nerve. I was thinking back to when I first got married. I knitted before marriage and when he started complaining about my knitting, I told him that he knew what I was when he married me. He just didn't get it. Now 40 years later, he expects me to have a project. One time, we were traveling and he looked at me without my knitting and asked why I didn't have it. I told him I was giving him my complete attention. He stopped at the nearest Walmart to buy more yarn and needles to take on the trip. What a guy. Does he complain about my mess and the amount of money I spend on my hobby? Yes, but I have gotten over it and just make a joke of it. I am careful of the money I spend and he knows it. 
This sounds to me like a marriage that is working out the kinks. You say "relatively new" spouse. Didn't we all have to work out these issues? It takes time and lots of communication. If it doesn't resolve soon, please consider counseling.
But above all, do not give up your knitting. It IS cheaper than a psychiatrist! Good luck and prayers are with you.


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## hen

You put your points brilliantly. 
Don't give up. Yarn never offers criticism, always a friend, and knitting is what makes you "you".


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## Nana5

I always told my daughter.....and my 4 granddaughters that "unless he worships the ground you walk on.....walk away, there are tons of good guys that will treat you right, don't settle for less"......their Dad & Papa is a prime example of what a man should be like....caring, loving and happy when he makes me happy.....sounds sappy, but true! I married a man just like my Dad was! "If" he is willing to go to counseling and find out what the REAL problem is with HIM..then I would walk away, life is too short to stay with someone that makes you miserable and that is my opinion....hugs (think you need one!)


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## SHER HARLING

Wow! Isn't there someone (counselor, minister) who could help you work through this relationship problem? If you give up knitting will he want you to give up something else next?? Please don't give up yet. Sacrificing your creative spirit could lead to bitterness and emptiness in the years to come. Take it from one who knows. I gave in because I had little self esteem and detest conflict. Caving in just made it worse. My heart goes out to you!!!


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## Patty Sutter

My knitting is my therapy. It costs a LOT LESS than psychiatric therapy! 
I am afraid I would have made an I-cord and strangled him with it!
Try to find out something that might interest him and get him tools, books etc. for Christmas. My husband is trying wood carving, a good friend of his does beautiful work, so for his birthday I got him a set os beginner tools and 2 books. He doesn't have a lot of time right now but plans to do some carving during the long, cold, dark winter months.
Good Luck.


----------



## Dena Behrns

Number one - he is very jealous of you in general and your hobby. Number two - keep right on knitting anytime and anywhere. Number three - he is a very controlling person which is not a good thing. Number four - personally I wouldn't have him around. I know I am being very harsh but life is just too short for all the stupid crap.


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## taborhills

andietom said:


> There were 25 pages in this thread when I first opened it, and while I have only read about half of them it's clear you have the sympathy of many kind and caring people. Do not wave the white flag--there are too many red flags flying, and they are serious. And they have nothing to do with knitting.
> 
> Please take all the steps necessary to protect yourself. If you have joined finances, pull out what you have put in during your brief marriage and deposit that money into a new account in your name only. Contact a lawyer immediately to discuss options--including things that you share as a joint obligation--leases, mortgage etc. Please make certain that you have memorized the location of the nearest women's shelter.
> 
> Once you have a safety plan firmly in place, sit down with your husband and be open about your concerns. If what is going on is a sudden change in behavior--drastically different from they way he was when you met and decided to marry--encourage him to get a complete health evaluation.
> 
> Tell him you will be seeking counseling and urge him to go with you. If he refuses and flies into a rage because you have questioned his authority, get out. Call the police if you have been threatened or harmed, and then call your attorney.
> 
> If he agrees to counseling, there is a chance the relationship can be saved, but please realize that cultural patterns are deeply ingrained and some people are simply incapable of being in healthy relationships. I am praying for you.


----------



## Nana5

Nana5 said:


> I always told my daughter.....and my 4 granddaughters that "unless he worships the ground you walk on.....walk away, there are tons of good guys that will treat you right, don't settle for less"......their Dad & Papa is a prime example of what a man should be like....caring, loving and happy when he makes me happy.....sounds sappy, but true! I married a man just like my Dad was! "If" he is willing to go to counseling and find out what the REAL problem is with HIM..then I would walk away, life is too short to stay with someone that makes you miserable and that is my opinion....hugs (think you need one!)


meant "If he is willing to go to counseling and find out what the REAL problem is with HIM...then I would give him a chance" (need to proofread before I push the send button!! Thoughts come faster than I type, I think!)


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## Jane Dow

My husband tends to be controlling and jealous.....and he hated listening to the click of the needles also. I finally quit knitting and the family couldn't believe I'd do that. Some one of them finally "got to him" and explained how unfair and stupid he was. I never found out who did that, but I love him/her for it. He stopped complaining.
We bought a split level house years later and guess what!!! I have my own "lady" cave with lots and lots of yarn, needles, clicks, and the computer to download the Forum and patterns. I won!!! 
He is still with me but in the livingroom by himself watching sports....ugh!!!


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## Laura R

A wise friend once told me: "How it starts out is how it's always going to be." She was right.

You're a self-sufficient knitter. You get to decide whether you want a control freak or peace of mind.

No one walks on us unless we allow it.

I'm rooting for you.


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## m2hvnfn

I have an extra bedroom if you want to come to Michigan for a break!


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## riggy

Knitry said:


> I'm going to be blunt, without reading any of the other responses so far (23 pages):
> 
> *YOU are in an abusive relationship and it will only get worse. Get help and get out. There's no man worth it.*


After 30 years and two kids its dam difficult


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## shiradon

Knitting.is meditation and good for the soul as well as it is you and yours. It is a part of you. I hear how defeated you feel. Sounds like mental Abuse. Others can not see the bruising. It is within. Only you can decide but we hope you will continue the awesome art of knitting


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## busiucarol

Jessica Jean said it all. Hang in there, We've come a long way!


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## riggy

m2hvnfn said:


> I have an extra bedroom if you want to come to Michigan for a break!


wow that's tempting


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## bobbianne

Obviously you have received a concesus of opinion here- please follow it. Do not give up your knitting. If you are concerned with keeping the peace ( contrary to what many others think about this behavior) - knit when he isn't around and DO NOT MAKE ANYTHING FOR HIM. Please don't deny those other loved ones of yours who like and appreciate your knitting efforts. Knitting is something that you like to do and obviously relieves your other stress in life and I agree with another comment - it is less expensive than therapy. Wishing you well.


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## jellybeaner

He sounds like my exhusband who gave some of the same reasons to have another woman (especially #11). Now I'm able to knit & sew whatever. Oh, now he wants me to make him a suit & sweater like the one I did years ago. LOL.


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## Lyndee

wow! I would give up THAT husband before I gave up something I am passionate about...


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## missyern

Please do not give up your knitting. Also, I don't believe "counseling" will be effective. I good loud "NO" would be a clearer message. I disagree with "How it starts out is how it will be. Mine was controlling too. He was 23 and I was 16. It took me 18 months to make him understand it was NOT going to be that way. We have been married 63 years. He just asks - what are you making now?


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## Dohuga

I would NOT give up knitting for someone else. I spent 19 years with a controlling man, divorced him, stayed apart for one year, lived with him for the following 7 and then married him again for tax purposes. I love him but Trust me, he is no longer controlling. He no longer tries. He knows I will walk out in a minute, even if it means dragging my oxygen tank and knitting bag behind me. Do NOT give in to controlling men. No relationship is good if you have to give up parts of yourself to maintain it. NO ONE is worth it.


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## Alvin

Before giving up knitting thinkwhat you would be happier with ----------- Him-----or -------Knitting!!!!!!

By the way I am a 73 YO Man.


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## STITCH124

Wait --- 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not

What the hell does he do, when he's not complaining about something as 'useless' as knitting....he needs to get a life...and let you live yours....man....he's got a lot of nerve!!!


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## KnitterNatalie

Jessica-Jean said:


> No. Do not raise the white flag! If you can't or won't ditch the heartless man, then just tell him it's cheaper than psychotherapy ... and that maybe _he_ should begin seeing a shrink!
> 
> I sympathise with you, but really do not think that you should throw in the towel. You are being bullied, as much as a 16-year-old girl who lets some brainless hunk dictate to her what clothes she wears, where she goes, who she sees. However, you are more experienced that any teenager. You *are* _able_ to stand up for yourself. Please, do so.


I totally agree with Jessica Jean!! You will begin resenting this husband because HE is the reason you had to stop knitting. Oh by the way, since he's NOT wearing his 3 sweaters...recycle the yarn and make something for someone who will wear what you knit...don't waste the good yarn!!


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## smsgreeneyes

Yazzy said:


> Please - don't give up your knitting. Once that is gone - what will he demand you give up next? You have rights too and doing something you enjoy is one of them. What if you demanded he give up watching TV - would he agree to that?
> NO - don't do it!


Yes, be careful what you give up.....the next thing might be your job, your family, your friends. Pretty soon you are isolated and cannot escape.


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## ultrahiggs

no dont you dare !!!!!!!!!!!! Tell himm to get a hobby cos he is jealous of yours and knitting is very artistic, if that doesnt work, bring all your stuff into the living room and let him live in the garden shed :-D


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## Gundi2

Keep the Yarn, get rid of the husband.


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## beejayil

I suggest marriage counselling. If he won't go (probably embarassed about his attitude), go yourself. Do not go to your clergyperson, since there would be a bit of bias there, one way or the other. Find a good marriage/family counsellor and have at it. Much cheaper and less damaging than a divorce. Blessings on you.


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## LaLaWa

There are other places to knit, like a yarn shop, library, park or mall or at a friend's house. Find somewhere that's comfortable where you enjoy the interaction with others (or lack of interaction with others) and let him notice your absence.


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## K. Bauer

vermontmary said:


> I doubt that knitting is the real problem ... Maybe you're so busy that he never feels he has your undivided attention. Can you create some "together" time that's separate from individual times? He sounds pretty insecure!


You have certainly opened the flood gates (28 pages).

Insecure is a key word. I was married for 25 years to a man who found reasons to complain about and put everything I did down. He was mentally abusive to our two children and me. I found out after I divorced him and went to therapy that he had all the traits of an insure person. The better I did something, or the more I liked it, the more he put it down. So is this a clue: You make a good salary, does his match. You have time for a hobby why doesn't he? What else is he finding to complain about, I would bet there are other things.

Please get yourself some help - believe me and everyone else who has advised you - this is not about your knitting, it is about him and his control issues, you can't change what he says or does but you need to learn how YOU need to react before it gets worse.
Giving up is never an answer, compromise might be.


----------



## KnitterNatalie

Jessica-Jean said:


> ladysjk said:
> 
> 
> 
> I was, the key word is was, married to a man like this. My hobbies were a waste of my time, yet he played video games. My friends only used me for what they could get, yet I had to force him to get off his lazy butt and get a job, or there would be nothing for him to eat etc, My family hated him therefore I could not see them, that was not true at the point he said it..if we went to the store, or anywhere I couldn't look at anyone of the opposite sex or I was flirting...lots more..that marriage last less than 2 yrs. Did I give up my hobbies, friends, family or vision..Heck no...I gave him up. I think I would have killed him if not for my hobbies, this is emotional, and mental abuse..you are who you are, don't try to change that or you will become bitter, and hateful. If he loved you enough to marry you the way you are, then why is he trying to change you?? You are still the woman he knew and loved. This needs some serious discussion between the two of you with no accusations, or fault finding. Just a good ole fashion conversations about what is REALLY bothering him, what the REAL problem with you is...Good luck
> 
> 
> 
> :thumbup: Not what the real problem with _you_ is, but what the real problem is with the *relationship*.
Click to expand...

AMEN!!!


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## san100

hmmmm, if he is a relatively new spouse did you not knit before you were married? I cannot imagine that this is the only issue. He is jealous, immature and selfish.
it WILL NOT GET BETTER


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## STITCH124

By the way, I live in Atlanta and have never been to Savannah...I'd love to come and see you for a visit...We can sit in your living room and knit. Just let him say one word to me about how knitting is a waste of time, and I'll tell him a thing or two..........

If you want to get together please let me know, I'm very serious!! PM me....


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## KnitterNatalie

cakes said:


> shame on you...he has to go.................far far away.
> 
> I am not kidding. no food for him fr the next week.
> 
> he is very lucky he does not live with me!


LOL...LOVE your response!! Could not have said it better myself!


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## lynnie2

Please dont give it up yet , just take a small break and when he least expect it start again. If he is making you sell any of your stuff let me know . Put please do what makes you happy.


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## Isabel

Please get some counseling for dealing with this. If you don't find a counselor right away whom you can really connect with, find another. Or go to the library or on Amazon, there are hundreds of books out there on dealing with difficult people. The problem is not your hobby. You are being abused. If you quit knitting, it would be something else. You can't "make" someone happy who doesn't want to be happy. Begin to imagine (practice this!) that you are NOT a victim, and see yourself taking charge of at least some freedom.


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## bjperritte

I understand exactly what you are going through. I was married to a man that was controlling. He not only controlled me, but also our son and daughter(he had absolutely nothing to do with her). After 32 years, two children and two grandchildren I called it quits. Later I learned that the reason he was controlling was because he was so insecure. I didn't hate him, just decided it was time to get a life. We lived next door to my parents. I left. Don't wait 32 years to "get a life". There are some things worse than living alone. I love it. Keep on knitting and best of luck to you.


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## 2mchyrn

I assume this H is a relative or very close friend's H since you said not your DH. I would print out all the pages (I'm at page 32) and give or mail the responses. I was in a marriage where my then husband would stand in the door or lean on the jam when I would be using my knitting machine. Supposedly, my place was to be on the couch being bored by TV -- wrong, I needed to work off the tension of a hard day at work and then coming home to prob. with step sons. Don't give up knitting!


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## Mrs. Mac

Hi, Hooray for Jessica-Jean! right on the money. Most of the replies are right on, especially the one that asked why this lady said "I do!" When a woman marries, she does not sign up to be a mindless slave to some immature control freak. I experienced 2 husbands and would not trade my current single state for any reason. 


Jessica-Jean said:


> ladysjk said:
> 
> 
> 
> I was, the key word is was, married to a man like this. My hobbies were a waste of my time, yet he played video games. My friends only used me for what they could get, yet I had to force him to get off his lazy butt and get a job, or there would be nothing for him to eat etc, My family hated him therefore I could not see them, that was not true at the point he said it..if we went to the store, or anywhere I couldn't look at anyone of the opposite sex or I was flirting...lots more..that marriage last less than 2 yrs. Did I give up my hobbies, friends, family or vision..Heck no...I gave him up. I think I would have killed him if not for my hobbies, this is emotional, and mental abuse..you are who you are, don't try to change that or you will become bitter, and hateful. If he loved you enough to marry you the way you are, then why is he trying to change you?? You are still the woman he knew and loved. This needs some serious discussion between the two of you with no accusations, or fault finding. Just a good ole fashion conversations about what is REALLY bothering him, what the REAL problem with you is...Good luck
> 
> 
> 
> :thumbup: Not what the real problem with _you_ is, but what the real problem is with the *relationship*.
Click to expand...


----------



## 2mchyrn

Oops! I just reread your post and realized that it is your H who is no longer a DH. Print out all the posts and put them in several areas of your home where he will be forced to read them e.g., the "library" aka the bathroom or his favorite chair. Just don't give up!!!!


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## m_azingrace

My dear yover8, please do not let yourself believe that giving up your treasured hobby will change anything. As soon as you stop knitting and find new homes for all your lovely tools, books and yarns he will find another area in which to attack you. It is not about your knitting at all. It is about how much control he is able to exert over you. And it will not stop. There will always be something you are doing (or not doing) that is not right, not enough or not even the right thing. Your self confidence is systematically being undermined and eroded. The problem is NOT your knitting. If you never knit again, he will still find fault with something else. If you look back over your history with him, you will probably recognize other areas where you have made concessions in order to keep peace with him. Do you find yourself running your thoughts through a "filter" before you speak, so that what you say will not be the catalist for his anger? Do you carefully choose what you watch on TV in order to avoid his critical opinions? Have you ended some friendships because it was easier to not see those persons than to listen to him degrade them? 

How do I know this? Because my husband is much the same. But I found help. I urge you to get a copy of "THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP -- How to recognize it and how to respond" by Patricia Evans. The first chapter begins with self-evaluation. It's a checklist that shocked me when I found that I had marked nearly every box! 

Don't misunderstand. I am not talkling about physical abuse, even though verbal abuse often leads to that. But verbal abuse is just as destructive in its own way; possibly even more damaging. 

Please, please, please read the book. It will help you not only to understand what is happening when it happens, but also how to respond (rather than react) to the situation. You will also learn some of the reasons for why he is the way he is. 

In the meantime, do please keep on knitting.


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## smsgreeneyes

taborhills said:


> This marriage needs out side help. He shows the classic signs of the abusive husband/partner. The controlling behavior never satisfies an abusive husband, so it escalates. This is dangerous.
> 
> Be as reasonable as you can in asking him to go with you to counseling. Then if he won't go, go by yourself. You need help. I am serious. The patterns you describe can be dangerous. And start putting the money you have putting into yarn (and more) into a separate and secret bank account. And tell your pastor and/or a close friend what is going on. Not to whine, but to protect yourself.


Make sure that secret account is at a different bank. When my ex cleaned out our joint account, the bank took the overdrafts from my escape account!


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## gshowman

Isabel said:


> Please get some counseling for dealing with this. If you don't find a counselor right away whom you can really connect with, find another. Or go to the library or on Amazon, there are hundreds of books out there on dealing with difficult people. The problem is not your hobby. You are being abused. If you quit knitting, it would be something else. You can't "make" someone happy who doesn't want to be happy. Begin to imagine (practice this!) that you are NOT a victim, and see yourself taking charge of at least some freedom.


When I was going to counseling with my ex, one of the most profound things I heard was exactly what Isabel wrote about. You cannot "make" anyone feel something. You can't make them happy any more than you can make them fly around the room. They feel angry, sad, crazy or happy because of their reactions, not someone's actions.

If you are in a situation that is not safe or doesn't feel right to you, please get help. Being bullied by anyone is wrong. I too lived with it for too long. Take care.


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## buddynutz

Don't give up your hobby. Buy a copy of "I taught myself to knit", a pair of knitting needles, yarn in his favorite color. Put in a pretty gift pack with a note saying "I love to knit. Now you can join me or you know where the door is."


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## Grandma Annette

Tell him to grow up or shut up......... but do not give up your knitting


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## ltyler65

I wouldn't give away a single pair of knitting needles or even a partial ball of yarn. If he doesn't like you knitting take up kick boxing for a while. Turn on the TV with your DVD of kickboxing and go for it. Take lessons if need be. When you go back to knitting I think it might be quieter at your house. Good luck and my prayers are with you. Be careful, someone that controlling could get physically abusive as well as mentally abusive. I was in a relationship that sounds like yours and the more I tried to placate him the worse he got until he became physically abusive. Divorced him.


jmcret05 said:


> My solution:
> 
> 1. Get a pair of metal ones --hell appreciate the wood.
> 2. No knitting in public if he is along. Go without him.
> 3. No knitting with company. Ask relatives to please speak English because you are listening not knitting.
> 4. Hide all of them you are not currently working on.
> 5. Point out that a lot of knitters are just trying to keep the mind working and sharper and it keeps you younger
> 6. OK, you can cut back on that one -- a little
> 7. Stash them with the projects, out of sight
> 8. Clean up the stash by giving away to some worthy cause all of the odds and ends and organize the rest . You could put them in vacuum-sealed bags and they will look like less.
> 9. Buy less and spend more per project.
> 10. Take a walk together and give him some me-time, especially at a time he wants to rest. Put down the knitting and ask him to do something with you until he crys uncle.
> 11. Dont make him anything--thats anything. Point out how much you save on gifts.
> 12. Turn on the ballgame, fight, whatever he likes to watch and knit away.
> 
> By all means, keep those needles going and tell him it keeps you sane and its better than being out looking for a divorce lawyer.


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## salbee

What a bully. Don't ditch your knitting. Ditch your man!!!


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## knity66nut

Like many of us, knitting is our sanity. I do go with my DH fishing occassionally. so we do things together, but when I need down time I do what I want including knitting. Yes I have a yarn stash, and pattern stash, and unfinished projects, but it is what I enjoy and I won't give it up and neither should you. My hobby doesn't hurt anyone else, and it may cost a few dollars here and there, but no one in our home has starved because of it, or died because I had to have yarn. Drugs, and alcohol cannot say that, so I continue to knit and yes it is my addiction.


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## 6M2Creations

Hi,
DO NOT QUIT knitting. You can't compare knitting to playing video games. You can play video games for hours and have nothing but CTS to show for it. Knit for hours and you have a beautiful garment. Knit only for people who appreciate it - he obviously doesn't. What is he doing while you clean etc.? I hope he's helping.
Pick up some of Stephanie Pearl McPhee's books (She's the Yarn Harlot), especially Things I learned from Knitting and All Wound Up. Then have him read them. Find and buy the t-shirt and/or bumper sticker that says "I knit so I don't kill people", and tell him he'd be the first in line if you stopped knitting.
Maybe to placate him (and I'm not sure I would) you can skip buying yarn for a couple of months and use some of your stash. Whatever you do DON'T QUIT. He has NO right to tell you what to do on your own down time.


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## CALEB'S MOM

no no no don't give up knitting--this is NOT the problem. Control is the problem, and the minute, no, the second you tell him you have quit, he will find something else to browbeat you about. nonono


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## knity66nut

AGREED!!!!!!! We have had a son-in-law that was a control freak and the marriage did not last. You cannot snub someone down and not allow them som basic freedoms and have a relationship last. No do not quit!!!!1


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## knitbreak

Boy did these posts came at the right time.I just got thru discussing the same gripe my husband has regarding my 
buying yarn,etc. I just told him I'll be glad to give up my hobby(RIGHT!) for shopping at the mall and visiting the beauty salon once a week like my sister and his sisters do.He did see my point of view for now.


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## yarnobsession

Bravo - sounds like you have been in "the business" for many years.


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## susan heierman

Please do not give up knitting.


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## Tisha.CA

If he's a new husband and is this controlling already, you are in for a rough ride. Sorry, my dear, but you need to stick to your guns or what will you want you to give up next?


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## tidepools

you mentioned that the relatives speak another language; perhaps he is from a culture that accepts and encourages this behaviour...good luck trying to work with that. By why not stand for yourself and do the things you enjoy - wave a red flag and let "el toro" have at it.
I wish you well, my dear.
Tidepools
aka Kitty


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## tidepools

you mentioned that the relatives speak another language; perhaps he is from a culture that accepts and encourages this behaviour...good luck trying to work with that. By why not stand for yourself and do the things you enjoy - wave a red flag and let "el toro" have at it.
I wish you well, my dear.
Tidepools
aka Kitty


----------



## tidepools

you mentioned that the relatives speak another language; perhaps he is from a culture that accepts and encourages this behaviour...good luck trying to work with that. By why not stand for yourself and do the things you enjoy - wave a red flag and let "el toro" have at it.
I wish you well, my dear.
Tidepools
aka Kitty


----------



## tidepools

you mentioned that the relatives speak another language; perhaps he is from a culture that accepts and encourages this behaviour...good luck trying to work with that. By why not stand for yourself and do the things you enjoy - wave a red flag and let "el toro" have at it.
I wish you well, my dear.
Tidepools
aka Kitty


----------



## Sherbear

My (ex) husband 'tolerated' my knitting until I started winning ribbons at county and state fairs....now it's ok. But after he closed two joint saving accounts without my knowledge, I traded him for two cats, It was cheaper. ;-)


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## Toby's Mom

CONTROL FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ditch him!! and interview the next prospect really well first, (you want to ascertain he is not lying just to get you). Seriously, what an insecure unhappy dude....so negative. Why should you even be defending yourself? But if you succumb to his idiocy and quit your hobby, you can send me the Addi circulars because I've heard they are awesome and I cannot afford to buy any. :lol:


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## lilita

Marriage is that: to control each other/have the power over the other. I see it around (I'm twice divorcee)
If you quit this time, it will happen again and again, until the other gains all the control over you.
Try to knit for a certain time and try to just talk to him asking questions... It sure will work: he better see you knitting than answering questions every time.


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## happycrafter

The words selfish control freak come to mind, he is the one with the problem, you carry on with your hobby and let him go pump thunder.


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## YourLuckyEwe

When you give in and give up on your knitting, this DH will find something else that you do that irritates him. Chances are it will not be your well-paying job that will bother him next. It took years of marriage and 2 years of anti-depressants to get me to stand up for myself. We are now married for over 55 years; it isn't perfect, but I now speak up.


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## Carol16

Keep the knitting get rid of the husband. If you let him get away with this he will only move on to something else. He's a control freak!


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## annweb

Keep knitting!!!!


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## Dianeks2

Wow, did this topic hit a Hot Button or what? I finally made it to page 33, last time I had checked it, we were on page 2.

I hope that you share the responses from the folks here. By sheer numbers alone, he is outvoted. (or is that voted out?)

Look at all the women who are supporting you. and how strongly these ladies feel about your situation.

We are all here for YOU. Please see all the love that is flowing your way. Use it to strengthen your resolve.

Diane


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## glnwhi

silly mind games are for kids tell him shape up or ship out sounds as if you can make your own living and he is not providing love and support soooooooooooo!


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## knitwit42

Please do not give up your knitting! That seems to be the thing that makes you happy&#128512;


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## sherrywb

Another point to my way of thinking.. it's not so bad being on your own!!!!!!! :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## loisdenise

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


Hey, If I were making that much money I would have a whole room full of yarn. I don't work (for pay that is) and I still have shelves of crafts supplies.

Seriously, try saying simply "Knitting is really important to me." State why it is, and ask him to quit criticizing and leave him to deal with his own feelings about it. If you give up knitting, what will you do instead. (I recommend opera, electric guitar, or blacksmithing). When I read your post The first thing I thought of is what would he have you give up next. Then after reading responses I see that he might not be irredeemable. One small part of my brain was thinking "Addi circulars could be cherished in my home", but I think you already cherish them and you should keep a hold on them


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## kikifields

Good Heavens! Did you knit while you were dating? What was he like then about your knitting?
He's obviously a control freak and if you give in to his threats, he's won.
If the end result is a divorce, you're better off!
This isn't what love looks like . . .


----------



## Dreamweaver

I've only read the first 3 pages..... DO NOT STOP KNITTING!!!! You knit before you met him and you will knit after he is gone..... A few thoughts...

Give hime ear plugs, or say "Oh sorry, would you like me to go in the other room?" - Better yet,,,,, "Should we set up a TV room just for you in the spare bedroom?"

Stash complaint.... "Well, I did see a nice armoire that I could buy so it is out of sight. It was only $$$$$$$$'

"Now you have upset me,,, I think I'll go to the yarn store for a little retail therapy." 

Knitting in public..... "Feel free to sit on the other side of the room and pretend you don't know me..."

Knitting in front of realtives....... "I do as I please in MY OWN HOME" (The fact that there is another language spoken... could it be he is from a background, nationality that has a different take on things? - if this is the case.... a serious discussion of expectations is in order.)

With a big smile on my face, I would be pleasant, but every response would be a question or some phrase that made it abundantly clear that I would NOT be giving up my knitting. My money, my yarn, my pleasure, my home, my choice, - Deal with it..... 

Seriously,,,, this is really much to small an issue for him to be so controlling and unreasonable... It is not endangering his health or safety or yours. (Well, mental health) Pick your battles, but if this is any indication... it seems to me that there will be another one right around the corner.... What else will you be asked to forgo?


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## mommajulie

Don't give up, tell him to get a life. How selfish, as long as it makes you happy. Don't knit for a week and slowly pick it back up. DON'T GIVE UP !


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## charlie4carats

Don't raise the white flag. I speak from experience. My ex was like that. Just one more reason he is now an ex.


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## GypsyC1225

There is NO ONE that will stop my knitting. I knit when and where I wish. My knitting is much cheaper than a shrink to help me with every day problems. I guess I am just lucky. I have my knitting and my husband has chess. I do not play chess, and my husband does not knit.


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## SallyAnn

No way would I give up what I love doing because he complains. Knitting is a part of you that you enjoy. Don't give up or he wins! YOU are the winner here. Stand up and show him you will NOT be bullied! I, for one, will stand with you!!


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## krankymax

Just tell him you are exercising your hands. If he doesn't like it, then that is his problems.


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## Knitnutty

How very sad that you would consider giving up what you love for someone who appears very jealous and controlling. I fear you will be giving up quite a bit of yourself in the future to suit him which just breeds resentment and lots of anger. You make more than enough money to do what you want and he should never ask you to give up part of yourself. Very sad looking future. I wish you lots of luck.


----------



## nab

Dianeks2 said:


> Wow, did this topic hit a Hot Button or what? I finally made it to page 33, last time I had checked it, we were on page 2.
> 
> I hope that you share the responses from the folks here. By sheer numbers alone, he is outvoted. (or is that voted out?)
> 
> Look at all the women who are supporting you. and how strongly these ladies feel about your situation.
> 
> We are all here for YOU. Please see all the love that is flowing your way. Use it to strengthen your resolve.
> 
> Diane


I agree with Diane. We all seem to feel quite strong about our fellow KP folks. Be nice to yourself and please be careful. As we do not know your husband I would hate to have given you all this advise and have him turn violent on you.
Just Please take care of you. Let us know how you are doing.
Love & hugs
Nickie


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## vickitravels

A nice pair of earplugs while u r knitting will go far!


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## cheron16

Yes,Yes, Please stand up for your self You like to knit ,then knit dont let someone control you If you decide to let him win ,this wont be the end of it he will find something else to pick at you about Be strong


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## Grandma Jo

Don't let him get away with this. If he is that critical and thoughtless of you, there will be more in the future. Stand your ground and don't let him do this to you. Marriage is a two way street. I would not keep him around very long.


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## machriste

Hmmmm...husband? knitting? husband? Knitting???????


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## Carlyta

No please don't give up your knitting. Your DH should get a hobby to occupy his mind so he won't have time to complain. I believe he's jealous too.


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## Annmilla

I don't think I would be getting rid of the wool etc


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## Oogie

Please don't give up on something you love to do because your other half complains. Get him a pair of ear phones so he can watch TV without having to listen to your needles click. Really? bamboo needles don't make any noise. Me thinks he's looking for something to compain about.


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## Norma B.

WOW!! If anything could have created more of a firestorm of commentary, I can't imagine what it might be. There have been what---34 pages! I think this demonstrates what a nerve is touched when someone is being controlled and abused, and how much we all want to help you. The "give up hubby, not hobby" crowd has a good point, but so do those who encourage counselling. Retaliation sounds useful, but could backfire (though I loved the idea of clearing out the kitchen of all the "cooking clutter" or pulling the plug on the TV and computer because those can be the supreme waste of time.) I stayed married for 37 years to an emotionally abusive man before I accepted that's what it was and decided (with help) that enough is enough. I was never happier than when I made that decision, and I surely felt I had given it my best go. Now I can't even imagine being under someone else's control. PLEASE, whatever you do,STICK TO YOUR GUNS AND DON'T GIVE UP (ANOTHER) IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE. Speaking of guns, what's the law in your area about shooting abusive spouses? >)


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## Diane1025

The day I would give up my favorite hobby for a man is the day hell freezes over. No way. Guess that's why I'm single........just saying


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## patmastel

yover8, I can see and hear the resentment in you coments. If you give up your knitting it will be worse and you will be resentful to him for it. It won't help your cause it will only harm it more. He'll get satisfaction and you'll get angry. Let him know how you feel and the reasons you have for NOT quitting. If he can't understand that, then he's just selfish. Tell him that maybe he needs a hobby as well. Maybe he won't be so "high strung" about yours. Good luck, honey!


----------



## krestiekrew

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


I made it through 5 pages, going to now speak up and out...

1. *ABUSE!*
2. *ABUSE!*
3. *ABUSE!*
4. *ABUSE!*
5. *ABUSE!*
6. *ABUSE!*
7. *ABUSE!*
8. *ABUSE!*
9. *ABUSE!*
10. *ABUSE!*
11. *ABUSE!*
12. *ABUSE!*

Yes! It is in caps, yes I am yelling at the top of my lungs. I was married to one, got in that abuse rut, almost got killed trying to get out because I let it go on so long... I was young and stupid/did not know better.

