# weird question...but need to know



## pjmcd (Feb 19, 2012)

My 77 yr. old mother is wanting my sister and I to have all her funeral arrangements done, while she is still in sound mind, this is freaking me out, also, I'm to knit the blanket to go over her before burial, I have no clue as to pattern or size, I have done search, and have found nothing pertaining to this, if someone could give me suggestions, would really appreciate it.


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## knitterlin (May 31, 2012)

I can't help with the burial blanket, but I encourage you to be grateful that your mother is willing to talk about her wishes. When the time comes, you will be happy you are able to fulfill her desires. Also, the less you need to deal with when you are in shock and mourning, the better it will be for you.


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## jobailey (Dec 22, 2011)

Check with the funeral home you're going to use. Since you only see the person from the torso up it would not need to be very long.

Good luck with all that!


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## clmobry (Jun 16, 2013)

how about a prayer shawl in length that works? Prayers are appropriate for the last message? Choose her favorite colors (maybe even involve her in the choice?). What an honor. Don't think burial... think final hug, swadling


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## kiwiannie (Jul 30, 2011)

I would have thought a cot blanket would be about the right size.


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## rainie (Jan 12, 2013)

Coffin afghan: no larger than a lapghan. I don't think her wanting to plan now while she is of sound mind at all strange. My mother let all of us know what she wanted and that's what we are doing right now. Go to the funeral home of her choice and pick out the casket or urn of her choice and make arrangements for a plot. Buy it all now with burial insurance. That's what I did for my MIL. Worked out very well, no panic buying while you are in no mood to handle stuff while handling grief too.


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## craftyladyvalerie (Mar 1, 2014)

My Mum made all her own arrangements for her funeral (and paid for it) several years ago, because she didn't wany any of us to worry about it. She passed away this year at the aage of 93 and although my sisters and I were obviously really sad at her passing, we were all happy that she had the service/funeral that she wanted.

Your Mum is very wise to ask you to do this, and believe me, it will be a great relief and comfort to you.

Valerie


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## Teriwm (Jun 18, 2012)

My parents are in their mid 80's and have had their funeral plans done and paid for for over 20 years.
Your mom's just being practical.
My grandmother died suddenly with no warning at 62. My mother and grandfather suddenly had to make dozens of decisions while in a state of shock, your mom is trying to save you from that.


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## grandmann (Feb 4, 2011)

I think you should ask her what pattern she wants....

My Mother planned her whole funeral back in the 80's including what songs to be sang at the funeral. In the early 80's it was unheard of having a Catholic Wake at the Church at night, it always was in the morning for the Mass. My Mother wanted to go to the funeral home to the Church all in one day. She had a night Funeral Mass. The priest wasn't going to do it "never heard of such a thing" My Dad said whatever she wants she will get these are her dying wishes. You won't believe how many people thank us for doing it this way. My Mother was young when she died, a lot of her friends won't been able to take off from work to attend the Funeral Mass but since it was at night they could. My Mother made it easy on the family because the next day the immediate family gather at her grave site. 

Listen to your Mother


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## pjmcd (Feb 19, 2012)

We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


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## Revan (Jun 29, 2011)

So true. :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## Revan (Jun 29, 2011)

Your question is not weird. How about knitting a pattern she likes and the color she likes if you are up to knitting an afghan knowing what it will be used for. It may help with closure when the times comes, knowing you made the "blanket" she wanted.


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## Helen Hawkins (Jul 1, 2011)

I know it is not something we like to discuss with loved ones, but it is what your Mum wants to do.
My Mum passed away last October and it made it easy on the family when we were grieving, mum had paid the funeral parlor, chosen her coffin, said she wanted a private funeral, what songs she wanted. What she was to be dressed in. Had also paid for her place in the brick wall for her ashes. She wore a pretty pink twinset I knitted for her. Also told us she did not want an open coffin. My Dad is still alive and very healthy 93 year old. He has arranged all the same things for when it is his time. 
I must admit I have told my daughter I do not want an open coffin, what songs I want played, want my ashes scattered somewhere nice but not over water as I can't swim.
Try to just talk to your Mum as it is important to her, she would probably be thinking that it will make things easier for the family if you know what she would really like.
helen


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## jmcret05 (Oct 24, 2011)

This info may help.
The average length of a casket is 84 inches; width 28 inches, and height 23 inches. Perhaps a feather and fan in her favorite color, 2/3 of the length, (58-60 in.), twice the width, (56 in.). So, basically larger than a lap blanket and almost square.

I agree that it is a hard subject. Why not make her a pretty lap robe now and let her know if she wants, she can keep it until needed, or use it while she is here.

Or, make her a nice shawl and tell her you will include that in her arrangements. 

If you want to lighten the subject, tell her you had planned to leave the same way you arrived --nekkid!


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## Peggy Beryl (Jun 4, 2012)

At 83 I have discussed my final arrangements with my family and all my wishes are written and all payments made. It's nothing to freak about; this is a normal part of life and it is wise to take care of it before a final illness takes it out of the hands of the family. 

I've had a few visits to the hospital ER in recent months, and each time I have been asked about my final wishes for care. If your mother has not yet filled out a Medical Directive for Health Care, she should do that also and have it on file with the family and with any medical facilities she is likely to visit. My doctor gave me a special green form to fill out and place on my refrigerator door under a magnet; this is a place first responders know to look for such information should a call be made to 911. It prevents taking heroic methods of prolonging life if the individual does not wish such efforts to be made.

Have your mother pick out the dress she would like to wear for her celebration of life and choose colors of anything you make to coordinate with her choice.

I have not heard of using a blanket for services; but, if that is what your mother wants, it is a project that you can lovingly prepare for her. If she is the one who brought up the subject, perhaps she has further thoughts about a pattern and a desired color.


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## rainie (Jan 12, 2013)

pjmcd said:


> We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


I think that sounds lovely. It has meaning. Start another tradition.


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## Quiltermouse (Jun 11, 2013)

rainie said:


> I think that sounds lovely. It has meaning. Start another tradition.


 :thumbup: :thumbup:


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## In Memory of Scottybear (Sep 20, 2011)

pjmcd said:


> We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


I don't think its strange not to have a spray or wreath. I just had one red rose on my DHs coffin as that is all he wanted. If that is what your Mum wants go ahead and have it that way.


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## Dutchie1946 (Jun 19, 2012)

pjmcd said:


> We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


The question isn't about maintaining artificial 'traditions'; it's about honouring your parent. It's her body that will be in the coffin. It should be decorated as _she_ wishes, not however the floral industry dictates.

My parents had stated where they were to be buried. 
My father had bought a plot in the town were he lived with my stepmother and raised my two half-sisters. His only other preparation was to state that he did not want to be buried next to his mother-in-law, who was in one section of the plot. Done, but _only_ after the funeral director squeezed far too much money out of my stepmother. She was the perfect 'mark'; she'd never handled money in her entire life. Her mother and her husband were the ones who managed all income/outflow. Too bad my father - age 70 and of sound mind - didn't consider just how hopelessly lost she would be without him.

My mother wanted to wring every cent out of her time in the US Army, so she opted to be buried in a military cemetery. She had also said - for many years - that she wanted to be buried in a "plain pine box" and in her Army uniform. 
The choice of coffin did _not_ go over well with the funeral home director! When he said it couldn't be done, we countered by telling him that with NYC's Hassidic population (and their religious rules for such a wooden coffin), it was highly improbable that there weren't any such coffins available. He got one; it didn't cost anything near the cheapest he'd offered us. 
The uniform ... she never did tell us where it was. We emptied all her closets in our search for it to no avail. She was buried - closed coffin (her request) - in a decades old, flowery orange/fuschia pantsuit (price-tag still attached) with matching undies, shoes, and socks. 
It was only when my stepfather was sent to a nursing home that her uniform turned up ... stowed neatly in _his_ nearly empty closet next to his uniform.

Follow your mother's wishes. When she's gone, you'll wish you had.


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## litprincesstwo (Nov 11, 2012)

I think it's wonderfll that your mom has asked you to make a blanket for her coffin. She must love your knitting skills. Please just honor her requests and don't worry about will it look right etc. It's what you mom wants and that makes it right! Blessings!


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## deshka (Apr 6, 2011)

try not to be so freaked out, none of us get out of life alive. It's a fact and she's being realistic about it as far as I can see. I think the afghan should be about 3 feet square, not sure since I have not made one.


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## hannabavaria (Sep 25, 2011)

knitterlin said:


> I can't help with the burial blanket, but I encourage you to be grateful that your mother is willing to talk about her wishes. When the time comes, you will be happy you are able to fulfill her desires. Also, the less you need to deal with when you are in shock and mourning, the better it will be for you.


 :thumbup:


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## Montana Gramma (Dec 19, 2012)

My Mum is 95. She has had her outfit hanging in the closet for a long time. She has also made a Lily of the Valley tiny bouquet for each family member and some special younger friends. Silk of course because if it is winter where in the world in in Saskatchewan would we find fresh Lilys and she would not be happy with us spending the $ it would cost to have them flown in. A graveside service as we had for Dad. She has a couple personal things to go with her but no fuss must be made, period, are we listening! LOL!!! We have all read her will, know her final wishes for all and no one will want a thing changed. As good of a Mum as she has been to us we will all bend over backwards to meet her wishes. When she gives something away it is prefaced with , " I am checking out, I would like you to have this now". This has been going on for 15 years and is a standing joke to us all!
When Dads stone was placed so was Mums, they will only have to come and engrave the final date. This is all so very much appreciated. Our sister died 15 days after Dad and our brother a couple years later and then 4 nephews in those same two years. Only Dads was prepared, the stress level for all others was unbelievable, some in different countries, no wishes known etc. Our kids know what we want.


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## Gaildh (Jan 15, 2015)

Your Mom is wise go with it! My Mom and I did this so when the time came everything was taken care of with only a few minor decisions.

Who says you have to have a spray save that cost. Nothing is written in stone.


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## bane (Nov 27, 2012)

knitterlin said:


> I can't help with the burial blanket, but I encourage you to be grateful that your mother is willing to talk about her wishes. When the time comes, you will be happy you are able to fulfill her desires. Also, the less you need to deal with when you are in shock and mourning, the better it will be for you.


 :thumbup:


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## charbaby (Mar 24, 2013)

We had to plan my Dad's while he was dying from colon cancer. Mom died unexpectedly in December of 2013, right before Christmas. She had no arrangements made. It was so hard to know what to do, to make those decisions in the midst of pain & grief. Your Mom is very wise. And a blanket for her final rest is beautiful. I wish I had time to do that for my Mom.


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## cherylthompson (Feb 18, 2013)

knitterlin said:


> I can't help with the burial blanket, but I encourage you to be grateful that your mother is willing to talk about her wishes. When the time comes, you will be happy you are able to fulfill her desires. Also, the less you need to deal with when you are in shock and mourning, the better it will be for you.


I agree. It will make it so much easier when the time comes and she will have things the way she would like them.