You state you have a good income, get out, get rid of him, get a restraining order if you have to. You DO NOT need an abusive man in your life, you might very well lose your life. There are places for women to call to get help...please do it. I know others have said, hang on, don't tear the marriage up etc;. I will tell them this raises tons of red flags. Get out, hold your own, be your own person and be happy. I got rid of my nightmare in '85 and have not looked back.

Granted this is my opinion but it is said from the heart and from first hand experience with an abusive mate. and if you need to send me a pm. Most of all be careful, if you sense any form of danger, get a divorce lawyer on the quiet, get it filed and let the cops put him out of the house, then asap change all the locks. just stay safe!


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## pfoley

Well I would never quit knitting since you enjoy it, but since he is unreasonable, you could always not knit in front of him, not knit on the plane with him, not knit when you have company. Just knit when you are alone without him around. Hide your projects and yarn from view; I don't see that it should be a problem. If it annoys him that much just do it in another room but you don't have to quit doing what you enjoy. There are other ways to solve this problem without much sacrifice.


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## GypsyC1225

There is only one thing to say to him......Hit the road Jack, and don't come back, no more, no more, no more.


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## pfarley4106

Keep the yarn and knitting and get rid of the husband!!!!!!!!!! I was married to a control freak who wanted me isolated from friends and family so he could have my 100% time and attention.

I had more health problems while I was with him. A constant knot in my stomach when he was around. Left him after 39 years of marriage. I was scared to death of the revenge I knew he'd take on me and I was sure if I could make it on my own. But I vowed I'd live in my car before I'd go back. Within a year, all my health problems went away and I've never been happier. I learned how many of my relatives and his that couldn't stand him. It turns out the reason my sister never visited was because of how he treated them when I was out of ear shot. My sister died last year but not before she and I got to spend tons of time together. The yarn and knitting is just the start.... Next it could be your relatives and friends. BEWARE... Go into counseling, even if you have to do it alone. Most insurance pay for it. My heart aches for you. PLEASE think carefully before you quite knitting. It may be the only thing that will bring you peace. BEEN THERE!


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## GypsyC1225

I would never lie to him, Tell him: It is my knitting needles, yarn, and patterns, or you. Make up your mind which......You are woman, hear you roar....


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## balloch8

Like I said to my horse, WHOA!!!! Time to trade him in. My 1st husband was exactly like that. Must have been cloned and you got that one. He did have 1 hobby tho, little older, chubby redhead, hmmm. I took care of that and that's how he became my ex-hubby. Get him a hobby...ahem one at home thought, LOL. Very controlling and if you give up what you like, you are giving up a part of you. Good luck.


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## AllThumbsBREN

Using your mind keeps you young, so knitting keeps you young. Giving in to his wishes and giving up makes you a door mat. I don't think you want to be walked on :-(


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## Alpaca Farmer

He wants to be in control of you. If you give up knitting, he won this battle; but there will be more battles and for every one you lose, you are deeper in the abuse cycle.


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## Kateydid

How sad. Hold your ground. Does he have anything to offer that's better? Probably not. Keep doing what you enjoy. And do what most men do, use "selective hearing"!


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## Norma B.

P.S. If you havent read the lines under Jessica-Jean's messages, do so. The humor is dryly ironic, but still quite apropos. 

And just another thought to add to the foregoing barage of comments, it has definitely been proven that anything we do that involves constant thinking, planning, and attention, which knitting certainly does, is the most affective prevention of senility and more directly, Alzheimers Disease. If he isn't aware of that, paste it to his forehead so he'll remember each time he looks in the mirror.


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## lotsagramgram

I told mine that I could use the time at the bar drinking and pulling tabs or playing bingo instead. Take your pick!
I am doing something constructive, you do the same.


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## tbforest

This makes me so sad and to be honest mad! Why are some people so bent on bringing down others? I wonder what is stopping him from celebrating a talent of yours? I think marriage counseling is in order. You shouldn't have to give up something that is you. This is abusive in my opinion. All the best!


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## Carlyta

I agree.


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## Grandma Jan

Faced with the choice I know what I would be giving up and it wouldn't be my knitting.


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## Laugh

I am divorced, not for those reasons, luckily, but I have "friends" who are controlling about an illness that I have no control over. Same difference. Who needs them.


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## jleighton

my heart goes out to you. hubby or hobby?


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## Leonora

He is jealous of your skills.......DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR MUCH LOVED KNITTING FOR HIM OR ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!! You would be doing yourself a great dis-service, you need the relaxation time is gives you!!!!!!!!!


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## Heyelie

Is he a Cat or a human being?


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## mom2grif

I have no advice about your marriage, but if this man loves you he would want you to do what you enjoy.


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## Babsmim

Does this guy watch TV? Perfect time for you to knit. It does sound like his is a spoiled kid. He need help, you have knitting, and don't give it up Girlfriend, that is giving up to much of yourself.


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## suegrandma

i think I'd keep my knitting and replace him. Don't give it up he will then find something else to complain about


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## cashgora

i nearly cried when i read your post. please don't give up & give in to this. when there is no knitting to criticise you for he will only find another topic to take its place. i've been where you are & i feel your pain. know that you are not alone, reach out to your family for the strength you need to keep on being yourself. i suggest you try an experiment. pack all your knitting away where neither of you see any of it & try living a non-knitting life. first, to see if you can exist this way & second, to see how long it takes him to find a new object for his frustrations. i think you will find that your knitting is only a symptom of the problem & not the cause. my thoughts are with you.


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## Carlyta

Great comments from everyone. I also had an abusive husband, divorced him before he really harmed me and my life is better--no tension, no illnesses, no fear either. I was able to raise my 2 daughters very well without him and they always had knitted sweaters to wear. Remember the saying: "I knit so I don't kill you." Knitting is truly great therapy.


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## Carlyta

Great comments from everyone. I also had an abusive husband, divorced him before he really harmed me and my life is better--no tension, no illnesses, no fear either. I was able to raise my 2 daughters very well without him and they always had knitted sweaters to wear. Remember the saying: "I knit so I don't kill you." Knitting is truly great therapy.


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## deercreek

Don't quit. Stand up for your right as a knitter.


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## susannahp

I divorced a man like that who thought he could control me( thirty two years married) and I was 50, sure it was scary to be on my own but I gained far more then I could ever lose ...no one has the right to do what he is doing , for years I turned a deaf ear to what he was saying and blocked him out , then one night I looked him straight in the eye and said "I want a divorce!" and so here I am with a wonderful man who is secure in himself and we've been married 14 yrs , I wouldnt give him up for anything and its like I never had a life before him, so I say dont give in to HIS wants but keep your own identity and when you get tired of the BS from his mouth get rid of him ....


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## run4fittness

Please do not give up! Continue knitting and hang in there. We need you here!


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## spinninggill

I wouldn't give up your knitting, especially with such a busy lifestyle. I'd direct him to the website www.stitchlinks.com, where he (and you) will find plenty of informationon the world of knitting therapy - yes, knitting is now recognised officially as a medical therapy for the treatment and management of stress disorders, depression, pain management and certain mental disorders. The pioneer for this is a physiotherapist from Bath, UK and she now travels the world addressing very high powered medical conferences. So I would keep your stash, keep your knitting and point this out to Hubby. If he's that stressed out - maybe he should take up knitting??!!!!


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## MicheleR

I cannot for the life of me imagine giving up knitting or any other of other interests. I began knitting something short of 50 years ago, really put my heart and soul into probably for the past 35 years .. migrating into spinning, dyeing, writing patterns, etc. My husband, who passed away 4 years ago last month, never once criticized me for my endeavors, nor did I with his interests. After 25 years of marriage, when he passed away, I found this and all my other interests a comfort when I had those sad days and missed him. For better or worse! ... Don't give it up, pack it all away for another day! Good luck to you.


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## theolderchick

You hit the nail on the head,by packing it all away,out of site,mark the calendar then see how long it takes him to find a new axe to grind.I have a feeling it wont take long.Sounds like a plan to me,
and hang in there,cuz were all hanging with you.


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## 2mchyrn

:thumbup: :thumbup:


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## Norma B.

pfoley said:


> Well I would never quit knitting since you enjoy it, but since he is unreasonable, you could always not knit in front of him, not knit on the plane with him, not knit when you have company. Just knit when you are alone without him around. Hide your projects and yarn from view; I don't see that it should be a problem. If it annoys him that much just do it in another room but you don't have to quit doing what you enjoy. There are other ways to solve this problem without much sacrifice.


Sorry, but this is NOT a good idea. How resentful it would make you to have to go underground with the things you love to do as if you're doing something shameful. "What are you doing?" "OH NOTHING!! JUST TIDYING UP IN HERE!" (while stuffing your knitting under the sofa cushion.) Ummm, no, not a good idea at all.


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## Momma Osa

Misery loves company. I would not give up something that I love as much as, I too, love knitting. This would be only the first of many concessions as I see it. You should not have to give up anything....to prove what?

Momma Osa


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## yto111

I am so sorry. I hope you really like this guy and something about him makes it worth giving up part of yourself.


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## Linda003

Hi, 
What a dissappointment your husband is, knitting is relaxing and rewarding. I also knit all the time travelling in the car visiting friends and nobody complains they accept that I'm passionate about it and a happier person. Sorry dump the husband and carry on knitting...do not give up


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## PaulineRose

Do NOT, I repeat NOT, give way to him on this. He's being totally unreasonable. What will he want you to give up next? For goodness sake, is he jealous that you have such a satisfying and enjoyable hobby and he does not? JEALOUS of a pair of knitting needles and a ball of wool? He needs to grow up. And I'm sure he can spare SOME time to pursue a hobby of his own, even if he is busy. Aren't we all?


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## SuzieW

Is he worth it?


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## bu1201

theolderchick said:


> You hit the nail on the head,by packing it all away,out of site,mark the calendar then see how long it takes him to find a new axe to grind.I have a feeling it wont take long.Sounds like a plan to me,
> and hang in there,cuz were all hanging with you.


I agree with you .


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## 2mchyrn

theolderchick said:


> You hit the nail on the head,by packing it all away,out of site,mark the calendar then see how long it takes him to find a new axe to grind.I have a feeling it wont take long.Sounds like a plan to me,
> and hang in there,cuz were all hanging with you.


 :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## 2mchyrn

Norma B. said:


> pfoley said:
> 
> 
> 
> Well I would never quit knitting since you enjoy it, but since he is unreasonable, you could always not knit in front of him, not knit on the plane with him, not knit when you have company. Just knit when you are alone without him around. Hide your projects and yarn from view; I don't see that it should be a problem. If it annoys him that much just do it in another room but you don't have to quit doing what you enjoy. There are other ways to solve this problem without much sacrifice.
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry, but this is NOT a good idea. How resentful it would make you to have to go underground with the things you love to do as if you're doing something shameful. "What are you doing?" "OH NOTHING!! JUST TIDYING UP IN HERE!" (while stuffing your knitting under the sofa cushion.) Ummm, no, not a good idea at all.
Click to expand...

 :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## Patternprincess

I agree, do not give way to him. Once you do, it will just become something else for him to control. Pretty soon he will have chipped away and chipped away at you enough that you won't recognize yourself. THAT you do not want. Make a stand. IF he says he will not accept you as you are, at least you will know earlier than later in your life that he would have made your life a living hell. This way you have some kind of "life" left for you. I was always afraid to leave my ex because "what if he changed" and became a good man. Well, guess what, 35 years later, he has no job, he is bankrupt, homeless (but his sister took him in, no car, obese and disabled. This man used to make hundreds of thousands of dollars per year. If I had stayed with him, I would be in a mental institution! MAKE A STAND NOW. Listen to the advice here!!!


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## mallardhen

Yes, he sure needs to get over it but he won't, like all selfish people he has the "me" complex. He no doubt feels unfullfilled and needs you to sit at attention so he can feel important. Giving up my knitting, you may as well put me in the ground now because I would curl up and die. Knitting gives me an outlet for my creative juices and makes me happy. Sorry he is so envious of your talents; give it up? never.


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## Jeni

dear far away friend, be yourself how wonderful you knit
don't knit him anything else. Knit for those who enjoy it he is jealous you are so talented and such a good wife to work, cook, clean etc. and he denies you your pleasure ditch him he is useless


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## bobctwn65

and if you can still have children ,.,,don't..he would use the children to control even worse,...i know been there,.,,


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## wilnita

Don't give up to soon as that is just the beginning of controling you
Maybe he is to lazy to have a hobby. :thumbdown: Hang in there been married for 58 yrs and he still grumbles some times oh well to bad. I say LOL Anita


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## grammyv

Sounds to me as if it is time for someone to TAKE A FLYING LEAP!


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## Toby's Mom

You have roughly 600 comments on this thread and overwhelmingly they state that your hubby is an insecure, controlling jerk. I feel for you because now you have to do SOMETHING and I know it is not easy. I suffered from the same in two marriages and it took me that time to learn not to lose myself. Now on my third for 22 yrs. now, FINALLY a gem. I FINALLY LEARNED not to live as you are. You have nearly 600 supporters, you are not alone! Good luck.


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## ggclaudia

Are you serious? I wouldn't give up on knitting and get rid of the yarn, I'd get rid of him! He won't be happy no matter what you do for relaxing in the evening, unless it is bringing him his pipe & slippers.


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## brain56

andietom said:


> Please take all the steps necessary to protect yourself. If you have joined finances, pull out what you have put in during your brief marriage and deposit that money into a new account in your name only. Contact a lawyer immediately to discuss options--including things that you share as a joint obligation--leases, mortgage etc. Please make certain that you have memorized the location of the nearest women's shelter.
> 
> Once you have a safety plan firmly in place, sit down with your husband and be open about your concerns. If what is going on is a sudden change in behavior--drastically different from they way he was when you met and decided to marry--encourage him to get a complete health evaluation.
> 
> Tell him you will be seeking counseling and urge him to go with you. If he refuses and flies into a rage because you have questioned his authority, get out. Call the police if you have been threatened or harmed, and then call your attorney.
> 
> If he agrees to counseling, there is a chance the relationship can be saved, but please realize that cultural patterns are deeply ingrained and some people are simply incapable of being in healthy relationships. I am praying for you.


I knew that there would be many more helpful posts then when I last checked this thread.

This advice is very wise.
Your present - and future - safety is of paramount importance.


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## rosespun

first it will be the knitting, then your friends, then your family. He is controlling. He knew what you were like when you married. Nothing you do will be enough. Let him go!!

I am lucky, I have been married for 34 years to a man who helps me grow and explore and just be me!! He loves watching me make something from nothing. I wish for everyone to have what I have!!


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## PaulineRose

He just wants you to give up an important part of yourself, something that you love. I know that it must be very difficult for you and that he must be wearing you down, but DON'T LET HIM WIN. Would he rather that you slocuched in the armchair mindlessly watching some low level TV programme?


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## balloch8

Has anyone noticed how many of "us" have been or still in an abusive relationship of some kind? Is it our "era" that men seem to dominate way back when we all first got married? I got married the first time in 1965 at the ripe old age of 19. Turned 19 in Oct and got married in Nov. That was what you did back then. He was 5 yrs older. It took me almost 20 yrs to get remarried. I was divorced at 28 and got remarried at 45. Those years in between were my growing up years, along with 2 boys. So glad women now are exercising their rights as women. By the way, No 2 husband....wish I'd met him first!!!!


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## Redhatchris

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone
> to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together


That is not death, it is Suicide!!!
I would never let a man beat me down like that. Once your knitting is gone, it will be something else. How much of yourself are you willing to lose for him? Didn't these things bother him Before you got married? 
I had a man like this whom I loved like crazy. We are no longer a couple. If I got rid of everything he wanted me to (knitting, fur coats, hats, sparkly dress up outfits, make up, hair do etc) I would be sitting here alone with nothing. His insane demands began to erode the 6 year relationship until there were no feelings left. Nothing was ever good enough for him-he had the world by the balls and didn't appreciate it and now he is alone and miserable.
When my DH was alive, I once asked him to help me move the furniture just to do a little rearranging. Once he finished complaining, I told him this: when women get bored, they do one of 4 things, color their hair, go shopping, rearrange furniture or have an affair. Now, grab the arm of the couch and count your blessings! He did and once we finished, he liked it better. 
I am sure you could fit knitting into my list....


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## donmaur

teach him to knit?????????? drag out the history of knitting where only men were knitters or introduce him to kaffe fasett(book I mean ) or alan dart
what you cannot do is give up knitting for him
think this is close to separatiion territory!!!!!!!!!!!
this is close to a control freak if you give into him on this then he will want to control your friends going out your visits to family etc this is serious stuff!!!!!!
and if you truly are burying all that beautiful wool, needles etc pm me I have a home for it but i beg you stand up for this small sliver of independence he yet allows you
thinking oif you


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## nana 07

Don't give up. Seriously you need your relaxation, it is your theraphy. Please don't give up.


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## nana 07

Don't give up. Seriously you need your relaxation, it is your theraphy. Please don't give up.


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## ayjay

I have been giving your problem a lot of thought. I have never been in your shoes, so I should be the last one to give advice, which I did earlier today.
But I was wondering if your knitting isn't the problem, maybe there is a deeper problem, something underling his resentment to your knitting. He is making it your problem, and just using knitting as an excuse. Please sit him down, and ask him what the "REAL" problem is. I feel that there is something else fueling his anger.
Just my thought.
I have been married a long time, and I know that if you aren't happy no one is going to be happy, and you are going to end up sick or with Ulcers. Ask me how I know that....


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## tmendicino

Do not, Do not, Do not, give up your hobby of knitting.
You husband does not want you to have anything without him.

He is not going to let it be, he will continue to bug you about your knitting.

You can still be married to a man and not see eye to eye about everything.

If you would have any regrets about giving it up....Don't!
I had a thearapist ask me once.."what will he do? Has he done it before? Did you live through it?"

Do not give it up for him. You are not a part of him. You are your own woman that can stand on her own 2 feet.
Just block out what ever he says about your wonderfull hobby. And keep on knitting.......Good Luck!


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## g-mom

When someone needs to pick on you, it is often because a blame factor (scapegoat) is necessary. By the time my ex-husband started being annoyed with my knitting, he was well along in an extra-marital affair...the truth is YOU HAVE TO DIG deeper and find out what is really going on. He left for us for his "friend." I raised our four children on much less than what you make, and what I have now is a load full of good memories and MANY outlets for creative growth, dear friendships, mental and spiritual strength, and four adult children who didn't grow up in the abuse! You have a future that you deserve to make be your own, one that he too can choose to be a part of, if he doesn't have to have it JUST HIS WAY. May you be blessed to find the right answers.
g-mom #600+


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## celiaj

I wouldn't care how much he complains, I would not give it up, sounds like its his problem and not yours. Sometimes husbands can be a real pain, even those who have been around for 54 yrs., thats me, and I have learned to just ignore things a bout his that I don't like and keep on doing what I enjoy, if they don't like it, tough nails!!!!!!

CeliaJ


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## 9sueseiber

Hi. I don't have a husband, after 33 yrs of marriage. Was very hard to get used to at first. But I did it. I'm a lot better off in some ways, but not in others. I mainly miss the companionship. 
I really think your husband is complaining because you are not giving him your undivided attention, that companionship that I miss. Like one person said,"maybe a long talk to find out what is Really bothering him will help the issue. Maybe try to set aside some time just for him, somehow, or join him for awhile in what he likes doing, even if it's football. haha My son's wife hated football until they got married. He talked her into watching a couple of games with him, and he started explaining the finer points of football to her. By the time he was done explaining (3 or 4 games) she liked it as much as he does. Now their best times are spent together during football season. Maybe you could find something like that to do together and MAYBE he won't resent your knitting quite so much. I know husbands are a pain sometimes, but what can you do? You must love him a lot to even think about giving up something you love, just for him, so try talking about it. And believe me, this is coming from someone that doesn't do a great job of talking, but I sure wish I knew how to do that better. Just a thought. If it doesn't work, hey you have tried, and $80,000 a year is plenty to make it on your own. lol But at least you will have tried other options first. Good Luck with that, and I agree you shouldn't have to give up knitting altogether either. Sue


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## Jalsh

I fear that you may be in denial or a hoarder. One project per paycheck? I say finish up all the unfinished projects which you kind of contradicted yourself there with the unfinished projects and use up the stash. If he's still complaining, then that ain't right.


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## Bud

I feel for you so much, I could have cried, and I can relate to so many of your "crimes"! I gave up some long time ago too noisy and like you I went out and bought bamboo pins. I have inherited my dear Mum's huge bag of wool which I have put into my largish trunk, until I can make up my mind whether it is worth the agro of trying to start knitting again. Like you I find it somehow comforting to sit and knit for a while. I knitted a sweater for my H when we first married he never wore it so I did not bother again. Please take up something else that you love, I use the computer he does not, so we have problems about the hour or so I have on it but this time I will not capitulate completely!!


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## debra rochner

I'm sorry but he's out of line. Did you not knit before? I understand being totally FED UP with the complaining, however, I would suggest setting aside certain times to knit and telling him that is "YOUR" time and you are going to do what you want and you'd appreciate him respecting that and dropping the complaining. If he does not, this doesn't bode well for the marriage, unless you don't mind being "controlled" the rest of your life. Knit in another room, if the clicking is annoying or turn up the TV. Some might say you don't need to compromise, however, I'm hearing you don't want to sacrifice your new marriage for knitting because your husband is being a BUTT and making you miserable. Quit knitting him stuff too, knit for the appreciative ones. : ) Dig in and make your stand!


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## Mimihugs

My husband gets upset with me when I get too much stash and leave projects around in the living room (I usually have up to 4 going at the same time). He actually likes me knitting or crocheting because he can watch what he wants on TV and I don't bother him.

Don't give up your craft that you love so much. Show him when he talks to you that you will put your work down to give him your undivided attention. That's not giving in to him that is showing him that knitting will not take over your life and interfere with anything. I've been married to the same man for 45 years and it's working for me.


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## StellasKnits

1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)

*** Is he a rocket scientist or inventing the cure for cancer that he needs to concentrate so hard?

2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing

*** Tell him he can sit somewhere else 

3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude

*** So is speaking in another language that you can't understand

4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)

*** Too bad

5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)

*** Of course it is - for him since sadly he can't knit

6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)

*** as opposed to....?

7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)

*** who cares?

8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)

*** Ha! He hasn't seen my stash! You're an amateur lol.

9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)

*** Are your bills paid? Is the heat on? Are the lights on? Then it's your money too. You earn it you can say what you spend it on. 

10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not

*** DH: find a hobby so you won't be jealous of hers

11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)

*** Ha! Stop making him things. He's right in that regard - it's a waste of time to make things for people who don't appreciate your hard work.

12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)

*** tell him to do some of the cooking, cleaning and homework then you'll be more available.

See how easy that was? I joke...I know it's not that easy but you simply cannot put up with this bullying; and that's exactly what it is - bullying. Just because he's not hitting you does not mean he's not abusing you. Are you better off with him or without him? Only you know the answer to that one. With that kind of salary why do you need the grief? You can most definitely afford to live without him and most likely be a happier person because of it.


----------



## 9ewes

Why are you letting him do this,you don't deserve this. Tell him I'll hunt him down and give him a talking to, and he won't feel to good when I get done with him. Don't you dare give up your knitting and tools. You just tell him to go to.....


----------



## Dorsey

Don't do it, don't give up. You need that hobby, it is so important for you to have that interest. One CANNOT devote all your time to your husband, no matter how much you love him. That is not fair to either him or yourself. Please, please, don't let him push you into giving it up.
Stand up for yourself!
Dot


----------



## ushag

Don't you dare give in to this bully!!!! He's being a complete control freak. If you give on this, it'll be something else next. And so on until you have no life. Stand your ground. It's your money that you earned and your time. Mine used to do this as well, but I stood my ground and now he doesn't do it any more. It took time and nerve, but worth it. My thoughts are with you xxx


----------



## Norma B.

Patternprincess said:


> I agree, do not give way to him. Once you do, it will just become something else for him to control. Pretty soon he will have chipped away and chipped away at you enough that you won't recognize yourself. THAT you do not want. Make a stand. IF he says he will not accept you as you are, at least you will know earlier than later in your life that he would have made your life a living hell. This way you have some kind of "life" left for you. I was always afraid to leave my ex because "what if he changed" and became a good man. Well, guess what, 35 years later, he has no job, he is bankrupt, homeless (but his sister took him in, no car, obese and disabled. This man used to make hundreds of thousands of dollars per year. If I had stayed with him, I would be in a mental institution! MAKE A STAND NOW. Listen to the advice here!!!


After 37 years of marriage, maybe twenty of which were acceptable, when I told my emotionally abusive husband I'd filed for divorce he said "Well, you've made a VERY big mistake!" and he added "Is it my drinking? You know I can quit any time." I said "Yes, I know. You have, MANY TIMES." He's still drinking and I'm a helluva lot happier than if I'd stayed married to him.


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## familydaycaremama

I think it's important to remember that appropriate criticism from an intimate family member can be valid. I think it's always good to consider one's own role in any dysfunctional relationship or situation, just more opportunity for growth. I was in a horrible marriage but my own character flaws led me there & kept me enmeshed.


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## Perickson

I am so sorry you are throwing in the needls. I am a little more stuburn then you are and wouldn't give up something that I enjoy so much. Maybe he should give up something he enjoys also.


----------



## Norma B.

StellasKnits said:


> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 
> *** Is he a rocket scientist or inventing the cure for cancer that he needs to concentrate so hard?
> 
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 
> *** Tell him he can sit somewhere else
> 
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 
> *** So is speaking in another language that you can't understand
> 
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 
> *** Too bad
> 
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 
> *** Of course it is - for him since sadly he can't knit
> 
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 
> *** as opposed to....?
> 
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 
> *** who cares?
> 
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 
> *** Ha! He hasn't seen my stash! You're an amateur lol.
> 
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 
> *** Are your bills paid? Is the heat on? Are the lights on? Then it's your money too. You earn it you can say what you spend it on.
> 
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 
> *** DH: find a hobby so you won't be jealous of hers
> 
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 
> *** Ha! Stop making him things. He's right in that regard - it's a waste of time to make things for people who don't appreciate your hard work.
> 
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> *** tell him to do some of the cooking, cleaning and homework then you'll be more available.
> 
> See how easy that was? I joke...I know it's not that easy but you simply cannot put up with this bullying; and that's exactly what it is - bullying. Just because he's not hitting you does not mean he's not abusing you. Are you better off with him or without him? Only you know the answer to that one. With that kind of salary why do you need the grief? You can most definitely afford to live without him and most likely be a happier person because of it.


 :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


----------



## ann44

Agree to EACH of you spends one hour per evening doing just what that person wants to do. No criticism from either partner about what the other one is doing. Don't give up knitting. It is YOUR pleasure - your creativity. My husband can be like this but I gave him a television to watch in his bedroom while I knit or crochet in the lounge in the evening. We are both happier and he pops in now and again to see if I'm okay or if he wants something. That's just fine.


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## ushag

Oh, and does he really think its a good idea to wind up someone who's sitting by him with 2 sharp pointy sticks.....


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## nittergma

I think this is worth a try. Even though I'm am quietly screaming "What IS HIS problem???!!!!" You never know what's beneath it, as I said it's worth a try.


9sueseiber said:


> Hi. I don't have a husband, after 33 yrs of marriage. Was very hard to get used to at first. But I did it. I'm a lot better off in some ways, but not in others. I mainly miss the companionship.
> I really think your husband is complaining because you are not giving him your undivided attention, that companionship that I miss. Like one person said,"maybe a long talk to find out what is Really bothering him will help the issue. Maybe try to set aside some time just for him, somehow, or join him for awhile in what he likes doing, even if it's football. haha My son's wife hated football until they got married. He talked her into watching a couple of games with him, and he started explaining the finer points of football to her. By the time he was done explaining (3 or 4 games) she liked it as much as he does. Now their best times are spent together during football season. Maybe you could find something like that to do together and MAYBE he won't resent your knitting quite so much. I know husbands are a pain sometimes, but what can you do? You must love him a lot to even think about giving up something you love, just for him, so try talking about it. And believe me, this is coming from someone that doesn't do a great job of talking, but I sure wish I knew how to do that better. Just a thought. If it doesn't work, hey you have tried, and $80,000 a year is plenty to make it on your own. lol But at least you will have tried other options first. Good Luck with that, and I agree you shouldn't have to give up knitting altogether either. Sue


----------



## Donnathomp

joannav said:


> Donnathomp said:
> 
> 
> 
> good Heavens! that is sad. but don't give up on a marriage for it. Try to compromise. Knitting while you have company really could be considered a bit rude unless everyone is knitting. This may sound old school but talking it out in a heart to heart is the best way to solve problems. but for goodness sake! Don't give up knitting. As Jessica-Jean said, it's cheaper than psychotherapy . Bonne chance.
> 
> 
> 
> Hey Donna-the family is speaking a language unfamiliar to YOUVER8-that is rude too !! Knitting is therapy on so many levels--physical, mental-(ie)math etc. and of course the peace of mind and heart !! Hubby needs to remember why his heart first fell for his lovely wife !!
> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE--don't give up -it would be the death of oneself -- I like the compromise comments--life always is a compromise when in a relationship !! take care !!
Click to expand...

My husband and I met here in Quebec city when we were 14 years old. His family did not speak English, so I know by experience what being left out of a conversation was like. We have been married for 39 years and during that time, I have done a lot of knitting and other crafts or reading but was always careful when we had company to be a polite host. I learned to speak French, not perfectly but enough to have a conversation. Some of the comments posted about this topic are pretty silly, some are downright selfish and some are ridiculous. marriage is not a 50-50 partnership. It is each one giving 100% to make things work. I truly hope 'yover8' can make things work.


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## glendajean

Lose the husband, keep the stash (and your sanity).


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## Ruby's rose

glendajean said:


> Lose the husband, keep the stash (and your sanity).


 I totally agree!! Why do you keep him?


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## nitcronut

glendajean said:


> Lose the husband, keep the stash (and your sanity).


Ditto. ditto and ditto.


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## grandmadawn

Don't give up your hobbies for anyone else - that is his problem and he is just picking on you - a form of bullying actually. You are not part of him, you are yourself and knitting is a real stress reliever, it sounds like living with someone that selfish is going to cause even more stress every time he isn't happy with something--let him stew in his own problems, knitting doesn't cause his problems, his attitude about your skills with knittting is just a cover for something in his own life that isn't going in his favor, and with his nit picking could be anything that he doesn't have control over, he's looking for a scapegoat and trying to make it your problem--don't let that happen!!


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## Woolywarmer

I can't believe you are smart enough to earn that high a salary and so dumb you would allow yourself to be bullied. Wise up. This is not love.


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## Marny CA

And you married him because ... ?

You want to stay married to him because ... ?

He respects you how ...?

He cares about your feelings in what ways ???

ONLY you can prevent forest fires. You're in a blaze and I see no glory in your relationship.

You're afraid of being alone because ... ?

You live with someone and are alone, IMNSHO.


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## ChocolatePom

I will weigh in with my 2 cents worth.... 

It is enough said that You will do what you feel you have to do. However, I have been through more than 3 husbands and Life is TOO short for me to give up what I have loved doing for a whole lot longer than I have loved them.

I am on the last husband now and he is a gem. He has been through a lot with me. Since we have been married, I was poisoned twice and have been through carpel tunnel and tendonitis in both arms at the same time. I had a 12 weeks of physical therapy and he had to do EVERYTING for me until the doctor said I could do for myself, the little things first but nothing that was stressing the hands, wrists, or arms. No lifting or pushing or pulling or carrying anything over 2 to 3 pounds and that was after 12 weeks of therapy. After 6 months I was up to 20 pounds. 
If I stop doing the knitting, crocheting, jewelry making, and cross stitching my fingers will stiffen up so bad that I will NOT be able to do anything for myself again. 
He has a good memory of having to do everything for me for 12 weeks. So, he doesn't complain much at all. 

And I have a climate controlled storage unit for my stash now. Of course there are a few other things in there as well. But, mostly my stash and works in progress.


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## balloch8

calll me and I'll help you hunt him down!