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## Nanknit (Mar 2, 2013)

I applaud your Mum for wanting to let her family know of her wishes with regard to her funeral. My Mum, who, at age 90 passed away in November of last year, dictated her wishes to my son. She did this 7 months before her passing and it made it so much easier for her family to arrange the funeral she wanted. I was told by the Funeral Director that any flowers that are on the casket when it goes to the crematorium will just be thrown into the 'green' bin for composting. We went for a large bunch of mixed colorful flowers that were then brought back to the funeral home and divided into 4 big bunches. We three kids had a bunch each to take home and one bunch went to the nursing home where Mum lived out the last 5 1/2 months of her life. I know that Mum's forward planning made it so much easier for us at such an emotional time. Big {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} to all of you, it is a hard topic but so well worth it........listen to your Mum, she deserves to have the funeral that she wants.


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## NanaMc (Sep 22, 2014)

I went to a friends mother funeral last year and she had her mothers quilt on the coffin. Her mother had made the quilt several years ago. I thought that was beautiful.


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## Hudson (Mar 3, 2011)

Hard subject I know.

I buried my Mom with the lap blanket I made her that she loved so much. It was kelly green, just something to brighten her room. Because she was buried in a red suit (private joke), the blanket was put toward her feet so mourners didn't think 'Christmas'. Not visible to others, the family knew it was there.


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## whataknitwit (May 1, 2011)

When my husband died I just had 3 red rosebuds on his coffin, one each for my sons and myself, I brought them back from the crem, dried them and put them in a little glass jar with a lid, they have sat on my mantlepiece for nearly 26 years. There were no other flowers, he always felt it was such a waste, those who wished made a donation to charity instead. When my father died we had no flowers at all, he was a man who hated fuss so that was what he wanted, to see his coffin unadorned was just right for him.


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## purdeygirl (Aug 11, 2013)

Bravo to your mother !!! I am in my early 60's and my family already know I want a wicker coffin with my Dreambird placed over it and no flowers. (I am perfectly well). 

Your mother is saluting your knitting passion with this honourable request. She will be covered with love.


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## jdwilhelm (Dec 6, 2011)

Good to plan ahead....we should all do. Make the blanket in a color she loves and in a pattern she likes. Make it now so she can see it and know it is done...peace of mind for her...and for you.


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## betsyknit (Apr 4, 2013)

As everyone has expressed, I too say be happy she is thinking of this ahead of time. I don't know how much effort/time you want to put into the afghan but the Tree of Life pattern would be perfect in my opinion. We bring babies into life with it, why not complete the circle. You can modify the pattern to make it more into a prayer shawl size. And if you complete it while she is among the living she can use it and love it before she passes.


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## B.C. Wendy (Mar 9, 2012)

Actually, I think your Mom has a good idea to have all arrangements done ahead of time. My Mom did that and it made it easier for all of us remaining. She was considering others right up to the last. 
Make her a nice blanket of your choosing. She wants to be covered in something YOU made. What an honor.
.


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## Marny CA (Jun 26, 2011)

Your mom is doing you a huge favor by letting you know what she wants. Trust me, you will love her even more for being there for you even after she's gone on to her other adventures.

My mom did everything ... and then told me which dress she wanted to wear. She even let me know that I can come in to see her. She also let me know that she didn't get a limo because my cousin would drive me in his Cadillac.

The only thing she didn't have or tell me about was the type of headstone -- and a friend reminded me that my mom would not want the most expensive or the least expensive.

BTW, my cousin didn't bother to attend the funeral.

My suggestion: is to ask your mom to record messages for each of you ... 

I didn't know to do that for my mom or brother -- and realized how important it is after my husband died and he left me 6 voice messages on my computer!! I also have a couple of videos. One he put together from our cruise six months before he died - and the other was to be watched after he died (his video messages to his sons, mostly). The latter I've watched only twice. My son videotaped Dale after I left the room.

The trip - a number of times -- and the voice messages A LOT and love to hear his voice!!


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## Jenny2 (Feb 9, 2013)

Have whatever flowers she wants. Tradition isn't as important as doing what she would like. I have my funeral etc planned and paid for, plus the headstone in place. Of course I have no family, just friends, so no one has to wonder what needs to be done. Thank your mom for being so thoughtful for sparing you of making those decisions at a sad time. J


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## morningstar (Mar 24, 2012)

pjmcd said:


> My 77 yr. old mother is wanting my sister and I to have all her funeral arrangements done, while she is still in sound mind, this is freaking me out, also, I'm to knit the blanket to go over her before burial, I have no clue as to pattern or size, I have done search, and have found nothing pertaining to this, if someone could give me suggestions, would really appreciate it.


My husband and I are now planning to make pre-paid funeral arrangements with all of our specific requests given to the funeral directors. That may be something your Mom may want to consider. When the time comes, it would make it easier and simpler for you. If she would like to know that her body would be covered in a blanket made by you, give her the gift of that comfort now. As we see many of our friends no longer being of sound mind, we are urged on to take care of things while we can so please try not to freak out. It isn't a pleasant thought, but to know that your efforts will be cherished by your Mom will help you see it differently.


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## antiqueone (Oct 2, 2013)

I have recently lost both parents, Mom at 93, Dad at 99. All of their arrangements were done in advance. My brother, sister, and I went to the funeral home of their choice with them, picked out the urn (a double one, and the home agreed to store it with the cremains of the first, until the other one died). Dad had had the gravesite for decades, as it was part of a piece of land he had given to the cemetary association. We wrote their obits, decided on hymns, and bought the gravestone and had it set, etc. It was a really hard thing to do, but we were able to go back to their house and enjoy a wonderful afternoon, hug them, and get hugged back. Unlike having to go through that after they were gone. The one clinker in the plans.....we lost my brother before the folks, and he had made no plans. Much harder for his kids.


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## brims (May 15, 2012)

It's a good thing that she wants to do this. A lot of times when we are grieving we don't think right. It is common for funerals to get out of hand (financially) and with done you are not doing things that she didn't want or that the family can't afford. I like the idea of a prayer shawl in her favorite color but I'd never heard of this but if that's her wish do it.


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## JoyceinNC (Oct 28, 2011)

jmcret05 said:


> This info may help.
> If you want to lighten the subject, tell her you had planned to leave the same way you arrived --nekkid!


I can just hear my mother saying that!


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## KnittingSquare (Sep 9, 2012)

I think your mother is being sensible about her funeral..my hubby and I are about to pre-arrange ours so that no one in the family can argue about what they think we want


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## jestsat (Aug 20, 2011)

I would have a conversation with her about what she wants for the burial blanket! She may just want something that she would use now and be placed in the casket.

I had a nightmare years ago, that my husband had died and I had given his ashes to my brother-in-law to sprinkle in the woods where he and my husband had hunted. In my dream, my brother-in-law got lost and I had to call out the national guard to hunt for him in the woods. I woke up and everything was OK. Anyway, I told my husband about the nightmare and that I thought that we should talk about our decisions. We did. The fact that we had had this conversation made it so much easier when he past suddenly several years later.

My parents had decided to make these decisions before they past. My father had me sit with him and call all of the funeral homes in our area to find the cheapest place. You can not imagine how hard it was. I felt like a fool and called nine places. The range in price for what they wanted was huge! Anyway, they picked one and prepayed. It was horrible at the time but made those final arrangements so much easier. It was done as they wanted it. They had planned the service, purchased the plot and the headstone.


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## njbk55 (Apr 29, 2011)

preplanning is the the best way. It is much easier on the rest of the family. My late grandmother preplanned hers and paid for hers years before she passed. That was over 30 years ago.


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## Georget (Jul 14, 2011)

I am 77 years old and my husband and I have informed our children that we want to be cremated. No showing. Just a memorial talk at our local Kingdom Hall. 
May I suggest you include your mom with the arrangements. Does she want to be cremated? A showing at the funeral home? What does she want to wear? Ask her what color she would like the knitted cover to be. Pattern? 
Having a talk with her about what she has in mind will also eliminate any misgivings about what you and your sister may have in mind.
Making rational decisions when grieving can be extremely difficult. Hers is a loving request. My mom couldn't make decisions so by asking gentle questions and the process of elimination we were able to ascertain what she wanted. 
She probably wants to insure that you and your sister are not overwhelmed at the time.


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## Charann102 (Apr 26, 2014)

Your mother is very, very wise to want to plan her funeral now. And having her write her own obituary would be an added suggestion from me. You will appreciate her gift of love later on when she passes. Regarding afghan...anything in laprobe size will work.


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## SANDY I (Oct 18, 2014)

When my Mom became so I'll and I had to do her arrangements, it was Christmas eve. I lived 300 miles from there and the director graciously met me on Christmas eve morning. I then went back to be with my husband. I didn't know you could cry that long. Enjoy that project and maybe a pair of slippers too. God bless you. When the end comes those loose ends will all be worked in...like our knitting.


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## wjeanc (Nov 15, 2012)

I saw a friend go through having to make arrangements for her husband a few years ago. It's amazing what pressure is on the widow - unneeded extras that drive the price up higher and higher - i.e. a cement vault that will keep the water away from the casket 5 years longer (do you really think your loved one would want you to waste thousands of dollars for that?)

So what I'm trying to say is she's trying to save you some of the grief/anxiety that comes with her passing. Good mom!

Also, her request for you to knit the blanket is a compliment to you. She obviously treasures your past gifts and ability to make one last beautiful thing she can take with her.

Good job, Mom.


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## Mssell (Jan 30, 2014)

pjmcd said:


> We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


In time you'll smile knowing that your mother "had it her way."


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## Rita Ann (Jan 17, 2012)

Its called "Pre arrangements ".. lots of people are doing this now...you lock in the price the same day...My son is a Funeral Director....it much easier on the family...and any lap blanket is fine...


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## grandmabobbie (Oct 24, 2013)

Any flower arrangement your mom wants is fine and has great meaning to her. Her final arrangements are for her peace of mind and it makes no difference what you perceive others may think. My dad loved flowers and loved to share their beauty. When he died we had an arrangement tied only with one ribbon. It laid upon the casket during his service, but at the cemetery the ribbon was untied and each family member, who wanted to, took one flower and dropped it into the grave. We kept what remained. Sharing.


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## KroSha (Oct 25, 2013)

pjmcd said:


> My 77 yr. old mother is wanting my sister and I to have all her funeral arrangements done, while she is still in sound mind, this is freaking me out, also, I'm to knit the blanket to go over her before burial, I have no clue as to pattern or size, I have done search, and have found nothing pertaining to this, if someone could give me suggestions, would really appreciate it.


Just approximating a size here: 30" x 50"

Fiber: soft, biodegradable cotton

Pattern: how about Tree of Life

http://flickrhivemind.net/Tags/52in522011,tree/Interesting

~~~


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## Janina (May 2, 2011)

I would do something simple, not too complicated and you probably know her favourite colour, so that would be a very nice gesture and it does not have to be full size. I am sure she would appreciate it very much. Hope she stays around for many years. :thumbup:


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## gammalinda (Jun 6, 2015)

I had knitted a shawl, 'Summer Flies' in red worsted baby alpaca which she used the last year of her life. Two years ago, it was then wrapped around her shoulders in the casket. Everyone loved how comforting it looked. 

Last year, for my dad, a WW11 I had knitted him a small red, white and blue lap blanket. It was folded and placed kind of across his hips next to the lower lid. 

Whatever you do it will be special because you knitted it with love.

Best to your very loving and pragmatic mother.
Linda


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## rainie (Jan 12, 2013)

Charann102 said:


> Your mother is very, very wise to want to plan her funeral now. And having her write her own obituary would be an added suggestion from me. You will appreciate her gift of love later on when she passes. Regarding afghan...anything in laprobe size will work.


I forgot to mention that in my previous comment. Your mother should have a hand in the obit. My sis & I are struggling with the wording and should there be a picture. That was something she never mentioned.


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## Susanc241 (Nov 13, 2013)

At almost 67 I have already sorted out and paid for my own funeral/cremation as of about 2 years ago. Primarily to avoid the high costs that might exist if I live another 20 years or so. I want my children to benefit as much as possible from any inheritance I might leave, though they know this might not be much in the event, but at least they won't have to fund my funeral.


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## cgersz (Jun 3, 2015)

a shawl for the Final Hug is the best idea. Thanks for the great idea.


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## crafterwantabe (Feb 26, 2013)

My parents are actually doing that all too. They don't bother us kids when the time comes. They get what they want and all is good...


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## Kensbarb (Aug 27, 2014)

More and more people are handling final arrangements the way that they want and not necessarily the conventional way. Some are being buried with no ceremony at all. DH and I have our niche and are working on final details. Our kids couldn't care less as long as they won't be bothered. I doubt our grave site will ever be visited. Most of we common people won't be remembered past 2 generations if we are lucky enough to be remembered even that long.


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## welsh wooly (Mar 3, 2014)

Having had to sort out both parents funerals, Mam was not up to doing Dads, I think your mother has the right idea. It may creep you out now but it will make life so much easier on the hopefully distant day you have to put things in motion. I have no one to sort me out except the executors of my will so I have sorted mine now. I have an insurance policy that will pay for it and the details of what I want done saved with my will. I have also told everybody I know that if any of my organs are of use to somebody in need they can be taken with my blessing.


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## lainey_h (Dec 14, 2013)

pjmcd said:


> We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


You'll feel better when the time comes that you've honored her wishes. Traditions aren't written in stone. I think it's great that your mother is willing to discuss this difficult subject.


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## Woodsywife (Mar 9, 2014)

I just buried my mother 2 weeks ago. She never expressed her wishes except to be cremated, which my father didn't want. My father had no clue what to do. He left it up to me and my sister who had been estranged from them for years. Yet she seem to take charge until I had enough and exerted my POA. It would be so much easier on the ones left to make arrangements if you knew what they wanted. My mother was sick, had no idea if any of her clothes would fit her or what her arms looked like because of all the blood work. The last time I saw her before she passed (4 days earlier) her arms were severely bruised and edematous. I didn't know what clothes she had, so had to go through everything in her closets. We had half open casket.

If you are having a full open casket a lap robe would be a good size. In my brothers case he was laid out on a table with his childhood blanket covering him.

Regardless of your arrangements, may it be peaceful and dignified. My brothers was not.


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## MzBarnz (Aug 15, 2011)

I think it's a lovely idea that your mom wants you to make a blanket for her to "take with her". I do agree it's a tough discussion to have with loved ones, but my mom and dad had all arrangements taken care of and paid for long before they passed, which made it easier on me since I'm an only child. My mom even had her clothes picked out and hung them up in the closet along with jewelry, ballet slippers and even brand new undies. When I received a small inheritance, the first thing I did was purchase plots and set up funeral arrangements for my husband and I so it will be easier on my children when the time comes. Maybe your mom can pick out the colors she would like for her blanket. My thoughts are with you.


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## flitri (Jun 13, 2011)

I would ask her what colour and pattern that she wants in the blanket.


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## k2p3-knit-on (Oct 24, 2012)

I believe it's become a common practice. At memorial services at our church the pastor often comments the deceased person planned the service, chose the music, favorite Bible verses, favorite readings--often with humor.


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## patm (Apr 20, 2012)

pjmcd said:


> We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


Not strange at all. My parents passed and at their funeral the grandchildren and children each came forward, picked up a rose and placed it on the casket.


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## KnitterNatalie (Feb 20, 2011)

jobailey said:


> Check with the funeral home you're going to use. Since you only see the person from the torso up it would not need to be very long.
> 
> Good luck with all that!


Agree. The blanket probably won't be any bigger, if that big, than a small throw. Best wishes.


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## dauntiekay (Jan 18, 2014)

clmobry said:


> how about a prayer shawl in length that works? Prayers are appropriate for the last message? Choose her favorite colors (maybe even involve her in the choice?). What an honor. Don't think burial... think final hug, swadling


This is a great suggestion and I would say why not do this ahead of time that way it is done and you can store it in a safe place. That way you would not be having to do this when you are grieving and you might even ask her what she would want as far as color and pattern goes that way when the time comes you will know that what you have made will be what she would have wanted.


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## Ranger (Apr 26, 2012)

Your mom is doing you a huge favor. When the time comes I know you will be grateful. I've been through this where you have a lot of decisions to make during a very stressful time
As far as flowers, there's no right or wrong. I'd respect her wishes


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## damemary (Mar 14, 2012)

Meaningful and lovely. It's her wishes.



pjmcd said:


> We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


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## CI of NC (Feb 27, 2015)

My husband and I bought our burial insurance at age 60 and it was $1600.00 each. That policy now would cost over $3,000.00. Your mother is a wise and loving mother to get this done now. 

CI of NC ..Charlene


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## cpennyforyourthoughts (Nov 27, 2012)

Your mom is smart and responsible to bring it up and want to have that concern taken off the plate by managing it now. There were some things done in advance by my mom which did make the time easier. It is a time of shock no matter how expected. Ours was right at Christmas. We ended up having a family celebration of my mom on Christmas Day as a result. Could not have gotten it together quickly enough had she not made advance preparation. I am trying to encourage my former husband to care enough about his children to do this also.


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## lil rayma (Mar 29, 2012)

God bless your Mom for thinking of all of you, before the grief takes over. I have told anyone who has to know (two people) that I do not want a viewing or a funeral. I want to go right into the ground as soon as possible. This is very, very important to me, so I had to make it known now. I think everyone should have the right to request what they would like ahead of time, and it really makes things easier on those left to deal with the arrangements. As for the blanket, I think, as someone already suggested, that a prayer shawl would be a lovely idea.


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## simplyelizabeth (Sep 15, 2012)

My mom had her funeral planned in advance, and it was comforting to know she had exactly what she wanted.


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## jennyb (Mar 20, 2011)

You are fortunate that your mother is thinking of you and your sister now because that will be a difficult time for both of you. Let her be involved in the color and pattern choice. Blessiing to you


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## GogoJules (Aug 27, 2012)

Full marks to your considerate relative.
It is always easier if those left behind know exactly what
the departed person wanted. Right now it seems a bit crass but when the time comes you will be grateful to have had this input.
Jules


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## bluestocking (Oct 5, 2013)

She is only 77 - is she ill? My Mom had her 105th and no talk of passing on....


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## dachsmom (Aug 23, 2011)

What if you made her a lapghan now that she could enjoy and use for the burial as well?


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## Sunny70 (Jul 25, 2014)

Nothing is strange that has meaning to the deceased. I think know what the person wants is a great gift. I had no idea when either my mom or dad died, we never talked about it. We only knew where they were to be buried. My mother and father-in-law had it all planned out. I pretty much know what I want and will have it written down.


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## Kansas g-ma (Mar 7, 2014)

knitterlin said:


> I can't help with the burial blanket, but I encourage you to be grateful that your mother is willing to talk about her wishes. When the time comes, you will be happy you are able to fulfill her desires. Also, the less you need to deal with when you are in shock and mourning, the better it will be for you.


Oh, yes, knitterlin is so VERY right. Your mom is being thoughtful. As to the blanket-- see what size is needed for casket of her choice.


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## MadMom (Feb 23, 2015)

My grandmother had her funeral all planned out and paid for. The funeral director tried to talk us into a more expensive casket, saying "It was what she would have wanted." Thank heaven she had already picked out what she wanted, or in our grief and shock, we might have fallen for it.


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## joycevv (Oct 13, 2011)

I have never heard of a funeral blanket. Yes, I agree, all very weird!


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## Montana Gramma (Dec 19, 2012)

whataknitwit said:


> When my husband died I just had 3 red rosebuds on his coffin, one each for my sons and myself, I brought them back from the crem, dried them and put them in a little glass jar with a lid, they have sat on my mantlepiece for nearly 26 years. There were no other flowers, he always felt it was such a waste, those who wished made a donation to charity instead. When my father died we had no flowers at all, he was a man who hated fuss so that was what he wanted, to see his coffin unadorned was just right for him.


My Dad had a sheaf of wheat, he had dried it years earlier. Farmer to eternity.


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## Nana5 (Aug 17, 2011)

God Bless your wonderful Mom!! My Mom had taken care of the funeral home before she passed away and I was so grateful to her for doing that as I only had to call the funeral home and they took care of everything, giving me time to grieve and do the other things that needed to be done. Just one more reason I loved her so much! The blanket need not be anything more special in that you knitted it for her as a labor of love. Enjoy each day with her.....pictures, pictures and more pictures...


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## Bod (Nov 11, 2014)

I can't help you with blanket ideas but wanting her funeral arrangements made ahead of is not a bad idea. Mine are made.


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## Sunny70 (Jul 25, 2014)

I ways said that I wanted to buried in a pink nightgown and I think a blanket would be perfect. I'm not planning to go to the Hot place so might get cold!


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## Sedona (Oct 3, 2011)

So true! We went with our Mom to take care of all her funeral arrangements about a year before she passed. What a blessing to know her wishes.


knitterlin said:


> I can't help with the burial blanket, but I encourage you to be grateful that your mother is willing to talk about her wishes. When the time comes, you will be happy you are able to fulfill her desires. Also, the less you need to deal with when you are in shock and mourning, the better it will be for you.


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## imoffcall (Oct 12, 2011)

All of our arrangements have been made for about 10 years now. Im 72 and still get hot flashes so I told my kids to bury me with my hot flash medication. LOL