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## knit-crochet-is-me

NNNNNNNNNNNNoooooooooooooooooo!! Don't give your knitting up! In my book this is considered "my time" to recoup, refresh, maintain my emotional health. He definitely needs help. My husband loves me even when I do my knitting. He feels good just having me in the area. Even brings me my coffee or whatever. He loves me for what I am, not for what he wants me to be. Don't do it!!!

Ramona


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## Marny CA

Unless this man is your father, you are supposed to be partners.

Your father has the right to tell you what to do - if you are not yet an adult and live in the house for which he provides you food and shelter, etc.

If you are married to your father -- then you don't sleep with him.

If you are an adult and married to a man (or woman) who abuses you emotionally, you are absolutely the only person who can fix, change, and control your own life.

My husband loved that I had hobbies - especially since my hobbies cost less than his! LOL 

Unfortunately, he died at the age of 55 back in 2001 -- and didn't take his hobbies with him.

He would be sad for you ... and embarrassed that a man who is supposed to be your partner would treat you so shabby. Yes, speaking a language around you that they know you don't understand is rude and disrespectful.

Your husband has no backbone - and is supposed to be YOUR knight in shining armour - and tell his family to speak so you can understand, too -- or leave.

Only you know why you stay.


----------



## MamaBonz 55

theolderchick said:


> You hit the nail on the head,by packing it all away,out of site,mark the calendar then see how long it takes him to find a new axe to grind.I have a feeling it wont take long.Sounds like a plan to me,
> and hang in there,cuz were all hanging with you.


Your description of your knitting/stash sounds modest and within very reasonable bounds. That's not the root of this.

I have a strong feeling it is not about knitting at all. It is about whatever he can pick on to exercise control. As soon as you stop knitting, he'll find something else. When that happens, flee. For the sake of your sanity and maybe even your health - don't hang around. Better still, find a lawyer, put his stuff on the porch and change the locks.

Meanwhile, it would be a good idea to see a marriage counselor. My own daughter waited too long to do that and nearly lost her life. Yes, it does take two to make a good marriage - or a bad one - but both have to want things to be good.


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## debbie1

Hey,, don't you feel like you can do what you want to do as long as it's not hurting anybody including him? what in the world is his problem.. You keep knitting and don't let him run you like that,,, that's not the way it works and that's coming from a lady that's been married to a wonderful guy who happens to think that marriage is 100% 100%. We've been married over 56 years and believe me it takes work and understanding on both sides. Nothing should ever, ever be one sided. Now I've had my say... You choose. My blessing are with you and him too for sure....


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## Bettye

If you give up knitting, then he will turn everything to you blaming him for giving up your love. A person such as he will always find something or someone to blame. He must be a miserable and unhappy, unfullfilled man to begrudge you the pleasure you take from knitting. He is jealous that
you find happiness when he cannot. (I doubt that he knows that)


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## marykelly

Don't give up the knitting. If you do, he'll just find something else to remove from your life. If you let him, eventually you'll be without a hobby, without a job, without friends and family, and trapped in a house with a man who wont't give you any of his time either. He's an insensitive, selfish, controlling louse. Don't think you have to give everything up because you love him. He doesn't really love you. I've seen this happen to too many women, and it always starts with something like this. If your family and friends have enjoyed what you've made, you're a wonderful person who does not need to be diminished by someone so small.


----------



## Norma B.

Donnathomp said:


> Some of the comments posted about this topic are pretty silly, some are downright selfish and some are ridiculous. marriage is not a 50-50 partnership. It is each one giving 100% to make things work. I truly hope 'yover8' can make things work.


Some of this may be true. I always remind myself there are two sides to every story and we're only hearing one. But what people are responding to here is what we see and interpret as rude, selfish, controllng behavior on the part of this husband. We all come from one side or the other---we either have been in that boat, or we have never been in that boat. You can't really second-guess a situation from across the state, the country, or the world, and even a professional psychologist would need more information and time to give a sound diagnosis, prognosis, and advice. What we're all trying to do is to let our sister know that she has support in whatever she decides is best for her, and hopefully it WILL be. (Unless it's giving up knitting. :-D )


----------



## illusionsbydonna

Are you married to my dad? My mother spent the 45 years of their marriage jumping up to look busy as soon as my dad's vehicle drove in the driveway..She had better be at the kitchen sink or stove when he walked in.. (From his evening visit to his favorite bar) Who wants to live like that? Though I miss having a partner I would never want one who treats me with such disrespect. If I were you, me and my knitting would be heading to the library for some peace and quiet.. I've been spending a good bit of time in McDonalds lately sitting and knitting, recently..I've become known as 'that lady who knits'..


----------



## sinaacrafter

I agree with most of what I read and hope I'm not simply repeating what others have said, but, first, you're married to a whinya__ crybaby,, who doesn't seem to care what makes you happy. Haven't you seen the t-shirts that say things like "I knit so I don't kill anyone?" I tell people all the time that my knitting and beading keeps my husband alive, because it gives me an outlet for my energy, and, possibly, my anger? I'm lucky. I'm married to a PITA who knows I'm going to do what I do, no matter what. He constantly interrupts me, something my kids learned a long time ago not to do, but he would never dream of stopping me. I don't work, anymore, because of several surgeries that have severely cut down on my activities. As a result of these surgeries, he has been forced to take care of the house, work, and taking care of all but my most basic needs. And yes, he even had to help me shower!
Your hubby seems like he's waiting for you to stab him in the eye with your needles. Buckle down, girl, don't let him do this to you! You need your sanity, and knitting is one way to hold on to it! If your hobby bugs him, tell him he needs to find one of his own! My hubby has one, and I love interrupting him, like he does to me. Just keeping things on the 50/50, the way I like it. Seems like 50/50 doesn't exist in your life. Explain how you need things like he does, and he should learn to respect that.


----------



## marvel fauquier

He is selfish...He should see my stash, 4 totes full, but I use my yarn for charity. He needs a hobby.
If this was my husband I'd give him an ultimatum. Either I knit and enjoy myself or out the door.
Let him decide. Bah Humbug


----------



## pfoley

Norma B. said:


> pfoley said:
> 
> 
> 
> Well I would never quit knitting since you enjoy it, but since he is unreasonable, you could always not knit in front of him, not knit on the plane with him, not knit when you have company. Just knit when you are alone without him around. Hide your projects and yarn from view; I don't see that it should be a problem. If it annoys him that much just do it in another room but you don't have to quit doing what you enjoy. There are other ways to solve this problem without much sacrifice.
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry, but this is NOT a good idea. How resentful it would make you to have to go underground with the things you love to do as if you're doing something shameful. "What are you doing?" "OH NOTHING!! JUST TIDYING UP IN HERE!" (while stuffing your knitting under the sofa cushion.) Ummm, no, not a good idea at all.
Click to expand...

=========
Oh I shouldn't have used the word "hide". I just meant to not have the knitting littered all over the house, because he seems to hate looking at it all the time, and to keep it neatly in one place. I didn't mean for her to do anything sneaky at all. But, my solution was that if it was really that annoying to him, she should just knit in another room or whenever he is in another room, that's all; it is better than getting rid of him as others have suggested. I don't see it as that serious.


----------



## vannavanna

To Joan and Elizkay---Ditto


----------



## marykelly

Me too


----------



## Elliemay

Relatively new spouse? You should have conducted a better interview! Renegotiate! Mine does not like the light I need to see patterns... I can knit without looking most of the time.. but he is an old spouse and if I wait awhile he falls asleep in his chair and problem solved. Good luck my dear


----------



## 2mchyrn

Norma B. said:


> Donnathomp said:
> 
> 
> 
> Some of the comments posted about this topic are pretty silly, some are downright selfish and some are ridiculous. marriage is not a 50-50 partnership. It is each one giving 100% to make things work. I truly hope 'yover8' can make things work.
> 
> 
> 
> Some of this may be true. I always remind myself there are two sides to every story and we're only hearing one. But what people are responding to here is what we see and interpret as rude, selfish, controllng behavior on the part of this husband. We all come from one side or the other---we either have been in that boat, or we have never been in that boat. You can't really second-guess a situation from across the state, the country, or the world, and even a professional psychologist would need more information and time to give a sound diagnosis, prognosis, and advice. What we're all trying to do is to let our sister know that she has support in whatever she decides is best for her, and hopefully it WILL be. (Unless it's giving up knitting. :-D )
Click to expand...

 :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


----------



## ACAROLG

Is he really worth keeping?


----------



## Blueathlone

So sorry for your troubles. Knitting is the friend you are giving up...don't do it. Relatively new husband is selfish and childish and is emotionally holding you hostage by harrassing you about your hobby. Think long and hard about throwing in the towel or raising the white flag. I wish you well,yover8.


----------



## morningdew

your man is so lucky hes not married to me, i would have trussed him up by now with all my wool. dont give up what you enjoy doing as a hobby you are not doing anything wrong.if you give it up he will think he has won what will be the next thing he asks you to give up? ignore him he is acting like a baby you could always offer to knit him a dummy :mrgreen:


----------



## mamiepooh

I feel sorry for you.
There's no good or bad decision. Only the consequences are different. Do whatever it takes for you to be happy.


----------



## vannavanna

Quite a few comments re "knitting on the plane". How are you able to board with needles in your bag?


----------



## mollyannhad

You need your knitting to keep your stress levels down. It is a hobby that is also good for your health! Keep on knitting!


----------



## ShamelessKnitwit

WONDERFUL ANSWER. Hang in there. He will have to come around.


gagesmom said:


> jmcret05 said:
> 
> 
> 
> My solution:
> 
> 1. Get a pair of metal ones --hell appreciate the wood.
> 2. No knitting in public if he is along. Go without him.
> 3. No knitting with company. Ask relatives to please speak English because you are listening not knitting.
> 4. Hide all of them you are not currently working on.
> 5. Point out that a lot of knitters are just trying to keep the mind working and sharper and it keeps you younger
> 6. OK, you can cut back on that one -- a little
> 7. Stash them with the projects, out of sight
> 8. Clean up the stash by giving away to some worthy cause all of the odds and ends and organize the rest . You could put them in vacuum-sealed bags and they will look like less.
> 9. Buy less and spend more per project.
> 10. Take a walk together and give him some me-time, especially at a time he wants to rest. Put down the knitting and ask him to do something with you until he crys uncle.
> 11. Dont make him anything--thats anything. Point out how much you save on gifts.
> 12. Turn on the ballgame, fight, whatever he likes to watch and knit away.
> 
> By all means, keep those needles going and tell him it keeps you sane and its better than being out looking for a divorce lawyer.
> 
> 
> 
> Ya, what she said :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:
Click to expand...


----------



## 2mchyrn

vannavanna said:


> Quite a few comments re "knitting on the plane". How are you able to board with needles in your bag?


Never has been a problems for me. I never use metal needles so, I don't know if that is the difference. Right after 9/11 my very small manicure scissors were taken out of my knitting bag -- totally ridiculous for the sharp points on my knitting needles could have done more harm than those. I fly Southwest generally so I don't know if that also is the difference. I generally see a lot of people knitting while waiting for boarding their flight.


----------



## CarolBest

I once read a story about a man who hated the mole on his wife's chin. She had it removed. Then he noticed that she had a red spot on her cheek. She had that taken care of. He then noticed that one eyebrow was higher than the other. The end of the story was that she died of one correction too many.

You have already said that the knitting part of you is dead. What's next?


----------



## Marny CA

ShamelessKnitwit said:


> WONDERFUL ANSWER. Hang in there. He will have to come around.
> [quote=gagesmom
> 
> Come around? To what?
> 
> He obviously doesn't do anything he doesn't want or choose to do.
> 
> Time for culling the dead weight of an ungrateful and disrespectful boor.
> 
> He chose the woman as his spouse -- and sounds sorry for making the choice - so is angry at himself - and takes it out on her.
> 
> Life is too short.
> 
> In my first marriage of almost 14 years and in an almost 10 years relationship after that marriage, I learned a very important lesson:
> 
> It is easier to be lonely by myself than to be lonely living with someone else.
> 
> Once understanding and learning that, I was open to meeting and marrying a man who loved and respected me because he chose me and said he has good taste. We laughed a lot.


----------



## theolderchick

Norma B. said:


> pfoley said:
> 
> 
> 
> Well I would never quit knitting since you enjoy it, but since he is unreasonable, you could always not knit in front of him, not knit on the plane with him, not knit when you have company. Just knit when you are alone without him around. Hide your projects and yarn from view; I don't see that it should be a problem. If it annoys him that much just do it in another room but you don't have to quit doing what you enjoy. There are other ways to solve this problem without much sacrifice.
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry, but this is NOT a good idea. How resentful it would make you to have to go underground with the things you love to do as if you're doing something shameful. "What are you doing?" "OH NOTHING!! JUST TIDYING UP IN HERE!" (while stuffing your knitting under the sofa cushion.) Ummm, no, not a good idea at all.
Click to expand...

Not asking her to quit at all.Its called remedial action!!All it is doing is asking her to prove something to herself that the guy she is married too will have a problem with whatever she does.In her mind she would know this is a test for her own wellbeing and future .She knows in her heart she will always do what she loves,the problem would be how much does she love him,and how much is she willing to sacrifice for a selfish poor excuse for a husband.


----------



## Knuttyknitter941

Didn't he know you knitted before he asked you to marry him??

He would have to go. Your knitting will be with you long after he is gone. Tell him to go find someone else to boss around. DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR KNITTING. (The unappreciative B_____D.)


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## Marny CA

Loving someone should never be a sacrifice of one's self esteem.

Love does not hurt.


----------



## tmazevedo

Don't give up your knitting, sounds like somehting you love to do, i'd give him an ultimatum, "if you don't like my knitting, fix me a room, complete with a place to store my stash, and a t.v., where I can go to knit and not bother yhou, or I'll find a place, preferably somewhere else, where I can have some peace and quiet to enjoy my hobby.


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## garlicginger

I understand what you're saying, but it's the classic case of "Let him without sin throw the first stone." Surely there must be something that he "collects" or spends 'frivolous' time on --------- like sports on TV perhaps? If you're sure that he and the marriage are worth it, then you have to point out a fault or two of his. Not that you need to make him roll in it, but rubbing his nose in it might be good. Our sons (grown) and their wives and my hubbie have hit me with the "it's rude to knit in front of others" thing also but have become more tolerant when I made it known that they wouldn't get the hat/scarf/bracelet/ purse I was knitting them for Christmas because I didn't have enough free time to make them. My hubbie is a fisherman and keeps his mouth closed now since I marched him to the basement and itemized all his equipment and lures..........14 reels, indeed!!!!!! So, hang in there and stay true to your priorities.
There's always enough time to knit here!


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## CalifJane

I feel so sorry for you. I have been a widow for many, many years and still miss my husband. I miss especially the little things, a pat on my bottom when he passed me in the kitchen, holding his hand walking down the street and the fact he was my biggest fan when I was knitting or crocheting! We watched television together and I could still talk to him and/or comment on the program. I still think of him when I knit and wish I could show him what I am making. He told me to take pictures of what I knit because I gave so many away.


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## shelty lover

I have three words for him: Get over it!!

Surely, he is controlling in other areas? Carry on, and giggle when he starts as though he is such a charming jokester.


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## spiritwalker

Have you given any serious thought to getting rid of the husband.
Anyone who sounds that unhappy should move on. you are better off with your needles and yarn.


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## PaulineRose

United we stand, divided we fall. Keep knitting, sister!


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## cogemgal

Ithink the problem is he has no hobbies & you do; and you are probably good at it. He is feeling insecure and wants your attention. Please, don't "cave" and give in; knitting is part of your soul. Compromise, is the best way to get along. Be creative, Always!


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## Linda6885

You can not give up a hobby that you get so much pleasure out of. Sounds like he is jealious and controlling. Neither do you need to make excuses for what you like to do with your time and your money. People have all kinds of hobbies, constructive and non. Only you can know, what is best for you, and how to handle his childish behavior. But he is being a bully. Good luck and stop knitting anything for him!!


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## Marny CA

CalifJane said:


> I feel so sorry for you. I have been a widow for many, many years and still miss my husband. I miss especially the little things, a pat on my bottom when he passed me in the kitchen, holding his hand walking down the street and the fact he was my biggest fan when I was knitting or crocheting! We watched television together and I could still talk to him and/or comment on the program. I still think of him when I knit and wish I could show him what I am making. He told me to take pictures of what I knit because I gave so many away.


My beloved husband died of Esophageal Cancer in 2001 - he was 55. He, too, was my champion on every level - his greatest joy was each time he made me laugh.

We laughed a lot - every day ...

During hospice at home, I said to him: This should be me, honey. I'm older, smoked more/smoked longer, both parents died of cancers/your parents are still alive, only sibling died of cancer/your siblings are still alive - this should be me, not you.

He touched my arm and said (as he was breathing with oxygen up his nose): Honey, I'm glad it's me and not you.

I said 'Why!?'

He said: "Because you'd be a pain in the as*!"

We laughed for at least 10 minutes.


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## knittingbee

My goodness! I have to agree with those who say your husband sounds like a control freak. I think he is jealous of your knitting and the time you spend with it. (Mine has some issues so perhaps I am putting my own spin on it.) In any case I do not think you should give up knitting. Keep your wonderful stash and needles and use thm with love and joy. I do not know you but it sounds like you should seek a councilor or speak with a minister. The knitting is not the problem-your husband is. Good luck and know that you have a community here that is pulling for your well being.


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## sam0767

Oh no, no, no!!!!! Why do you give up something that you enjoy to do and is rewarding and relaxing for you also? I am sure you love you husband otherwise you would not have married him. In time and as the years go by we grow to get comfortable with each other and the complaints begin. I would just ask him to elaborate on his complaints and try to come up with a easy solution for each one and let him know that you do not intend to give up something that you enjoy and is relaxing for you after working all day and doing what is expected of you such as keep the house clean cook the meals and clean up after the meal. If there is no compermise then you have the right to send him to his room or take something away he really likes for a while. LOL!!! perhaps seperate rooms if he is anoyed by your knitting. And if the family and friends don't mind you knitting in front of them then he shouldn't either.


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## pfarley4106

cashgora said:


> i nearly cried when i read your post. please don't give up & give in to this. when there is no knitting to criticise you for he will only find another topic to take its place. i've been where you are & i feel your pain. know that you are not alone, reach out to your family for the strength you need to keep on being yourself. i suggest you try an experiment. pack all your knitting away where neither of you see any of it & try living a non-knitting life. first, to see if you can exist this way & second, to see how long it takes him to find a new object for his frustrations. i think you will find that your knitting is only a symptom of the problem & not the cause. my thoughts are with you.


This was so well said. I have not been able to stop thinking of you all day. I feel your pain.


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## gma11331

Wow! This has certainly generated a plethora of responses. I go with the majority--don't give up your hobby. My marriage would not have lasted 47 years had my late DH had tried to tell me what I could or could not do as long as it was legal. A man who would deny his wife one of her harmless pleasures is not a man in my opinion. A pox upon him....


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## pfarley4106

I think your title "Death of A Knitter" says it all.... It seems you know that it would be a living death to stop knitting. As yourself is this how I want to live my remaining years?


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## dijewe

peachy51 said:


> Hmmm ... haven't read all the replies ... BUT if it were me? I would toss the husband the keep the knitting! :mrgreen:


Exactly what I was going to say. Mine made one or two snarky comments when I started knitting again about 2 years ago, and when I retorted that he could move out anytime it gets too much for him, won't bat an eyelash and will help to toss his belongings into the street for him, he gave up and has learned to live with all the yarn and other knitting paraphanalia.
Please don't allow yourself to be bullied by him, you are worth more than that!


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## cspaen34

illusionsbydonna said:


> .. I've been spending a good bit of time in McDonalds lately sitting and knitting, recently..I've become known as 'that lady who knits'..


Gosh, I thought I was the only knitter in McDonalds!! I have the same reputation. I live in NW Indy -- maybe you are close?


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## bretsfp

NEVER give in to a selfish MAN!!!! :twisted:


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## peanutpatty

Dear yover8, I'm sure there have never been so many replies to a post here, EVER! And to a man/woman in 100% agreement. I hope this gives you the conviction and the courage to do what you finally decide. But whatever, make sure you protect yourself, emotionally, physically and financially.
One thought: tell him you will give the knitting a rest for a while and offer to learn his language for something to occupy you. An accomodating gesture on your part, and at least the family wouldn't be able to talk about you!
PS: My husband likes to be controlling - when I let him. Makes him feel in charge.


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## judyr

WOW! This discussion has gone on for 42 pages. You really hit a nerve and I think he hit the nerve of all of us knitters. Would he give up what he likes the most? Smoking, eating, going out with the guys, ballgames, football games on the TV, etc. You have heard from the majority of us women and I think we all have the consensus that this is your time and your craft (not to mention your money) and if this makes you happy, by all means keep doing it. I have agreed with all of the KPers here, but the bottom line is your decision.


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## PaulineRose

Maybe I wouldn't try 'sending him to his room' or taking away 'something he really likes for a while'. I know that he is behaving badly, but I don't think treating him like a naughty small boy will help at all...


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## abc123retired

Emotional abuse-do not let him get away with it. Go into a different room and knit to your heart's content. Book widely separate seats on the airplane and knit away. Maybe isolation for a while will change his heart. Don't give it up.


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## lorenam

yover8, 
I was married to some one who did not appreciate anything I did. I am married now to a most wonderfull man
who thinks I can achieve anything I put my mind to. some times more than I, and usually he is right. I do not know if you beleive in God but he said" husband LOVE your wife as God LOVES the church" and do you know that eaach one of us is the church. Darling every one needs down time for sanity and to re-charge one self. If you give this up, you will soon find yourself giving up more and more till there is no you. Take it from someone who knows.
Do not make up your mind right away, take a breath and try to see this situation from an outside point of view. You are very SMART AND ARE PRICELESS, YOU SEE THERE IS ONLY ONE OF YOU!!!
MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND BE HAPPY.


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## MaryCarter

Please don't do that....tell him if your knitting bothers him you will knit somewhere else, and then find a comfy spot somewhere else in the house to knit in. My husband won't watch television with me because I make too many comments. Instead of just thinking that's crap, I say....that's crap, for most of the evening....it must be very annoying for him, but I have always done it., like my father before me,. So he watches TV on his computer in the office. My yarn and projects are also neatly tucked away in a spare cupboard, so he can't whine about my messy habit. Again please don't stop knitting because of him, knit in spite of him, in another room.


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## Medicgirl

Well if you are hanging up your skates, let me know as my young daughter is becoming an avid knitter. Always looking for yarn and needles looking for homes. As for husband, only you know what is worth the fight. I tell mine this hobby is better than any vice and it calms and sooths me. Good luck. XOXO


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## crjc

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


Don't you dare!!! He can find himself a hobby. So what happens when he eventually finds something he loves to do and you are left without your knitting. Oh these men.


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## Holly A

you only get what you take !!! I Question your judgement. You could not tell he is NUTS. I don't care about his education or anything else. There is something wrong with him. He is lucky he is married to you and not me. If I were his wife I would bring home my boyfriends the line would go down the road. I am so upset by this that I feel sick to my stomach. Get some guts about you and get rid of him now. This behavior will get worse. What is next ?? Think about this. Take some pride in yourself if you don't no one else will.


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## threekidsmom

ha, ha, ha! That is too funny!


bobctwn65 said:


> urrr i hate controling men...glad i am a widow


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## MamaBonz 55

MaryCarter said:


> Please don't do that....tell him if your knitting bothers him you will knit somewhere else, <snip>


I agree. She should knit somewhere else. Somewhere very far away. Perhaps in another state.


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## MegK31

If you give in to him over your knitting then he will find something else he wants to control. Knitting is relaxing and you sound more like you need the knitting than you need him. He is a selfish control freak.


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## lizmaxwell

I know what i would give up, and it would not be the knitting. To earn the salary that you are earing you must be an intelligent,, competant woman . Although perhaps you need to be controlled - i think not so unless you only measure your own worth by the fact that you have " got " a man you know what you need to do and that is to disengage yourself from this destructive relationship.........


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## crjc

H


Jessica-Jean said:


> Cathryn 2ed said:
> 
> 
> 
> If I were you I would pack it all away. Don't give it away until you are sure he won't be sorry when he has a wife with nothing better to do than bitch at him about all his faults.
> 
> 
> 
> I imagine that once you _do_ begin to "bitch at him about all his faults", he'll wonder what in Hades happened to change you so! With any luck, he'll realize that your knitting was shielding him from your rants and re-supply you with needles and yarn!
Click to expand...

 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: send for the straight-jacket people.


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## anntics

peanutpatty said:


> Dear yover8, I'm sure there have never been so many replies to a post here, EVER! And to a man/woman in 100% agreement. I hope this gives you the conviction and the courage to do what you finally decide. But whatever, make sure you protect yourself, emotionally, physically and financially.
> One thought: tell him you will give the knitting a rest for a while and offer to learn his language for something to occupy you. An accomodating gesture on your part, and at least the family wouldn't be able to talk about you!
> PS: My husband likes to be controlling - when I let him. Makes him feel in charge.


Learning his language is a great idea. My friend was married to a foreigner years ago (now divorced). When she visited his family, his mother and sisters used to jabbber away at her and about her but always smiling broadly. It was only after they parted that she found out that far from being complimentary and friendly they were referring to her as 'the f*****g English whore' and other derogatory terms!!

I would not give up my hobbies and my husband would not expect me to. I have my own craft room in a converted garage which my husband fitted out with shelves and a workbench. My wool stash fills the spare bedroom double wardrobe and the overflow is stored behind the settee and chairs in the living room. My spare sewing material is stored in the loft and various other supplies are under the bunkbeds in the room where the grandkids sleep when they come to stay. He jokes about me having more 'stuff' than the craft shop, but I never have to justify anything I buy, craft or otherwise. With an income like yours you shouldn't have to either.

You have had some great advice and ideas and I hope you work things out.


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## GrannyP

So what exactly does this prize of a catch do besides pick at you? Anything constructive? If you ask me (and you kind of did by posting), this is a form of abuse and should not be tolerated. Counseling is probably not something he would go for (just guessing), but maybe you should consider it for your well being. Don't let him stop you from enjoying your hobby.


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## 2mchyrn

theolderchick said:


> Norma B. said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> pfoley said:
> 
> 
> 
> Well I would never quit knitting since you enjoy it, but since he is unreasonable, you could always not knit in front of him, not knit on the plane with him, not knit when you have company. Just knit when you are alone without him around. Hide your projects and yarn from view; I don't see that it should be a problem. If it annoys him that much just do it in another room but you don't have to quit doing what you enjoy. There are other ways to solve this problem without much sacrifice.
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry, but this is NOT a good idea. How resentful it would make you to have to go underground with the things you love to do as if you're doing something shameful. "What are you doing?" "OH NOTHING!! JUST TIDYING UP IN HERE!" (while stuffing your knitting under the sofa cushion.) Ummm, no, not a good idea at all.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Not asking her to quit at all.Its called remedial action!!All it is doing is asking her to prove something to herself that the guy she is married too will have a problem with whatever she does.In her mind she would know this is a test for her own wellbeing and future .She knows in her heart she will always do what she loves,the problem would be how much does she love him,and how much is she willing to sacrifice for a selfish poor excuse for a husband.
Click to expand...

 :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## puttle

It has been reported that knitting, like hand embroidery and other needlearts have the same benefits as meditation. Don't give up that peace and relaxation for someone who is not even trying to understand. 
Suggest to him that if he truly cared about you he would want you to do something that gave you relaxation and allowed you to be creative. 
Has he said what he thought would be a better alternative? Probably giving him a back rub. 
You need another room to do your knitting in, and watch a separate TV...or dump him.
One more thing...maybe he needs ear plugs.


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## cgcharles

Same scenerio here with first husband. I told my future husband 33 years ago if he ever laid a hand on me there would be 2 hits, him hitting me and him hitting the floor.


cathy47 said:


> I just have to say this. I was married for 5 years to a man that acted the same way. It became physical when I went and used MY money I earned on a piece of furniture. Lets just say to this day if any Male puts a hand on me in anger he is taking his life in his own hands cause I swore no male no matter who will not live to see the next sun rise. I left this fool and got on my own. Back then we didn't have the services we have now, the courts didn't listen to us no one did not even my family. So I was alone and put down for doing what I did. If you ever seen the movie "The Burning Bed" that's how close it came for my now x. Its scary to get out on your own but the survive mode kicks in you can do anything you set your mind to do.
> 
> Once you give up "self" your life is theirs and you will no longer exist. You have two choices...its all up to you.
> 
> the vows do not state to be controlled by one. It states to honor respect. You are one but not all. My x also controlled if I could buy yarn and other such supplies.. Be strong fight back..he is a bullie little boy. He needs his mama send him packing to her.


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## Patsavage

I am sorry you have given in to him. Would he make the same kind of sacrifice? Fight on for us knitters!!! x


yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


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## Esponga

When's the trial we can send testimonials to defend you!! I hope you are kidding about caving in !?!?!?


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## nwjasu

Please keep knitting, remember it is your serenity. He will find something new to complain about if there is not your knitting. He has some serious problems and as is frequently said in the advice columns, "get some couples counseling". There are lots of bad omens in what you wrote. Good luck and take good care of yourself, because he will not do that.


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## ireneofnc

Don't think I've ever heard that knitting needles are too loud, even the metal ones!


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## declyn15

He does not sounds like a loving, supportive husband. You need to rethink this relationship but I would surmise this is not the only area of your marriage that he tries to control....One of the reasons my marriage number one only lasted 1 years but my second one has lasted 30years. Good luck to you......


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## Joy Hoffmann

tell him to get a life. in the ausralian vernicular he is a controlling mongrel, and a dead set moron.
And that is being nice. H e needs to grow up. Don't give in to him or he will control your life for the rest of your life :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbup:


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## Metrogal

You're going to let him win???? No way...thank goodness my husband doesn't care when I knit...no matter when or where. Just let anything he says run off you like water off a duck's back.


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## kabedew

After reading your note, I thought....mmmm....maybe DH means Dead Husband.....but then, I like to fantasize in strange ways. 

I was with a husband like yours for over 24 years, and it took another 10 to finalize the divorce. I worked from the home as an Avon rep., while raising 3 children (which I had in 2 1/2 years...a set of twins), and no matter what I did....was not right. If I took our children to a museum during the summer, I was "vacationing" without him. If I chose to knit mittens for our children from donated yarn.....they were not good enough but he didn't have any money to buy better.

I am so sorry you are struggling with such emotional and verbal abuse. It took me a long time to escape. And, yes, I did love him....even paid for his funeral when he died at a very young age...59....as a result of his behavior choices. 

But, no one deserves to be treated as you are being treated. I hope you find your way to the serenity I have. It was a long and hard journey.....I had 3 very young children and no reliable income.....but it was worth it.

Take care of yourself first. Remember when we fly, the instruction is "put the mask on yourself FIRST, then help others"

karen who survived Sandy with little damage


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## Joy Hoffmann

tell him to get a life. in the ausralian vernicular he is a controlling mongrel, and a dead set moron.
And that is being nice. H e needs to grow up. Don't give in to him or he will control your life for the rest of your life :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :


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## gclemens

Do what is right for you. None of the rest of us matter. It is your life and you must live it for yourself. That is our only task while we are here: Live our lives the best way that we can for ourselves and then live with the results.


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## leesie

Wow, everybody here feels the way I do, but before any permanent steps are taken, can you talk to your hubby?SayingI respect the things you do without question, so 
why on earth should I give up something i really love? Look him straight in the eye, with a smile on your face and say, why is there anything else I should really give up?


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## Shugntx

You might tell him that when things get so bad that he can not take it any more to not let the door knob hit his tush on the way out. And do not blame me. You will have made the decision to leave and I will do same thing. :-D


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## LizAnne

Take care of you! You deserve to be happy and he should want to make you happy. What's important to you should be important to him. I hope you will make it a priority to care about yourself. God Bless You!


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## GrammySandie

Well my husband gives me grief about my hobbies from time to time. Once I did the unthinkable and got rid of everything trying to appease him. Guess what? I ended up starting back up knitting, crocheting, sewing, doing all the crafty things I love to do. If I had kept everything it would have been so much cheaper. I guess my point is marriage is a give and take. I am sure there are plenty of things your new husband does that you are not particularly fond of too. He may not understand your need or desire to knit however he should allow you to do those things that you love and make you - you. Hopefully you will continue to knit and keep your stash & your husband. Good luck and let us know how this turns out.