I put a golf ball and A tee into my fater-in-laws jacket pocket along with 2 dollors to tip the caddie.
I also put two pairs of shoes into my mother in laws coffin as she was a shoe lover. Why not cant hurt.


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## SanDK7206 (Jun 3, 2015)

pjmcd said:


> We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


I think this arrangement would be very, very special, and each child and grandchild would know he or she was represented in love. She knows what she wants, and this should take precedence over tradition, as some of the other stories prove. Hard thing to talk about, but very necessary.


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## Medieval Reenactor (Sep 3, 2013)

pjmcd said:


> ....... does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


Who cares how it will look- it is symbolic for the family and therefore meaningful. I remember that beautiful little posy Princess Diana's son put on her coffin.


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## zona7500 (Sep 18, 2012)

I will be 90 in a few months. My husband died 15 years ago. I have made all funeral arrangements for myself and paid for them.
I made a sheet with the names of pallbearers, songs to be played at the funeral, cemetery lot is marked and the stone just needs date of my death.
Picture and obituary for the newspaper, church involved, menu for lunch -- I even have an envelope with the name of each of my children on it. In it I mention various things that will come up and so they will have the answers. I even have a list of people, addresses (plus e-mail addresses), and phone numbers that my children can contact to inform them. One of the first notes is to close my Facebook page, etc. 
I am in excellent health, but who knows.

They (four children) thought it was not necessary to do all of this, but now they realize what a relief it will be to them.

I also have taken care of bank accounts so that the one designated can go right into the accounts and write any necessary checks.

I do hope that all of the information KPers are giving you will be a big help.


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## Bebekka (Jun 4, 2011)

I'm afraid I am with your mother. I started thinking about this as more of my close family members passed, and that was when I was under 50. I have my songs picked out, my memorial board and my arrangements for how and where I will be finally put.

I know it is hard to even think about, but your mother is giving you a big gift by wanting this arranged before she passes.


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## kareb (Dec 30, 2013)

Why not ask her to help pick out a pattern she likes?

I'm thankful for this post. It has reminded me that I need to complete a living directive and a will. I have nothing to leave anyone, but my children and I are not on the best of terms and no way is anyone going to put me in a box and bury me in the ground. No offense intended to anyone.


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## MadMom (Feb 23, 2015)

I don't mind if they put me outside on the street with the trash. I just don't want to be buried where people can come visit me. Either plant me in a green cemetery, where I can provide food for the trees, or cremate me and put me in a disposable urn which has tree seeds. My daughter already said she would plant me in a national forest. I would like that.


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## Sunny70 (Jul 25, 2014)

My friend was claustrophobic and didn't want to be buried either, but she didn't want to be cremated either so I asked her son which corner he was going to put her in? He wanted to know what I meant so I said that only other thing would be take her to taxidermist! Now that would be weird!


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## sues4hrts (Apr 22, 2011)

Can't agree more with Linda. When my son died it was so hard to make the arrangements. That's when I decided that I would have all taken care of so when the time comes my loved ones won't have to deal with it all. My parents did the same. It's hard enough to just function at that time! I don't have a clue about a buriel blanket, but I'm sure just something simple or maybe something in your mothers favorite color. Ask her if she has anything in mind. 
Good luck. Sue


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## kittygritty (Mar 2, 2015)

clmobry said:


> how about a prayer shawl in length that works? Prayers are appropriate for the last message? Choose her favorite colors (maybe even involve her in the choice?). What an honor. Don't think burial... think final hug, swadling


You are "lucky", if I can use that word. It is so important to know what our loved ones want. We are so fearful to speak of death. It is an honor for you that she wants a blanket made by you. So sweet.


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## SUSIEK16MA (Mar 4, 2011)

My sister fought cancer for many years. Her friends made quilt squares of prayers & wishes, then her closest friend quilted it. Linda proudly displayed it then wrapped up in it on bad days. Father let us use it as the casket cover, instead of the white pall normally used, because he knew what it meant to her. Then we buried it with her so she, now wrapped in the arms of Jesus, is also wrapped in the love of her earthly friends.


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## mamanacy (Dec 16, 2013)

I think it is a wonderful request that you both can take part in. You will always have this wonderful memory. And from the practical standpoint what you pay beforehand will not go up in price. Make sure that you have the amount paid in writing and statement that there will be no additional expenses. Also, don't forget about the fee for the grave digger (if she will be in ground). Usually they require cash. At least they do in areas around Va., W.Va. and Md. Don't be sad-just go with her request and rejoice that you were a part of her last wishes. God Bless. N


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## knittingagain (Apr 12, 2011)

pjmcd said:


> We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


Nothing is odd, if it is the person's wishes. I think it sounds lovely, simple yet heartfelt. Who says traditional is the only way? My own opinion, I like things a bit wonky, lets the person's personality shine through.


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## nankat (Oct 17, 2012)

pjmcd said:


> We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


It is what she wants. Just do what she wants. You will make her happy and she is taking must stress off of you, in the future.


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## gheezi (Mar 11, 2015)

Does your mom knit? For me an unfinished project in my hands would be spot on


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## Dcsmith77 (Apr 18, 2011)

By now, you surely realize that planning ahead as your mother wishes to do is a wise thing to do, so I won't comment more on that.

Our church (Episcopal) has a very lovely shroud that is placed over the coffin at funerals and then the flowers are placed over that, if there are any, mostly there are not, but that's personal preference. The shroud covers the top of the coffin with nothing hanging down the sides. It is brocade, but there's no reason it cannot be knitted. It has about a four inch border and a cross down the middle all the same golden color, but it can be any color. 

You did not say, but if you are not Christian, I'm supposing there would be a similar symbol to use. You could do the border in seed stitch, the center in stst and purl the cross (or whatever) so it would stand out. I looked up "shrouds" and "burial shrouds" on the internet and just got a lot of kind of weird pictures. Since you are somewhat uncomfortable with this, don't look it up on the internet! You will eventually be very happy that your mother wanted to make these plans with you. It is a very difficult time and means a lot to be certain that you are proceeding as she would wish. Best wishes to you and hope she lives a long time.


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## Ask4j (May 21, 2011)

pjmcd said:


> My 77 yr. old mother is wanting my sister and I to have all her funeral arrangements done, while she is still in sound mind, this is freaking me out, also, I'm to knit the blanket to go over her before burial, I have no clue as to pattern or size, I have done search, and have found nothing pertaining to this, if someone could give me suggestions, would really appreciate it.


Sounds like mother is in control. I wouldn't worry about it too much--just reassure her that everything will be done as she wishes and leave it at that. A close friend died who was a giving person, she did expect things from people, but she gave twice as much. Never a birthday was forgotten, all babies where welcomed into the world with booties, sweaters, hats and the list goes on. She had planned her entire funeral to be a pleasant relaxed time while getting together all her family and friends--no requests made--she did it all. Her pastor helped her choose songs and the program. The church was filled with people and a full meal provided after. I met so many people I hadn't seen for a long time plus actually seeing her family from out of town who somehow just never got around to visiting her much while she was alive--but that's how families are.


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## Dutchie1946 (Jun 19, 2012)

MadMom said:


> I don't mind if they put me outside on the street with the trash. I just don't want to be buried where people can come visit me. Either plant me in a green cemetery, where I can provide food for the trees, or cremate me and *put me in a disposable urn which has tree seeds. My daughter already said she would plant me in a national forest. I would like that.*


At 69, I admit that we've pre-planned nothing. I have stated I'd like to be an organ donor, if any are useful, but my darling is against that, so it'll only happen if he pre-deceases me. However, I really, _really_ like your idea. I'm going to send this post to my daughter. She lives across the continent in Frenso, but - when she's got days off - she's a hiker. She hikes the back country at every national or state park she can drive to - and some of those drives to go hiking are over 12 hours! I'm a city kid and cyclist; I'm more used to pavement than shoe-wide paths (called trails) with not a human construction in sight or to be heard.

Thank you MadMom for the great idea!


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## LilgirlCA (Jan 22, 2011)

pjmcd said:


> We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


This will look very nice and will be a comfort to all as it is what she wants. The roses can be laid out nicely with pink and white ribbons trailing among them

Traditions were once just someone's idea and the idea caught on. They are not mandatory and can be ignored safely


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## Gweneth 1946 (May 20, 2012)

Your mother is right in bringing up that subject at this time of her life. Many, like my grandfather said "let the kids fight over it" and that is what happened. I told my mother to keep me out of her affairs and I have passed her care over to my brother. My husband and I made our arrangements about nine years ago at the age of sixty because we had the money at the time. But like you, heaven forbid I talk about death in any shape or form now to him. You will at least know what she wants done. We also have our will done up. This is just reality. I am not sure of the measurements that you might need but I would say the size of a lap quilt but a little longer. You will be fine once you get started. I found the whole procedure interesting.
Knowledge is power and you will find this just a part of life.
All the best on this venture with your Mom.


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## chardon62 (Apr 3, 2014)

It is a good thing that your mom is telling you this,one of my friends told her family and told her friends to make sure they do it.


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## Cheryl Jaeger (Oct 25, 2011)

Hi pjmcd, As hard as it is to make these arrangements for your Mom, You will feel better knowing her wishes were given to her when the time comes. 
When my step Dad passed he left no requests for what or who he wanted. We felt sad not knowing what his wishes would have been.


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## margie1992 (Apr 27, 2011)

Do exactly what she wants. You will be so grateful when the time arrives. My Dad didn't exactly plan a complete funeral, but he made enough comments over the years that the funeral was essentially planned. His sisters completely freaked out about a lot of the plans; but they calmed down when we reminded them of what Daddy said -- because they had heard him, too. Mom has done the same thing. She is 98 and still going strong.


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## scumbugusa (Oct 10, 2011)

pjmcd said:


> My 77 yr. old mother is wanting my sister and I to have all her funeral arrangements done, while she is still in sound mind, this is freaking me out, also, I'm to knit the blanket to go over her before burial, I have no clue as to pattern or size, I have done search, and have found nothing pertaining to this, if someone could give me suggestions, would really appreciate it.


Your Mother sounds like a sensible and lovely lady. As for the blanket, maybe she would like to pick out a pattern and if appropriate the color (I have never heard of such a blanket).

God luck and :thumbup: to your Mum


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## sutclifd (Feb 26, 2013)

pjmcd said:


> We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


The woman should have what she wants.


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## Marilyn K. (Jul 8, 2011)

I know it can make one feel a bit uncomfortable [understatement here but...]. I went through this with my mom in law. She started doing this at age 75. She died at age 101. Sometimes it felt like we were getting ready for a prom; shopping for a dress etc. Sometimes it seemed like we were packing her belongings before she would go to a hospital to give birth. We had to have everything organized and ready to go. Then we would start all over again as styles and her taste changed. After a while I would just go with the flow. Except!!! One time we were at another's funeral. Mom says, "He's too low." I asked, "what do you mean, he's too low?" "He's too low," she answered, in the casket. He's too low! Make sure I am higher up." You don't know what I went through trying to conceive of ways I could rectify that situation should it arise. Then, I calmly said, "I can't just go up there and give you a boost." "No," she said they have handles now, you turn the handle and it will make me sit up higher." I turned to my husband and whispered, "Not gonna happen!" My husband who knew I was falling apart inside, squeezed my hand and said, "We can tell the funeral director to do it." Good Luck! You can do this.