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## mu6gr8

Oh, wow - this is the voice of experience speaking to you - get out now while you can. No matter what you change, nothing will ever be good enough for him. He is a control freak of the worst kind. His issue is not with your knitting, but with whether or not he can control you. (I suffered for 20 years only because I had children and knew I could not support them on my own - he made sure of that.) If you don't stand your ground, he'll try to walk all over you. I don't mean to be an alarmist - just want to provide another perspective. Best of luck to you!


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## mamad1pet

chrshnsen said:


> If you enjoy knitting, DO NOT give it up. Train him. He can learn to tolerate your hobbies. He married you as you are, so stay as you are. Just don't bother to make anything for him.


I agree. He married YOU!


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## krestiekrew

ushag said:


> Oh, and does he really think its a good idea to wind up someone who's sitting by him with 2 sharp pointy sticks.....


...after reading more of the comments and input, I really got to thinking.

If he is getting ready to really become physically abusive, he may be thinking ahead on the pointy sticks! Think about it for a minute. They are metal, they are sharp and pointy and sorry to say, someone could get stabbed with one of them if the knitter were to say, get slapped or pushed, or worse.

Abusers also have this uncanny knack of making sure you have no access to anything that you could protect yourself with. I say this from first hand experience. It was violent and nasty. Please do it safely but gut feeling says you need to get out of this relationship, forget the counseling, they DO NOT CHANGE!..

~~~Main thing is to be certain of your own safety.~~~


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## donya

Keep the yarn,get rid of the husband!!!!!!!


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## knitpath

Also was married to a narcissist...so I sympathize. Ask him if he would rather have you out with "the girls" or home knitting and with him!


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## m2hvnfn

lorenam said:


> yover8,
> I was married to some one who did not appreciate anything I did. I am married now to a most wonderfull man
> who thinks I can achieve anything I put my mind to. some times more than I, and usually he is right. I do not know if you beleive in God but he said" husband LOVE your wife as God LOVES the church" and do you know that eaach one of us is the church. Darling every one needs down time for sanity and to re-charge one self. If you give this up, you will soon find yourself giving up more and more till there is no you. Take it from someone who knows.
> Do not make up your mind right away, take a breath and try to see this situation from an outside point of view. You are very SMART AND ARE PRICELESS, YOU SEE THERE IS ONLY ONE OF YOU!!!
> MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND BE HAPPY.


I was in the same boat at one time. Now I couldn't be happier! :-D


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## GenevaR

Take total of all advice here, pro and con, and think about how well you really knew your husband -- I am one of the lucky ones that got out without violence but have helped at a shelter where some were not so lucky. I have had two wonderful men since then, one died of cancer and one prizes all the things I make for our combined total of 23 great-grandchildren May God help you in your decision.


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## crafty jeanie

As long as I'm sitting on the couch with mine he doesn't care, I'm with him. Don't think I could handle someone that controlling again. Been there and done that and refuse to go there again.


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## sandyP

Norma B. said:


> WOW!! If anything could have created more of a firestorm of commentary, I can't imagine what it might be. There have been what---34 pages! I think this demonstrates what a nerve is touched when someone is being controlled and abused, and how much we all want to help you. The "give up hubby, not hobby" crowd has a good point, but so do those who encourage counselling. Retaliation sounds useful, but could backfire (though I loved the idea of clearing out the kitchen of all the "cooking clutter" or pulling the plug on the TV and computer because those can be the supreme waste of time.) I stayed married for 37 years to an emotionally abusive man before I accepted that's what it was and decided (with help) that enough is enough. I was never happier than when I made that decision, and I surely felt I had given it my best go. Now I can't even imagine being under someone else's control. PLEASE, whatever you do,STICK TO YOUR GUNS AND DON'T GIVE UP (ANOTHER) IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE. Speaking of guns, what's the law in your area about shooting abusive spouses? >)


Don't need a gun, we have sharp knitting needles! Maybe our friend could use these in another way instead of knitting, I know I would.


----------



## damemary

It's always easier to see what's really going on from the outside in. You'll notice that everyone seems to see that your relatively new husband is jealous of your hobby and thinks it is a husband's duty to tell his wife what to do. Perhaps some therapy sessions are in order....either together or alone. Now or later....I doubt the problem will disappear. We're here for you.


----------



## Jalsh

You're all missing the point here, she's telling us conflicting stories here: 

4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)

and 

8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)

a new project bought maybe twice a month??

This is a HOARDER!!!


----------



## mkjfrj

Shame on him; I'd not give up my knitting or crocheting for anyone - it keeps me sane. Have you tried knitting only when he's busy with his computer games (and they make a lot more noise than knitting needles ever thought of making).

Keep your chin up, maybe he'll come around eventually.


----------



## mkjfrj

Jalsh said:


> You're all missing the point here, she's telling us conflicting stories here:
> 
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 
> and
> 
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 
> a new project bought maybe twice a month??
> 
> Oh, I don't think 3 project bags and 100 skeins of yarn is too much; I've got that and more - I just keep everything in a box(es) downstairs and leave the project I'm currently working on in an attractive basket near my chair in the bedroom.
> 
> This is a HOARDER!!!


----------



## Jalsh

a hundred skeins of yarn with project bags attached! Who has that?


----------



## sandyP

Jalsh said:


> a hundred skeins of yarn with project bags attached! Who has that?


Many people on this site!!!


----------



## sueba

It is time for all your KP "family" to set him straight. 
Once you are in KP - you stay - you will not be allowed to 
leave. You have too much yarn, then you better get busy
knitting so you won't waste all the money you spent at
sales. Does he work full time? If so, the money you are spending is your's NOT his. Could he be going thru depression; feeling along? Has he thought what it would be like if you did stop knitting? He wouldn't have a minute
of peace around the house. If you can't knit to calm down, the bad feelings you have will go straight on him.

Within a month he would be begging you to start knitting again. Does he need some letters from KP people to change
his mind? We are not letting you go.


----------



## damemary

I thought it sounded rather modest.



sandyP said:


> Jalsh said:
> 
> 
> 
> a hundred skeins of yarn with project bags attached! Who has that?
> 
> 
> 
> Many people on this site!!!
Click to expand...


----------



## shockey

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


Controlling sun of a ..... keep at it yover8


----------



## damemary

Okay ladies. Let's yarn bomb the yard and give him something to think about.


----------



## sandyP

damemary said:


> I thought it sounded rather modest.
> 
> 
> 
> sandyP said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Jalsh said:
> 
> 
> 
> a hundred skeins of yarn with project bags attached! Who has that?
> 
> 
> 
> Many people on this site!!!
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...

Agree I don't think it is too much, I have a room dedicated to all my stash, not only knitting but sewing, quilting, crochet and UFO's . No one dares to complain to me coz they knows what I would do with all my sharp objects.


----------



## aascott52

You have got to be kidding.. Either that, or you don't knit much!!!



Jalsh said:


> You're all missing the point here, she's telling us conflicting stories here:
> 
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 
> and
> 
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 
> a new project bought maybe twice a month??
> 
> This is a HOARDER!!!


----------



## Shdy990

I'd get rid of him before I let him gain in this.


----------



## joelbears

Didn't have time to read all 47 pages, but I agree, do not give up knitting or reading or baking, just because he has problems. I have a Husband like that. I just shut him out and do as I please. Please consider how he treats you; not what you are doing to him, ahhhhh.


----------



## Frogger

Just read tHis to my hubby and he was astounded!! Told me he would rather have me sitting next to him in the evening knitting than anything else---he then suggested tell her to keep the yarn and consider what would be next!! I bow to my husbands wisdom!! LOL! He can't cook and knows who butters his bread!!


----------



## caroleg51

Buy a pair of long metal staright knitting needles( no take that back, I wil send you some for free!) accidently leave them in his chair, points up! maybe they will reach up far enough to alter his voice and you wont have to hear him anymore.. how dare he!


----------



## mzmom1

I don't think he's worth giving up knitting for, give him up instead. Control freaks don't mellow with time. What will he make you give up next? Your job? Friends? Family? This is the way a spousal abuser starts!!!


----------



## jlschulke

I really think you should give up the hubby rather than the knitting.


----------



## Geri D

On reflection I am amazed that so many of us have been mentally and physically abused by the very people we trusted, and in retrospect it started for me with a similar controlling situation. I divorced mine


----------



## ginger c

Give this obnoxious man his walking papers. :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown:


----------



## mmMardi

Jalsh said:


> You're all missing the point here, she's telling us conflicting stories here:
> 
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 
> and
> 
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 
> a new project bought maybe twice a month??
> 
> This is a HOARDER!!!


A hoarder is when it is impossible to get across the room due to what's being hoarded!


----------



## Cindycz

I'd give up the husband! Just my opinion


----------



## -knitter

ginger c said:


> Give this obnoxious man his walking papers. :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown:


I agree. I don't have time to read 47 pages, but I read three.
99.9% of us agree!


----------



## mmMardi

Jalsh said:


> a hundred skeins of yarn with project bags attached! Who has that?


A lot of us do!


----------



## mystic31714

hope you take all this good advise, he is a bully and a thoughtless SOB. Don,t you dare give up your hobby. And it has nothing to do with how much money you make. 
Make a cozy retreat area to knit in, away from him and see if he misses your company enough to be nice. 
You both need to talk this out and stand your ground.


----------



## akkath

Some men are just whiners, when they don't get what they want, and won't take any responsibility for their own boredom. Women usually have hobbies, often born out of necessity, for things we need, but men rarely have hobbies, so when they get bored, they expect us to fill that gap for them. I told my husband to do some winter projects, or go visit our kids, so I can have a couple of months alone. He likes going where it's warmer, and I love the alone time!!!


----------



## mmMardi

Tell him, "You are sorry he feels that way, but you are a creative soul and you need to create just like you need to breathe."


----------



## Betulove

Well it is late in the evening, there is 48 pages but I must add my two cent worth. I will love my hubby neck when he come in from work. When we married I told him I will not fuss about your hunting and fishing if you do not fuss about my flowers and yarn. He does most of my froging for me. I am very sorry you have to put up with this kind of treatment. I am a much better person with the yarn in my hands. Please do not give up. If it bother him so bad ask him to go into another room. Do not give up.


----------



## 7953Princess

I think he needs to go golfing and you need to keep knitting!


----------



## tryalot

Could be if you are newly married he resents you spending time not concentrating on him.
Or could be he is just a very childish little man who needs putting right


----------



## Inspired

My advice - threaten to change hobbies maybe quilting or machine embroidery.
Take your DH to a Bernina dealer and tell him you will give up knitting for a Bernina 830 - that'll run him about $13,000.00. He'll soon shut up about your knitting.


----------



## 2mchyrn

:thumbup: :thumbup:


----------



## grannykim

Relatively new hubby? how long have you been a knitter? Not saying its the same but I have issues with anyone telling me what I can and cannot do. My spouse would be proceeding with caution. What you do is up to you.


----------



## carrottop71

You poor thing. Knitting isn't what I'd give up, it would be the control nut husband; I guess I'm blessed with a man that doesn't mind my excess in reguard to my stash. Of course it's my 3rd time around. He was a long lost sweetheart I was re-united with after 22 years.I don't knit for him because he says he doesn't want me to, but lately he has mentioned a sweater. He should thank his lucky stars for the good wife he has. Bless you. I'll say a prayer tonight for you and the control hubby.


----------



## nanma esther

tell HIM to get a hobby or a divorce, what did you see in this man, was he hiding mr jeckle?


----------



## dpamela57

IGNORE HIM. Make sure he gets fed all
The time so he has food in his
Mouth and can't talk. Hahahahaha


----------



## Forgetfull

Your man needs to get a life! He's acting like a spoiled teenager and wants ALL your attention! Tell him to kiss your grits and keep on Knitting!!


----------



## newtoknitting528

I think your hubby is being very selfish. If he loves you and you love knitting then you should continue to knit. Maybe go on knitting retreats, knit when he is gone, keep your yarn somewhere else, a friend's, the trunk of your car, anywhere but around him. go into a room with a lock and view yarn/ patterns online. Maybe when you are unacessable he will realize that he'd rather have you in the room than somewhere else. Keep us posted. Much luck to you !


----------



## qxerox

DO NOT GIVE IN!!
My daughter's boyfriend once said to her "Why do you waste your time doing this?"
THEN he had a friend who had a baby--she gave a baby gift (handknit) and now he has a queue for her for future babies!
I would not give in on this--The relaxation you gain from knitting is immeasurable--heartrates slow and blood pressure is better with a knitter!!!
DO NOT GIVE IN!!


----------



## rainbowsend

I haven't read right through so someone else has probably told you already but ---- If it wasn't your knitting it would be something else and it will go on and on until you have nothing left to give up. He's a control freak. I was married for far too long to an abusive controller.


----------



## celiaj

Doesn't 47 pages tell you something, don't let him get the best of you, you deserve to knit if it makes you happy, if he isn't happy then that is not your problem, its his!

CeliaJ


----------



## fisherwoman

Sounds like a Super Narcissist to me! Seems like it's "all about HIM", wanting the attention, and JEALOUS of your interests.

If he had something to do other then you entertaining him, you can be sure "your interest in knitting " would not interest him in the least.

He should be applauding you and be proud of you instead of him calling the shots!

Challenge him by not acting meek and asking what are his interests going forward in life and in this new marriage?

Fisherwoman


----------



## mzmom1

Were you already a knitter when you married? If so, tell him he married a knitter and get over himself. What gall!!


----------



## Bettye

Holly A said:


> you only get what you take !!! I Question your judgement. You could not tell he is NUTS. I don't care about his education or anything else. There is something wrong with him. He is lucky he is married to you and not me. If I were his wife I would bring home my boyfriends the line would go down the road. I am so upset by this that I feel sick to my stomach. Get some guts about you and get rid of him now. This behavior will get worse. What is next ?? Think about this. Take some pride in yourself if you don't no one else will.


I think this is just a bit over the line and not appropriate for this site. We all can get frustrated with our mate and need to let off steam so berating the woman is just not the right thing to do.


----------



## hersh

Show him the door. Get a good lawyer....accountant.......and last but not least a good life. Every second you stay in this sick enviroment you encourage huge mental health issues. 
Why do you need this person in your life? Make a list....check it twice.......and run fast.


----------



## akann

Look him in the eye and tell him that when a person loves someone they want them to be happy Even if they don't understand why certain things make the
other happy. So, you like to knit and it makes you happy, he should be happy for you. If climbing trees in the middle of the night made him happy, you would let him. You may not join him or understand but, you love him and it harms no one. You might even plant some fast growing trees.
It is a matter of love and respect and you need both for any marriage. This is not a small thing it is the tip of the iceberg because after the knitting it will be something else, and something else until you are no more. Good Luck
Edit to add: I read your post to my Husband and he says "She hasn't dumped him?"


----------



## sinaacrafter

yover8,

I wrote to you earlier, but I wonder, does this man really miss how special you are and how much money you are saving him with handmade gifts? And about you spending your own money to purchase your supplies? Tell him what I told my hubby when we first started setting up house together: he complained that I spent money at the craft stores. I told him I could take his money and use it on drugs or alcohol, or something equally useless, and as far as getting the money for it, wouldn't he rather pay for a habit that would save him money, and that I can earn money for doing(which I do, on occasion)by going out on the corner and earn my money that way, which could bring him something he doesn't want. He's never complained since


----------



## Althea

Ditch him


----------



## unie

NO!!! NO!!! Tune him out. Keep your knitting.. Tell him if he doesn't like it, TOUGH!!! You work and help earn a living for your family and you deserve your pleasure in knitting. DO you love him enough to let him bully you?? If so, I'll pray for your strength to overcome the fear.


----------



## Ezenby

DH would really have a fit if he knew what Im reading right now. OH NO....I may just get some very bad ideas.....ha ha..yes, most of them do not understand women...and of course, some of us do not understand them...at least that is what they say. From the comments here it seems to be a universal issue and women are still to be their lapdogs. This is why so many women are single, divorced, widowed and refuse to have a man in the house. Dont know of any of my male less friends that would even consider getting back into that routine again.....as some of them say....not enough money!!!! For me? several million and separate houses.


----------



## Urith

So where did yover8 go? is she taking any of this advice?


----------



## kneonknitter

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude, but, I want to know what he will complain about after you give up your knitting. He sounds like a control freak who eventually will spin totally out of control & you will be his puppet. Since you are giving in to his demands so easily now, you are letting him know that you are both setting a pattern (a very bad one at that) for the rest of your lives. I know what I am talking about because I had a sister who lived it.


----------



## terrica37

Once you give up this, he will find other things to complain about. I think you should go to marriage counseling to discuss what his real issues are.


----------



## seamus

To the lady who doesn't believe in berating the woman. If the woman is timid, she is being helped, not berated. No one has to put up with an arrogant man. The worst thing she can do is give up her hobby. Then he will realise that his nagging has worked, and he will keep on and on with other things. There will be no peace for that lady, because he was not raised to be a considerate man. He only sees success when he can bully and win. This lady has to stand up to him NOW before he gets to be a nasty bully. Do not give up your knitting.


----------



## damemary

mmMardi said:


> Jalsh said:
> 
> 
> 
> You're all missing the point here, she's telling us conflicting stories here:
> 
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 
> and
> 
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 
> a new project bought maybe twice a month??
> 
> This is a HOARDER!!!
> 
> 
> 
> A hoarder is when it is impossible to get across the room due to what's being hoarded!
Click to expand...

And yarn doesn't count because it's so soft and squishy.

:roll:


----------



## yover8

Dear Friends;

After working a 13 hour day, I checked KP, and tears filled my eyes at the overwhelming support from all the lovely people who share this forum! It has taken several hours, but I have read, and reread all of your thoughtful comments and advice.

Several wrote that what I was seeking was validation - that my knitting really isn't as evil as it is made out to be, and that my modest stash and time spent is not excessive, and the loudest message was to be true to myself above all. You all have given me positive feedback in abundance! Your kind words have offered encouragement, and perhaps courage too. Opinions from the outside observer offer insight, sometimes one's own is clouded when buried deep in the problem. 

So, with a smile and deep resolve, the knitting stays. I will compromise and NOT take it on the long flight tomorrow, but keep something luscious in my suitcase for when I have time alone. (sorry to those who wanted the yarn and needles) Slowly the knitting will remake its "public" appearance - but there are lots of nights when he is out of town and the knitting reigns! You are right - he should be happy that I knit when he is away, and not go out for company.

Thank you is not enough for what this wonderful group has done for me today. I am empowered to be me again! I would like to offer each and every one of you a big hug and a grateful smile ... and soon, I will post a finished project.

XOX Christina XOX


----------



## knitgalin nc

he is not worth your time, If you support yourself and cook and clean for him what does he have to complain about. Your knitting is for your relaxing time and noone should resent that. My advice would be to tell him to go find himself a hobby and get out of your face. You do not need him in your life if he wants to control you. I lived with a control freak for ten years, and the day I got away from him was the best day of my life and i did not make enough money to live on, but I was much happier eventhough I had to work two jobs. do not give up your knitting it will not make him happy but it will make you unhappy.


----------



## damemary

A big hug right back at cha! We're here for you whenever you want to talk to a friend.


----------



## Jeanie L

Grandma Annette said:


> Tell him to grow up or shut up......... but do not give up your knitting


I agree...


----------



## yover8

Jalsh said:


> You're all missing the point here, she's telling us conflicting stories here:
> 
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 
> and
> 
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 
> a new project bought maybe twice a month??
> 
> This is a HOARDER!!!


This equals 7 Christmas gifts for 7 children. Is that excessive? $25-30 per gift.


----------



## BobnDejasMom

Glad you took the advise aren't giving up your knitting. (There are so many bad things you could do with your time and money.)Can't wait to see your finished projectS.


----------



## -knitter

yover8 said:


> Jalsh said:
> 
> 
> 
> You're all missing the point here, she's telling us conflicting stories here:
> 
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 
> and
> 
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 
> a new project bought maybe twice a month??
> 
> This is a HOARDER!!!
> 
> 
> 
> This equals 7 Christmas gifts for 7 children. Is that excessive? $25-30 per gift.
Click to expand...

NO!!! :wink:


----------



## Grammy Toni

He must have known you knitted before he married you - you did say this was a fairly new marriage. Why do you have to stop something that gives you pleasure. Hey! You could take up reading. That's what drives my DH nuts.


----------



## LunaDragon

A different language, I was thinking when did other countries stop knitting? Every where knits. I once had a friend from Arabia, many years ago. She was lovely and knitted for her son and daughters. My grandmother is French. She knitted and crochet. As I was looking at many different things from all over the world I think, knitting is not just for our sanity it is a part of our culture and history. We need to keep in touch with our past. I bet his family has knitters. 

I was in a bad marriage. I became unhappy by the day. He was very controlling and became mental and physically abusive. 

I remember not wanting to have a failed marriage and worked hard to please him. Truly he was never happy. When the time comes you will have to choose if you are worth it. I say yes you are! Set your grounds now or you will never be happy.


----------



## christine4321

damemary said:


> mmMardi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Jalsh said:
> 
> 
> 
> You're all missing the point here, she's telling us conflicting stories here:
> 
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 
> and
> 
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 
> a new project bought maybe twice a month??
> 
> This is a HOARDER!!!
> 
> 
> 
> A hoarder is when it is impossible to get across the room due to what's being hoarded!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> And yarn doesn't count because it's so soft and squishy.
> 
> :roll:
Click to expand...

"This is a hoarder" What a ridiculous statement. One should not make such a definitive comment without knowing what they are speaking about.

There is no contradicting information here. I have 2 project bags on the go and if you see my stash on Ravelry it too is 100 skeins. I currently have it all in extra large space saver bag. The bag isn't even deflated and it is sitting in the corner of my room taking up no more space than a bag of clothes would take up.


----------



## LunaDragon

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/seven-signs-they-may-be-a-control-freak/

I pray it never gets to this!

http://www.livestrong.com/article/100480-four-stages-abusive-relationship/


----------



## juliacraftylady666

Sorry Elaine that you did all that,i no you meant well but please dont take this one on,this is a bigger issue!


----------



## juliacraftylady666

Wow what an amzing bunch of women,i wish
the net was around years ago.
I got married young and by the time my husband had picked me apart and i had nothing left,he left me,i didnt even know i was being controlled and loosing myself,my mum tried to tell me but i didnt get it.The only decent thing he ever did was leave me,and i fell to bits.
I built myself back up,have been with partner 24 years and now known as "no shit julia"! I have a whole craft room,5 miniature houses in the lounge room,bins of yarn,a table covered in beads,and my guy thinks i am as clever as and loves my stuff.

Some of the advice is scary"youre a hoarder" but most it comes from the heart and more impotantly and sadly from experience





I wish i could have got this much help advice support and laughs in those days would have made my life easier,go strong women,we dont need to obey we know our minds,thanks for all of you speaking up!!!!!


----------



## Clarmar

Run girl run. This is not a life. I have been there. It does not get better.It started out with just little things .Then it was everything I did.Please tell this jerk were to go. And help him pack.Before he also tells you how much toilet paper to use.


----------



## sandyP

yover8 said:


> Dear Friends;
> 
> After working a 13 hour day, I checked KP, and tears filled my eyes at the overwhelming support from all the lovely people who share this forum! It has taken several hours, but I have read, and reread all of your thoughtful comments and advice.
> 
> Several wrote that what I was seeking was validation - that my knitting really isn't as evil as it is made out to be, and that my modest stash and time spent is not excessive, and the loudest message was to be true to myself above all. You all have given me positive feedback in abundance! Your kind words have offered encouragement, and perhaps courage too. Opinions from the outside observer offer insight, sometimes one's own is clouded when buried deep in the problem.
> 
> So, with a smile and deep resolve, the knitting stays. I will compromise and NOT take it on the long flight tomorrow, but keep something luscious in my suitcase for when I have time alone. (sorry to those who wanted the yarn and needles) Slowly the knitting will remake its "public" appearance - but there are lots of nights when he is out of town and the knitting reigns! You are right - he should be happy that I knit when he is away, and not go out for company.
> 
> Thank you is not enough for what this wonderful group has done for me today. I am empowered to be me again! I would like to offer each and every one of you a big hug and a grateful smile ... and soon, I will post a finished project.
> 
> XOX Christina XOX


A big big hug back at you. I'm so glad you will not give up your hobby. Enjoy your knitting. I am looking forward to seeing that picture of your finished project. Take care and I hope things work out for you. XXX


----------



## christine4321

A book I have read and will continue to recommend is titled,
"Controlling People" by Patricia Evans.

A friend recommended this book to me after hearing about complaints regarding my husbands' Uncle.

I had no idea why he kept doing the things he was doing even after being asked repeatedly not to.

He is extremely rich but spends nothing and so relies on other people to entertain him. He hasn't even cable so he kept coming to our place unannounced and staying up to 8 hours in a day.

We kept suggesting that he call first to see if we were up for company but he never did. Then we began insisting that he call first and he just disregarded it. Finally after taking his crap for more than 20 years I firmly stated " you were asked repeatedly to call and keep disrespecting our requests, we need you to call first! I raised my voice and the first thing that came out of his mouth was "you don't like me". The book says that they will often come out with a statement such as this.

He didn't come over unannounced for about 6 months and then it all began again. After a month I got angry again repeated the same words. Again he didn't come unannounced for about 6 months and it would all start again.

The book explains that he perceived that I was just " in a mood" and was back to "normal" after a period of time passed. This sequence has been going on now for 4 years!!

He showed up again unannounced after a period of time and this time I remained indifferent and was not welcoming because if I was my cheerful self, he would have thought that I was "back to normal" and would have continued just as before.

I can't even be the person to invite him over because it starts all over again. My husband has to make the invite.

Please read this book. It sheds light on the behavior of those with a personality disorder which apparently 1 in 20 of us have.

This type of person can only see his or her own needs and wants. 

The entire family and extended family have complained about this man yet he stills thinks all centers around him.

Relatives scheduled a 50th birthday party for a nephew (my husbands' cousin), who lived in Europe. The actual birthday was on a Wednesday but because the party was held on the immediate Saturday he said " they must have waited for me to get there", even though no one said that to him at all.

His old girlfriend had been with him but living separately for about 25 years before she finally called it quits. Our niece invited her to her wedding and he believes that the parents did this only to "piss him off". He could not see that to our niece, this woman was her aunt and everyone loved her. He only saw this as an attack against him.

He believes he has a "connection" with everyone unless someone is firm with him.


----------



## Damama

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


Perhaps he would be happier if you took up shooting. Buy a nice hand gun and take up target practice. Much more expensive, lessons and practice much more time consuming and a lot noisier than bamboo knitting needles. By no means suggesting violence, but might give him something to think about. You said you make $80 k a year plus cook, keep a house and homework. Holy cow, he should be treating you like the amazing lady you sound like.  
Of course he could become an ex husband. He really sounds like an insecure twit. I was married to one like that, wasn't happy that I would make over half of the kiddos school clothes, it was much more important that I sit next to him on the couch watching really dumb, mind numbing tv shows. So glad to be single and answering to nobody but me. Lots of hugs and hope you keep enjoying your relaxing hobby.


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## 3mom

He is a perfect example of why some people are afraid to get married--he is certainly is one-sided and selfish!! Sounds to me, too, like he's jealous and insecure. That's his problem, isn't it? What would happen if you got some earplugs to put in while you're knitting? BTW, what if you copied some of these replies and "accidentally" left it sitting out? (No doubt he's nosy, too) Please don't give up and let him bully you into quitting!!!!!


----------



## 3mom

Clarmar said:


> Run girl run. This is not a life. I have been there. It does not get better.It started out with just little things .Then it was everything I did.Please tell this jerk were to go. And help him pack.Before he also tells you how much toilet paper to use.


A*G*R*E*E!!!!!!!!!! :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## Cyndyn

Christina, glad your staying with your knitting! Life is all about give and take, just be sure in your life you do both. Always be the person you can be happy being. Look forward to seeing your finished projects!! Hugs and warm smiles, be strong.

On a side note, thanks to all who took time to be so supportive! What a great group of people!!! We all have made some wonderful friends here.

Cyndy



yover8 said:


> Dear Friends;
> 
> After working a 13 hour day, I checked KP, and tears filled my eyes at the overwhelming support from all the lovely people who share this forum! It has taken several hours, but I have read, and reread all of your thoughtful comments and advice.
> 
> Several wrote that what I was seeking was validation - that my knitting really isn't as evil as it is made out to be, and that my modest stash and time spent is not excessive, and the loudest message was to be true to myself above all. You all have given me positive feedback in abundance! Your kind words have offered encouragement, and perhaps courage too. Opinions from the outside observer offer insight, sometimes one's own is clouded when buried deep in the problem.
> 
> So, with a smile and deep resolve, the knitting stays. I will compromise and NOT take it on the long flight tomorrow, but keep something luscious in my suitcase for when I have time alone. (sorry to those who wanted the yarn and needles) Slowly the knitting will remake its "public" appearance - but there are lots of nights when he is out of town and the knitting reigns! You are right - he should be happy that I knit when he is away, and not go out for company.
> 
> Thank you is not enough for what this wonderful group has done for me today. I am empowered to be me again! I would like to offer each and every one of you a big hug and a grateful smile ... and soon, I will post a finished project.
> 
> XOX Christina XOX


----------



## Xiang

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


I wouldn't give up my knitting or sewing ..... I think I might even give him the option of leaving, it sounds like you we're knitting before you met him, anyway. My raised eyebrows when I bought myself a quilting machine, for my retirement present - I pointed out that he had just traded in a perfectly good bike for a Harley - he withdrew his complaint gracefully :lol: :lol:


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## michelleinkona

I am really sorry for a man getting in the way of what you love to do. But as far as selling your items, I would be very interested for the whole thing. I dont know how it works but I guess that is something you and I could deal with if interested. I am quite new to knitting and find it very expensive especially being here on the Big Island and everyonnes excuse is because of the shipping. So if you get a chance let me know what you have in mind and what kind of pricing. Mahalo
Michelle Anderson


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## mumofkate

So pleased that you will be keeping your knitting. I hope that things get easier for you and look forward to seeing your completed "knitts". God Bless, stay strong and you will overcome.


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## avalonpam

Cyndyn said:


> Christina, glad your staying with your knitting! Life is all about give and take, just be sure in your life you do both. Always be the person you can be happy being. Look forward to seeing your finished projects!! Hugs and warm smiles, be strong.
> 
> On a side note, thanks to all who took time to be so supportive! What a great group of people!!! We all have made some wonderful friends here.
> 
> Cyndy
> 
> 
> 
> yover8 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Friends;
> 
> After working a 13 hour day, I checked KP, and tears filled my eyes at the overwhelming support from all the lovely people who share this forum! It has taken several hours, but I have read, and reread all of your thoughtful comments and advice.
> 
> Several wrote that what I was seeking was validation - that my knitting really isn't as evil as it is made out to be, and that my modest stash and time spent is not excessive, and the loudest message was to be true to myself above all. You all have given me positive feedback in abundance! Your kind words have offered encouragement, and perhaps courage too. Opinions from the outside observer offer insight, sometimes one's own is clouded when buried deep in the problem.
> 
> So, with a smile and deep resolve, the knitting stays. I will compromise and NOT take it on the long flight tomorrow, but keep something luscious in my suitcase for when I have time alone. (sorry to those who wanted the yarn and needles) Slowly the knitting will remake its "public" appearance - but there are lots of nights when he is out of town and the knitting reigns! You are right - he should be happy that I knit when he is away, and not go out for company.
> 
> Thank you is not enough for what this wonderful group has done for me today. I am empowered to be me again! I would like to offer each and every one of you a big hug and a grateful smile ... and soon, I will post a finished project.
> 
> XOX Christina XOX
Click to expand...

So glad you decided..I am going away for a month and was afraid I wouldn't find out what you weregoing to do.!!!!
My very best wishes and big hugs to you from the U.K. xxx


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## In Memory of Scottybear

I do hope all goes well with you and am sending a big hug from 'down under.


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## redwing28

YOVER8. DO NOT GIVE OR SEEL YOUR STUFF TO ANYONE. YOU CARRY ON WITH YOUR KNITTING, AND ENJOY, LOVE TRICIA, A WELL WISHER. GOD BLESS YOU.


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## kathleen40

You go Girl. Your life is your own even though it is shared with another. To have a happy marriage YOU must be happy. Good luck and God bless you.


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## BobnDejasMom

Your first word was "death." That alone should be telling you what to do. No one should need to kill a part of what they are to make someone else happy.


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## Hannelore

Don't give up on what you like to do. If you do then you will end up resenting your husband even more. Ask him what kind of a hobby he would like to do if he had time to do one and then encourage him to find some time to pursue this hobby. Take an interest in it (even if you have to fake it).


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## MummaMia

i'll bet you were crying when you posted this. My husband was similar - now I'm a widow I can do what I like - having sid that, I left him 6 months before he died.... be strong and love yourself.


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## njbk55

was talking with my hubby last night told him some of what you wrote. His comment what is the guys problem? There is nothing wrong with what she is doing.
Just so you know I am a 3rd shiter so on the weekends I am up most of the night. I knit all the time when the hubby sleeping on the sofa sometimes his head right next to my chair. When he does wake up and finally go to bed, I is because I have quit knighting. I use metal needles.


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## STITCH124

So I mentioned to my husband last night the post you made about what you were going to do and the things your husband said about your knitting hobby. 

My husband's exact words were, "He's a jerk. If he doesn't appreciate her talent then it's his loss." He also said that he's probably jealous because he isn't talented enough to do anything as nice as your knitting. 

There you go....thoughts from another guy. Just sayin......


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## hazelbut

Not quite sure what you are - a 3rd what???


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## STITCH124

I have a great idea----pretend to sell all your stuff...pack it up....then tell him how much you miss it and you're going to buy more to replace it. Go on a huge shopping spree and tell him if he'd kept his mouth shut and appreciated your talent, then it wouldn't have cost 'him' so much pain and agony. In the meantime, you can get away from him, shop till you drop and piss him off even more! 


Of course, this is my alter-ego coming out......

He's got the problem, not you....KEEP CALM AND KNIT ON!!!!


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## dolores angleton

Trade him in for a new model


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## ssk1953

PLEASE don't give up your knitting. Sometimes men act like spoiled little boys, so immature. He needs to grow up and quit acting like a little child. Whatever you do, don't give in to his wishes because he will have won the battle. Don't let him dictate what you can and can't do. You are your own person. Please keep those needles clicking!!


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## Inspired

Just out of curiosity what is DH doing when he's trying to concentrate


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## BarbaraSD

Once you give up knitting your husband will find something else you do (or don't do) to complain about.


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## StephL

I must agree with all tho other posters here...do not give in
What a sad little man he is....


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## Carol (UK)

yover8 said:


> Dear Friends;
> 
> After working a 13 hour day, I checked KP, and tears filled my eyes at the overwhelming support from all the lovely people who share this forum! It has taken several hours, but I have read, and reread all of your thoughtful comments and advice.
> 
> Several wrote that what I was seeking was validation - that my knitting really isn't as evil as it is made out to be, and that my modest stash and time spent is not excessive, and the loudest message was to be true to myself above all. You all have given me positive feedback in abundance! Your kind words have offered encouragement, and perhaps courage too. Opinions from the outside observer offer insight, sometimes one's own is clouded when buried deep in the problem.
> 
> So, with a smile and deep resolve, the knitting stays. I will compromise and NOT take it on the long flight tomorrow, but keep something luscious in my suitcase for when I have time alone. (sorry to those who wanted the yarn and needles) Slowly the knitting will remake its "public" appearance - but there are lots of nights when he is out of town and the knitting reigns! You are right - he should be happy that I knit when he is away, and not go out for company.
> 
> Thank you is not enough for what this wonderful group has done for me today. I am empowered to be me again! I would like to offer each and every one of you a big hug and a grateful smile ... and soon, I will post a finished project.
> 
> XOX Christina XOX


God Bless you Dear Christina and to everyone on this wonderful forum. There is a lot of love here and the response to your story Christina has proved it. I believe also that it will have helped lots of women in similar difficult situations. Thank you and Three cheers for the KP knitters. Love to you all x


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## StellasKnits

yover8 said:


> Dear Friends;
> 
> After working a 13 hour day, I checked KP, and tears filled my eyes at the overwhelming support from all the lovely people who share this forum! It has taken several hours, but I have read, and reread all of your thoughtful comments and advice.
> 
> Several wrote that what I was seeking was validation - that my knitting really isn't as evil as it is made out to be, and that my modest stash and time spent is not excessive, and the loudest message was to be true to myself above all. You all have given me positive feedback in abundance! Your kind words have offered encouragement, and perhaps courage too. Opinions from the outside observer offer insight, sometimes one's own is clouded when buried deep in the problem.
> 
> So, with a smile and deep resolve, the knitting stays. I will compromise and NOT take it on the long flight tomorrow, but keep something luscious in my suitcase for when I have time alone. (sorry to those who wanted the yarn and needles) Slowly the knitting will remake its "public" appearance - but there are lots of nights when he is out of town and the knitting reigns! You are right - he should be happy that I knit when he is away, and not go out for company.
> 
> Thank you is not enough for what this wonderful group has done for me today. I am empowered to be me again! I would like to offer each and every one of you a big hug and a grateful smile ... and soon, I will post a finished project.
> 
> XOX Christina XOX


Many hugs to you Christina. We're here for you when you decide you've had enough of his bullying ways. If he continues to be embarrassed by your knitting tell him to get over it. He's not the one knitting.


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## elmobird2

Oh my gosh...That could be my story. BUT, I will not let my hubby control what I want to do. He is retired...UGH! So his "busy" day, which mainly consists of sitting in his recliner, tires him out. I watch a few of my(I have 9) grandkids during the day so when I get home I like to relax. After I get dinner,clean up,check my Ebay business,pay bills,it's sometimes around 9-10 in the evening. At that point I like to sit & relax & knit. Sometimes I get the feeling that someone does not approve! Well if he would plan dinner,clean up(I think I have to show him how to plug in the sweeper..lol)& all those other little things during his busy day, then maybe I'd find time to pay "attention" to him...which is his big complaint! Sorry but I will not give up something I love to do just to make him happy and neither should you! I have many hobbies & I told him he needs to find something to do!!!! I think because he doesn't have a hobby that he thinks I should entertain him....NOT! Boy...that was a great vent!!! Thanks for listening...sorry yover8 DON'T give up what you love to do...if he doesn't like the sound of your needles...knit somewhere peaceful..or send him somewhere :},if he doesn't like what you knit for him give them to someone who does...yes he does sound very controlling & don't let him win!!!!


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## Meg-a-roo

Knit on Sister!!,evil:


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## Inspired

AMEN :thumbup:


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## mirl56

hazelbut said:


> Not quite sure what you are - a 3rd what???


Her comment was that she is a 3rd shifter - a person who works the 3rd shift, which is usually something like mid-night to 8am. so she is used to being awake while her DH sleeps.

To the original poster - I sadly read your post and then lots of the comments since (too many to read them all!). I just don't know what to say. I can't imagine my DH telling me to stop doing something unless it was illegal.


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## m_azingrace

christine4321 said:


> A book I have read and will continue to recommend is titled,
> "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans.


The same woman wrote "The Abusive Relationship" that I mentioned in an earlier post. Both are excellent books. Evans makes it clear that controlling people and abusive people (often both in one) do not operate in the same reality as the rest of us. Their receptors process what we say and do in entirely different ways from how we intend them. I say "I don't like what you just did" He and he believes he just heard "I don't love you". I say "My car got mud splashed on it today", he hears "I wish you would wash my dirty car instead of just sitting there doing nothing". These things can make us crazy; make us wonder what just happened here? I thought I was being so careful, and he's still mad now. The biggest mystery for me was always "If I can make him angry so easily, why is it so hard to make him happy?" Once I read the book, the answer was simple. We are not responsible for how other people think, behave or react --- THEY ARE.

All you dear ladies who have shared similar experiences, get one of Evans' books. I bought the digital version for my NOOK. (The controlling and/or abusive partner will not want to see those titles on the coffee table.)


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## nab

Christina, I am so glad you did not give up your knitting. It sounds like it is part of who you are. Be careful and pay attention to how he reacts and do not let him start picking on you about something else. It is sad that you have to limit your knitting to please him, but I guess it is something you need to try. I have a wonderful husband, so I cannot give you any personal information on your troubles, but you need to be careful and aware of what he is doing to you. Please watch for signs, be true to yourself. As hard as it is some people are not meant to be together. May God bless you and keep you safe.
Love & hugs
Nickie

Please let us know how your trip goes.


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## Raybo

If you MUST give up something, let it be him!


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## Hudson

YEAH, Christina! YEAH! YEAH! 

It is Friday morning and I have come back to this huge thread and saw that you responded to the book we have all written.


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## MarilynKnits

Question - we have either overlooked or skirted around one issue. You mention that his family is so rude as to speak in front of you in a language you do not understand. This indicates a non Anglo culture. Is his cultural, religious, or national background one in which women are expected to be subservient and compliant? One in which a woman is treated as a lesser being or a chattel?

You also mention children and grandchildren. Yours or his? Do not let him alienate you from your children and grandchildren. This also indicates at least a second marriage for you. Were you accustomed to being treated poorly by a husband? 

Was your marriage home yours before marriage, his, or something new for you both. If yours, protect your ownership and if you have not put his name on the deed do not do so and make sure it is willed to your offspring.

Does he have a job as demanding and remunerative as yours? Could he have married you for your income and comfortable home? Is he a gold digger? It is not just our Lorelei Lees who are gold diggers.

What was it about him that attracted you to the point of marriage? His charm? His looks? Looks leave and it seems his charm was fleeting.

You have to be the most important and beloved person in your life. This is not selfishness or self-centeredness. If you cannot love and value yourself, you do not have a basis to love and value anyone else. This is not narcissism, it is a comfort zone within yourself that brings contentment and meaning to life.

You indicate your mother-in-law likes what you knit. Does she have any influence on him, or is she a chattel woman in his eyes?

Just be wary and take care of yourself. Some of us, including myself, have presented worst case scenarios. Being marginalized and losing self confidence is not life threatening in a physical danger way, but it is a death of your inner being. 

You have my best wishes. I hope if you are really in love with him he can be brought around to be a nice person. If he is older and set in his ways, he may be a huge mistake you have to erase from your life.


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## DebraSundhausen

I'm a little late on this topic. My husband did the same thing quite a few years ago. I gave him one option, he drank beer every day and bought a case every week. All I told him was that I would quit buying yarn if he quit buying beer. The next week he wanted to know how much yarn I needed and has even stopped to buy what I need when he was on the way home.
Debbie


----------



## glnwhi

loisdenise said:


> yover8 said:
> 
> 
> 
> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> I suggest you take uo the tuba or drums
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.
> 
> 
> 
> Hey, If I were making that much money I would have a whole room full of yarn. I don't work (for pay that is) and I still have shelves of crafts supplies.
> 
> Seriously, try saying simply "Knitting is really important to me." State why it is, and ask him to quit criticizing and leave him to deal with his own feelings about it. If you give up knitting, what will you do instead. (I recommend opera, electric guitar, or blacksmithing). When I read your post The first thing I thought of is what would he have you give up next. Then after reading responses I see that he might not be irredeemable. One small part of my brain was thinking "Addi circulars could be cherished in my home", but I think you already cherish them and you should keep a hold on them
Click to expand...


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## Mum4tier

I have to confess that I've only read the first 14 pages of replies, and I agree with most of them.

Has anyone suggested that since he seems to be from a foreign country, that she knit charity items for his country? Every country in the world has needy and homeless people. Maybe if she contacted a charity, she could find what they need. How can he complain if she is knitting to help the needy in his homeland? Just a thought.


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## Babsmim

And a nice, kind, thought!!


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## joannav

DebraSundhausen said:


> I'm a little late on this topic. My husband did the same thing quite a few years ago. I gave him one option, he drank beer every day and bought a case every week. All I told him was that I would quit buying yarn if he quit buying beer. The next week he wanted to know how much yarn I needed and has even stopped to buy what I need when he was on the way home.
> Debbie


Precious !!--thanks very much for sharing \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
are we knitters fighting fire with fire ?
if so--God (or whomever or whatever) bless us all


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## quiltedbirds

Sounds like my control freak of a son in law!
Take no notice, and just sit him on the naughty step, like the baby he is!LOL


----------



## kestrelz

Well I guess it's a trade-off. If you love him and this is the biggest issue the two of you have giving up knitting is a small sacrifice. However, I doubt that that is the case. Good luck


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## rkr

Urith said:


> So where did yover8 go? is she taking any of this advice?


I'm with you - and I'm still wondering if this treatise was a hypothetical question, a '6-month difference in the calendar year like' Autumnal April Fool's, Halloween Fun, her H-not-DH found her reading and pulled the computer plug, she really has decided to stop knitting ...or what?

I pulled up her ID here, she's only been a member since June but a very active one, posting in many threads, and very kindly encouragingly to others. Also knowledgeable about knitting and speaking about adult children and knitting for grandchildren. So up to this point she sounds like a very strong person!

For some reason, she has aligned herself with a spouse who doesn't share her interests, to put it most mildly. We can only wait ... and hope for the best!


----------



## 3mom

He sounds like my 2 and 3-year old grandsons, having temper tantrums. Do we give in to them? No, of course not. And they keep whining to wear us down too. Too bad he's never grown up, Christina. Sounds like you've got enough smarts for both of you, not that he'd recognize it. We all here at KP care for you and we're all here for you. Thank God you decided to stay the course. Please let us hear how things are going. Prayers for your strength and --dare I say it?--patience!!


----------



## Carol (UK)

rkr said:


> Urith said:
> 
> 
> 
> So where did yover8 go? is she taking any of this advice?
> 
> 
> 
> I'm with you - and I'm still wondering if this treatise was a hypothetical question, a '6-month difference in the calendar year like' Autumnal April Fool's, Halloween Fun, her H-not-DH found her reading and pulled the computer plug, she really has decided to stop knitting ...or what?
> 
> I pulled up her ID here, she's only been a member since June but a very active one, posting in many threads, and very kindly encouragingly to others. Also knowledgeable about knitting and speaking about adult children and knitting for grandchildren. So up to this point she sounds like a very strong person!
> 
> For some reason, she has aligned herself with a spouse who doesn't share her interests, to put it most mildly. We can only wait ... and hope for the best!
Click to expand...

yover8 (Christina) replied on page 50


----------



## brain56

yover8 said:


> Dear Friends;
> 
> After working a 13 hour day, I checked KP, and tears filled my eyes at the overwhelming support from all the lovely people who share this forum! It has taken several hours, but I have read, and reread all of your thoughtful comments and advice.
> 
> Several wrote that what I was seeking was validation - that my knitting really isn't as evil as it is made out to be, and that my modest stash and time spent is not excessive, and the loudest message was to be true to myself above all. You all have given me positive feedback in abundance! Your kind words have offered encouragement, and perhaps courage too. Opinions from the outside observer offer insight, sometimes one's own is clouded when buried deep in the problem.
> 
> So, with a smile and deep resolve, the knitting stays. I will compromise and NOT take it on the long flight tomorrow, but keep something luscious in my suitcase for when I have time alone. (sorry to those who wanted the yarn and needles) Slowly the knitting will remake its "public" appearance - but there are lots of nights when he is out of town and the knitting reigns! You are right - he should be happy that I knit when he is away, and not go out for company.
> 
> Thank you is not enough for what this wonderful group has done for me today. I am empowered to be me again! I would like to offer each and every one of you a big hug and a grateful smile ... and soon, I will post a finished project.
> 
> XOX Christina XOX


Christina,

I'm so glad that you replied. Hundreds of us have been genuinely concerned about you.
I sincerely hope that your plan brings you the fulfillment and happiness you wish.

If your husband should exhibit begin to exhibit other controlling/abusive behavior - much detailed in this thread - please, do not hesitate to get whatever assistance you need to protect/remove yourself from the situation immediately.

We care.


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## nit witty

Seems to me you are giving up the wrong thing!! I would say "see you" to the husband.

Mine couldn't stand while I knit, read, talked to friends, etc., etc. I now no longer have the husband, and I am so much happier!


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## Evie1042

I am one of the lucky ones because my husband looks forward to my increasing my stash and admires the finished products. He will even hold the skeins for me as I make them into a ball. My stash has taken over a 10 x 10 room, huge bins in a little area off out downstairs bathroom, and a box of yarn on my couch (which serves to keep the dog off). Wherever you turn you will find my hobbies. (I also read a lot so there are many, many books.) I work full time and my relaxation is my hobbies. His alternative is that I will be grouchy, moody and give him chores that I will nag him to do. So, I would NEVER give up my hobbies. Hubby goes first!!! Good luck and stand your ground.


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## ayjay

There is a solution to every problem. Tread lightly and do what is best for the situation and most of all what is best for YOU.


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## Friedrich

Dear yover8: you hit the nail on the head for your own argument. THE SERENITY you get from knitting. It is worth it and once you give it up, you will regret it for years to come. Realizing that marriage demands constant WORK and COMPROMISE and that is big, on the other hand having something that interest you and only you, is just as important for the SANITY of the marriage. Think about it.
You will make the right decision.


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## Lynda M Otvos

This behavior is exactly what my second husband did. And as was noted above-hid it well until after we married. My book pages turning were too loud in bed. He progressed to physical violence while I was pregnant and I left him. His pattern continued and he eventually went to prison for battery on a woman he picked up downtown one night. 

Don't let your husband do that to you. Get free while you can, If counseling doesn't create change then you must. Good luck.


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## fisherwoman

TO: Bettye:

If you think this woman's (Topic) is NOT appropriate for this site,

then stick your head in the sand and don't read the pages.

NO ONE is berating her, all the KP'ers are trying to help and give her support and guidance.

She knows and we know that the main focus is "KNITTING", how much or how little.

She has the brains and intelligence to make the call!

Nothing wrong with reaching out on this forum for anything and everything. In this case it is certainly appropriate and cheaper then paying a shrink!

Fisherwoman


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## Evie1042

AMEN FISHERWOMAN. We all need our way to relief stress. Knitting/crocheting/reading are the cheapest and best way and you don't have to leave the house in bad weather.


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## sczyx

In reply to rkr, she posted a few pages back and has decided to continue knitting. She was very grateful for everyone's support,

Jenny


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## Blueathlone

Amen Fisherwoman. This forum is very helpful with knitting AND personal issues. If we can't listen to one another and support each other...well, isn't that what life is about?


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## hersh

Fisherwoman, I agree. I only caution......that one doesn't vent.......then ignor all the tried and true suggestions that many have made. So many red flags have appeared in this womans daily living that I sincerely hope that she take very positive steps to make her life healthy.


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## momskii

Yarnie.One said:


> You canNOT give in or give up!
> 
> Your occupation says that youre an intelligent, educated person. Surely you realize just how ridiculous his complaints are.
> 
> I do have two questions. First: Is this a new behavior? Maybe he should see a doctor for an evaluation. Maybe he has some kind of hormone imbalance or other health problem. Secondly: If your knitting is bothering him while hes at home watching TV or reading or whatever, then why doesnt he have time for a hobby? Maybe those things hes doing are his hobby!! So, if your noise bothers him, go do it in another room while hes doing his hobby. Find a quiet corner in some other room where you can put a comfortable chair to retreat to.
> 
> Realize that YOU hold the key to this situation and your reaction to his demands is in your control. He cannot get under your skin unless you let him. When hes complaining, start humming in your head -- la la la la la la la la. Do not respond to his negativity -- thats rewarding him for it. Do not discuss your purchases with him. Do not bring up the topic at all. If he ever doesnt complain, thank him and let him know how you appreciate him being kind and tolerant of something thats so important to you.
> 
> Lots of people have given you good suggestions, so I'm going to try not to repeat any. And I'm not going to address every item on your list, because for many of them, you've already received great suggestions.
> 
> These are some things Id try.
> 
> -- Read about Eleanor Roosevelt and her knitting habits -- and share it with him. Print up a nice page-sized sheet about it and frame it. Put it over your knitting chair. Hand out copies to those in his family who will be able to read and share the information with other family members.
> 
> -- Encourage him to do some sort of charity work. Its very helpful for depressed people -- and that could be the at the root of his problem -- to extend themselves, to feel useful.
> 
> -- Start doing some projects for charity. That will help you feel better, but also might make him back off -- who can criticize a person whos doing charitable work?
> 
> -- If you do discuss knitting with him, point out that men invented it. That it was used as physical therapy for wounded soldiers during WWl and WWll. Share this site with him: www.menwhoknit.com/ . Northern fishermen used to spend the long , boring parts of the journey knitting their own sweaters. Maybe hed like to learn so that you two could have a hobby together. Remind him that Rosie Greer did needlepoint and that Jim Brown (football player) is a knitter. David Arquette. The Prince of Wales knits, Edgar Allen Poe did it. Lots of celebrity women knit -- look it up and see if any who he admires are among them.
> 
> -- Point out that for hundreds of years, women did it in every spare minute -- like when they had company, even -- to make things to keep their families warm. Hardly mindless or a waste of time.
> 
> -- Get a few plastic tubs to put all of your supplies in and put them out of sight -- in the garage, the attic, the back of closets, etc. If you have wool, be sure that it's in something that moths can't get into.
> 
> -- Join a knitting group and just be gone once a week to be among other knitters, enjoying yourself and relaxing.
> 
> -- Encourage him to join Masons or some other lodge where he can go be with the guys -- and as he gets involved, it will take up more and more of his time, doing special projects, etc. with them.
> 
> -- Keep your current project in your car. Stop at a park or library on the way home from work and spend an hour knitting. Have little projects that you can take in to work with you -- maybe chemo caps or items for the Pink Slipper Project. These same projects can go with you on flights, dentist appointments, etc -- again, who can criticize someone whos knitting for charity? In fact, people may talk to you about your knitting, you can mention that what your doing is for charity, and he can hear them say how great that is of you.
> 
> -- Look up info on how knitting helps stave off dementia and share that with him.
> 
> Realize that if you do give up this, then he will just find something else to gripe at you about, because it isn't knitting that is the root of these complaints that he's making.
> 
> Whatever you do, do not give up knitting -- if for no other reason than that you absolutely need to have this joy in your life to survive living with such a person who behaves in such an unkind, thoughtless way toward you.


I do agree with the point that you make to join a knitting group and be gone only one night a week and knit only then. I have the feeling however, that if the hubby is so controlling, he won't like her going out even one night without him. so sad


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## julietremain

Look...I don't know what will work for you....you are being bullied...and there has been a lot of real concern for you and good help here already....what I do know is that life is short and you never know what is around the next corner.....so please get to a marriage councellor....alone if he won't go....and shorten the time it could take to sort this all out....if you don't connect with the first person you try..try another...if you both can talk thru this in a safe place it WILL get better....good luck dear...I'll be thinking about you....
julie


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## julietremain

Me again.....keep your yarn and Addis.....don't do anything in haste or in response to a bully......
julie


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## no1girl

my my you have started something...55 pages of irate knitters............ your man should by now understand that he is wrong.
I asked my OH his opinion and his reply was "what a selfish ba****d!"


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## BarbaraSD

MarilynKnits said:


> Question - we have either overlooked or skirted around one issue. You mention that his family is so rude as to speak in front of you in a language you do not understand. This indicates a non Anglo culture. Is his cultural, religious, or national background one in which women are expected to be subservient and compliant? One in which a woman is treated as a lesser being or a chattel?
> 
> You also mention children and grandchildren. Yours or his? Do not let him alienate you from your children and grandchildren. This also indicates at least a second marriage for you. Were you accustomed to being treated poorly by a husband?
> 
> Was your marriage home yours before marriage, his, or something new for you both. If yours, protect your ownership and if you have not put his name on the deed do not do so and make sure it is willed to your offspring.
> 
> Does he have a job as demanding and remunerative as yours? Could he have married you for your income and comfortable home? Is he a gold digger? It is not just our Lorelei Lees who are gold diggers.
> 
> What was it about him that attracted you to the point of marriage? His charm? His looks? Looks leave and it seems his charm was fleeting.
> 
> You have to be the most important and beloved person in your life. This is not selfishness or self-centeredness. If you cannot love and value yourself, you do not have a basis to love and value anyone else. This is not narcissism, it is a comfort zone within yourself that brings contentment and meaning to life.
> 
> You indicate your mother-in-law likes what you knit. Does she have any influence on him, or is she a chattel woman in his eyes?
> 
> Just be wary and take care of yourself. Some of us, including myself, have presented worst case scenarios. Being marginalized and losing self confidence is not life threatening in a physical danger way, but it is a death of your inner being.
> 
> You have my best wishes. I hope if you are really in love with him he can be brought around to be a nice person. If he is older and set in his ways, he may be a huge mistake you have to erase from your life.


Marilyn, excellent questions and observations.


----------



## DollieD

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


Sorry, but since he is relatively NEW, just get rid of him!


----------



## kneonknitter

yover8 said:


> Dear Friends;
> 
> After working a 13 hour day, I checked KP, and tears filled my eyes at the overwhelming support from all the lovely people who share this forum! It has taken several hours, but I have read, and reread all of your thoughtful comments and advice.
> 
> Several wrote that what I was seeking was validation - that my knitting really isn't as evil as it is made out to be, and that my modest stash and time spent is not excessive, and the loudest message was to be true to myself above all. You all have given me positive feedback in abundance! Your kind words have offered encouragement, and perhaps courage too. Opinions from the outside observer offer insight, sometimes one's own is clouded when buried deep in the problem.
> 
> So, with a smile and deep resolve, the knitting stays. I will compromise and NOT take it on the long flight tomorrow, but keep something luscious in my suitcase for when I have time alone. (sorry to those who wanted the yarn and needles) Slowly the knitting will remake its "public" appearance - but there are lots of nights when he is out of town and the knitting reigns! You are right - he should be happy that I knit when he is away, and not go out for company.
> 
> Thank you is not enough for what this wonderful group has done for me today. I am empowered to be me again! I would like to offer each and every one of you a big hug and a grateful smile ... and soon, I will post a finished project.
> 
> XOX Christina XOX


YAY for you Christina!! You are woman! Be strong! We are here for you anytime.


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## Tessa28

Chuffed to bits you are carrying on with your knitting Christina. Remember we are always here for you. Proud of you girl. Tessa28


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## taborhills

Following your initial letter and the responses to it has been quite an experience. I picture us as a huge circle of loving concern for you, Christina. You have been embraced and will still be in many hearts.


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## Mercury

I think that your hobby and stash are worth more than he is.I would not give up something that means so much to me for a nothing like him. Think twice.


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## Lo'L

What a sad commentary.

He is pretty darned selfish, not to mention rather ungrateful for your efforts in knitting for him.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but marriage is give and take and seems he wants all the "take" and no 'Give'.

I'm very sorry for your loss


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## stotter

Your post made me feel ill. Flashbacks of life with a loser.


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## knittables

This sounds like my ex boyfriend. I think your husband is jealous because we can do more than one thing at once. I have my own knitting business at home and I work as well.
So I dumped him and continued to love my knitting/crocheting all the more. Not saying you should do it, just saying I understand.


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## orcagrandma

yover8 - Tell him knitting is a lifesaver. It does not waste time since we can knit, talk, and watch tv or read at the same time, unlike men who can only watch tv and have no idea what multitasking is or how to do it. Getting back to knitting helps me keep my mind off my severe nausea from this disease I have. Knitting is so beneficial for all of mankind and what ails them. In fact there would probably be no need for shrinks if more people knitted. It is even beneficial for pets. In fact man would be naked if it were not for someone picking up two sticks and knitting something out of wool. Aww, he is just jealous. Hee hee. Sorry. Oh, tell him that you could always just sit and nag him. That should do it. Keep up the good work.


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## newtoknitting528

So happy to hear that you are going to continue kniting. I look forward to seeing your creations


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## knittables

I am so glad to hear you will still be knitting it up. Good for you.


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## rkr

Thank GOODNESS you wrote again, Christina! I can breathe again!
You're a very wise woman...


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## MindyT

Yover8 what an outpouring of support, love and genuine Feelings. So many good thoughts, ideas, information. Looks to me like when real emotion and a real life situation is presented, women (and men, I'm sure) come to the fore with true insight. In this day and age of devices held in ones hand, walking through life not hearing and seeing, real emotion touches us. 
Bravo for empathy!
MindyT


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## tryalot

rkr said:


> Thank GOODNESS you wrote again, Christina! I can breathe again!
> You're a very wise woman...


Absolutely. how often have there been threads about relationship problems that go on and on, people taking time to advise, yet the OP never posts a decision or an outcome,
so yes, good for you Christina, thanks for letting us know.
Lets hope your man will get over it and grow up


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## PauletteB.

There is all kind of advice here but in the end you know what you want and should make your decision based on that.


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## yona

Christina: When I read your original post, it brought back many sad memories of how my life was..... it started with the knitting, then progressed to more controlling behavior that was very abusive.

You need to stand your ground and not be a 'secret knitter' - His behavior comes from jealousy and control and the only one who can stop this is YOU!

I'm glad you are not giving up your knitting and please, stand your ground. Once you give in on one item, it doesn't stop there.... it becomes a tumbleweed of rules - His rules - and he'll get free reign.

Remember, G-D gave us this life as a gift and we must treat it as such. Pray hard to G-D and ask for HIS help... I did that and I got my help.


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## orcagrandma

Perhaps he was in a bad mood, I'm glad you gave him the benefit of the doubt. He may have just been jealous of the yarn taking his place when he is gone. You know him, only you know if he meant it or not. There is room for both loves.


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## LunaDragon

I was told to read this book and its counter parts.

Why men love bitches.

http://www.goodreads.com/ebooks/download/46191.Why_Men_Love_Bitches


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## Rachil

Please do not die! Take your knitting and work it at lunch time. We all need mindless busy work to relax! Knit on! Live! Give husband kiss on the head and smile but keep working those stitches!


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## christine4321

STITCH124 said:


> So I mentioned to my husband last night the post you made about what you were going to do and the things your husband said about your knitting hobby.
> 
> My husband's exact words were, "He's a jerk. If he doesn't appreciate her talent then it's his loss." He also said that he's probably jealous because he isn't talented enough to do anything as nice as your knitting.
> 
> There you go....thoughts from another guy. Just sayin......


My family feels proud that I have many different skills. My daughter said to my husband and me when she was little, " you guys can do everything"!


----------



## christine4321

m_azingrace said:


> christine4321 said:
> 
> 
> 
> A book I have read and will continue to recommend is titled,
> "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans.
> 
> 
> 
> The same woman wrote "The Abusive Relationship" that I mentioned in an earlier post. Both are excellent books. Evans makes it clear that controlling people and abusive people (often both in one) do not operate in the same reality as the rest of us. Their receptors process what we say and do in entirely different ways from how we intend them. I say "I don't like what you just did" He and he believes he just heard "I don't love you". I say "My car got mud splashed on it today", he hears "I wish you would wash my dirty car instead of just sitting there doing nothing". These things can make us crazy; make us wonder what just happened here? I thought I was being so careful, and he's still mad now. The biggest mystery for me was always "If I can make him angry so easily, why is it so hard to make him happy?" Once I read the book, the answer was simple. We are not responsible for how other people think, behave or react --- THEY ARE.
> 
> All you dear ladies who have shared similar experiences, get one of Evans' books. I bought the digital version for my NOOK. (The controlling and/or abusive partner will not want to see those titles on the coffee table.)
Click to expand...