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## LEE1313 (Jan 25, 2011)

I agree that you should do it.
NOW while no one is stressed out. Mistakes and poor choices are made when people are frazzled.
And how wonderful you Mom asked you to make her a blanket.

This is a timely discussion as I am in the beginning stage of getting my ideas sorted and make it easier on my kids when the time comes.

Bless your Mom and all of you for caring about each other.


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## scumbugusa (Oct 10, 2011)

pjmcd said:


> We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


Sounds like she knows what she wants and I would do it for her exactly as she wants it. And who cares if it looks strange its what she wants.


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## loubroy (Feb 15, 2013)

My husband's aunt (who raised him) had all of her funeral arrangements made and paid for. This turned out to be such a great help because she ended up with Alzheimer's and for at least 10 years was unable to realize where she was much less let us know what she wanted for her funeral. Be thankful that your mother is thinking ahead. Also should she ever have to go into a nursing home the funeral costs will not have to come out of her assets. I would ask her what kind of blanket she would like.


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## LEE1313 (Jan 25, 2011)

These are your Mom's last requests. I truly think they should be honored. And WHO cares what others think. JMHO.
I always add 1 pink carnation in anything I do to honor my Mom. It was her fav flower. I even tucked one in my daughters' bridal bouquet. She and I were the only ones who knew it was there. But it was a comfort to her, just knowing her Granny was with her in a most special way.


scumbugusa said:


> Sounds like she knows what she wants and I would do it for her exactly as she wants it. And who cares if it looks strange its what she wants.


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## standsalonewolf (Dec 1, 2011)

Dutchie1946 said:


> The question isn't about maintaining artificial 'traditions'; it's about honouring your parent. It's her body that will be in the coffin. It should be decorated as _she_ wishes, not however the floral industry dictates.
> 
> My parents had stated where they were to be buried.
> My father had bought a plot in the town were he lived with my stepmother and raised my two half-sisters. His only other preparation was to state that he did not want to be buried next to his mother-in-law, who was in one section of the plot. Done, but _only_ after the funeral director squeezed far too much money out of my stepmother. She was the perfect 'mark'; she'd never handled money in her entire life. Her mother and her husband were the ones who managed all income/outflow. Too bad my father - age 70 and of sound mind - didn't consider just how hopelessly lost she would be without him.
> ...


 :thumbup:


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## scumbugusa (Oct 10, 2011)

If you want to lighten the subject, tell her you had planned to leave the same way you arrived --nekkid![/quote]

Wouldn't that be a shock for the mourners, open casket and nekked!


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## beanscene (Jun 9, 2012)

pjmcd said:


> My 77 yr. old mother is wanting my sister and I to have all her funeral arrangements done, while she is still in sound mind, this is freaking me out, also, I'm to knit the blanket to go over her before burial, I have no clue as to pattern or size, I have done search, and have found nothing pertaining to this, if someone could give me suggestions, would really appreciate it.


My mum planned hers down to the last detail too. Readings, hymns, music, etc. all done whilst in hospital suffering with heart failure. She was in her 80's, knew she was coming to the end of her life, had faith and wasn't afraid. In the end she just went to sleep with my dad by her side. Devastated as we were to lose her, we knew it was her time and thanks to her, her funeral was full of lovely words and music.


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## Lillysmom (Aug 9, 2011)

pjmcd said:


> We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


I think it's a beautiful idea. Don't worry about what is odd, or what people will think. If this is what she wants, do it!


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## jeanmarie515 (May 21, 2015)

I was a pastoral care associate at my (Catholic) parish for many years, and helping families plan funerals was a significant part of the job. I always began the discussion by saying that our purpose was to honor the deceased and demonstrate our love for them. I think it's a wonderful opportunity for your family to gather and discuss the things that mean the most to her -- the funeral arrangements may be just one part of the discussion. As others have already commented, your mother probably wants to make it easier for you when she does leave this life. When I met with families whose loved one had made prior plans, they were most grateful to know that they were respecting final wishes.


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## KroSha (Oct 25, 2013)

imoffcall said:


> All of our arrangements have been made for about 10 years now. Im 72 and still get hot flashes so I told my kids to bury me with my hot flash medication. LOL
> I put a golf ball and A tee into my fater-in-laws jacket pocket along with 2 dollors to tip the caddie.
> I also put two pairs of shoes into my mother in laws coffin as she was a shoe lover. Why not cant hurt.


How the Egyptians did it, after all...


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## Maryhm (Oct 11, 2012)

I can't agree more with your Mom on this. I was forced to make arrangements for my own Mother when she went in a nursing home. When she passed, I couldn't have been more appreciative that all the decisions had already been made by her and her husband. My son had passed only 5 months prior to her and it was so stressful to have to make decisions for a loved one's internment. I couldn't have born it again so soon. About the blanket, have your Mom choose it. Give her some options and let her decide.


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## trishkfl (Aug 28, 2013)

My parent both had their services planned out and paid for. My mother is still with us and had made some minor changes with regard to services.


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## Crafty Joan (Jan 20, 2013)

I found it very difficult to talk to my parents about dying and wish now that I had been able to listen to them more attentively. I tried to avoid the subject but should have given them more encouragement to talk and listened to them better. Please listen to your Mum and help her to deal with her plans, if you don't you might have regrets later.


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## Dutchie1946 (Jun 19, 2012)

Crafty Joan said:


> I found it very difficult to talk to my parents about dying and wish now that I had been able to listen to them more attentively. I tried to avoid the subject but should have given them more encouragement to talk and listened to them better. Please listen to your Mum and help her to deal with her plans, if you don't you might have regrets later.


Might have regrets later? No 'might' about it! It's certain.


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## MadMom (Feb 23, 2015)

You're welcome. I think it would be good to be a part of something which lives long after you're gone. I'm an organ donor, too, but doubt if there will be anything left of any value to anyone! As a good friend of my Mom and Dad's said, I would leave my eyes to someone, but then they'd have to get my glasses, too!


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## JennieG (Jul 17, 2011)

My mother was buried covered by an afghan I had recently crocheted for her in her favorite theme, sunflowers. It had stayed at the bottom of her bed during hospice care, and it felt right that it should go with her. She was a voracious needleworker, and at the suggestion of one of her friends we put a crochet hook in her hand. 

Don't worry too much about the size of the blanket, because the funeral home worker will arrange it to fit.


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## nitnana (Feb 3, 2013)

Now you all have me worried. DH has dementia and we have done no pre-planning about our own funerals - yet! I am not sure - if we go to pre-arrange our funerals do we need to have the money up front - tell them we have insurance or what? My own mother pre-planned her and her DH (my Dad's) funerals way ahead of time - picked out the coffins, etc. and left her good dress hanging in the closet where I couldn't miss it and request for songs, etc. It was much easier on us - but I just can't get myself (or DH) off our duffs to go and do it for ourselves! Maybe soon - ! I know - I know - we really should do it!  :shock:


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## KroSha (Oct 25, 2013)

nitnana said:


> Now you all have me worried. DH has dementia and we have done no pre-planning about our own funerals - yet! I am not sure - if we go to pre-arrange our funerals do we need to have the money up front - tell them we have insurance or what? My own mother pre-planned her and her DH (my Dad's) funerals way ahead of time - picked out the coffins, etc. and left her good dress hanging in the closet where I couldn't miss it and request for songs, etc. It was much easier on us - but I just can't get myself (or DH) off our duffs to go and do it for ourselves! Maybe soon - ! I know - I know - we really should do it!  :shock:


Perhaps you could find motivation in the thought that you don't want to leave these choices up in the air so that your loved ones are required to deal with the arrangements at a time when they should be able to focus on saying their goodbyes in comfort ??? Just an idea...


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## lupines (Aug 1, 2012)

nitnana said:


> Now you all have me worried. DH has dementia and we have done no pre-planning about our own funerals - yet! I am not sure - if we go to pre-arrange our funerals do we need to have the money up front - tell them we have insurance or what? My own mother pre-planned her and her DH (my Dad's) funerals way ahead of time - picked out the coffins, etc. and left her good dress hanging in the closet where I couldn't miss it and request for songs, etc. It was much easier on us - but I just can't get myself (or DH) off our duffs to go and do it for ourselves! Maybe soon - ! I know - I know - we really should do it!  :shock:


Even if you do not go to the funeral home and pre-pay, at least sit down and make a list/set of guidelines for someone to follow. That way your wishes will be known, and you will be removing some stress from your children at a very difficult time. I think pre-pay probably protects against price increases, but even if you don't pre-plan with a funeral home, sitting down and thinking about what you and hubby would want, will make it easier for the survivors...

Cremation or not, type of service you would like, a list of people to notify (I'm especially thinking of friends with whom you are not in constant contact). Maybe write your obituary...

Put your financial paperwork in order. Leave a list of your internet sites (KP, facebook, bank accounts, amazon, etc - with passwords!) - so that someone can access/close out accounts for you.

There are many free sources on the internet with checklists and suggestions of what needs to be decided.

The most important things are probably getting your wills (and possibly trusts) in order and having a living will/health care proxy.

I'm in my sixties (my mom is still going strong at 95) but hubby and I are working on this now...


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## Elaine Ohs (Jan 27, 2011)

When I was a very young child an elderly woman that lived near us past away. I kept pestering my Mother to take me with her to the funeral home. When we arrived the woman was not in a coffin, but laying on a chaise lounge wearing a beautiful long lavender dress. She was covered from about the waist down with a lovely hand knit lacy afghan the same color as her dress. the whole scene made quite an impression and as soon as I saw her I turned around and left. I still remember it in detail all these years later. I never ever saw the same kind of thing ever again. It was in the south and wonder if long ago that was the custom there or if was just the way she wanted it. 
it.

I wonder if any of you has had unusual funeral home happening


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## meyersa0 (Jan 29, 2013)

What an honor to knit a blanket for your mother. It will be a labor of love that few are able to provide.


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## Dutchie1946 (Jun 19, 2012)

Elaine Ohs said:


> When I was a very young child an elderly woman that lived near us past away. I kept pestering my Mother to take me with her to the funeral home. When we arrived the woman was not in a coffin, but laying on a chaise lounge wearing a beautiful long lavender dress. She was covered from about the waist down with a lovely hand knit lacy afghan the same color as her dress. the whole scene made quite an impression and as soon as I saw her I turned around and left. I still remember it in detail all these years later. I never ever saw the same kind of thing ever again. It was in the south and wonder if long ago that was the custom there or if was just the way she wanted it.
> it.
> 
> I wonder if any of you has had unusual funeral home happening


I love the story of that funeral! Would that all were so picturesque!

I'm of two minds about children and funerals. 
As a child, the firefighter father of a classmate died. My grandmother took me to the funeral mass; I saw nothing of the coffin - don't even know if it was there. That large church was packed; now, I believe it was packed with other firefighters. It was a strange experience for a 6 or 7 year old.

A year or two later, some bishop or other person in the NYC RC hierarchy died and was laid out for visiting by the public. It was near enough that the whole school (grades 1 through 12) trooped over and through the area on foot. I was somewhat spooked when the nuns indicated that we should kiss his ring; I wasn't the only kid who refused.