You are definitely right! I still need to buy the books for my kids to read. The problem is that they feel sorry for their great uncle when I have been firm with him. They thought that I was the bad guy. I think it will take some time before they are willing to read the books. I finally wrote in to experts about the matter and some were kind enough to reply. I showed these replies to my family and they now are OK with me putting my foot down but still feel sorry for him.

I told them how he sees the world and that he doesn't feel guilt or concern for others, only anger when they don't comply with anything that he wants or his ways.

My kids could not understand why, when he watched a TV program, that he chuckled at inappropriate times or at things that were not funny in the least. I explained to them that he mimics a laugh when he thinks he should, that it isn't coming from the heart so that is why he laughs inappropriately. If he thinks something is supposed to be a joke he will do this laugh.

I still have to read "The Abusive Relationship"


----------



## MsJackie

ladysjk said:


> I was, the key word is was, married to a man like this. My hobbies were a waste of my time, yet he played video games. My friends only used me for what they could get, yet I had to force him to get off his lazy butt and get a job, or there would be nothing for him to eat etc, My family hated him therefore I could not see them, that was not true at the point he said it..if we went to the store, or anywhere I couldn't look at anyone of the opposite sex or I was flirting...lots more..that marriage last less than 2 yrs. Did I give up my hobbies, friends, family or vision..Heck no...I gave him up. I think I would have killed him if not for my hobbies, this is emotional, and mental abuse..you are who you are, don't try to change that or you will become bitter, and hateful. If he loved you enough to marry you the way you are, then why is he trying to change you?? You are still the woman he knew and loved. This needs some serious discussion between the two of you with no accusations, or fault finding. Just a good ole fashion conversations about what is REALLY bothering him, what the REAL problem with you is...Good luck


Amen. I gave up that guy too. Best move I ever made. This is not about knitting bothering him, it's about control. Please don't let him do that to you.


----------



## nellie47

don't give up your knitting! You need it as a stress reducer from you unwilling to understand husband. When he complains I would go to another room or sit in your car.


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## christine4321

fisherwoman said:


> TO: Bettye:
> 
> If you think this woman's (Topic) is NOT appropriate for this site,
> 
> then stick your head in the sand and don't read the pages.
> 
> NO ONE is berating her, all the KP'ers are trying to help and give her support and guidance.
> 
> She knows and we know that the main focus is "KNITTING", how much or how little.
> 
> She has the brains and intelligence to make the call!
> 
> Nothing wrong with reaching out on this forum for anything and everything. In this case it is certainly appropriate and cheaper then paying a shrink!
> 
> Fisherwoman


I think that Bettye has been misunderstood. The reply she gave was to a member who DID berate her in a sense by her harsh words and the overall tone of the response. At the same time, it sounded like the member was just responding angrily to the absurdity of the silly new spouse.


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## 9ewes

I'm so glad that you didn't let him win and are going to keep knitting. I wouldn't agree to not knit on your trip. Before dh and I even leave the house he says have you got some knitting with you? Our first trip out to California I forgot my knitting. After 2 day of me getting more and more nerves he says wheres your knitting? So we went ALL over the place trying to find some place that carried yarn and needles it was like trying to find a needle in a hay stack.This was back when knitting hadn't made a come back.We did find the stuff.


----------



## Hannelore

I think that those of us who have/had husbands who encouraged our knitting would not completely understand what it is like to be married to someone who doesn't want them to knit. My late husband always supported my hobbies as I did his. He knew if I wasn't able to knit then I would get stressed and that wasn't good for anyone. Like 9ewes, I was asked if I had my knitting with me, and if not the nearest wool shop was looked for and stock bought. He often asked me if I had seen some of the wool in department stores, when they still carried wool, and if I wanted some. As the saying goes, happy wife, happy life.


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## gmcmullen

I just got a chance to read your original post, several of the responses and your afterthoughts following the advise and responses you received. I just wanted to add that marriage is a give and take and there are compromises that need to be made to live in harmony. You need to sit down with him and really discuss the whole knitting business and carve out some "me" time. Don't let him bully you. 

Today he's complaining about your knitting. What will tomorrow bring? Remember, we are treated the way we let people treat us. Set the parameters early in your marriage, so he knows you mean business. Don't lose yourself or your dignity.


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## Jessica-Jean

joycevv said:


> And *what exactly do you get out of this relationship??*


This question should not be taken as rhetorical. It needs answering, if only to your inner self.


----------



## Jessica-Jean

ultrahiggs said:


> no dont you dare !!!!!!!!!!!! *Tell him* to get a hobby cos he is jealous of yours and *knitting is very artistic*, if that doesnt work, bring all your stuff into the living room and let him live in the garden shed :-D


and try to get him to read this article from The Washington Post.


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## PaulineRose

Indeed, throwing a dummy out of the cot is what comes to mind.

What a lovely, supportive site this is.


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## Jessica-Jean

By the numbers:

57 = the number of pages in this topic ... so far

75634 = the total number of users registered on Knitting Paradise

29113 = the number of 'views' of this one topic ... so far

40 = the number of pages I've read of this topic ... so far; it's dawn and I've been reading these _hours_ after I should have gone to sleep.

The overwhelming majority of the comments are positive, encouraging you to keep right on knitting. Some great advice is offered by people who seem to speak from experience.

You speak of grand-chidren. Yours? His? Does it even matter?
I invite you to come check out _my_ stash. Uncounted balls of yarn, cones weighing up to 15 pounds each, steel file cabinets stuffed with patterns/pattern booklets, sagging shelves bearing pattern books/loose-leaf binders of pattern sheets, boxes full of knitting needles, vases full of knitting needles, boxes/crates/bins/shelves/hanging shelves all full of yarn. Last year I made a list (paper and pen) of my 'works in progress' ... and stopped looking for them when I reached 74! Undoubtedly there are more now than when I made that list, even though some have been completed.

Would my Syrian prefer I spend more time cooking and cleaning than knitting or reading/answering on KP? You bet! He has tried pressuring me to quit yarn-play. I just kept right on. He'd prefer I not go to Sunday Knitting meetings; I go anyway. His upbringing means he did not grow up responsible for such household jobs as taking out the garbage, shovelling the snow, pruning the tree, other minor gardening jobs - or anything whatsoever inside the house. Over time, he has learned to do a few things, and he offers to help with snow-removal ... when there's really a lot of the white stuff. (Usually, he asks me when I've finished if I need a hand with the shovelling!) If he puts his own little trash bag into the garbage bag, he's done what he thinks he needs to do.  The changes have been slow to come; we're together since 1971. He's the major cook/shopper. He washes _some_ of the dirty dishes. He brings up and puts away his washed/dried/folded laundry, because I stopped doing those tasks after the first pregnancy. He never once offered to help in folding the neverending stacks of diapers, let alone touch a dirty one!

Is marriage a 50/50 deal? 100% from both? The balance you and yours strike is up to you two. It may be equal or it may seem unbalanced to outsiders. Whatever you both work out, it is YOUR lives and YOUR choices. I assume that he has some qualities that attracted you to him, just as you must have some that attracted him.

You need to see someone for help - alone or as a couple. We on KP are trying to encourage you, but you need someone face-to-face.

Sorry if I'm rambling. I think it's time to surrender to sleep.


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## Lina

Never give in. Knit him some nice socks.


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## Mercury

I would not hesitate to take a project along on your flight. Why should you oblige him and sit there having to watch him all the way. Take your knitting and don't feel like you have to hide it to do it. Be open and shown him that you are going to live your life the way you want to. Have a good trip and a good Holiday.


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## PaulineRose

Nothing to do with this subject, but I took knitting when I went to Spain and was SO worried in case my steel knitting needles were confisicated at the airport; it would have been better to take wood, or plastic, I think. I wonder if anyone does have experience needles being confiscated.


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## kalliopi

DO NOT QUIT DOING SOMETHING YOU LIKE JUST FOR HIM.
What you do not realize is that he will complain for your next hobby whatever that is. He sounds to be a selfish person. Maybe he can start a hobby and do it at the same time as knit. My husband does crosswork puzzles and sodukos when I am sitting on the sofa and knit.
Stick to your guns. Life is short and you do not want to be unhappy.
Good Luck


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## pleezed2pleez

Best hold on to your yarn, as time goes by he will become more self-sufficient and won't need a "sitter"


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## Cynthia Turner

There are likely many of us who have had husbands like this. I am recently widowed and knitting helps me stay sane, just as it helped me cope with the many sorrows of marriage to a controlling, abusive person. Do not give it up, your knitting suicide will accomplish nothing! Smile and ask him about the qualities you saw in him that were good. While he rhapsodizes about his greatness, and you smile and encourage him, you will have quiet joy and hope. Don't let him take that away.


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## Cynthia Turner

Me again, there is a poem appropriate for this by Edna St. Vincent Millay. It begins..."Oh, oh you will be sorry for that word....all of us will find great quiet wisdom in it. The end I shall be gone, and you may whistle for me... Does not mean that you will leave him perhaps, but that when you knit, his negativism, will not cause you self-harm...


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## headvase1

Don't give it up. My knitting keeps me from insanity and possible REDRUM (murder). PLEASE PLEASE don't give it up.


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## spdd12

That will be the day my husband says I can't do my knitting. He is a control Freak is right. If you can still pay all your bills then what you spend is none of his business. Sorry but don't let anyone tell you, you can't do anything you want. dump him! Like I say to my husband find a hobby!!!!


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## knittingbee

kneonknitter said:


> yover8 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Friends;
> 
> After working a 13 hour day, I checked KP, and tears filled my eyes at the overwhelming support from all the lovely people who share this forum! It has taken several hours, but I have read, and reread all of your thoughtful comments and advice.
> 
> Several wrote that what I was seeking was validation - that my knitting really isn't as evil as it is made out to be, and that my modest stash and time spent is not excessive, and the loudest message was to be true to myself above all. You all have given me positive feedback in abundance! Your kind words have offered encouragement, and perhaps courage too. Opinions from the outside observer offer insight, sometimes one's own is clouded when buried deep in the problem.
> 
> So, with a smile and deep resolve, the knitting stays. I will compromise and NOT take it on the long flight tomorrow, but keep something luscious in my suitcase for when I have time alone. (sorry to those who wanted the yarn and needles) Slowly the knitting will remake its "public" appearance - but there are lots of nights when he is out of town and the knitting reigns! You are right - he should be happy that I knit when he is away, and not go out for company.
> 
> Thank you is not enough for what this wonderful group has done for me today. I am empowered to be me again! I would like to offer each and every one of you a big hug and a grateful smile ... and soon, I will post a finished project.
> 
> XOX Christina XOX
> 
> 
> 
> YAY for you Christina!! You are woman! Be strong! We are here for you anytime.
Click to expand...

I echo all those who gave you a Go Girl! WE all look forward to seeing a finished item. Thak ;you for the update,Christina.


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## blbevard

So glad you decided to keep on knitting. Good for you.


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## Cindycz

Yep, courage sister! Be firm and friendly and carry sharp points!!!HA! :lol: Let him throw a tantrum--at least you know what you're dealing with :roll:


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## Mercury

Are you sure this man is an adult?


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## k hill

well for my two cents worth. I have a 78 year old mother in law and she wants a dog (in house) and her 83 yr old H says NOOOO! absolutly not. What I say is I am 58 years old and if I want to knit I knit, if I want a dog, I get a dog. But on the other hand my husband says nothing about what I do except if that's what you want go for it. Was not always so though. I just did what ( with in reason of course) I wanted because he always did. Moral of story. I am toooooo old to be treated like a child.


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## Nanxy

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


Sorry, but I will be blunt, you need a different husband. Or none if that would make it better, tell him that the money he is saving from you going to the mental doctor should be way more than enough for him to be grateful for your hobby.


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## Rhonda-may

He sounds to me that he's a control freak in certain countries women are suppose to do what a man says but you live in America and you have equal rights it's a marriage you are not his slave.
Just my thoughts he knew you knitted before you got married and you are entitled to spend sometime each day to knit and unwind. His problem is wants you to focus on him and to keep him entertainered. You work, cook, clean, you supervise homework you must be exhausted and then have to put up with his negative attitude, he needs hobby, a man cave or something.
There was no way I would let my husband say I couldn't knit in public or anywhere I started knitting on the beach when I was a as kid, I was knitting long before he came onto the scene.
One hour of knitting a night isn't much and it's not like that's all you do all day he needs to get over it or get out.
Good luck and keep on knitting.
Rhonda


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## Jessica-Jean

Inspired said:


> My advice - threaten to change hobbies maybe quilting or machine embroidery.
> Take your DH to a Bernina dealer and tell him you will give up knitting for a Bernina 830 - that'll run him about $13,000.00. He'll soon shut up about your knitting.


 :-D :thumbup: :-D :thumbup: :-D :thumbup: :-D


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## kwharrod

I don't think the knitting is what needs to go!


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## hersh

kwharrod said:


> I don't think the knitting is what needs to go!


Best advice.


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## ruthie49

i was saddened when I read your post...please take care of yourself and knit something fun...don't let the bully win!


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## Jessica-Jean

vannavanna said:


> Quite a few comments re "knitting on the plane". How are you able to board with needles in your bag?


http://www.tsa.gov/traveler-information/transporting-knitting-needles-and-needlepoint


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## Jessica-Jean

Jalsh said:


> a hundred skeins of yarn with project bags attached! *Who has that?*


When I was working full time, raising our two kids, doing all the housework/shopping/scooping litter-pans/taking out the garbage/shovelling snow/etc. - I didn't have much of a yarn stash; maximum at any given moment ~ a dozen skeins.

Since retirement and aided by the proliferation of second-hand stores (including one _across the street_!) and our move to a larger (not smaller!) house, my stash has grown to *far* beyond a single hundred skeins! It fills the house's largest room in boxes/bins stacked along all walls and three stacks deep to the front wall. Patterns and tools too. I have somewhere around 70 WIPs - none of which are in the bedroom, kitchen, or garage.

Thanks to the Internet, I've met other local knitters face-to-face and been to some of their homes. My yarn-related collection is not bigger than some of theirs. I'm 66 and have been growing my stash since we moved in here in 1997. It hurts no one, doesn't attract bugs, insulates the front wall, goes to charities, helps new knitters begin, and *pleases me*. I _can_ still walk between the stacks ... with care. ;-)

That's *Who has that?*! :twisted:


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## crazy-dutch-lady

this fairly new husband,,,needs to be replaced. Was he like this before you married him !!! Why do his family speak only their language ???I'm from a different country also,,,but we all spoke english when someone doesn't understand. Keep knitting and tell him to stop complaining !!! It's cheaper than a psychologist !!!!


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## njbk55

lost my mother 12th of Oct. Knitting was the only thing that I could do to. Since my folks are in Fl and I am in Mich, and do not have the funds to make two trips if need. Knitting the baby hats I was already working on kept me some what focused.


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## tryalot

yover8 said:


> Dear Friends;
> 
> After working a 13 hour day, I checked KP, and tears filled my eyes at the overwhelming support from all the lovely people who share this forum! It has taken several hours, but I have read, and reread all of your thoughtful comments and advice.
> 
> Several wrote that what I was seeking was validation - that my knitting really isn't as evil as it is made out to be, and that my modest stash and time spent is not excessive, and the loudest message was to be true to myself above all. You all have given me positive feedback in abundance! Your kind words have offered encouragement, and perhaps courage too. Opinions from the outside observer offer insight, sometimes one's own is clouded when buried deep in the problem.
> 
> So, with a smile and deep resolve, the knitting stays. I will compromise and NOT take it on the long flight tomorrow, but keep something luscious in my suitcase for when I have time alone. (sorry to those who wanted the yarn and needles) Slowly the knitting will remake its "public" appearance - but there are lots of nights when he is out of town and the knitting reigns! You are right - he should be happy that I knit when he is away, and not go out for company.
> 
> Thank you is not enough for what this wonderful group has done for me today. I am empowered to be me again! I would like to offer each and every one of you a big hug and a grateful smile ... and soon, I will post a finished project.
> 
> XOX Christina XOX


Looks like KP advice really IS helpful. I'm sure we all wish you luck with your new resolve. We can all rest easy now that we know you are not going to give up your knitting :thumbup:


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## crafty75

Don't give in to your new spouse - he is being very selfish - and if you give in this time - there are bound to be other issues later on - and he will continue to dominate - you stand up for yourself now or it will get worse. Keep on knitting - I'm sure you were knitting before you married him. 
I am divorced - and re-married and I don't take crap from anyone!


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## Heartseas

Boy am I glad I am on my own. I would not give up my hobbies for anyone. I would give him up first.


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## jjane139

The frightening thing about this man's demands is that they will never stop. If you give up a useful hobby that you love and which has numerous benefits, he will tell you what to cook, how to clean the house (and he won't help), how to style your hair, what clothes to wear, how you should drive, where you can go, whom you can be friends with, etc. There will be no end to it. If he is prone to anger as well, your relationship could become dangerous to you. Not only is this man not grown up, he is shortsighted and selfish to an unsettling degree. I was married for 39 years to a man who tried to make me over, of course thinking he could do a better job than the Creator did. It was a hard 39 years.


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## kneonknitter

njbk55 said:


> lost my mother 12th of Oct. Knitting was the only thing that I could do to. Since my folks are in Fl and I am in Mich, and do not have the funds to make two trips if need. Knitting the baby hats I was already working on kept me some what focused.


So sorry for your loss.


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## Norma B.

Now that there have been 59 pages and counting of responses to your post (I'm still pretty new here, but that seems like it might be a record) may we please know if you've made a decision about how to handle your dilemma? You know what most of us are hoping to hear---that you sit your neanderthal down and explain the facts of life and marriage to him, and if he elects to turn on selective hearing/deafness, that you then take appropriate steps to surgically remove the dilemma from your life, AND KEEP ON KNITTING!


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## napernana

As a very special friend once advised me, "It's time to put on your big girl underwear and stand your ground".
Can you mentally measure the anger & resentment you'll have in giving up something so meaningful and restful as your knitting? Just why DID you marry this guy?


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## Barbara O

I find this unbelievable. My husband encourages every thing I do, sewing, knitting, card making, beads etc. So you can imagine what my sewing room looks like at times.
He would never ask me to give up anything. As a matter of fact every time a new, u bueat embroidery machine is advertised he asks if I would like it. But I do pay half towards it. But I have all the machines I need at my age.

You should not even consider giving up your hobby it will make you so miserable then he will probably complain about that too.


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## yover8

Dear Friends; I continue to be amazed and awed by the support and encouragement given to me over 59 pages of thoughtful replies. Wow. I never imagined that so many people would care. 

First, it was not a hoax or tongue-in-cheek for Halloween. It is sadly true, and only part of the story. 

I didn't want to see it, but yes he is a controlling man. Knitting wouldn't be the first thing I gave up for peace in the household. Some times these things happen in such fine increments, that you don't notice until its all gone. 

His background culture is not appreciative of those fine artistic skills like sewing or knitting or painting. 

He is a professional who is accustomed to people accommodating him, and somewhat of a workaholic, so if one is not making money, one is not doing anything useful. And it never "his" or "mutual" money spent on supplies. 

And he IS jealous of the time I have for "mere hobbies", even though some of my work weeks are 60 hours long. When I asked him what IS acceptable for me to do when he busy doing his reading and computer work the evening, he could not give me an answer, just more rejection of the knitting and sewing. 

The counselling advice is very wise - I need it if only just for me. There were a few books and articles suggested that I have found already. 

I thank all of you who have taken the time to write such kind and supportive advice - and thank those wonderful hubbies who added theirs! You have given me the boost to climb out of that deep dark hole of despair.

It's been 5 days without knitting and my hands are starting to get shaky. I believe I will go and start some socks.
XOX Christina


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## destiny516ab

Communication is the key. Does he have any hobbies? Well when he is busy with his then you can knit. There has to be a some kind of compromise. Would you be really happy if you gave up knitting?


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## Knitish

"Background..professional.." should be appreciative of knitting, sewing, and stuff b/c these are absolutely essential to a comfortable and healthy life. I had family knitting underwear and other clothes in WW2 b/c they could not purchase. I also have a WW2 pattern for a hat I still use and kids think it is the best of all designs. Communicate with each other and remember the best in both.


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## PaulineRose

Hmmmm, K Hill,

Respect, but I don't think having a dog is the same - all family members need to be in agreement about having a dog, if possible, because it may affect others, and I think that your mother in law needs to think very carefully before she takes on this responsibility at her age -would she have problems if she wasn't well, for example? I feel that her husband may be negative about the idea due to this.


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## Samsmummy

The quicker you admit you have made a mistake the quicker you can take steps to make everything right again


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## Bennieblue

Jessica-Jean said:


> No. Do not raise the white flag! If you can't or won't ditch the heartless man, then just tell him it's cheaper than psychotherapy ... and that maybe _he_ should begin seeing a shrink!
> 
> I sympathise with you, but really do not think that you should throw in the towel. You are being bullied, as much as a 16-year-old girl who lets some brainless hunk dictate to her what clothes she wears, where she goes, who she sees. However, you are more experienced that any teenager. You *are* _able_ to stand up for yourself. Please, do so.


RIGHT ON. 
:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## flitri

I am so lucky, I have never had any control freaks in my life. My ex husband always liked to see me knitting and sewing, and so does my son. I would have divorced my husband long before I did if he was this controlling. It seems that your Husband wants to control everything that you do, don't give in to him by stopping knitting, this will only give him satisfaction in knowing that he has worn you down and he would probably gloat over that.


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## Carole Jeanne

My husband has mellowed a lot over nearly half a century. And I have learned to ignore some complaints which I felt to be absurd. 

He used to complain that I crunched potato chips too loudly, n should eat them quietly. Unfortunately most favorite foods are crunchy and I am noisy eating them. His OCD is rather profound. 

About six years ago we were at my cousin Judy's eating snacks and, lo an behold, Judy crunched chips with the same racket I did! Our heads must be some kind of resonance chamber. 

Over the years I learned to say "How important is it?" and "really" n " you could be right" a lot to his comments. He could also be wrong. 

Divorce is a big step if most other stuff is good. Marriage counseling could help you both decide " how important is it" If he is serious about this , other problems will become obvious. 

Best wishes. Keep knitting


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## Kathie

yover8 said:


> Dear Friends; I continue to be amazed and awed by the support and encouragement given to me over 59 pages of thoughtful replies. Wow. I never imagined that so many people would care.
> 
> First, it was not a hoax or tongue-in-cheek for Halloween. It is sadly true, and only part of the story.
> 
> I didn't want to see it, but yes he is a controlling man. Knitting wouldn't be the first thing I gave up for peace in the household. Some times these things happen in such fine increments, that you don't notice until its all gone.
> 
> His background culture is not appreciative of those fine artistic skills like sewing or knitting or painting.
> 
> He is a professional who is accustomed to people accommodating him, and somewhat of a workaholic, so if one is not making money, one is not doing anything useful. And it never "his" or "mutual" money spent on supplies.
> 
> And he IS jealous of the time I have for "mere hobbies", even though some of my work weeks are 60 hours long. When I asked him what IS acceptable for me to do when he busy doing his reading and computer work the evening, he could not give me an answer, just more rejection of the knitting and sewing.
> 
> The counselling advice is very wise - I need it if only just for me. There were a few books and articles suggested that I have found already.
> 
> I thank all of you who have taken the time to write such kind and supportive advice - and thank those wonderful hubbies who added theirs! You have given me the boost to climb out of that deep dark hole of despair.
> 
> It's been 5 days without knitting and my hands are starting to get shaky. I believe I will go and start some socks.
> XOX Christina


I have to admit I was somewhat skeptical when reading your original posting and wondered if it was for real. I knew it would generate lots of responses. Sometimes doing things a partner object too makes us so miserable it isn't worth the grief we get. This thing however, isn't about knitting, it's about controlling you. You just have to persist regardless of his objections because he will just move on to something else to rag on you about. It's sad but true. I hope you can come to some understanding in your relationship that makes both of you happy. It isn't an easy situation to be in. Good luck with that.


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## sylviaelliott

and what are you going to do instead? pander to his every need - i don't think so :hunf:


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## MarilynKnits

Remind him you are supposed to be a partner, not an employee. 

And keep your own money out of his hands. 

He would have done nicely in the 19th century, but his attitude makes him a dinosaur in today's society. 

Keep your options open.


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## hersh

Carole Jeanne said:


> My husband has mellowed a lot over nearly half a century. And I have learned to ignore some complaints which I felt to be absurd.
> 
> He used to complain that I crunched potato chips too loudly, n should eat them quietly. Unfortunately most favorite foods are crunchy and I am noisy eating them. His OCD is rather profound.
> 
> About six years ago we were at my cousin Judy's eating snacks and, lo an behold, Judy crunched chips with the same racket I did! Our heads must be some kind of resonance chamber.
> 
> Over the years I learned to say "How important is it?" and "really" n " you could be right" a lot to his comments. He could also be wrong.
> 
> Divorce is a big step if most other stuff is good. Marriage counseling could help you both decide " how important is it" If he is serious about this , other problems will become obvious.
> 
> Best wishes. Keep knitting


Why bother to do the dance?....What gain?....life is short.....


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## nellie47

good luck to you.Keep on knitting and stay safe.


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## taborhills

The suggestion to say, "you could be right" is delightful. Our youngest son taught e this one: "That's an idea!" It can be spoken various ways; try it out!


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## carrottop71

I see you are in the deep south and I think the men are used to their women taking care of their every need. You will only continue to give up more and more. You are in the south, but slavery was ended years ago thank God. Some men think of women as twits and only sillyness on their minds. Your are no twit. Knit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## ruthie49

you made my day! I struggle with this stuff all the time. We sisters need each other. I can almost see the smile on your face


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## taborhills

"You Don't Have to Believe Everything You Think!"


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## donna47304

Here's my suggestion: if, with just a paragraph or two you have received 60 pages of replies, it shows you've touched a nerve. Others have expressed similar complaints of home situations but yours garnered 60 pages of replies. Why?

You obviously have a way with words and it's how you expressed yourself that touched so many. So, my suggestion: take up writing. It's silent and actually many have made money doing so. Start a novel and weave into it your situation and resolution. Draw on more events from your life.

You will have a readership, I can guarantee that!


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## fisherwoman

Hey Christina:

Read your post later in the week and some of the many many responses there of, since my 93 3/4 yr old mom has been in the hospital.

What I don't understand is WHY you have not been knitting for the past 5 days? If so YOU have set yourself up to be further controlled, by giving in to his whims and YOU become the enabler, allowing him to berate you.

Only you can set your Boundaries as he has crossed the line!

Why hide (what you like to do and enjoy) in front of him. THAT IS NO WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE GOING FORWARD.

Is your husband American or is he of a foreign culture? If the latter, that may speak to why he has some ingrained ideas about a wife being subservient to all of his calls!

I am curious to know IF you ever knitted in front of him (before) you signed the marriage contract and he never knew about your enormous stash and love for knitting.

Taking away or giving up knitting is the same as 'taking away a part of you and who you are.

We all don't want to see that happen!

Fisherwoman, a 9 months knitter!


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## m_azingrace

Just curious: Is 100 balls of yarn really a "big stash"? It doesn't seem like so much to me.


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## DenzelsMa

He sound like a miserable old so-and-so. Maybe he's jealous because you're more capable than he is, but that's his problem not yours. If he won't shape up get rid of him and do more knitting. Like I've said before, some men are neither use nor ornament.
Di


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## 9ewes

I have something else to say. Unless I'm really sick with the flu or such, I could NOT!!! go 5 days without knitting.DH wouldn't let me, you should see him some evenings if I'm not knitting he says whats a matter you,why aren't you knitting or spinning?? He also thinks guys like yours are controling and rude and down right mean , and abusive.


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## In Memory of Scottybear

9ewes said:


> I have something else to say. Unless I'm really sick with the flu or such, I could NOT!!! go 5 days without knitting.DH wouldn't let me, you should see him some evenings if I'm not knitting he says whats a matter you,why aren't you knitting or spinning?? He also thinks guys like yours are controling and rude and down right mean , and abusive.


Me too. My DH wonders if I am coming down with something if I dont have needles or a crochet hook in my hands of an evening.


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## Norma B.

fisherwoman said:


> What I don't understand is WHY you have not been knitting for the past 5 days? If so YOU have set yourself up to be further controlled, by giving in to his whims and YOU become the enabler, allowing him to berate you.
> 
> Fisherwoman, a 9 months knitter!


A VERY good post---and the key word here is "enabler". I should've recognized that since I was an enabler to an alcoholic for 37 years without knowing it. I thought I was being a good and loyal wife to cover up and make excuses for him. I hope that's not the case here, but some part of it is. This man is addicted too, to control. He needs to control his wife and her knitting (or cooking or friends, or how she combs her hair, etc. etc. ad infinitum). After five days of giving in to him my hands would be shaking too, but it would be because I was trying to keep from placing them firmly around his neck and squeezing.


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## glacy1

damemary said:


> I thought it sounded rather modest.
> 
> 
> 
> sandyP said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Jalsh said:
> 
> 
> 
> a hundred skeins of yarn with project bags attached! Who has that?
> 
> 
> 
> Many people on this site!!!
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...

Me too.. if she's a hoarder????


----------



## glacy1

yover8 said:


> Dear Friends;
> 
> After working a 13 hour day, I checked KP, and tears filled my eyes at the overwhelming support from all the lovely people who share this forum! It has taken several hours, but I have read, and reread all of your thoughtful comments and advice.
> 
> Several wrote that what I was seeking was validation - that my knitting really isn't as evil as it is made out to be, and that my modest stash and time spent is not excessive, and the loudest message was to be true to myself above all. You all have given me positive feedback in abundance! Your kind words have offered encouragement, and perhaps courage too. Opinions from the outside observer offer insight, sometimes one's own is clouded when buried deep in the problem.
> 
> So, with a smile and deep resolve, the knitting stays. I will compromise and NOT take it on the long flight tomorrow, but keep something luscious in my suitcase for when I have time alone. (sorry to those who wanted the yarn and needles) Slowly the knitting will remake its "public" appearance - but there are lots of nights when he is out of town and the knitting reigns! You are right - he should be happy that I knit when he is away, and not go out for company.
> 
> Thank you is not enough for what this wonderful group has done for me today. I am empowered to be me again! I would like to offer each and every one of you a big hug and a grateful smile ... and soon, I will post a finished project.
> 
> XOX Christina XOX


You brought tears to me eyes! First, because I've been there with a controlling husband (Husb #2), and yes, everything that I gave up for him encouraged him to go for something else that was bugging him about me.. soon I had given up everything about me that I had previously been, and was a hollow shell of my former self. If you DON'T set the boundaries early in the relationship, it will be harder later on.

Trust me, even if you set the boundaries, you'll likely have to keep doing it, as the controlling husband can get very sneaky about re-exerting control.. Mine did. Another thing to think about. My husband gave me a hard time about my oil painting, for nearly all the reasons that you husband is giving you, but including that I had no talent for it. AFTER I gave it up and he 'disposed' of my oil painting supplies when I wasn't looking.. Years later, he kept telling me that I could not stick with anything.. and used my oil painting hobby as an example!! "Just when you were getting good at it, you quit.. you're a quitter! You never stick with anything!".. I was flabbergasted!!

He never hit me physically, but the bruises from mental /emotional abuse lasts a lot longer! He did isolate me from my hobbies, my friends, and family, over time.. not all at once.

Then I read your post (I think it was on page 50), and it brought tears to my eyes again, because I see some hope for you. Set your boundaries, keep setting them, and hopefully it will all work out.

Personally, I had to finally get a divorce in order to 'get myself back', and to get over the suicidal thoughts that had been running through my brain... and then I was single for about 15 years, rather than get back into another abusive/controlling relationhip. It was a long difficult transition to get back to my earlier self, including support groups and such..