At age 11, my grandmother - she who raised me - died. My mother insisted that I remain at home to care for my 3-month-old sister and not go to the funeral. That decision of hers has haunted me down the decades. 
First, for the cruelty of it. Leave a baby whose only nourishment is breast milk home with an unfeeling father and an eleven-year-old for well over six hours? He screamed at me to stop the baby's crying, and my baby sister cried incessantly for the absent breast! Expressed breast milk from a bottle would not do for her.
Secondly, for the lack of any 'closure' for me. My grandmother had raised me from birth until she fell ill early in my 11th year. No one had had the wit to tell me that she was terminally ill. Everyone, herself included, kept assuring me that I'd be rejoining her at the home I'd grown up in soon. LIARS all! Or just self-deluding late-twenty-somethings and an equally self-deluding 60-something? Whichever and despite asking many times over the years, no one ever told me where she was buried. Hers is the _one_ grave I would want to visit, but I haven't a clue as to how to find it.


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## TarLanding (Feb 6, 2014)

My mother in law loved her white slacks and bulky pink jacket type sweater over a white top.. She also had slippers i had knitted perhaps 20 years before she passed. She lost her sight at 62 and died at 75. We always described what she was wearing. We knew she liked these items and every one said she looked like herself. She did because of her outfit.

We never discussed death although she and my father in law had cancer and were living with us. This is the way the family wanted it but it was difficult to make all the plans. Plans made ahead of time or ideas expressed would have helped.


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## smartiedriver (Sep 17, 2012)

Why don`t you make her a blanket that she would love to have whilst she is still alive, and then let her save it for her funeral? 

Then she will know that she has a gift that she will treasure and can be used as she wants when the time comes.


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## Pocahontas (Apr 15, 2011)

Elaine Ohs said:


> When I was a very young child an elderly woman that lived near us past away. I kept pestering my Mother to take me with her to the funeral home. When we arrived the woman was not in a coffin, but laying on a chaise lounge wearing a beautiful long lavender dress. She was covered from about the waist down with a lovely hand knit lacy afghan the same color as her dress. the whole scene made quite an impression and as soon as I saw her I turned around and left. I still remember it in detail all these years later. I never ever saw the same kind of thing ever again. It was in the south and wonder if long ago that was the custom there or if was just the way she wanted it.
> it.
> 
> I wonder if any of you has had unusual funeral home happening


Wow! I live in the South and have never seen or heard of anything like this. Very untraditional, but sounds beautiful.


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## LEE1313 (Jan 25, 2011)

Oh Jessica-Jean,
That is so sad for you. The entire experience wasn't in your best interest.
I hope that you are able to find your Grandmother's resting place.
Doesn't the funeral home have a record ?
My heart aches for you.


Dutchie1946 said:


> I love the story of that funeral! Would that all were so picturesque!
> 
> I'm of two minds about children and funerals.
> As a child, the firefighter father of a classmate died. My grandmother took me to the funeral mass; I saw nothing of the coffin - don't even know if it was there. That large church was packed; now, I believe it was packed with other firefighters. It was a strange experience for a 6 or 7 year old.
> ...


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## Dutchie1946 (Jun 19, 2012)

LEE1313 said:


> Oh Jessica-Jean,
> That is so sad for you. The entire experience wasn't in your best interest.
> I hope that you are able to find your Grandmother's resting place.
> Doesn't the funeral home have a record ?
> My heart aches for you.


What funeral home? I haven't the least clue. Thinking about it again today - while reading this topic's many pages - it occurs to me that perhaps the parish church, where I presume the service was, might have some record of where she was buried ... if they still have records from 58 years ago. I'll be sending an e-mail, assuming the parish still exists and is online. Thanks for everything.


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## ParkerEliz (Mar 21, 2011)

Although the bottom half of your mom won't be seen, I would still want it to be long enough to cover from chin to a few inches past her toes to keep out the chill.

I know, sounds dumb. It's just me.


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## smartiedriver (Sep 17, 2012)

Thats why I want a `Willow` coffin so I can still breathe. HUH?

Who `breathe`s when they are dead?


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## LEE1313 (Jan 25, 2011)

Good Luck,
I will prayer that you find the info you are searching for.
Maybe also the newspaper for the area may have her obituary. Worth a try,


Dutchie1946 said:


> What funeral home? I haven't the least clue. Thinking about it again today - while reading this topic's many pages - it occurs to me that perhaps the parish church, where I presume the service was, might have some record of where she was buried ... if they still have records from 58 years ago. I'll be sending an e-mail, assuming the parish still exists and is online. Thanks for everything.


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## morningstar (Mar 24, 2012)

Jessica-Jean, If it was a Catholic Church and has since closed, the records are kept. A phone call to the office of that diocese should get the ball rolling for you to have the long-awaited information. I am so sorry you have carried this sadness for so many years and I hope you can get the information.


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## luvrcats (Dec 7, 2014)

Yes, be grateful that she is thinking about her final desires--and believe it or not, this will be a big relief and burden of deciding off your shoulders. My parents both had their creamation plans long before needed, and I, too, made my same plans more than 30 years ago. Much "softer" on those left behind--it is difficult enough to lose a loved one. As to the blanket, some good ideas here--ask your mom if she wants her favorite color. Hopefully, she will stay with you for a long time!


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## Dutchie1946 (Jun 19, 2012)

morningstar said:


> Jessica-Jean, If it was a Catholic Church and has since closed, the records are kept. A phone call to the office of that diocese should get the ball rolling for you to have the long-awaited information. I am so sorry you have carried this sadness for so many years and I hope you can get the information.


The parish seems to be still around and online. E-mail sent.


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## morningstar (Mar 24, 2012)

Dutchie1946 said:


> The parish seems to be still around and online. E-mail sent.


Great! Please let us know if you finally get your answer.


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## jeanmarie515 (May 21, 2015)

I am so sorry for the austerity, sadness, confusion, fear, and sorrow that you faced at such an early age. It's no wonder that so many people are frightened by any discussion of death. You have my most sincere condolences, even though you experienced these events so long ago.


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## jeanmarie515 (May 21, 2015)

The last comment I made was in response to Jessica-Jean.


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## grammylynn (Mar 2, 2013)

pjmcd said:


> We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


I think her ideas are better. How can anything the deceased wanted be strange it is her service isn't it? Love the symbolism of the roses which must be her favorite flower.

I have been telling my family for 40+ yrs what I want I just hope they are able to do as I wish in some manner. My desire is for my ashes to be taken on a last cruise with my pets ashes included as I am keeping them as they pass, and spread us all on the farthest warm island they go to. I would like the family to celebrate our life together on the way home by enjoying the cruise as it was our family's favorite vacation. No flowers or service, just family, and friends if they want to go, and good time remembering our adventures. If I don't leave enough money for a big family cruise then spread us on a warm beach. I don't want my family having a lot of money spent to put me in the ground when they can have one last vacation with me, doing what we love best. I have talked about this so much by the time I pass it will just be natural to them and they will know the trip is what I wanted for them at that time.


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## Donnabellah (Jul 12, 2011)

Here is another reason I love this website so much. So many people have responded to this question with kindness and gentleness. Bless each and every one of you for making these decisions so helpful and caring.


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## memere0211 (Nov 1, 2013)

it may not seem like it now, but your mom is doing all of you a huge favor. my parents made all their arrangements prior, consequently we had one phone call to make & the funeral home (in another state) took care of everything from that point on, including arranging air transportation. as far as what your mom wants with the flowers, are there really any rules?? it's meaningful to her now & when the time comes, you'll have the comfort of knowing you're carrying out her wishes. may sound strange, but my sister, mom and me enjoyed discussing all the stuff . . . we learned why certain hymns were meaningful to her (hadn't known before), reminisced a LOT, laughed a LOT. it's an inevitability . . . make it as positive as you can!! as far as what she wants you to make - what an honor!!! i agree with the others - involve her as much as she wants - again, are there really any rules?? the prayer shawl is a great and loving idea!!


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## blawler (Feb 20, 2012)

You'll be thankful the arrangements have been made to your mother's wishes when the time comes to need them. I recommend you give her all the love and support she needs to get this done. As to the blanket, as someone has already suggested, contact the funeral home to get some insight as to the size the blanket needs to be. Good luck with all of this. Aloha... Bev


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## KnittyGritty800 (Apr 1, 2014)

How thoughtful of your mother! I am single and live alone and only have two half-siblings with whom I only have infrequent contact. They won't be the least concerned when my turn to die comes but I do have friends who will inherit whatever I have left. I made the necessary arrangements about 40 years ago (I'm now 78) because I did not want friends to be shackled with the burden of figuring out what I would like. I shall be cremated and my ashes scattered at the foot a cross in the foothills of Denver (where I live) in a private cemetary.

Give your mom the satisfaction of letting her make plans now and you will forever be grateful to her.

As for a burial blanket, I would call or visit a local mortuary and ask their advice as to size. Regarding the yarn and/or pattern, talk it over with Mom and let her help decide. She sounds like a sensible woman!!

Bob
The KnittyGritty


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## MarilynKnits (Aug 30, 2011)

pjmcd said:


> My 77 yr. old mother is wanting my sister and I to have all her funeral arrangements done, while she is still in sound mind, this is freaking me out, also, I'm to knit the blanket to go over her before burial, I have no clue as to pattern or size, I have done search, and have found nothing pertaining to this, if someone could give me suggestions, would really appreciate it.


Don't freak out. Dying eventually is something we all do, and I am sure your mom is in no hurry to go, she just wants things done the way she wants them done. If she doesn't make her wishes known, well, you and your sister are not mind readers and unless you believe in seances or ouija boards how would you be able to honor her preferences?

DH and I have a folder with our wills and wishes and keep our DD updated with e-mail messages as to the contact information for our funeral home and clergy of choice. Not morbid, just practical.

As for the size, find out the measurements of a coffin and figure about a foot wider and about 6" shorter. The Tree of Life design might be considered appropriate to add comfort on her journey to the afterlife if that is in keeping with your beliefs.


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## run4fittness (May 22, 2011)

Does not sound weird to me. Things will be an emotional roller coaster and she is trying to get it all planned. I would make the afghan of a size to cover your mother.


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## Jannette Burke (Nov 21, 2014)

Absolutely nothing wrong with your mother making her funeral plans now, it is quite common. With respect to the blanket, how about a lace baby blanket, English Style, you might find some patterns on Yarnspirations, Ravelry or Vintage Patterns.


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## grandmann (Feb 4, 2011)

I made a prayer shawl one time for a friend. She told me that she was going to tell her family to have her buried with it. The prayer shawl was very special to her.


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## seamer45 (Jan 18, 2011)

Do the planning, you will be so relieved. My Dad had everything done years before he died and all Mom had to do was pick out a casket. We have all our planning done also. I should thing a long narrow blanket would be the ticket. Try ravelry.


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## farmkiti (Oct 13, 2011)

pjmcd said:


> We have funeral home taken care of, plot, minister, but we do have another issue, instead of spray, she wants white roses for her remaining children, which is 3, then in that there will be 2 pink roses for the children already deceased, laid on top of coffin, then white roses for every grandchild and great grandchild, in front of casket, does this sound odd, or will it look strange, I know sprays are traditional.


I say to heck with what is traditional. If your mom has enough consideration and forethought to have these issues taken care of before she passes, thus saving the family from having to do it when in a state of grief, then she should have whatever flowers she wants for the service.

My parents were kind enough to have their funerals pre-paid and pre-arranged, and it was an enormous help to me and my siblings. It was a great load off my mind to not have to deal with it at that stressful time.


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## nwjasu (Nov 8, 2011)

This sounds like a discussion to have together. And I like the idea of giving it to your mom to enjoy in life.


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## JennieG (Jul 17, 2011)

Jessica-Jean, check with:
1. The funeral home, if it is still in business.
2. The local newspaper from that time, if it is on microfiche.
3. ancestry.com (get back to me if you are not a subscribe and are curious)
4. Death certificates from that year, as long as you know the approximate date. You'd be surprised how much is online! I went poking through the death certificates of the county that my father's family has lived in since the 1700s, and it was really interesting. "Cause of death: pneumonia, Secondary cause of death: gunshot wound to abdomen" Not one of my relatives, but still interesting.

Sometimes you have to "back into" the information, according to my sister who is like myself deeply curious about our ancestors are. Maybe you know your grandfather's full name, so she might be buried next to him. Not necessarily, but you could get lucky.

If this is something you really want to know, where she is buried, I would say go for it and get to hunting! I can truly understand the need to say hello/goodbye to her.


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## Quiltermouse (Jun 11, 2013)

Jessica-Jean, This may have your answer: http://www.findagrave.com

It's a free website, despite being owned by Ancestry, and I've found some of my own relatives this way, as well as being able to track down grave sites and information for the museum where I work. I hope your search can come to a quick end now that we have the online resources that we do. I missed my beloved grandmother's funeral, too (couldn't get home from college), and I know how that omission hurts through the years.


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## bostondonna (May 6, 2015)

My mom had a heart of red roses sitting on a baseof eevergreens. Also different but no one really seems to notice the particulars with flowers.It is really her choice.


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## LilgirlCA (Jan 22, 2011)

nitnana said:


> Now you all have me worried. DH has dementia and we have done no pre-planning about our own funerals - yet! I am not sure - if we go to pre-arrange our funerals do we need to have the money up front - tell them we have insurance or what? My own mother pre-planned her and her DH (my Dad's) funerals way ahead of time - picked out the coffins, etc. and left her good dress hanging in the closet where I couldn't miss it and request for songs, etc. It was much easier on us - but I just can't get myself (or DH) off our duffs to go and do it for ourselves! Maybe soon - ! I know - I know - we really should do it!  :shock:


If you make the plans - arrange coffins and burial plots (if you chose that) now, you can pay over time. If you wait you have to pay it all immediately.

There are many other things to plan also - type of service, visitation, viewing or closed casket, readings, hymns, pall bearers, flowers, even which religious person should conduct the service. Then there is also the question of whether you choose cremation instead and all the decisions that go along with that. BTW, you can still have a service with cremation.

A good friend of mine passed away (age 94) just before Christmas. He chose cremation. His family held a memorial service around January 20. They all had stories to tell and had brought many pictures and items from his very active life to the service and reception. Even his loving little dog was present and sitting in his widow's lap


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## mousepotato (May 30, 2011)

pjmcd said:


> My 77 yr. old mother is wanting my sister and I to have all her funeral arrangements done, while she is still in sound mind, this is freaking me out, also, I'm to knit the blanket to go over her before burial, I have no clue as to pattern or size, I have done search, and have found nothing pertaining to this, if someone could give me suggestions, would really appreciate it.


You know that in New England it was once a tradition to have a hooked rug in a flower pattern over the coffin in the winter when flowers were unavailable. One sees many antique flower patterned rugs from that era without realizing that they were used as palls. I would think that something about 36" wide and probably 48 to 52" long would be appropriate. If you can do it in a flower motif, or your mother's favorite stitch patterns, that it would be a wonderful tribute to her.


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## WindingRoad (May 7, 2013)

Peggy Beryl said:


> At 83 I have discussed my final arrangements with my family and all my wishes are written and all payments made. It's nothing to freak about; this is a normal part of life and it is wise to take care of it before a final illness takes it out of the hands of the family.
> 
> I've had a few visits to the hospital ER in recent months, and each time I have been asked about my final wishes for care. If your mother has not yet filled out a Medical Directive for Health Care, she should do that also and have it on file with the family and with any medical facilities she is likely to visit. My doctor gave me a special green form to fill out and place on my refrigerator door under a magnet; this is a place first responders know to look for such information should a call be made to 911. It prevents taking heroic methods of prolonging life if the individual does not wish such efforts to be made.
> 
> ...


My boys don't knit so guess I'll have to make my own afghan. LOL


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## Janice Wilkens (Feb 20, 2015)

clmobry said:


> how about a prayer shawl in length that works? Prayers are appropriate for the last message? Choose her favorite colors (maybe even involve her in the choice?). What an honor. Don't think burial... think final hug, swadling


yes, an honor.


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## Janice Wilkens (Feb 20, 2015)

Lillysmom said:


> I think it's a beautiful idea. Don't worry about what is odd, or what people will think. If this is what she wants, do it!


Nothing is odd at this point - my sweet girl cousins bought a lovely white hat and rested it on their mother (on her hands, not her head) for display in the funeral home. My aunt loved wearing hats and it became a bit of a trademark for her. It was a beautiful and lovely gesture my cousins did!


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## knitwitconnie (Jan 3, 2012)

I buried my mom with her prayer shawl that I had made her. It seemed right.


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## NJG (Dec 2, 2011)

pjmcd said:


> My 77 yr. old mother is wanting my sister and I to have all her funeral arrangements done, while she is still in sound mind, this is freaking me out, also, I'm to knit the blanket to go over her before burial, I have no clue as to pattern or size, I have done search, and have found nothing pertaining to this, if someone could give me suggestions, would really appreciate it.


My Aunt Edna did the same thing. She had no other family than my sister and I, her two nieces. She lived to the age of 92, so by the time she passed all the men she had chosen as pall bearers had also passed. We had to choose new ones.


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## TarLanding (Feb 6, 2014)

re the person grieving for her grandmother,.if you know the newspaper published in your area at that time they may have archives on line.

You have the approxunate date and area.

Good luck. Also, were other family members laid to rest in a particular cemetary or cementaries? The office would have records.

Good Luck.


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## Jessica-Jean (Mar 14, 2011)

mousepotato said:


> You know that in New England it was once a tradition to have a hooked rug in a flower pattern over the coffin in the winter when flowers were unavailable. One sees many antique flower patterned rugs from that era without realizing that they were used as palls. I would think that something about 36" wide and probably 48 to 52" long would be appropriate. If you can do it in a flower motif, or your mother's favorite stitch patterns, that it would be a wonderful tribute to her.


No, I didn't know that, despite having lived in Massachusetts for four of my teen years. Thank you for the information!


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## Jessica-Jean (Mar 14, 2011)

Quiltermouse said:


> Jessica-Jean, This may have your answer: http://www.findagrave.com
> 
> It's a free website, despite being owned by Ancestry, and I've found some of my own relatives this way, as well as being able to track down grave sites and information for the museum where I work. I hope your search can come to a quick end now that we have the online resources that we do. I missed my beloved grandmother's funeral, too (couldn't get home from college), and I know how that omission hurts through the years.


No luck at findagrave. I found my father's, but not my mother's, and she's in a military cemetery! I even checked through the VA's website. Strange!


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## morningstar (Mar 24, 2012)

Jessica-Jean said:


> No luck at findagrave. I found my father's, but not my mother's, and she's in a military cemetery! I even checked through the VA's website. Strange!


Jessica-Jean, is it possible your mother used a different (maiden, professional) name in the military and was buried under that name? Your mystery continues and we're all hoping that you get your answers soon.


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## Dutchie1946 (Jun 19, 2012)

morningstar said:


> Jessica-Jean, is it possible your mother used a different (maiden, professional) name in the military and was buried under that name? Your mystery continues and we're all hoping that you get your answers soon.


I checked her maiden name and both her married names and all combinations of them. Did the same for her parents. Zilch. I'm still waiting on a reply from the parish church. Since we were all baptized there and my mother and aunt were married there, I assume my grandparents funerals were there.


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## damemary (Mar 14, 2012)

Keep trying. There has to be an answer. I hope records were not destroyed by natural disaster.



Dutchie1946 said:


> I checked her maiden name and both her married names and all combinations of them. Did the same for her parents. Zilch. I'm still waiting on a reply from the parish church. Since we were all baptized there and my mother and aunt were married there, I assume my grandparents funerals were there.


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## Dutchie1946 (Jun 19, 2012)

damemary said:


> Keep trying. There has to be an answer. I hope records were not destroyed by natural disaster.


If flooding counts, my high school records were; they'd been stored in the high school's basement and became papier-mâché. Good thing I had had certified copies sent to McGill decades before that flood; Vanier College accepted _them_.


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## TarLanding (Feb 6, 2014)

Can you locate the military cemetery near where your grandmother lived? The
cemetery office may have the records. If your mother was out of the house approximately 6 hours seems as though the wake and burial were in the same day.

If your grandmother passed away in a hospital, they may have the record of where she was taken after death.

Again, good luck.


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## Dutchie1946 (Jun 19, 2012)

TarLanding said:


> Can you locate the military cemetery near where your grandmother lived? The
> cemetery office may have the records. If your mother was out of the house approximately 6 hours seems as though the wake and burial were in the same day.
> 
> If your grandmother passed away in a hospital, they may have the record of where she was taken after death.
> ...


Death in hospital, yes; but I've no clue which one. They did smuggle me in to see her (a few months/weeks?) before her death. My impression was that it was a converted brownstone; that puts it somewhere in Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan, or the Bronx. I don't remember seeing brownstones in Staten Island, and I would have remembered had we taken the ferry to get there.


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## morningstar (Mar 24, 2012)

Jessica-Jean, If your grandmother died in New York Catholic hospital in Brooklyn or Queens, many of them have closed. The records for their closed hospitals can be found at The Catholic Medical Center of Brooklyn and Queens. I believe that is located in the Jamaica section. In the 60's and 70's, those now closed hospitals and their nursing schools were in the heart of established neighborhoods of brownstones. You will find your grandmother's records. Don't give up.


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## morningstar (Mar 24, 2012)

Jessica-Jean, If your grandmother died in New York Catholic hospital in Brooklyn or Queens, many of them have closed. The records for their closed hospitals can be found at The Catholic Medical Center of Brooklyn and Queens. I believe that is located in the Jamaica section. In the 60's and 70's, those now closed hospitals and their nursing schools were in the heart of established neighborhoods of brownstones. You will find your grandmother's records. Don't give up.
Sorry for the double post. Don't know how that's happening and I can't figure out how to delete one without losing both. Queen of technology (not) here.


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## Dutchie1946 (Jun 19, 2012)

morningstar said:


> Jessica-Jean, If your grandmother died in New York Catholic hospital in Brooklyn or Queens, many of them have closed. The records for their closed hospitals can be found at The Catholic Medical Center of Brooklyn and Queens. I believe that is located in the Jamaica section. In the 60's and 70's, those now closed hospitals and their nursing schools were in the heart of established neighborhoods of brownstones. You will find your grandmother's records. Don't give up.


I can't find a website for it, only: Catholic Medical Center of Brooklyn & Queens Phone: (718) 558-6900