I finally met my 3rd husband in 2001 and we had a relationship that we all dream about as little girls.. I had my Prince Charming who loved everything that I did or wanted to do.. Sadly, he passed away in 2009, and there's been no one that could replace him.. He appreciated my knitting because his ex wives favorite hobby was shopping, especially for fine jewelry! My DH would rather pay for yarn and patterns ANYTIME over expensive jewelry! When I expressed an interest in learning to spin, and talked to him about a drop spindle, he suggested that I buy a spinning wheel instead! When I explained how much more expensive a spinning wheel was compared to a drop spindle, he said, "But you're worth it!" and he was going to buy me the best that he (or we) could find for either my birthday or Christmas of that year.. but then he got sick and was no longer with me...

I do have my spinning wheel now, although I shopped around and got a great deal on a used one.. I think of him with love whenever I spin!

If you let your husband dictate to you what you can do for fun and relaxation, like giving up your harmless knitting, you will learn to resent him, and perhaps in time, even learn to HATE him. Either clear the air with him or think about what else you are willing to give up to keep him 'happy'.. although I doubt that he will be happy with whatever you give up.. based on my own experiences.

Also, is there something about him that bugs you that he can give up? Perhaps talking in a foreign language to his family and friends in front of you? I would HATE that... It's just rude. My sister suffered through that and finally left him.. She went back after 30 years and they have a good relationship now, but there was a lot of growth on both sides during those 30 years in between!

Good luck with whatever you do, and you are in my prayers. 
Gloria


----------



## DotS

Sounds like your H needs a hobby and not in the form of ragging on you. He also sounds like he is controlling, just turn him off. DON'T GIVE UP KNITTING. Good luck to you.
DotS


----------



## oma lisa

My heart goes out to you and you have received so much good advice from many fellow KP'ers that I can't think of anything more to add....maybe your husband should read some of these suggestions!!! Sadly though, I would imagine that he would no doubt find a way to twist and turn it against you. Be strong and follow your heart and PLEASE let us all know how you are doing.....


----------



## Norma B.

glacy1 said:


> yover8 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dear Friends;
> 
> After working a 13 hour day, I checked KP, and tears filled my eyes at the overwhelming support from all the lovely people who share this forum! It has taken several hours, but I have read, and reread all of your thoughtful comments and advice.
> 
> Several wrote that what I was seeking was validation - that my knitting really isn't as evil as it is made out to be, and that my modest stash and time spent is not excessive, and the loudest message was to be true to myself above all. You all have given me positive feedback in abundance! Your kind words have offered encouragement, and perhaps courage too. Opinions from the outside observer offer insight, sometimes one's own is clouded when buried deep in the problem.
> 
> So, with a smile and deep resolve, the knitting stays. I will compromise and NOT take it on the long flight tomorrow, but keep something luscious in my suitcase for when I have time alone. (sorry to those who wanted the yarn and needles) Slowly the knitting will remake its "public" appearance - but there are lots of nights when he is out of town and the knitting reigns! You are right - he should be happy that I knit when he is away, and not go out for company.
> 
> Thank you is not enough for what this wonderful group has done for me today. I am empowered to be me again! I would like to offer each and every one of you a big hug and a grateful smile ... and soon, I will post a finished project.
> 
> XOX Christina XOX
> 
> 
> 
> You brought tears to me eyes! First, because I've been there with a controlling husband (Husb #2), and yes, everything that I gave up for him encouraged him to go for something else that was bugging him about me.. soon I had given up everything about me that I had previously been, and was a hollow shell of my former self. If you DON'T set the boundaries early in the relationship, it will be harder later on.
> 
> Trust me, even if you set the boundaries, you'll likely have to keep doing it, as the controlling husband can get very sneaky about re-exerting control.. Mine did. Another thing to think about. My husband gave me a hard time about my oil painting, for nearly all the reasons that you husband is giving you, but including that I had no talent for it. AFTER I gave it up and he 'disposed' of my oil painting supplies when I wasn't looking.. Years later, he kept telling me that I could not stick with anything.. and used my oil painting hobby as an example!! "Just when you were getting good at it, you quit.. you're a quitter! You never stick with anything!".. I was flabbergasted!!
> 
> He never hit me physically, but the bruises from mental /emotional abuse lasts a lot longer! He did isolate me from my hobbies, my friends, and family, over time.. not all at once.
> 
> Then I read your post (I think it was on page 50), and it brought tears to my eyes again, because I see some hope for you. Set your boundaries, keep setting them, and hopefully it will all work out.
> 
> Personally, I had to finally get a divorce in order to 'get myself back', and to get over the suicidal thoughts that had been running through my brain... and then I was single for about 15 years, rather than get back into another abusive/controlling relationhip. It was a long difficult transition to get back to my earlier self, including support groups and such..
> 
> I finally met my 3rd husband in 2001 and we had a relationship that we all dream about as little girls.. I had my Prince Charming who loved everything that I did or wanted to do.. Sadly, he passed away in 2009, and there's been no one that could replace him.. He appreciated my knitting because his ex wives favorite hobby was shopping, especially for fine jewelry! My DH would rather pay for yarn and patterns ANYTIME over expensive jewelry! When I expressed an interest in learning to spin, and talked to him about a drop spindle, he suggested that I buy a spinning wheel instead! When I explained how much more expensive a spinning wheel was compared to a drop spindle, he said, "But you're worth it!" and he was going to buy me the best that he (or we) could find for either my birthday or Christmas of that year.. but then he got sick and was no longer with me...
> 
> I do have my spinning wheel now, although I shopped around and got a great deal on a used one.. I think of him with love whenever I spin!
> 
> If you let your husband dictate to you what you can do for fun and relaxation, like giving up your harmless knitting, you will learn to resent him, and perhaps in time, even learn to HATE him. Either clear the air with him or think about what else you are willing to give up to keep him 'happy'.. although I doubt that he will be happy with whatever you give up.. based on my own experiences.
> 
> Also, is there something about him that bugs you that he can give up? Perhaps talking in a foreign language to his family and friends in front of you? I would HATE that... It's just rude. My sister suffered through that and finally left him.. She went back after 30 years and they have a good relationship now, but there was a lot of growth on both sides during those 30 years in between!
> 
> Good luck with whatever you do, and you are in my prayers.
> Gloria
Click to expand...

OK, maybe I'm just really sappy but I'm sitting here on my second Kleenex. Both of these quotes touched me deeply. One is just beginning on a journey of resolve to save herself, the other came through such pain with flying colors. There really aren't enough words to express both congratulations and sympathy to you both, but more, encouragement and support. God bless you both.


----------



## brain56

yover8 said:


> Dear Friends; I continue to be amazed and awed by the support and encouragement given to me over 59 pages of thoughtful replies. Wow. I never imagined that so many people would care.
> 
> First, it was not a hoax or tongue-in-cheek for Halloween. It is sadly true, and only part of the story.
> 
> I didn't want to see it, but yes he is a controlling man. Knitting wouldn't be the first thing I gave up for peace in the household. Some times these things happen in such fine increments, that you don't notice until its all gone.
> 
> His background culture is not appreciative of those fine artistic skills like sewing or knitting or painting.
> 
> He is a professional who is accustomed to people accommodating him, and somewhat of a workaholic, so if one is not making money, one is not doing anything useful. And it never "his" or "mutual" money spent on supplies.
> 
> And he IS jealous of the time I have for "mere hobbies", even though some of my work weeks are 60 hours long. When I asked him what IS acceptable for me to do when he busy doing his reading and computer work the evening, he could not give me an answer, just more rejection of the knitting and sewing.
> 
> The counselling advice is very wise - I need it if only just for me. There were a few books and articles suggested that I have found already.
> 
> I thank all of you who have taken the time to write such kind and supportive advice - and thank those wonderful hubbies who added theirs! You have given me the boost to climb out of that deep dark hole of despair.
> 
> It's been 5 days without knitting and my hands are starting to get shaky. I believe I will go and start some socks.
> XOX Christina


Please, return to your knitting; and get professional counseling about your relationship, ASAP. 
The counselor can help you determine whether a new footing can be established; or, if necessary, facilitate the best/safest "exit strategy" possible.

I'm thinking of you, daily, Christina,


----------



## Carole Jeanne

Sorry to beso thick headed but is DH designated or dear hubby?


----------



## Jessica-Jean

Carole Jeanne said:


> Sorry to be so thick headed but is DH designated or dear hubby?


 :-D That's what's nice about using abbreviations; the letters can mean pretty much whatever the writer/reader want! I was thinking something less complimentary than 'designated'. :twisted:


----------



## Carole Jeanne

I guess in at least one example ( page 61) it could be dearly departed. 

.


----------



## hersh

Carole Jeanne said:


> I guess in at least one example ( page 61) it could be dearly departed.
> 
> .


Girl you are good!


----------



## mystic31714

I agree it probably should be dearly departed. Life is way too short to be in an unhappy marriage. 
I was fortunate , I had a wonderful husband for 44 years and lost him in 2001 to cancer. He supported every interest and hobby that I had , never mentioned money, in fact told me I did not treat myself often enough. I miss him daily and that is what a good marriage is, supporting each other in all ways. 
I sorry to say do not hold out much hope for this guy, do not think he will change his spots, 
Christina, hope you can find some happiness soon, whatever you decide. Sending you courage to stand up for yourself.


----------



## Cynthia Turner

I am so glad you will knit! I wanted to share the poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay.
Oh,oh, you will be sorry for that word.
Give back my book and take my kiss instead.
Was it my enemy or my friend I heard
"What a big book for such a little head!"
Come, I will show you now my newest hat, 
And you may watch me purse my mouth and prink!
Oh, I shall love you still and all of that.
I never again shall tell you what I think. 
I shall be sweet and crafty, soft and sly;
You will not catch me reading anymore:
I shall be called a wife to pattern by;
And some day when you knock and push the door,
Some sane day, not too bright and not too stormy.
I shall be gone, and you may whistle for me.

Not that she would leave him perhaps, but feel strong enough to take a stand for her beliefs, and pursue them.
Best wishes, and happy knitting!


----------



## kneonknitter

yover8 said:


> Dear Friends; I continue to be amazed and awed by the support and encouragement given to me over 59 pages of thoughtful replies. Wow. I never imagined that so many people would care.
> 
> First, it was not a hoax or tongue-in-cheek for Halloween. It is sadly true, and only part of the story.
> 
> I didn't want to see it, but yes he is a controlling man. Knitting wouldn't be the first thing I gave up for peace in the household. Some times these things happen in such fine increments, that you don't notice until its all gone.
> 
> His background culture is not appreciative of those fine artistic skills like sewing or knitting or painting.
> 
> He is a professional who is accustomed to people accommodating him, and somewhat of a workaholic, so if one is not making money, one is not doing anything useful. And it never "his" or "mutual" money spent on supplies.
> 
> And he IS jealous of the time I have for "mere hobbies", even though some of my work weeks are 60 hours long. When I asked him what IS acceptable for me to do when he busy doing his reading and computer work the evening, he could not give me an answer, just more rejection of the knitting and sewing.
> 
> The counselling advice is very wise - I need it if only just for me. There were a few books and articles suggested that I have found already.
> 
> I thank all of you who have taken the time to write such kind and supportive advice - and thank those wonderful hubbies who added theirs! You have given me the boost to climb out of that deep dark hole of despair.
> 
> It's been 5 days without knitting and my hands are starting to get shaky. I believe I will go and start some socks.
> XOX Christina


Christina, I am glad to see what you wrote. Everyone deserves to be happy in their life & if they are not, they deserve to find out why & how too fix it. Good luck to you hon! We are here if you need us.


----------



## Norma B.

Jessica-Jean said:


> Carole Jeanne said:
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry to be so thick headed but is DH designated or dear hubby?
> 
> 
> 
> :-D That's what's nice about using abbreviations; the letters can mean pretty much whatever the writer/reader want! I was thinking something less complimentary than 'designated'. :twisted:
Click to expand...

We're definitely on the same page as to what that particular D stands for. :twisted: :twisted:


----------



## dijewe

LIsten to this:


----------



## Jessica-Jean

dwernars said:


> LIsten to this:


The link's not working for me.


----------



## dijewe

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=9M-wFJrw9VQ&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D9M-wFJrw9VQ


----------



## lindahart

It made me sad to read your note. Your well-written entry showed that you are intelligent, thoughtful, organized, and have tried to address each of your husband's complaints in realistic ways. If this is all true, then as you read back over your entry you can see that, in actuality, none of your husband's complaints carries much validity. An objective observer would question HIM, not YOU.

My hunch is that this isn't really about the knitting. If you give up the knitting, he will find something else that you love to do that doesn't include or serve him, and he will turn his focus to getting you to give up that, too. 

Another clue would be if he has had this pattern in previous relationships. You say that this is a "new husband." Please be careful. Do your research. If you haven't known him long, this sort of behavior could be a sign of big trouble to come.

This is about him, not you, according to what you wrote. The only constructive thing you can do is to find out what feelings your knitting brings up for him. He is deeply threatened by your knitting, and you're going to have to find out why.

I would be the first to tell you that all marriages and relationships require compromises, but when a spouse does not respect and support an activity in your life that nourishes your soul, as it appears that knitting does, it doesn't bode well for your future together. This man may tell you he loves you, but actions speak louder than words.


----------



## shanni

Christina, I did post a response early on in this and have just read through 50 pages worrying that you had broken down and given in, I am so pleased that you are going to continue with your knitting, please take care of yourself now and in the future and KEEP KNITTING


----------



## yover8

Thank you all for your continued good wishes and support. What a wonderful place KP is; I am grateful beyond words.


----------



## jean-bean

Christina, you only have one life and you deserve to be happy in it!


----------



## k1p1s1psso

Lively comments! My spouse says that he will make me give up knitting soon. This is because I get so cross with myself and chunter as I work. However, he loves the jumpers I've made him, and knows it would be unwise to try and make me do/not do anything. He is astounded by the comments I've read him from KP. Don't mess with my wool, not even the cat is allowed to do that.


----------



## kneonknitter

Norma B. said:


> Jessica-Jean said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Carole Jeanne said:
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry to be so thick headed but is DH designated or dear hubby?
> 
> 
> 
> :-D That's what's nice about using abbreviations; the letters can mean pretty much whatever the writer/reader want! I was thinking something less complimentary than 'designated'. :twisted:
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> We're definitely on the same page as to what that particular D stands for. :twisted: :twisted:
Click to expand...

HAHAHAHA!! Me too.


----------



## Micromegas

If you give up everything that makes you you, he'll get bored with you. I hope you made him promise before marriage that he would not make you give up family, friends, hobbies, etc.

Your mate's a control freak.


----------



## glacy1

Micromegas said:


> If you give up everything that makes you you, he'll get bored with you. I hope you made him promise before marriage that he would not make you give up family, friends, hobbies, etc.
> 
> Your mate's a control freak.


Yes, once they've made you over, they aren't excited by what they have as they were when you first met.. from personal experience.. Is it boredom? Or is it that they don't appreciate what they have until it's gone? How many times did I hear that after I left?


----------



## k1p1s1psso

this issue will run & run.in the past i fell for a neurotic, controlling, bully. the end was when i decided to be me, then he cried & begged. he showed an unusual interest in my hobbies to keep me close, isolated. you have always be wary.


----------



## m_azingrace

k1p1s1psso said:


> this issue will run & run.in the past i fell for a neurotic, controlling, bully. the end was when i decided to be me, then he cried & begged. he showed an unusual interest in my hobbies to keep me close, isolated. you have always be wary.


Amen, sister! While I have remained married to this man going on 49 years, it's been a continual uphill struggle to maintain my sanity and sense of self. It's not all bad. If it were, I'd have been on the first bus back to wence I came (which in retrospect was also not wonderful). He has many redeeming qualities --- they always do. But I am forever on guard, especially when I am tired, because these men also know instinctively when we are our most vulnerable. But I just love his reaction when he realizes I've out-tricked him. LOL


----------



## lindahart

Since this issue keeps going, I have one more thing I thought to say that I think all of you will get a kick out of:

Just think of all the REAL problems that some men have with their wives. Some wives drink too much. Or beat or neglect their children. Or run around with other men. Or run up that credit card debt. He's making you miserable over KNITTING?! Really?!!

Here's what to do:

Get drunk and drive your car through the garage door.

I think you'll find that he suddenly won't be focusing on your knitting anymore!!

: )


----------



## Jessica-Jean

lindahart said:


> Here's what to do:
> 
> Get drunk and drive your car through the garage door.
> 
> I think you'll find that he suddenly won't be focusing on your knitting anymore!! : )


 :-D :-D :thumbup: :thumbup:


----------



## Hannelore

yover8 said:


> Dear Friends; I continue to be amazed and awed by the support and encouragement given to me over 59 pages of thoughtful replies. Wow. I never imagined that so many people would care.
> 
> First, it was not a hoax or tongue-in-cheek for Halloween. It is sadly true, and only part of the story.
> 
> I didn't want to see it, but yes he is a controlling man. Knitting wouldn't be the first thing I gave up for peace in the household. Some times these things happen in such fine increments, that you don't notice until its all gone.
> 
> His background culture is not appreciative of those fine artistic skills like sewing or knitting or painting.
> 
> He is a professional who is accustomed to people accommodating him, and somewhat of a workaholic, so if one is not making money, one is not doing anything useful. And it never "his" or "mutual" money spent on supplies.
> 
> And he IS jealous of the time I have for "mere hobbies", even though some of my work weeks are 60 hours long. When I asked him what IS acceptable for me to do when he busy doing his reading and computer work the evening, he could not give me an answer, just more rejection of the knitting and sewing.
> 
> The counselling advice is very wise - I need it if only just for me. There were a few books and articles suggested that I have found already.
> 
> I thank all of you who have taken the time to write such kind and supportive advice - and thank those wonderful hubbies who added theirs! You have given me the boost to climb out of that deep dark hole of despair.
> 
> It's been 5 days without knitting and my hands are starting to get shaky. I believe I will go and start some socks.
> XOX Christina


Christina, I can understand that you are having withdrawal symptoms after 5 days of not knitting. Has your husband seen this as well? Please do some knitting and calm yourself down. Therapy would be much more expensive and there would be nothing to show for it at the end. I only wish you can resolve this problem to a mutual agreement. Prayers and hugs are coming your way.


----------



## Cynthia Turner

Well, this does seem to be a way to be a way to put perspective on the bane of his existence, knitting. I'd be happy to join you in some glasses of Chardonnay, and point the car in the direction of the garage door...
My treat haha...


----------



## Cynthia Turner

Oops, forgot I was supposed to include the message...from lindahart....


----------



## Nussa

If you give up your knitting now, soon it will be something else, like not being able to go out with your girl friends once in a while, or not allowing you to see your family. I'd say it's time to nip this in the bud. Find a place to knit where the sound won't bother him. Let him visit his relatives alone if they aren't willing to speak in a language you can understand, as I'm assuming they can. That will give you time to get some extra knitting done.
My husband is a good man. But from the beginning of our relationship he tried to change me. Tell me what to wear, not to grow my nails long, and expected me to wait on him hand and foot when he got home from work every day. And for many years I did. I assumed that's what a stay at home Mom did. Finally one evening he was sitting in his recliner and asked me to get him a bowl of ice cream. I told him no. He was very confused, and not to happy. And after that, things slowly got better. He now clears the table after he's eaten a meal, and will start a load of clothes when he sees they need to be washed. Is he always happy about it? No, but it was a compromise that we can both live with. And as of Dec. 30th of 2012 we will have been married 38 yrs. There are always bumps in the road in a marriage, but they can be worked out. You need to be who you really are, or you will find yourself miserable and unhappy. I wish you the best of luck, and a long and happy marriage. )


----------



## pamgillies1

Having been married for 47 years (and together for 50)I can understand your problem. I went from living at home with parents to being married (at 19). I always did as I was told as he earned the money. I was the stay at home mother of 3 children whilst he was running a multinational company and travelling the world and living the high life. He told me what to wear, how to bring up the kids (whom he spoilt rotten when he was at home, leaving me as the disciplinarian)who to see etc. We have had our ups and downs but are still together. It was after his 2nd affair that I suddenly decided enough was enough and filed for divorce, after getting the decree nisi he suddenly decided that he didn't want a divorce and wanted us to stay together. I agreed but said there had to be a change and some rules set out. We have, more or less, resolved most of the differences and I do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Don't get me wrong we still have differences of opinions but we now work them out. If I hadn't have put my foot down I would still have been living with a dominating bully. Our lives are totally different now but he still has his moments which I ignore anyway, I still knit and do what I want but I also do more with him.
If this man will not change you have to get rid of him for your own sanity.


----------



## tavimama

Wow - and he still draws breath! Ask him if he would rather you took up drugs/cigarettes/alcohol and/or pole-dancing. If the answer to all or most of these is no..... then he really doesn't have anything to complain about. Enlist his mother and any other willing and grateful recipients of your carefully and lovingly crafted items to wave the flag in YOUR favour. Few men ignore their mothers (!). Good luck sweetheart. X


----------



## PauletteB.

Married for 45 years and been together for 51 years. From the very beginning we shared responsibilities. It was not his job to get groceries or wash clothes but he did both sometimes we did them together other times he would do them on his own. He has never been critical of my knitting and he wears things I have made for him. Although occasionally I might get "another Knit Picks order" and that is alright .


----------



## belka453

:twisted:  :evil: NO NO NO don't give up he is one hell of a controller my husband is the same i'm married for 38 yrs. is time u put you FOOT DOWN and tell him that is the only thing you do that u love and relaxes you that you work very hard and this is my time, that is time for him to repect it. Like he has his favored pass time and you don't bother him so it is time for him to throw his white Flag down. :thumbup:


----------



## belka453

i put my husband on his place 5 yrs ago and now he has changed. IF HE DON'T LIKE IT U KNOW WHERE HE CAN GO. Don't be afraid sometime is for much better. oh another thing and most important value yourself and make him value you like u value him


----------



## LiceLady

The only concession I'd make would be switching to wooden needles. Point out that it is less expensive than therapy or cocaine. He married you knowing that you were a knitter. Now he needs to at least be tolerant of that decision or take a hike.


----------



## Knitangel

It'll be knitting today, then he'll find something else tomorrow!

In the end you'll be a jibbering wreck trying to please him and he'll never be satisfied. Its a control game that never ends. Pack your bags.


----------



## karen figueroa

Did you see that there are 63 pages of replies to your message!! That's the most I've ever seen. Unfortunately you may not be alone in your dilemma, but look at all the support you have!!


----------



## declyn15

I think that this multiplicity of responses and the feeling that "death of a knitter" is not alone in this complaint, makes me want to hug my wonderful husband. I have turned my hobby into an accessory business and he never complains when I am indulging in my hobby/business. But then again he never begrudged the time or money I put into doing, in part, what makes me, me.....Other crafters out there who feel the same, hug that partner of yours!


----------



## k1p1s1psso

My spouse says that your spouse should cut and run. Actually, he is getting a bit nervous about the international responses. If he left it would be an easy solution of your problem. Must dash, of the local knitting group. The meeting is in a pub, so it suits both of us


----------



## sczyx

Sounds like you are just trolling to me.....


----------



## Poll

I couldn't put up with a man like that I have patterns by the hundreds wool piled floor to ceiling and needles galore and he never says a word he even buys me more wool and cross stitch but then I'm half of a partnership I put up with his foibles and he puts up with mine and after 41 years I'm not going to change


----------



## elsiemae

So, are you really planning on giving up your hobby?!! And if you do, what will you replace it with?! Sorry to be so blunt but there is something very wrong with your husband!! Sounds to me like it's not the knitting that you should be giving up!!


----------



## morningstar

Dear Yover 8....If possible, go for some professional counseling. Living with this controlling bully is distorting your perspective. Not knowing you, I can only guess that leaving him may not be an option for you at this time. My first reaction was, "Dump him, NOT the knitting! Your knitting brings you comfort and he brings you grief." Hope by now you've felt the support of so many who have replied and that you are planning to be good to yourself.


----------



## wkyangel

Ok, before you give in, what has been in your life the longest? The art of blissful serene knitting or the misunderstanding husband? Ya'll don't get me wrong here, but REALLY? Hand him a pair of needles and tell him to sit down and your gonna show him how to relax, feel the difference in the yarns, enjoy the motion of it all, and when he's done, he can shriek with joy and feel intense pleasure of finishing his project..... you have to make him understand in manspeak, lol! If he still doesn't get it....well, it's his loss, not yours darlin'. You keep on doing what you have been doing, after all, everyone else in the family who enjoys your knitting will miss it dearly!


----------



## WandaPie

PLEEZE listen to the advice from the other responders and DON'T quit knitting. You can't let him control you.


----------



## Jessica-Jean

sczyx said:


> Sounds like you are just trolling to me.....


And I thought _I_ was a cynic! You've got me beat!
Were she asking for $$, I might agree with you. But what might she be 'trolling' for with her tale of woe?


----------



## tryalot

Well, you must have read all the posts, what's your final decision?


----------



## Jessica-Jean

tryalot said:


> Well, you must have read all the posts, what's your final decision?


If _you_, Tryalot, had done so, you'd already know!


----------



## tryalot

Jessica-Jean said:


> tryalot said:
> 
> 
> 
> Well, you must have read all the posts, what's your final decision?
> 
> 
> 
> If _you_, Tryalot, had done so, you'd already know!
Click to expand...

I have! but it seemed indecisive, thought that with all the following posts there maybe a less tentative one


----------



## doogie

NO! Don't raise the white flag for the love all all that is Yarn or thread!

You can tell your husband that you met a disabled Veteran who is 
A. a guy, 
B. has plenty of relatives who argue in languages other than english, 
C. Assures him ( your husband) that 200-300 years ago there were guilds of Men who did nothing but knit for a living- ergo "Guild" 
D.The peace and tranquility that knitting brings is worth more than all the money in the world
E. Doesn't believe in raising a white flag for any reason. If I don't have coffee, a book, or knitting needles in my hand there is something wrong.

And finally. I know he is your husband, however, since he complains that he doesn't have a hobby then perhaps he should stop complaining and get one.

A wise person once told me that there are a few rules in life you don't interfere with:

1. Don't get between a woman and her hobbies /(Knitting)
2. Refer to rule number one
3. Don't ever think you know more than a woman. The day you do is most likely your last. 
4. The man that criticises a woman needs to refer to rule number 3
5. For all other things in life refer back to rule number 2.

Hope that helps.      And for what it is worth. Please don't give up knitting. Don't give up something you love if you can help it. Especially if the words peace and happiness result from it.

V/r,
Doc


yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


----------



## Jessica-Jean

tryalot said:


> Jessica-Jean said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> tryalot said:
> 
> 
> 
> Well, you must have read all the posts, what's your final decision?
> 
> 
> 
> If _you_, Tryalot, had done so, you'd already know!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I have! but it seemed indecisive, thought that with all the following posts there maybe a less tentative one
Click to expand...

On Nov 2, 12 00:20:54


yover8 said:


> Dear Friends;
> 
> After working a 13 hour day, I checked KP, and tears filled my eyes at the overwhelming support from all the lovely people who share this forum! It has taken several hours, but I have read, and reread all of your thoughtful comments and advice.
> 
> Several wrote that what I was seeking was validation - that my knitting really isn't as evil as it is made out to be, and that my modest stash and time spent is not excessive, and the loudest message was to be true to myself above all. You all have given me positive feedback in abundance! Your kind words have offered encouragement, and perhaps courage too. Opinions from the outside observer offer insight, sometimes one's own is clouded when buried deep in the problem.
> 
> So, with a smile and deep resolve, the knitting stays. I will compromise and NOT take it on the long flight tomorrow, but keep something luscious in my suitcase for when I have time alone. (sorry to those who wanted the yarn and needles) Slowly the knitting will remake its "public" appearance - but there are lots of nights when he is out of town and the knitting reigns! You are right - he should be happy that I knit when he is away, and not go out for company.
> 
> Thank you is not enough for what this wonderful group has done for me today. I am empowered to be me again! I would like to offer each and every one of you a big hug and a grateful smile ... and soon, I will post a finished project.
> 
> XOX Christina XOX


On Nov 4, 12 05:58:33


yover8 said:


> Dear Friends; I continue to be amazed and awed by the support and encouragement given to me over 59 pages of thoughtful replies. Wow. I never imagined that so many people would care.
> 
> First, it was not a hoax or tongue-in-cheek for Halloween. It is sadly true, and only part of the story.
> 
> I didn't want to see it, but yes he is a controlling man. Knitting wouldn't be the first thing I gave up for peace in the household. Some times these things happen in such fine increments, that you don't notice until its all gone.
> 
> His background culture is not appreciative of those fine artistic skills like sewing or knitting or painting.
> 
> He is a professional who is accustomed to people accommodating him, and somewhat of a workaholic, so if one is not making money, one is not doing anything useful. And it never "his" or "mutual" money spent on supplies.
> 
> And he IS jealous of the time I have for "mere hobbies", even though some of my work weeks are 60 hours long. When I asked him what IS acceptable for me to do when he busy doing his reading and computer work the evening, he could not give me an answer, just more rejection of the knitting and sewing.
> 
> The counselling advice is very wise - I need it if only just for me. There were a few books and articles suggested that I have found already.
> 
> I thank all of you who have taken the time to write such kind and supportive advice - and thank those wonderful hubbies who added theirs! You have given me the boost to climb out of that deep dark hole of despair.
> 
> It's been 5 days without knitting and my hands are starting to get shaky. I believe I will go and start some socks.
> XOX Christina


Nov 5, 12 03:12:10


yover8 said:


> Thank you all for your continued good wishes and support. What a wonderful place KP is; I am grateful beyond words.


To _me_, it seems that she'll keep on knitting despite (expletives deleted) spouse.


----------



## ashworthml

I would never give my knitting up because my partner doesn't like it.It does sound like he's jealous,he needs a hobby out of the house and quick!!
I have stashes of wool and patterns,needles etc all around the house extending into the spare room and even in the cupboard I have in the garage!
My other half is brilliant though,I have been knitting him a sweater for the past year but through new babies being born he is waiting patiently and has said he will wait for his and to do my grandsons and expected grand daughters garments first which I thought was nice of him.
I keep saying I never get to knit myself anything for knitting for everyone else and he's even said to me to do one for myself first before finishing his...he might get his in about 5 years time,but he'll wait patiently.I did finish one for him a few years ago,so I don't feel too bad! 
If you enjoy it I wouldn't let your hubby get away with it,I would carry on!


----------



## sczyx

Jessica-Jean said:


> sczyx said:
> 
> 
> 
> Sounds like you are just trolling to me.....
> 
> 
> 
> And I thought _I_ was a cynic! You've got me beat!
> Were she asking for $$, I might agree with you. But what might she be 'trolling' for with her tale of woe?
Click to expand...

I was responding to the post above mine by k1p1s1psso who said:

"My spouse says that your spouse should cut and run. Actually, he is getting a bit nervous about the international responses. If he left it would be an easy solution of your problem. Must dash, of the local knitting group. The meeting is in a pub, so it suits both of us"


----------



## m_azingrace

Jessica-Jean said:


> sczyx said:
> 
> 
> 
> Sounds like you are just trolling to me.....
> 
> 
> 
> And I thought _I_ was a cynic! You've got me beat!
> Were she asking for $$, I might agree with you. But what might she be 'trolling' for with her tale of woe?
Click to expand...

Makes me wonder who the real troll is.


----------



## gnelson

Taking this pleasure now. He'll surely take any others that will make you happy. Good luck


----------



## M30Knitting

Knitting is my art and a way for me to be creative. I could not give it up for anyone or any thing. What will you have to give up next?


----------



## Rozelle12

Listening to all these situations only reinforces what a wonderful husband I had. He was so kind and considerate and we so enjoyed being together. A key word is respect. We shared our craft room so he did his oil painting on one side and I had my sewing and computer on the other side so we were never far apart. I was a very lucky woman with wonderful memories. Dont give up what you really enjoy so it saves your sanity. Rozelle12


----------



## christine4321

Rozelle12-----I am so sorry that you lost your husband. It sounds like you two had an amazing relationship. I hope things are going well for you. You sound like a very kind and reasonable lady.


----------



## Hannelore

Rozelle12 said:


> Listening to all these situations only reinforces what a wonderful husband I had. He was so kind and considerate and we so enjoyed being together. A key word is respect. We shared our craft room so he did his oil painting on one side and I had my sewing and computer on the other side so we were never far apart. I was a very lucky woman with wonderful memories. Dont give up what you really enjoy so it saves your sanity. Rozelle12


Like you, my late husband also encouraged me in my craft, and I did the same. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned respect. We both enjoyed what we did and that helped a lot. We may have joked about how much we had for our respective crafts, but neither of us begrudged the other any of it. In fact, when we travelled anywhere, if I didn't have my knitting, my husband asked me if I was feeling all right. He enjoyed the fruits of my labour, eg socks and jumpers and scarves.


----------



## agnescr

i think you need to tell him to get a life :thumbdown:


----------



## stillhannah1

If you give in - then it will be something else. Love is not taking but giving. 

He is just dis satisfied with him self and using you as a scape goat..

Don't try to explain or argue with him about you knitting - takes two to ague.

Been married for 48 years my husband use to complain also - I am still doing all of my crafts. 

Good luck


----------



## Itsybitsyknitts

Oh my goodness it sounds like your living with the pool I grew up with.i am so happy that my 6 ft 4 trucking farming husband will sit beside me and watch what I knit.....he is so refreshing.i am hurting inside for you because I know how futile it is to try and explain to someone who feels that way.i hope you find something else to be passionate about.it will cost you money to get rid of your stash unless your next door neighbour wants to share it with you.Good luck my friend


----------



## makeitsew2750

If you give up what you love you are a fool for allowing him to chastise you into his way of thinking and taking away something that is important to you and your well being. If he is that selfish that he doesn't care about you and your feelings then he is a very self centered all about me man. It sounds like he is just a very unhappy person and some of the things you listed were very knit picky (pun) . I think he needs to find a hobby or give some of his free time to an organization so he has less time to fuss over what you do with your time. When my husband retired he took up scroll sawing and stays very busy with it but he also is an enabler for my crafts and loves knowing that I have things that keep me happy and encourages me in my hobbies. Don't give in to his demeaning attitude. If he sees that what he says won't bother you sooner or later he will quit. He starts to fuss go to another room, he will get the idea.


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## k1p1s1psso

what's trolling? Knitting and beer, a good combination, an ideal compromise


----------



## Tessa28

Trolling is going online and leaving comments on forums and news groups(eg Facebook) which are rude, crude, disgusting and totally untrue. Their only aim is to cause distress, upset and embarrassment, the trolls don't care if they hurt someone, lose them their job, destroy their relationships. They are monsters who hide their identities in untraceable emails, fake facebook profiles and twitter accounts. Their actions have caused people to commit suicide, or goaded people to attack Goths etc. one of whom died from the attack. Hope this explains.Tessa28


----------



## Jessica-Jean

k1p1s1psso said:


> what's trolling?


*Good question.* I knew what it meant, but hadn't ever actually looked it up.

Knowing the pre-Internet meanings can help understand where its _current_ online meaning comes from:
/trōl/
*Noun:*
*1.*A mythical, cave-dwelling being depicted in folklore as either a giant or a dwarf, typically having a very ugly appearance.
*2.*The action of trolling for fish.
*Verb:*
Fish by trailing a baited line along behind a boat: "we trolled for mackerel".

Current online meaning: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=trolling

Wow! What a load of baggage for one seemingly innocent little word!!

It's a sad statement on the mental processes of _some_ of our online community. Trolls are active, even here on a 'safe' knitting forum.  A pox upon them!


----------



## taborhills

Instead of a "POX" on anyone, how about PAX be to all?


----------



## Scoot915

taborhills said:


> Instead of a "POX" on anyone, how about PAX be to all?


I dont know what PAX means so I am sticking with a POX lol


----------



## taborhills

PAX is Latin for "peace."


----------



## MarilynKnits

Amen to Pax. Need more of it in the world. Along with more empathy.


----------



## Scoot915

taborhills said:


> PAX is Latin for "peace."


Ok...going with PAX now. thank you


----------



## Martha French

taborhills said:


> Instead of a "POX" on anyone, how about PAX be to all?


Yes, a better quote.


----------



## hersh

getting close to a group hug here


----------



## Jessica-Jean

hersh said:


> getting close to a group hug here


I thought that's what all these pages were in the first place!


----------



## LittleKid

Forgive me. Are you sure after you give up your hobby he won't start complaining about something else you enjoy. You are entittled to have a hobby. Some people need 100% attention and that is not fare. Think twice before you give up something you really enjoy.


----------



## selyasa

I spent 10.5 yrs married to H #1. During that time, my mother came to see me 7 times (she was made to feel unwelcomed). If I wanted to see her, we had to meet somewhere or I had to come to her home. Sewing was my hobby of choice at that time. He said, "If you could hook up a vibrator to that machine, you wouldn't need me." 

I mostly supported us and our young son. I thank the gods he is out of my life for good now, and I am married to a kind, good natured man who enjoys my knitting!

What he is doing to you is a passive form of domestic terrorism (DV). The man in question is trying to control you and won't stop with knitting. Stand your ground or he may find himself at the sharp end of a knitting needle!


----------



## DonnieK

I would be for telling this guy to go take a very short leap from the top of Mt Fugi and take a great big bite of the air he is breathing just for me!! My husband knew his place and it was not in my yarn businesses! I am sorry but even my children know better than to try and have me make a choice. They know what my answer would be! I am going to enjoy what time I have left and everyone best just back away from my yarn!!!!!! I have a gun and it shoots real bullets! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL


----------



## k1p1s1psso

this is getting silly. I don't see how my note could be considered rude, crass or hurtful, neither am I an ugly troglodite, fisher person. a pox on anyone who thinks so.


----------



## taborhills

Silly indeed.


----------



## Mercury

I think this topic has gone far enough. I believe 66 pages is a record. If this person does not get the jist of what we are advising her to do, then I don't think she will be helped by any more pages. I wish her luck and hopes that she will salvage the rest of her life enjoying what she loves to do befor it is too late. He is a selfish person and totally useless in her oife. God Bless her in her decision.


----------



## Martha French

k1p1s1psso said:


> this is getting silly. I don't see how my note could be considered rude, crass or hurtful, neither am I an ugly troglodite, fisher person. a pox on anyone who thinks so.


I do not think you are any of the above. We all express ourselves in different ways. Just as when I said I preferred Pax I did not mean to offend you or decry your words, I was just stating my own individual preference. Your point is just as valid as any other point of view. You are definitely not a troll.

I initially thought that calling someone a troll meant that they were trolling the internet for information. This is what I did when I worked in the library, it was called SDI, Strategic Dissemination of Information, finding information for others. I then checked it out and found I was not correct, it was posting comments on various sites. KP is my only site, apart from a brief visit to Ravelry at times, mainly in search of patterns. I do not visit Twitter or Face Book. I tried Face Book several years ago to see if I could find any old school mates, but the only people I found were my brother, my grandson and several nieces and nephews, sadly no long lost work mates or school mates. I do not bother anymore. I have never tried Twitter.


----------



## taborhills

If we think this site has gone on long enough, we should each just... stop.


----------



## Evie1042

AMEN!!


----------



## hersh

Evie1042 said:


> AMEN!!


 I agree.....put it to rest


----------



## GypsyC1225

i think we are beating a dead horse.... time to find another subject


----------



## seamus

Whatever we are beating here, it isn't the husbands. I think we all forget that once they were babies, and then little boys, but some mothers raise them to think they were born to be doted on. When they get to be men, they still expect the same attention and they think they are extra special human beings. They will never change, ever, sometimes they can realise for themselves that we all are special in our own way, but it is very rare.


----------



## sewquilty

I agree, enough already. Let's move on.


----------



## taborhills

What a hoot! People say, Let's end this -- Enough already! -- Amen! -- Stop! -- Move on! -- and yet and yet --


----------



## Poll

It keeps on keeping on lol


----------



## Jessica-Jean

Anyone who is 'watching' this topic and is tired of seeing it return to their inbox, can stop at anytime. There's a handy button at the top left-hand side of every page of every topic; it's the Unwatch button. Click on it, and you'll never hear from this topic again, even if it gets to be two thousand pages long! Don't kvetch! *Un*watch already!


----------



## seamus

If you are bored with this subject, please read Jessica Jean's cure above. Personally, I am not tired of hearing problems, and whether they can, or cannot be solved. I have seen the result of mothers who are unable to see what they are doing to their sons. You can't change anything, it is impossible to do so where the results of this upbringing are concerned. Moving on is the only answer. My husband, who is now deceased, was an absolute joy, and I was so fortunate, although I would quickly have recognized the above signs if they had been present.


----------



## kittysgram

lucky hes not by me either. tell him to get a hobby or something. MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## GypsyC1225

I am absolutely the most fortunate person in the world. I have a wonderful, awesome husband. We sit here in front of the television, him with his chess (internet) games, and me with my knitting. He takes such joy in buying me a new toy to add to my crafting hobby. Today he surprised me with some of the square knitting needles. (like I need some more knitting needles) I am going to try them as soon as I finish the three projects I am working on. God was exceptionally good to me when he allowed Ed and my paths to cross.


----------



## Blueathlone

Jessica-Jean said:


> Anyone who is 'watching' this topic and is tired of seeing it return to their inbox, can stop at anytime. There's a handy button at the top left-hand side of every page of every topic; it's the Unwatch button. Click on it, and you'll never hear from this topic again, even if it gets to be two thousand pages long! Don't kvetch! *Un*watch already!


Amen...we all have choices...if you wish...sign off.


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## selyasa

I don't mind listening to peoples' stories - we all have tales to tell. I agree with Jessica Jean and the "Unwatch" button. Thanks, JJ for pointing it out. 

I still need to learn all the ins and outs of KP. How do I sign up for a workshop? I thought I did, but I am not sure it signed me up.


----------



## Jessica-Jean

selyasa said:


> I don't mind listening to peoples' stories - we all have tales to tell. I agree with Jessica Jean and the "Unwatch" button. Thanks, JJ for pointing it out.
> 
> I still need to learn all the ins and outs of KP. *How do I sign up for a workshop? I thought I did, but I am not sure it signed me up.*


It's that same button! As long as you clicked on 'Watch' and until you click on Unwatch, you will receive messages from the workshop. To _find_ them, you'll need to go to HOME and look for Knitting And Crochet Workshops With Designer1234. If you're not yet subscribed to it, then click on All Sections on the HOME page, and subscribe to it. 
Enjoy!


----------



## Jessica-Jean

At the bottom of today's , there is this Thought for Today: "To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize. -Voltaire, philosopher (1694-1778)"


----------



## mavisb

I am really sorry that you are married to a man who has no idea. Pleas do not give up your hobby for him. My friend is married to a control freak. He dictates what she can spend her pension on and what she can't. She couldn't come to meet me for a cup of coffee. I invited her to my house for a make and take cardmaking lesson, he wouldn't let her come. He even demanded that she make him and buy him a father day's card and present. I told her that he was not her father and therefore did not get a present from her, but she did what he wanted, albeit he complained that she spent money on his present. Sorry sounds like you have a control freak on your hands.

Just tell him that he married you for who you were and he cannot possibly change you or try to change you. Please don't let it happen.


----------



## selyasa

Thank you, Mavis. We have Blue Ridge Mountains in eastern US, in the region called Appalachia. They have wonderful mountain music. It's also called Blue Grass music. Give it a listen on you tube sometime. 
Angi

this one is my favorite!











here is a funny one the ultimate dog tease


----------



## Lillyhooch

peachy51 said:


> Hmmm ... haven't read all the replies ... BUT if it were me? I would toss the husband the keep the knitting! :mrgreen:


Absolutely agree. Choice between hobby or hubby? In this case go for the hobby!!


----------



## loisdenise

I am sure you did not mean to blame their mothers. When my daughter was dating her former-paycho-boyfriend I noticed the pattern in the family was that the father was somewhat domineering. Generally a good man though. The f.ps.b on the other hand was evil. I don't think that either parent was the sole cause of his behavior. 


seamus said:


> Whatever we are beating here, it isn't the husbands. I think we all forget that once they were babies, and then little boys, but some mothers raise them to think they were born to be doted on. When they get to be men, they still expect the same attention and they think they are extra special human beings. They will never change, ever, sometimes they can realise for themselves that we all are special in our own way, but it is very rare.


----------



## Lannie

I'm sad for you. don't give it up. Knitting belongs to u, not anyone else.


----------



## DenzelsMa

If a man is that selfish and self-centred he's not worth having. If you sacrifice your enjoyment of knitting you can bet he'll find something else to criticise. That kind will never be satisfied. Never mind the 'sit him down, hold his hand and talk to him' stuff. Be selfish for a change and think of yourself and your life.
Best love, Di


----------



## 77299

You are entitled to your time, especially when you work and earn that kind of money. Your relatively new husband needs to acknowledge that. You could be out after work with "the girls" having cocktails or you could be up to no good. He should be happy that you have something that you enjoy and can still talk to him at the same time. Life is too short, be happy!


----------



## 77299

...... and you say "the DEATH of a knitter"?? That speaks volumns!!!!


----------



## missmack

I am so sorry for your predicament. Can I buy some of your yarn? I use knitting/crochet to keep from eating, losing my mind also. Have a slightly similar situation, am on SS retired about 7 years ago and do a lot of yarn items for animal rescue to sell for funds to take care of so many animals. if yes, can you send some particulars and I will respond with address and e-mail. missmack


----------



## hersh

Somebody here needs help here...big time.......run don't walk. You are not in a safe place. physically , mentally emotionally.


----------



## Babsmim

Where are you Yover8? Do you still visit here?


----------



## Patforster

Not going to read thru all 68 pages, but I would find a hobby that would REALLY annoy him. Bet he would be happy to have you knitting again.


----------



## Blueathlone

Babsmim said:


> Where are you Yover8? Do you still visit here?


Good question. Are you still knitting?


----------



## ChrisB

My "other half" complains too,(to put it mildly) but he sure doesn't complain when he gets compliments on his hand knit sweaters, at least he wears them. Remind himself that at least your hobby productive, my other half plays Monopoly and Cribbage on the computer all day, some waste of time. Maybe you could help him find a hobby, or at least help him find something to do. I think they b---h because they're bored and jealous that we have an absorbing, productive hobby and they don't.  Hang in there, eventually they just give up and get used to it, at least the several men I've had in my life over the last 45 years did, Good Luck!


----------



## Colour wheel

Life is too short to waste it on a man like him. Pack your stuff and move on.


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## luvrcats

There is a LOT that could be said to do...and I can't understand what is wrong with HIM!! Jealous, I would say because he isn't able to do anything for himself and it is just easier to complain. How can you put up with such a selfish and self-centered husband is beyond me! Do NOT give up your wonderful hobby for him. Tell him to get a life. I am SO fortunate....I do a lot of knitting and my husband doesn't care when or where I do! In the evening, I usually give him the remote (we don't necessarily enjoy the same type of shows, except for Doc Martin), and it isn't necessary for us to talk a lot--we just enjoy being with one another and grateful for each other. We also each enjoy what we call "me" time--he goes to the boat ramp and breathes in the fresh air....walks....or just has his time looking at the water!! Me, I go thrift shopping, knit, and whatever. Most of the time, we enjoy doing things together--in fact, with weather so pleasant this afternoon, a wonderful and refreshing on our beautiful Greenway by the river Your husband needs help....and soon! Good luck, keep us informed.


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## luvrcats

There is a LOT that could be said to do...and I can't understand what is wrong with HIM!! Jealous, I would say because he isn't able to do anything for himself and it is just easier to complain. How can you put up with such a selfish and self-centered husband is beyond me! Do NOT give up your wonderful hobby for him. Tell him to get a life. I am SO fortunate....I do a lot of knitting and my husband doesn't care when or where I do! In the evening, I usually give him the remote (we don't necessarily enjoy the same type of shows, except for Doc Martin), and it isn't necessary for us to talk a lot--we just enjoy being with one another and grateful for each other. We also each enjoy what we call "me" time--he goes to the boat ramp and breathes in the fresh air....walks....or just has his time looking at the water!! Me, I go thrift shopping, knit, and whatever. Most of the time, we enjoy doing things together--in fact, with weather so pleasant this afternoon, a wonderful and refreshing on our beautiful Greenway by the river Your husband needs help....and soon! Good luck, keep us informed. Knitting is my way of relaxing--don't think you have this luxury--and you DESERVE it!


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## puttle

Like Dr. Phil says, "We teach people how to treat us."


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## mavisb

I see 68 pages have been written on your blog. I hope everything is sorted out. I don't think he should try to change who you are. My son's partner is trying to change him and I have told her that she wanted him the way he was and she has no right to change him. She won't change so why should he. The same in your relationship he loved you who and what you were and you should not change and your knitting is part of you. Speak to him and get him to be a bit more reasonable.


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## greythounds

Is he gainfully employed or living off you? Is he totally disabled? If not he needs to get out of the house. He needs to find out why he is bullying you. Was he like this before marriage? Control bullies are afraid and very manipulating. The way you describe his demands when you are out and the isolation he has imposed on you is a bright red flag. Do not give up your knitting permanently. If you need to get the knitting supplies out of the house have a friend store them for you. He just may destroy them. Perhaps give it up for a week and see what other way he finds to bully you, because he surely will. He won't stop until he gets some therapy. 
There are some wonderful books in the library that will help you figure out how to not put up with this. And an important thing is have a confidant. A person who will help you if this escalates to a higher level. Have a secret code word that you can use when you call her that alerts her that you feel threatened. If you are a church goer talk to your pastor if he is not a "wives submit to your husband" kind of guy. Don't let the pastor bully you either. If he does ask him if he thinks Jesus would treat his wife like that if he had a wife?

We here at KP are concerned about you. Keep in touch. We wish you the best.


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## Tessa28

I have a wonderful person in my house who encourages me to knit, embroider and sew. No its not my husband its my son, I got rid of the husband, (workaholic, lying, cheating, rat) years ago and I have never been happier. He moved us away from family and friends and then went off to work and forgot we existed for days. Do not give up your knitting, its therapy, exercise, calming and productive and enjoyable. And remember it will still be there, waiting, not criticising, soft and capable of being turned into beautiful items you say your family love and remember you were a knitter when you met him. Stand strong and knit on or knit him a gag. This is a difficult time for you but don't give in, my thoughts are with you. Tessa28


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## litprincesstwo

Stand Strong! You are entitled to enjoy "your" life just as he is entitled to enjoy living. You can train him to be accepting of your hobby or just choose to have selective hearing.


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## Ann DeGray

This thread was started October 31, 2012.

Have we ever heard the outcome?

I think the OP should tell us.


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## jbandsma

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


While your stash will be easy to get rid of, I think getting rid of the real problem would be more satisfying.


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## Linday

I would give up the husband before I gave up knitting. He sounds very selfish to me.


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## alpaca Issy

No no no do not give up!! Why make yourself miserable because of him - your knitting means so much to you and others that have benefitted from your skill! He is jealous!!!!!


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## loisdenise

I did a little sluething and yover8 is still posting on KP, so I sent her the following PM:

Dear Yover8, You may not have noticed that there are 69 pages of comments about your husband not wanting you to knit. That is hundreds of posts from a lot of people that care about you, and care that you not be bullied into giving up knitting. I am so glad to see that you are still on KP, and I assume still knitting. It would mean a lot to your friends if you were to let us know how you handled the situation. 
thanks loisd



Ann DeGray said:


> This thread was started October 31, 2012.
> 
> Have we ever heard the outcome?
> 
> I think the OP should tell us.


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## Ann DeGray

loisdenise said:


> I did a little sluething and yover8 is still posting on KP, so I sent her the following PM:
> 
> Dear Yover8, You may not have noticed that there are 69 pages of comments about your husband not wanting you to knit. That is hundreds of posts from a lot of people that care about you, and care that you not be bullied into giving up knitting. I am so glad to see that you are still on KP, and I assume still knitting. It would mean a lot to your friends if you were to let us know how you handled the situation.
> thanks loisd


I sent her one, too! I think she's doing okay, I don't know that she will send a post to the open forum but I know she's grateful to all who shared their concerns for her situation. She seems like a lovely person so we should simply continue to wish her the best, I think.


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## GrumpyGramma

Ann DeGray said:


> This thread was started October 31, 2012.
> 
> Have we ever heard the outcome?
> 
> I think the OP should tell us.


I was wondering about her and checked to see that she's been posting. Leaving something like this hanging isn't good. A lot of people want to know she's OK. I thought about a PM but didn't do it. My guess is she's wearing dark glasses and only ever long sleeves to hide bruises, maybe has been to the ER a time or two since the original post.

OR it was all made up to start with.


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## DawnieStrohl

I've been down this road and also gave in because it was easier. I now have more peace while do what I want. I don't know if you go to church but I made myself go even on the days I didn't want to get out of bed. God led me to the most spectacular church ever! THEY LOVE ME AS I AM! They listen to me and they cry with me. I've made new friends and guess what we have craft nights! I've had some pretty low momments such as also losing my job but I'm ok because God made this happen so I can pursue my dream of making yarn and selling items. I should have been terrified but I wasn't. I told my pastor that I was worried and he had a serious look on his face and said about what? I replied about not being worried! He laughed and said that God has given you peace and he has big plans for you! My significant other has accepted the fact and we are better for it.


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## JTM

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


Do NOT quit knitting. He is a selfish person, and I am so sorry that he is also trying to control your life. 
It it really worth giving up something you love? 
Makes me wonder if the marriage is worth it. Anyone who is that controlling may well be considered abusive. If you let him have his way...it may lead to even more control on his part. Be careful.


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## kayrein

Get rid of the bum! He has nothing to complain about.

Or, stuff a (cheap) skein of yarn in his mouth to shut him up :thumbup:


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## yover8

To the Dear 1033 KPers who have replied to this post, and for the 49,850 people who have read it;

I am completely awed and overwhelmed that this thread is still being read, and comments posted. I had no idea until Ann PM'd me a few days ago.
The overwhelming support, prayers and kindness have left me speechless.And really bolstered me at another vulnerable time. 

I gave the man another chance. Did the counseling thing. Left my great job in a fun city to live in the middle of nowhere without meaningful work. ( or income) HE has his dream job. Shuttled the kids on a 70 mile round trip to school each day. 

I have always kept on knitting - It was my release. I just go wherever he is not, with a reasonable end time each evening. I post many of my finished projects on KP.

Thank you, Scottishlass, I read and save your inspirational topics regularly . KP has been a daily source of comfort and stabilization for me. 

Let's just say he has screwed up enough times in major places that it is time to give up and let go. I don't want to be a soap opera and list all the sins - some more unbelievable than the soaps - at least on a soap opera you get a great wardrobe and makeup!

I am in the process of packing up and going home. 

I am keeping my precious knitting tools, and will sell off some of the stash. It is a long move. "home" is where I grew up, where my siblings live, where I have roots. I have rekindled my sisters' interest in knitting, so a knitting circle is waiting for me. 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for your love, support, prayers, advice, and kind comforting words. May you all be as equally blessed.

With love, yover8


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## Jaybee1107

Good luck, safe travels and please let us know when you can that you have arrived safely.


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## Tessa28

Take care of yourself and a safe journey home to your family. I will be thinking of you, Tessa28 xx


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## Finnsbride

Not that you asked but I'd be inclined to keep the yarn and rethink the H (no D).


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## JTM

yover8 said:


> To the Dear 1033 KPers who have replied to this post, and for the 49,850 people who have read it;
> 
> I am completely awed and overwhelmed that this thread is still being read, and comments posted. I had no idea until Ann PM'd me a few days ago.
> The overwhelming support, prayers and kindness have left me speechless.And really bolstered me at another vulnerable time.
> 
> I gave the man another chance. Did the counseling thing. Left my great job in a fun city to live in the middle of nowhere without meaningful work. ( or income) HE has his dream job. Shuttled the kids on a 70 mile round trip to school each day.
> 
> I have always kept on knitting - It was my release. I just go wherever he is not, with a reasonable end time each evening. I post many of my finished projects on KP.
> 
> Thank you, Scottishlass, I read and save your inspirational topics regularly . KP has been a daily source of comfort and stabilization for me.
> 
> Let's just say he has screwed up enough times in major places that it is time to give up and let go. I don't want to be a soap opera and list all the sins - some more unbelievable than the soaps - at least on a soap opera you get a great wardrobe and makeup!
> 
> I am in the process of packing up and going home.
> 
> I am keeping my precious knitting tools, and will sell off some of the stash. It is a long move. "home" is where I grew up, where my siblings live, where I have roots. I have rekindled my sisters' interest in knitting, so a knitting circle is waiting for me.
> 
> From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for your love, support, prayers, advice, and kind comforting words. May you all be as equally blessed.
> 
> With love, yover8


I am both sad for you ... and very happy that you have decided to take good care of yourself. However, sad that you have had to go through such turmoil. 
God bless you, and keep you.


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## brain56

Jaybee1107 said:


> Good luck, safe travels and please let us know when you can that you have arrived safely.


This!
We care, encourage your "new" life; and await news of your progress.


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## Dsynr

Good thoughts & prayers from all of us for you.


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## mavisb

Good luck Yover8, may God bless you and keep you forever. I am glad that you are still knitting and you are going to join up with your sisters. Luv Mavis


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## farmkiti

To yover8: I am sorry your marriage took a turn for the worse but happy for you that you made a decision that demonstrates your own personal power (and not the power of someone else's control). I wish you all the best and hope you become very happy in your new life. :thumbup:


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## STITCH124

He is the one with the problem, tell him to get over it or get out. You seem like an intelligent person or wouldn't be able to make such a comfortable living. Sounds like he just can't grow up and be a man. He's insecure and dumping his insecurities on you.

Stand up for yourself and inform the man-boy that you are never going to give up something that gives you so much joy and satisfaction. He on the other hand, is giving you more stress and bullying that anyone should ever have to live with. 

He needs to man-up or move out!


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## Gail DSouza

So glad you made the decision to move out!!
It's not worth the time and effort if you are made to feel worthless and discouraged from having hobbies!!
Wishing you all the best in your new life
God Bless!


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## jojo111

yover8, I've been catching up on my KP reading, and I just discovered your original post and the staggering amount of replies. I just want to join in and send my very best wishes to you as you continue down a new path.
Happy and Peaceful Knitting to You! --jo p.s. glad you are on KP!


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## krestiekrew

Jessica-Jean said:


> No. Do not raise the white flag! If you can't or won't ditch the heartless man, then just tell him it's cheaper than psychotherapy ... and that maybe _he_ should begin seeing a shrink!
> I sympathise with you, but really do not think that you should throw in the towel. You are being bullied, as much as a 16-year-old girl who lets some brainless hunk dictate to her what clothes she wears, where she goes, who she sees. However, you are more experienced that any teenager. You *are* _able_ to stand up for yourself. Please, do so.


Ok, (red faced right now) glad you are getting out in one piece and with your knitting goodies. Pack the stash and take it, or it probably would ship for a reasonable amount, those vacume bags are wonderful for shrinking things down that are 'fluffy'. Please let us know how your move goes, and be safe. (I'll just leave the original part of my post someone may get some incentive from it)
Do not give up or give in! You said relatively new...sounds like you make enough to send him out the door. If you give into this, there will be more things he will try to make you leave /stop doing. Eventually, he will try to isolate you from friends and family. Cut him off at the pass now, stand your ground or get rid of him...read up, this is how many abusers begin. Be very aware of everything, I don't say this to alarm you but many women have gotten into abusive relationships one step at a time, this demanding/belittling of your knitting hobby being a first step. Not saying your DH is an abuser but this is the way they start, by controlling a small thing, then on to larger control issues. 
Go to this link, read up on it
https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/the-aspire-news-app/


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## Bombshellknits

I stumbled across your first post, and then jumped to the last page. The last thing I am going to do is bash your husband. It appears that you are moving on without him, and I think that is probably a good choice. I don't think knitting was ever the issue with this man. He was probably very insecure,so he had to try to control you. He must be a very sad person. I am sure you will find much joy in your future, and I am happy for you and impressed with your courage.


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## betty boivin

You should not give up what you enjoy doing! Tell him to get a hobby!


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## Dsynr

Yellow Pages: divorce lawyer is under "D"
He can't control his own self, what makes him think he should control U? Bummer! :roll: :thumbdown: 

Thank you, God for my Big Guy!


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## scumbugusa

My first thought was that he's jealous. then that he's a control freak, then how miserable he must be not having a hobby.

Please don't stop knitting, because he will still find something else to whine about.


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## meems

yover8 said:


> White Flag. The husband - at this point not DH - has voiced enough complaints, criticisms, attacks and disdain that I am ready to admit defeat. These are my crimes:
> 
> 1. the knitting needles are too loud and he can't concentrate ( I use wood or bamboo needles)
> 2. Knitting in public (long flights) is embarrassing
> 3. Knitting in front of company (relatives who forget to speak English in my presence) is rude
> 4. There is too much clutter ( 3 project bags)
> 5. Knitting is a mindless waste of time - much like video games (let's talk about adapting a worsted pattern to fingering in a size not listed)
> 6. I spend too much time looking at yarn and patterns on the Internet (KP - that's you)
> 7. I have too many patterns (1 file folder)
> 8. I have too much yarn (ok, maybe 100 skeins stash - all with large projects attached)
> 9. I spend too much on yarn ( I work full time, earn more than $80,000/year, and buy ONE project per paycheck for at least 50% off. Most of my stash is 75 - 80% off)
> 10. I have time for a "hobby" and he does not
> 11. People don't like what I make anyway (just him- after 3 sweaters that he won't wear. The kids and grandkids love the stuff. So does his mom)
> 12. I am unavailable (he thinks I cannot talk and knit at the same time) while I knit ( maybe 1 hour an evening, after working, cooking, cleaning and homework)
> 
> The serenity I gain from Knitting is not worth the havoc from the (relatively new) spouse.
> 
> So there are 100 skeins of luscious, soft, delectable yarn that need someone to love them. There is a family of Surina wood, and Addi circulars that long to be cherished. And a treasure chest of paid-for patterns. And one old and defeated knitter, who is raising the white flag. Let us be buried together.


I honestly think he sounds insecure. Do you make more than he does? It really shouldn't matter if you do or don't. But to some men it does. Is this a new complaint or the same old same old? Have you expressed how much the knitting means to you? How much it helps your sanity? Why not leave the room he is in if the sound bothers him. If he truly desires your company he will come around.
On the other hand, have you asked yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life? He sounds controlling and sorry, he doesn't sound very nice.
You deserve more than this from him. And also if he is like this with knitting, what about everything else that comes up? Is he the only one who gets an opinion or choice?
That being said, I am not a shy gal. I would have it out and find out the real problem! Maybe he's just an unhappy kind of guy and your serenity annoys him? And maybe I'm not a psychiatrist and should shut up?? But you sound so unhappy and it is really asking very little of him.


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## meems

meems said:


> I honestly think he sounds insecure. Do you make more than he does? It really shouldn't matter if you do or don't. But to some men it does. Is this a new complaint or the same old same old? Have you expressed how much the knitting means to you? How much it helps your sanity? Why not leave the room he is in if the sound bothers him. If he truly desires your company he will come around.
> On the other hand, have you asked yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life? He sounds controlling and sorry, he doesn't sound very nice.
> You deserve more than this from him. And also if he is like this with knitting, what about everything else that comes up? Is he the only one who gets an opinion or choice?
> That being said, I am not a shy gal. I would have it out and find out the real problem! Maybe he's just an unhappy kind of guy and your serenity annoys him? And maybe I'm not a psychiatrist and should shut up?? But you sound so unhappy and it is really asking very little of him.


wow 71 pages of comments. Didn't see that when I replied. I was so mad I just took off writing. You are well loved and bolstered here on kp. I'd like to say I am sorry for the divorce, but I'm really not. The more I thought about it the more I thought what a selfish guy he is. Too bad, it cost him the love of a great woman. Hang in there, better times are ahead.


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## SouthernGirl

Do not give up. He will learn to adjust. Besides we need you here on KP. I always enjoy your topics. And this one is 71 pages.


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## reborn knitter

Oh my! Too many pages to read so I know everything has already been said. Prayers for your situation.


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## MASHEPP

You can do this. I divorced after 25 years of marriage and even though starting over at retirement age has been tough it's the best thing I have ever done. Now I can knit in peace in a quiet clean house not having to wait on someone and be at their beck and call. Be strong, girl, and carry on.


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## judi wess

There seems to be a problem Houston. I have learned after two unfortunate choices for husbands, not to modify what I want because of them. With my present husband what I want matters to him. He is a keeper. The next time your husband complains about your knitting say "bite me".


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## yover8

judi wess said:


> There seems to be a problem Houston. I have learned after two unfortunate choices for husbands, not to modify what I want because of them. With my present husband what I want matters to him. He is a keeper. The next time your husband complains about your knitting say "bite me".


I did better than that.

I divorced him


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## knitteerli

I think you need to have him counselled, and if that fails, you need to ditch him. If you ditch knitting, what will be his next bitch to deprive you of the things and people you love? 

I can imagine a murder scenario involving knitting needs and/or yarn. Or you could just knit him some blinkers and ear muffs. Or take up a really obnoxious hobby. 

If you do decide to quit because of this creep, make sure all his family know why. Perhaps, though, he has controlled all their thoughts and actions, too.

Beware, though, narcissistic control freaks can be very vindictive, too, when their sense of entitlement is challenged.

I'd run as far away as I could, with my yarn stash, if possible.

Oops, just realised that you already had escaped. Good luck to you in your new free life, and remember, there are plenty of good guys, too, you just have to be selective.


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