88-25 153rd Street, Jamaica, NY 11431
Guess I'll have to phone them. 
Thank you morningstar. I never would have guessed such a place even existed!


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## morningstar (Mar 24, 2012)

Dutchie1946 said:


> I can't find a website for it, only: Catholic Medical Center of Brooklyn & Queens Phone: (718) 558-6900
> 88-25 153rd Street, Jamaica, NY 11431
> Guess I'll have to phone them.
> Thank you morningstar. I never would have guessed such a place even existed!


Jessica-Jean, I did a little research and discovered that when St. Vincent's Hospital (lower Manhattan) closed...it really didn't. It merged with The Catholic Med. Cntr. and the whole outfit took on a new name. I then came up with this:
St. Vincent Catholic Medical Center New York-Brooklyn and Queens
175 - 05 Horace Harding Expressway
Fresh Meadows, NY 11365
www.svcmc.org

The above website will bring you to records for their various closed hospitals throughout the boroughs. Hopefully, this will lead you to your grandmother's records.


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## TarLanding (Feb 6, 2014)

God Bless people on this site who go above and beyond to help one and other.

Much better than the grammar and/or spelling patrol

I am technically challenged but was going to suggest the geneology sites such as

ancestory.com


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## Dutchie1946 (Jun 19, 2012)

TarLanding said:


> God Bless people on this site who go above and beyond to help one and other.
> 
> Much better than the grammar and/or spelling patrol
> 
> ...


Thank you. I may yet go to http://www.ancestry.com/ , but first I'll plumb the totally free resources.


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## Dutchie1946 (Jun 19, 2012)

morningstar said:


> Jessica-Jean, I did a little research and discovered that when St. Vincent's Hospital (lower Manhattan) closed...it really didn't. It merged with The Catholic Med. Cntr. and the whole outfit took on a new name. I then came up with this:
> St. Vincent Catholic Medical Center New York-Brooklyn and Queens
> 175 - 05 Horace Harding Expressway
> Fresh Meadows, NY 11365
> ...


I'll have a go at sending that form, though I have no idea what my grandmother's social security number was ... assuming she ever had one. I do know that she was so secretive about her age, that she never applied for the benefits to which she was entitled.


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## MarilynKnits (Aug 30, 2011)

Dutchie1946 said:


> Thank you. I may yet go to http://www.ancestry.com/ , but first I'll plumb the totally free resources.


I think (unless they have changed their access rules) that you can get a free trial using Ancestry for a limited time. I have found you have to be careful though; too many free trials have the responsibility to cancel lie with you or they start billing you, so you have to watch your dates and cancel before the trial period is over.


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## Janice Wilkens (Feb 20, 2015)

My sweet daughter gave me the gift of a 6 month use of the worldwide ancestry.com. I wish she hadn't spent the money, though. I think it is worthless. You have to know enough to put what you already know into the information bank and then it really doesn't know anymore than YOU do. I think it is a waste of money.


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## mousepotato (May 30, 2011)

Jessica-Jean said:


> No, I didn't know that, despite having lived in Massachusetts for four of my teen years. Thank you for the information!


It was a late 19th century fashion. Of course, then the wakes were held at home and the graves were still dug in winter. The rugs added the color that flowers would have added in other seasons. After the funeral, the rugs were put to their usual use, usually in the front parlor until the next funeral.


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## Dutchie1946 (Jun 19, 2012)

mousepotato said:


> It was a late 19th century fashion. Of course, then the wakes were held at home and the graves were still dug in winter. The rugs added the color that flowers would have added in other seasons. After the funeral, the rugs were put to their usual use, usually in the front parlor until the next funeral.


I think it's a lovely tradition that should be resurrected. From my mother and from always having cats, I've learned to dislike cut flowers - _anywhere_. I love the idea of a bright, flowery cover for the casket instead.


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## sueandlynette (Sep 10, 2013)

knitterlin said:


> I can't help with the burial blanket, but I encourage you to be grateful that your mother is willing to talk about her wishes. When the time comes, you will be happy you are able to fulfill her desires. Also, the less you need to deal with when you are in shock and mourning, the better it will be for you.


I totally agree with this - traumatic for our loved ones but so true. Try and listen to your mom and try to do as she asks. Not easy, but she is also brave to face these things and then to ask you to be part of it, with her.


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## KentuckyCrafter (Oct 19, 2013)

knitterlin said:


> I can't help with the burial blanket, but I encourage you to be grateful that your mother is willing to talk about her wishes. When the time comes, you will be happy you are able to fulfill her desires. Also, the less you need to deal with when you are in shock and mourning, the better it will be for you.


Great advice!! Also, love the sweater you are wearing!! xxxo


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## sdostman (Jun 9, 2011)

count your blessing that she wants you involved. My Mom passed away suddenly in December and my stepfather shut out all of her children from any of the decision making regarding any arrangements for her.


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## Dutchie1946 (Jun 19, 2012)

sdostman said:


> count your blessing that she wants you involved. My Mom passed away suddenly in December and my stepfather shut out all of her children from any of the decision making regarding any arrangements for her.


Oof! That's terrible! I guess we were lucky in that my stepfather was too far gone into Alzheimer's and Parkinson's to have tried to take over when our mom died. I'm sorry he did that to you all.


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## MadMom (Feb 23, 2015)

I think it's terrible also. It's a shame that some step-parents take the idea of the "evil step-parent" to such an extreme.


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## MarilynKnits (Aug 30, 2011)

MadMom said:


> I think it's terrible also. It's a shame that some step-parents take the idea of the "evil step-parent" to such an extreme.


A shame when the step parent is so jealous of the memory of the previous spouse that the children of that spouse are treated as the enemy. Conversely, some children are upset about the surviving parent remarrying, as if being lonely in old age would bring the deceased parent back, they make a wicked step parent of someone who might really be a nice friend.


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## grammylynn (Mar 2, 2013)

Janice Wilkens said:


> My sweet daughter gave me the gift of a 6 month use of the worldwide ancestry.com. I wish she hadn't spent the money, though. I think it is worthless. You have to know enough to put what you already know into the information bank and then it really doesn't know anymore than YOU do. I think it is a waste of money.


Sorry you haven't had any luck with them I can't get enough of it. I have been able to trace my family and are working 7 lines at the moment. I want to be able to give each child their family history. When they married I did their spouses for the grandkids. The info out there is enormous you just have to keep trying. I had to buy another computer as my old one I began with is no longer compatible thanks to Microsoft not Ancestry.com but so far have compiled over 3,500 names and still going strong. I wish my family would gift me with this! So interesting and I have found distant relatives living in the next town I never knew of.


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## Janice Wilkens (Feb 20, 2015)

grammylynn said:


> Sorry you haven't had any luck with them I can't get enough of it. I have been able to trace my family and are working 7 lines at the moment. I want to be able to give each child their family history. When they married I did their spouses for the grandkids. The info out there is enormous you just have to keep trying. I had to buy another computer as my old one I began with is no longer compatible thanks to Microsoft not Ancestry.com but so far have compiled over 3,500 names and still going strong. I wish my family would gift me with this! So interesting and I have found distant relatives living in the next town I never knew of.


I use a computer at work, so I find it annoying to do research. She was trying to do a good thing, but I guess my ancestry really doesn't interest me, to tell the truth.


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## MadMom (Feb 23, 2015)

I love geneology. Unfortunately, my husband's last name is Richardson (pretty common) and my father's last name was Powell (everything leads back to Lord Baden-Powell, LOL!) I was fortunate enough to get pretty far back on my maternal grandmother and grandfather's side, though. Back to the first ancestor to set foot on these shores in 1614! So my grandchildren are first generation Americans, thanks to their father (who came from Ireland here and got his citizenship fighting in Iraq) and go way back, thanks to their mother.


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## MarilynKnits (Aug 30, 2011)

MadMom said:


> I love geneology. Unfortunately, my husband's last name is Richardson (pretty common) and my father's last name was Powell (everything leads back to Lord Baden-Powell, LOL!) I was fortunate enough to get pretty far back on my maternal grandmother and grandfather's side, though. Back to the first ancestor to set foot on these shores in 1614! So my grandchildren are first generation Americans, thanks to their father (who came from Ireland here and got his citizenship fighting in Iraq) and go way back, thanks to their mother.


We had some instances of immigration clerks not being able to understand or spell family names, so the names in the States are wildly different from the names in Europe.

Add to that my grandmother's cousins who fled the Tsar's army conscription in the years before the Revolution. A single son was exempt if the mother was widowed. So Mrs. Rothstein had sons named Rothstein, Rothman, Rothberg, and Roth. All four made it here safely and the youngest one brought old Tante with him. And they kept the new names just to be on the safe side. So try to figure that one out.

My paternal grandmother's maiden name was Emes. The clerk thought she said Ennis and he told her that was not a suitable name for a Jewish girl and put Cohen on her papers.

I am sure there are a myriad stories to match.


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## MadMom (Feb 23, 2015)

My grandmother's name was Hoggard, but some people spelled it Haggard, so I know what you mean! My mother received a call many years ago from a man who wanted to know her maiden name and if she had a sister. She was hesitant to give him the information until he confessed he had been looking for her for years; he was an old man who had been researching my grandmother's family. We went to the next family reunion they had, in Tennessee.


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## Dutchie1946 (Jun 19, 2012)

MarilynKnits said:


> ... I am sure there are a myriad stories to match.


On my father's side, the 1812 immigrant from Ireland was known _there_ as 'Junior'; he had the same name as his father. However, when he arrived in the mid-west and had a son with that same name, the American-born son was known as 'Junior' and folks tacked 'Senior' on his father! Luckily, one of my distant cousins worked all that out, _and_ discovered the point at which our family name had been mis-written!

It's all very interesting, but - in my case anyway - pointless to do more research. Both of our kids have decided to remain childless and single; at 40 and 42, I have to believe them.


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## gypsysoul (Jun 14, 2015)

pjmcd said:


> My 77 yr. old mother is wanting my sister and I to have all her funeral arrangements done, while she is still in sound mind, this is freaking me out, also, I'm to knit the blanket to go over her before burial, I have no clue as to pattern or size, I have done search, and have found nothing pertaining to this, if someone could give me suggestions, would really appreciate it.


My mother-in-law asked my husband, her son, a carpenter, to make her coffin. I think he may have said no. It IS creepy.


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## Dutchie1946 (Jun 19, 2012)

gypsysoul said:


> My mother-in-law asked my husband, her son, a carpenter, to make her coffin. I think he may have said no. It IS creepy.


I don't think that's at all 'creepy'! I think she wants to be in something he made for her. I think it's a very loving idea.


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## silversurfer (Nov 25, 2013)

The funeral director can probably help with the size. For the pattern why not ask your mum?


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## Marny CA (Jun 26, 2011)

31July2020 - and late to this 'party'.

My mom took care of her funeral arrangements - except for telling me on her death bed that she would like to wear the dress she wore to her great-nephews' bar mitzvahs. She did forget one thing - the type of headstone. So, when she died, I was grateful for her caring enough about me to make her journey easier for me. She even read my mind and said 'you'll be able to see me' - and that floored me! How did she know I was thinking that at that very second!! So, I saw her before the coffin was closed - and fixed her hair the way she liked it - and adjusted the dress - kissed her and said Shalom, Momela. A year later, a friend went with me to help with the headstone - and I took a picture of the headstone when put in place ... and when I lived in NY and couldn't get to OH, I could 'see' my mom - and now living in CA, I can still 'see' where my mom is ... Thank you, Momela, for making my life easier.

She died on Yom Kippur 1984. Even that makes me smile - because she knew I could never forget when to light the yahrzeit candle.


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